Mike Swick picked up his fourth-straight UFC victory with this first-round submission of Joe Riggs at UFC 60 (5/27/06), and his second consecutive victory by guillotine-choke from the closed guard — a technique that would be dubbed the “Swickitine.” Swick’s next fight is against Josh “Yes, I Banged Arianny Celeste” Burkman at UFC Fight Night on 1/23.

Y’know, I thought CagePotato had the lock on sarcastic headlines. But we’re total amateurs compared to the Memphis Commercial Appeal, which has named Quinton Jackson (*cough*) “Sportsman of the Year.” Yes, this Quinton Jackson. (And this one.) How did the Appeal come to place Rampage ahead of such remarkable athletes as Peyton Manning, Roger Federer and Tony Parker? Well, for starters…

– He’s a follower of The Secret: “I envisioned this happening…So it happened.”

– He’s smart enough to know when Jesus was wrong: “When people talk about how Jesus wouldn’t want people to fight, it can’t be true. I’m living proof.”

– His ability to predict box-office hits is uncanny: He has a role in a feature film, “Midnight Meat Train,” which stars Brooke Shields and is scheduled for release this spring. Jackson understands the title sounds slightly salacious, as he explained to one female friend: “It’s not a porno.”

– The story of how he found God is particularly inspirational: “I prayed to God,” Jackson said. “‘God, I’m a coward. Give me the strength to use the restroom. I don’t want to pee on myself in front of my son at my friend’s house.’”

– He has “yellow fever,” and doesn’t care if it’s publicized in newspapers: After a string of victories, he traveled to Japan to compete in the PRIDE organization. There, he honed his skills and his affinity for Asian women, which probably helped accelerate his fluency in Japanese and Vietnamese.

Well, we’re sold. Stay tuned next week as the Commercial Appeal names Tay Zonday as “Singer of the Year” and Lynne Spears as “Mother of the Millenium.”

It’s real simple, people. The reader who writes the funniest caption for this picture of Josh Barnett and Hikaru Sato at a Pancrase event last Saturday gets a copy of the UFC’s Ultimate Ultimate Knockouts DVD. Let ‘em rip in the comments section — the winner will be announced on Friday.

8. Fedor Emelianenko vs Josh Barnett
As Emelianenko climbed to the top of the PRIDE heavyweight ranks, the only fighter who eluded one of his signature ass-whippings was the one big name he never fought: the Baby Faced Assassin, Josh Barnett. When his name came up as a possible opponent for Fedor at Yarennoka!, our heart skipped a beat. Then, reality set in. Fedor would most likely do to Barnett what he does to everyone else — turn him into a human punching-bag for 2-15 minutes depending on how hard his skull is — but Barnett is an A-level fighter and it wouldn’t be fair to count him out against anybody (even though we just did).

7. Mirko “Cro Cop” Filipovic vs. Andrei Arlovski
While every other heavyweight match the UFC books seems to feature Tim “Xanax” Sylvia, the organization’s two most exciting stars are sitting on the bench. Anytime you put two offensive powerhouses — neither of whom has much of a chin — in a cage together, you’re guaranteed to see fireworks. It doesn’t matter that Cro Cop is coming off of back-to-back losses and there really wouldn’t be anything on the line; fans would kill to see these guys bash it out.

Well, I guess it wasn’t much of a fight…

(Check the watches and necklaces…that’s the difference between MMA money and boxing money.)

A minor hubbub was caused this weekend when an ESPN.com article reported that boxing superstar Floyd Mayweather met with HDNet owner Mark Cuban to discuss “a revolutionary jump to mixed martial arts.” Said Mayweather’s advisor/friend Leonard Ellerbe:

“It’s definitely something he is interested in, and when Floyd makes his move, obviously it’s going to be a mega event…Mark Cuban is a very successful businessman and has some very, very successful business ventures that we’ve discussed…Doing an MMA event with him is most definitely something we are looking at, among many things we are looking at doing with Mark Cuban.”

In turn, Cuban was quoted as saying:

“Floyd is considering fighting with HDNet Fights. We are going to let him visit some gyms to talk to some folks about what it would take to learn. He knows it won’t be easy. But he is getting involved with MMA and HDNet Fights one way or another. He is pumped about it. He wants to go on to the next big thing. Floyd is a brilliant marketer. He follows the money…If I said there’s a guaranteed $30 million payday, Floyd would be lacing them up.”

