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‘TUF 13′ Episode 2 Recap: Worst Original Screenplay


(Chris Cope and Javier Torres: They will clinch you into a living death.)

Coach Dos Santos kicks off the episode by putting his team through an intense workout circuit. “Nobody died by get tired,” he says. Uh, dude?

With control of the matchups still in his hands, JDS wants either Javier Torres or Ramsey Nijem to fight next. One dude who won’t be fighting any time soon is Dos Santos’s last pick, Keon Caldwell, who has been struggling in practices. Junior tries to encourage him. Keon barfs in the bathroom. He thinks he’s falling behind because his mind is “where’s my family’s at.” He misses his daughter and he’s having a tough time with everything.

Brock Lesnar is in a bad mood. He hates to lose, and notices that his team is lacking in wrestling skill, which was their downfall in last week’s fight. Unfortunately, there isn’t much time to get everybody up to speed. “You can’t make chicken salad out of chicken shit,” he tells us, once again. “You know, you can’t polish turds to make ‘em look pretty. But we’re doing all we can.”

“If we don’t win this next fight, Brock is probably gonna kill us,” Charlie Rader says.

Keon talks to his coach in private and says he wants to go home to his daughter. Dos Santos tells him to be strong, and that it will be way better if he stays. He can’t believe Keon would turn his back on the opportunity of a lifetime.

Dana White pays a visit to see where Keon’s head is at. “Aren’t you here for your daughter?” he asks. “Focus on why you came here. You’re here for her…Do you want to be a professional fighter? Do you want to be in the UFC? Do you want to be world champion?” “Yes sir,” Keon says. “Yes sir. Yes sir.” Crisis averted?

JDS selects his #3 pick Javier Torres to face Team Lesnar’s #6 pick, Chris Cope. According to Junior, Javier is “a confidence guy, and like he really wants be a WeFC fighter.” Says Brock: “They’re doing exactly what we would do, they’re picking the cream of their crop against our weaker guys. So we’re a little nervous about this fight.” Javier puts on an impressive death-stare in the faceoff. Several people notice that Chris Cope was shaking.

Team Dos Santos’s assistant coach Lew Polley knows Chris Cope. They’ve trained together at Team Quest, so he lays out all of Chris’s weaknesses to Javier. He doesn’t like wrestlers, he doesn’t like the clinch and the grind. “I know he’s a part-time fighter, he’s not fully committed,” Polley says. As he tells Javier: “Take him down, beat the shit out of him, repeat…just follow the script word for word, and you’re going to look like the greatest actor ever. You go off-script and you’re going to be horrible — a fuckin’ B actor, making soft porn.” Awesome. This dude is like a ‘hood Greg Jackson.

Lew gives Keon some extra attention in practice to get his mind right, but Keon goes to Junior directly afterwards and says he’s done. Junior is no longer interested in convincing him to stay. Keon is history. As Dana says, “the only upside to this thing is that it happened early enough to get his ass out of here and get somebody real in here who can run with this opportunity and make something out of it.”

Chris Cope knows he’s different than some of his teammates because he has an 8-hour job, and can’t train all the time. Brock wants to see something different out of Chris. He wants to be wowed.

Brock gives his Any Given Sunday speech. When he came to the UFC, he was pushed as indestructible, inhuman. But he’s just another dude, and every dog has its day. We’re all human, we’re all created equal. All the great champions have suffered a loss in their career. Anybody can take over at any time. It’s a game of inches. It’s a matter of putting the leather where it needs to go. Any given Sunday, anybody can win. So win this fight, okay Chris?

Chris stays up late the night before the fight, shadow boxing and rolling. His teammates think he should be in bed. They wouldn’t bet money on him at this point.

Chris reads a letter from his girlfriend to get in the right headspace. The basic gist is, this is his destiny, and it’s not an accident that he’s in this house. It’s already pre-determined, already mapped out. His girlfriend’s daughter gave him a stuffed rabbit named Bun Bun to take with him, and it lets him feel like he’s at home even though he’s not. Javier’s wife is pregnant, and he wants to succeed for his family. Keon looks even more bitch-like in comparison.