For the benefit of the dangerously naive, everything in that last quote that I didn’t put bold tags around is utter horseshit, intended to hype up the fact that Floyd Mayweather will soon be having some sort of involvement in HDNet Fights. Mark Cuban, who has been tight with Mayweather since their stint on Dancing With the Stars, is floating that stuff about Mayweather visiting MMA gyms so that you, the stupid fight fan, will pay close attention to Mayweather’s next move (and by extension, HDNet’s). But Mayweather himself never said he’d be strapping on some four-ounce gloves and stepping into a cage. Here’s what he actually did say, two weeks ago, after his TKO of Ricky Hatton: “I don’t know if I’ll fight again. I’m not going to let boxing retire me, I’ll retire from boxing. I accomplished all that I could as a fighter. Now it’s time to be a promoter.”

Let’s take it from the top, because I feel like y’all aren’t hearing me.

— MMA got its own extremely shitty version of The Karate Kid.
— Gina Carano got into character.
— Ryan Gracie died the way he lived: bizarrely.
— We counted down some fights that were over before they started.
— Everyone and their father was talking smack.
— Jon Koppenhaver and Jens Pulver made out like bandits.
— Goodbye teams, hello camps!
— Ali Sonoma ditched her loser fiancee.
— “Co-promotion” is not in the UFC’s vocabulary.
— That dude who’s playing a “genetically enhanced super-soldier” blew out his knee.
— We looked at some scary, bloody, crazy, sexy pictures.

If you happen to celebrate Jesus’s birthday, CagePotato would like to wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas. Check back Monday for our list of the eight greatest fights that never happened, and then Wednesday as we slowly recover from our eggnog hangovers.

Like most of you, I was all-kinds-of-psyched when I heard that HDNet would be broadcasting the entire Yarennoka! New Year’s Eve show live from Tokyo. But I never stopped to think about the logistics until today, when MMA Junkie reported that the broadcast will begin at 6 a.m. ET. True, the event will be re-broadcast at 3:00 p.m., and I do possess a DVR, but I kind of feel like it’s my responsibility as an MMA fan and as a blogger to watch this thing live. For the first time in my life, I envy people on the West Coast, who could party all night Sunday, then roll home at 3 a.m. and relax on the couch with a formaldehyde-dipped blunt, or whatever it is they do out there, and watch the action until the sun comes up. Not me — I have to get to bed at a reasonable hour so I don’t oversleep. Fuckin’ time zones, right?!

…or else you’ll make the kind of outlandish claims that Frank Shamrock was making during a ProElite.com forum chat yesterday. Like, such as:

“I would easily beat Kimbo Slice and Brock Lesnar.”

Alright, fair enough. But how about:

“I’d knock [Anderson Silva] out in 7 minutes.”

Really! Two minutes into the second round, that’s how you’re calling it? The balls on this guy! Shamrock also confirmed that he’s down for fighting his brother Ken in 2009 (“I gotta fight my brother, it’s bigger than mma, it’s what will take the sport mainstream”) and that he’s looking to take on Renzo Gracie and Cung Le next year. To read all of the insanity, go here.

Something else I learned about Frank today: Though the dude just turned 35, he has a nineteen-year-old son. I’m not judging or anything, but my God, do the math on that one.

We’re lovin’ the referee-cam perspective in this video of Cro Cop taking on Vovchanchyn at PRIDE Total Elimination (8/10/03). Sure, it made us so dizzy we thought we were going to barf, but it’s worth it to feel like you’re actually in the ring as Cro Cop delivers one of his lights-out head-kicks…

#10. Keith “Satan” Jardine assaults Chuck Liddell

#9. Gina Carano weighs in

The fighter salaries for WEC 31 were released yesterday. Here are the figures for the fighters who were on the televised card:

Urijah Faber ($40,000, including $20,000 win bonus) def. Jeff Curran ($10,000)

Jens Pulver ($60,000, including $30,000 win bonus) def. Cub Swanson ($5,000)

(Charles “Chainsaw” McCarthy, lookin’ svelte!)

— Contradicting earlier rumors that Michael Bisping’s first opponent as a middleweight will be Evan Tanner, Sherdog is reporting that Bisping will face Charles McCarthy in London on March 8. Nicknamed “Captain Miserable” on the fourth season of The Ultimate Fighter, McCarthy’s last match was a submission victory over Gideon Ray in November 2006. With UFC 82 scheduled for March 1 in Columbus, this could mean that the Bisping/McCarthy bout is part of a UFC Fight Night card — or, the entire thing could be made up, which is always a possibility.

Fedor Emelianenko’s last fight — which went down April 14th at BodogFight’s “Clash of the Nations” — got off to a rocky start, with Matt Lindland punching open a cut over Emelianenko’s eye in the opening seconds. Fedor’s only career loss came from a first-round stoppage due to a cut, and there was no way he was going to let that happen again. Bleeding onto the mat, Emelianenko worked double-time to find a submission and end the fight. Find it, he did:

The stylishly urban fight fans at Complex just put up a particularly kick-ass interview with Georges St. Pierre, in which the welterweight contender talks about training for his upcoming throw-down with Matt Hughes, the best strip clubs in Montreal, his former life as a club bouncer, and the emotional pain of being called “Freakin’ Frenchy.” Among the highlights:

— (On his last fight against Matt Serra): “I’m a human being and I’m gonna lose some of my fights. That’s what I told my fans. I cannot promise my fans I will never lose again. Nobody can do it. Nobody is invincible. But what I can promise my fans is that I will never show up in a fight where I’m not 100% mentally and physically and where my head is somewhere else. It will never, never happen again.”

— (On emulating Patrick Swayze in Road House): “In the street you can be as strong as you want, but nobody’s faster than a bullet. Being a bouncer, according to me, it’s more being able to talk and being able to use words instead of your arms to do the job. One time I had a problem with somebody and I was like ‘Hey come outside. I need to talk you. The music is too loud.’ And once we were outside, ‘Sorry my friend. You hit on every girl, you make trouble, you grab the girls’ asses. Tonight you’re finished. You can come back tomorrow, I don’t mind. It’s nothing personal, but tonight is over.’ (imitating club-goer) ‘Oh you have no right to kick me out you motherfucker!’ and I just said, ‘Bye-bye, have a good night.’”

Anyway, go read it.

(Anderson Silva giving Rich Franklin the business)

Check out more of Scott’s work after the jump. To buy prints, click here.

Quote of the week, from Randy Couture via the Houston Chronicle:

“We got an official offer from M-1 to the UFC to do a co-promotion for the Couture-Emelianenko fight, and they (UFC) rejected that offer. Really, the only thing standing in the way for that fight right now is Dana and the UFC. Obviously, M-1 is happy to do a co-promotion like that. It only serves to help them. I think the UFC is looking at it the other way, and it’s like why do we want to help out another organization? The fans want to see that fight. At some point, you have to put that first.”

Well isn’t this a good morning! In an interview with Jarry Park, former Octagon Girl Ali Sonoma dropped the following bombshell regarding her maybe-fiancee Diego Sanchez:

AH: Are you and Diego still together?
AS: No, we decided to call it quits based on our careers. I will be away for months…we are still best friends, though. We talk everyday. I do and always will love him. He is on a different level of any guy I have ever met.

Congrats, gents! Your chances of dating Ali just went from “snowball’s chance in hell” to “snowball’s chance in Phoenix”! Sonoma also spoke about the UFC’s chilly reaction to her relationship with Sanchez:

Wandy likes to rock the party!

I don’t know what this ad is selling — or if it even is an ad — but I’ll take twelve!

Remember that rumor about Rich Franklin fighting Travis Lutter at UFC 82? Well, according to Franklin himself, it ain’t true. From a post on RichFranklin.com:

I am told there are rumors of me fighting multiple people in March. I have not signed for a fight in March. I don’t believe that I am allowed to fight more than once in a night. I hope this clears up any confusion. I have not signed to fight anyone in March, or any other month.

Bummer! It sounds like Franklin isn’t even thinking about his fight career until filming wraps on Weapon. As an expression of our disappointment, here’s Ace getting knocked out by Lyoto Machida, who faces (and will probably be beaten by) Rameau Sokoudjou at UFC 79:

Hong Man Choi…

…and Richard “Jaws” Kiel

(For the first installment of “S@B,” click here…)

In advance of a 3 p.m. ET media conference call, the IFL released this document to journalists, outlining the organization’s plans for 2008. Some of the highlights (which will be discussed in more detail later) are:

— “We will transition from the ‘teams’ (Silverbacks, Lions, Condors, etc.) nomenclature to a more open and fluid camp matchup system. The camps remain the essence of the IFL plan, and as already discussed, those camps that have already been most successful will continue on in the IFL…We will add Mario Sperry’s WorldClass MMA camp out of Las Vegas and Ian Freeman’s group from the UK.”