Time to bang…

Round 1: Right away, Javier is asking Chris to hit him in the face. Javier closes the distance and clinches, grinding on him like Lew suggested. Chris with a knee to the body and some dirty boxing. They exchange knees. Javier with a foot-stomp. Chris escapes, throws some punches. Javier smiles. They clinch again, and Javier judo-tosses him. Chris gets to his feet, Javier takes his back standing. Chris defends. A knee from Chris and they separate. Chris tries a leg kick. Chris lands a 1-2 before they clinch again. Big foot stomp from Javier, and a hook from the clinch. Chris puts Javier’s back against the fence, gets some distance and lands a punch. Javier seems to be relying on the clinch to his own peril. Time to go off the script? A knee from Javier on the separation, and Chris is cut under his left eye. Neither guy wants to pull the trigger in the last seconds. Javier just stands there grinning, and Chris grazes his balls with a low kick at the horn. Serves him right, kind of. Hard round to call. Javier put on a lot of pressure and scored a takedown, but Chris seemed to land more shots overall.

Round 2: Chris dashes in with a punch, but Javier grabs him right away. They briefly clinch against the fence, and Javier punches on the exit. Body kick from Javier. Chris returns a high kick. They clinch again, trade knees, jockey for position. More knees are exchanged and they break. Superman punch and leg kick from Javier, followed by a teep. Leg kicks from both fighters. Chris throws a high kick. Javier ducks under a punch and clinches. They break. Chris rushes forward, gets clinched up again. Javier with a nice uppercut on the break. Chris attacks with punches and a leg kick. Javier lands a leg kick that stumbles Chris. Chris regains his footing and throws some strikes of his own, before yet another clinch. And that’s where the round ends.

The judges declare it a draw after two frames, and we move into the sudden victory round. Chris lets out a triumphant “WOOOO!” His coaches tell him that Javier is exhausted.

Round 3: Javier opens with a leg kick. Chris returns it, Javier loves it and wants more. Javier rushes in with a body kick, Chris returns high. Leg kick Chris. Javier clinches. Javier tries another judo-toss, but botches it and Chris gets top position for a moment, before Javier gets back to his feet and re-establishes clinch. Javier gets kneed in the balls; he tries to take a break, Herb Dean tells him to keep fighting. Chris knees Javier in the balls again. Chris throws out another “WOOOO!” as Javier is recovering. “Just fight!” Brock yells. Chris comes out throwing heat. Javier grabs another clinch when Chris throws a knee. They break. Both land punches. Leg kick Chris. Javier throws a superman punch, clinches again. Big foot stomp from Javier. They separate. Leg kick Chris, body kick Javier. Javier does his superman punch/clinch thing again. A knee from Chris. They both land some knees in the clinch. Chris scores with a nice hook on the inside. Another superman punch and clinch from Javier, and the round ends. Very, very close fight.

All three judges score the last round 10-9 for Chris Cope, who advances to the quarterfinals. ”Chicken salad out of chicken shit!” Brock announces in the locker room, triumphantly. “That’s what we are, chicken shit! We make do with what we got. Any given Sunday, fellas.” Brock admits there was nothing pretty or cool about the win, but he was still wowed by Chris’s perseverance and heart.

Junior tries to console Javier as Team Lesnar celebrates in the next room. Lew can’t hold his tongue: “If that doesn’t piss you off, then you don’t need to be there…this team is way better than that team and now they have momentum…now we lost control. So no more fucking around. This should eat you up until you’re ready to fight again.”

In the next episode: Team Dos Santos gets a new fighter to replace Keon, Lew pushes the team too hard, and JDS has to straighten him out. “I’m the coach here,” he says. Oh, drama!

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Shatski- April 7, 2011 at 10:41 pm
@Prometheus, Didn't see last week's fight, then, huh?

It sure seemed like Brock brought the mood down right after the win. All the guys were happy and celebratory in the locker room, then he starts with his "chicken shit" nonsense.

I wonder if, between Keon quitting and the subpar fights so far, Dana decides to bring back the fight to get into the house round. Seems like a better way to kick off the season, too. All fights for the better part of two weeks? Awesome.
rogerw- April 7, 2011 at 10:21 pm
I'm wondering how Brock's fighter feel about being called chicken shit all the time.
Papa Damage- April 7, 2011 at 10:11 pm
That was some true cock fighting, couple of cocks with sawed off claws and beaks!
CaptnJonesy- April 7, 2011 at 6:38 pm
If you want to watch drama and people throwing fits, The Real World comes on wednesdays as well so tune in to that. I will admit that the fights so far have been boring as hell but I like the rest of the show so far. It's a little change up from the same paper door getting smashed down every season
Duh Ogre- April 7, 2011 at 3:07 pm
I was waiting for all three rounds for Javier to do something in the clinch. He got the takedown pretty easily in the first, but then let it do. Can't give Chris too much credit either, because he didn't do much either.
KMagician- April 7, 2011 at 2:20 pm
Lol at "Big foot stomp from Javier"
I'm desperately trying to imagine what that looks like.
k-onda- April 7, 2011 at 12:18 pm
I love "coach-talk," it's a beautiful thing. One of my all-time favorites is "a little pain never hurt anybody!"
Squirrel- April 7, 2011 at 11:50 am
Why o Why? seriously. I got to see it this morning. Not impressed. Cue Ball needs to get some people on this show who wanna be muthafuckin fighters! or some shit like that. I don't know....
Cosmin- April 7, 2011 at 11:29 am
Javier's not boring, he was sticking to the gameplan. He didn't want to be a B-actor shooting soft porn, essay!
MKO- April 7, 2011 at 11:19 am
Javier may have set the record for most, least effective superman punches. Two awful fights down.
RaginAsian- April 7, 2011 at 10:27 am
I bet they're really missing that debut elimination episode about now. Already lost the obligatory two fighters to injury and sand-in-vag, only without the ratings of a fight-heavy starter.
torxxx- April 7, 2011 at 10:20 am
its predetermined.. its mapped out that I'm going to post this comment...

This season of TUF sucks.. Captain cock chest shouldnt have been a coach. Only reason why I'm still watching this season is JDS
danomite- April 7, 2011 at 9:42 am
Thanks, just when I thought I could go one damn day without hearing ric flair scream WOOOOO! you guys have to go and do this.
Hesh to Steel- April 7, 2011 at 9:33 am
Gotta admit, watching the momentum of that fight turn to Chris's side after they downplayed him for the entire episode up to that point was pretty awesome.

I still can't believe that some of these clowns come on the show and then ask to go home. Have they never watched the show? Can you seriously not spend a few weeks away from the family? It's absurd.

From the looks of Keon's conditioning, though, I don't think he would've lasted long anyway.
Fried Taco- April 7, 2011 at 9:05 am
Javier was robbed. Somebody explain to Cecil People's that foot stomps can end fights!
BONGTAR- April 7, 2011 at 8:47 am
I'm glad I dont watch this shit.
El Famous Burrito- April 7, 2011 at 8:45 am
@RSparrow

I got what you were trying to say.

You haven't seen two guys fuck like that since 6th grade lunch behind the tennis court.
Prometheus- April 7, 2011 at 8:42 am
That might have been the most boring fight I've ever seen.
RSparrow- April 7, 2011 at 8:08 am
Seen* Fuck!
RSparrow- April 7, 2011 at 7:58 am
I haven't watched two guys hug like that since 6th grade lunch behind the tennis court.
omunto- April 7, 2011 at 7:55 am
I was happy to see Chris start to win the "clinch battle" in rd 2 and 3. Sure we all hate the clinch but when the other teams coach says he's weak at it and then he just won with their own gameplan. I love it. Fuck Lew Polley.
SocraticMethod- April 7, 2011 at 7:51 am
Javier pissed me off too. The pointing to his chin and slapping his leg after every strike - the guy is 2-0 in his career. C'mon. Also, was I the only one that thought his low-blow claims were BS? I really thought the last one, the one he got the break for, hit him in the thigh. And lastly, he kind of did stick to Lew's script of clinching and grinding him - he just wasn't any better at it than Chris.
NOTSOB- April 7, 2011 at 7:50 am
yeah i agree with facee7biter. javier sucks !!!!!! is it me or all these guys really amateur?
Payday- April 7, 2011 at 7:50 am
I would much rather watch this season than another season of Rampage being completely uninterested in what is going on. As cliche as Brock might be at least he's involved and trying make things happen. If I ever got on the show and Rampage was my coach I'd just quit. That said all it will take is for one of these fucknuts to start pissing in food or shitting in toilet tanks though and I'll be out.
fACE7biter- April 7, 2011 at 7:36 am
I don't know if I've ever hated a guy based on their fighting style quite as much as I hate Javier right now. First he taunts after every blow he absorbs, as if he's so insecure he has to immediately overcompensate by saying "yeah that didn't hurt, give me another one". Then, after every other punch or kick thrown, every punch or kick taken, its right to an ineffectual clinch. No takedowns, barely any clinch work, just hugging a fella against the cage. You do that cornball "intense" staredown and thats all you do?! Fuck that guy in the mouth.
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