— Each of the nine camps will compete a minimum of three times over eight events in 2008, with four camps competing on each night. The eight events will be held at the Orleans Arena in Las Vegas, the Izod Center in East Rutherford, New Jersey, and the Mohegan Sun Arena in Uncasville, Connecticut. Each event will include at least two title defenses. “The title defenses can either be existing athletes or a ‘one off’ from another organization or a ‘free agent’ matchup of a fighter available not signed to an organization.”

The supa-foxy Joanne of MMA Girls — star of the ever-popular “how to pass guard” video — has released a new video of her predictions for UFC 79:

Wow…I’d watch this girl predict the results of a dog show. (And yes, put me down for five of those adorable little teddy bears!) Still, I disagree with Joanne’s claim that the Hughes/GSP match will go the same as the last one. I don’t see Hughes getting caught with a head-kick again, and he’s been preparing for a fight for the better part of a year, while GSP took the match on a month’s notice. But yeah, Silva, Sokoudjou and Clementi do seem headed for victories (I’ve never seen Soa Palelei or Eddie “The Manic Hispanic” Sanchez fight, so I won’t make a call one way or the other). Any disagreements, take it up with the comments section…

I know, I didn’t hear about this either! But apparently there was a Turkish movie released last year called Kurtlar Vadisi Irak (“Valley of the Wolves Iraq”), about a group of Turkish soldiers who try to get revenge for a series of atrocities committed by Americans during the occupation of Iraq, and Tito Ortiz was in it. He’s actually the only American character with a conscience; the film also stars Billy Zane as a sadistic Army commander and Gary Busey as a Jewish-American doctor who harvests organs from injured Iraqi prisoners to sell to rich people in New York, London and Tel Aviv. In one scene (shown below), the survivors of a raid on an Arab wedding are being driven to Abu Ghraib prison via shipping container, when Ortiz’s character complains that the captives may be suffocating. His partner shoots the container full of air holes. When Ortiz threatens to report to incident, he is shot. Watch, if you must:

With a budget of $10.2 million, Kurtlar was the most expensive Turkish film ever made, and it was a box-office hit. To put that in perspective, the most expensive American film ever produced was Spider-Man 3, which had a budget of $258 million. So, nice try Turkey, but you’re not even close! Holla when you can hang with the big dogs…

“I’m not sure that he would be a contender anytime soon. I don’t think he would beat Rich Franklin. He certainly wouldn’t beat Anderson Silva or Dan Henderson. Not sure he’ll make a big impact.” — Jason MacDonald on Michael Bisping’s drop to middleweight

“I guarantee you that if I would have fought Silva both times in the UFC, I would have won. Not [because of] the cage, [because of] the referees. I guarantee I would have beaten him.” — Quinton Jackson on Wanderlei Silva

Though we’ve already discussed the salaries of each fighter at the Ultimate Fighter 6 finale on December 8, the customary fight bonuses handed out that night were kept under wraps until yesterday. The “Fight of the Night” was awarded to both the Huerta/Guida main event and the Koppenhaver/Rollins bloodbath, and each of the four fighters received an additional $15,000. Koppenhaver also picked up the $15,000 “Knockout of the Night” bonus, while Matt Arroyo scored the “Submission of the Night” purse for his acrobatic armbar of John Kolosci. So, the total payouts for each fighter are:

I wasn’t planning on posting about this — mainly because it’s ridiculous and there’s no real source — but it keeps popping up so I feel like I need to weigh in. Basically, 411mania.com is floating a rumor that EliteXC is considering a four-man heavyweight tournament that would include Kimbo Slice, Bob Sapp, Butterbean, and Tank Abbott.

By CagePotato contributor Kipp Tribble

10. Jens Pulver vs John Lewis (15 seconds)
UFC 28: High Stakes was the venue for this classic KO. The left hook that Lil’ Evil lands is the stuff that bar-fight dreams are made of. Lewis hits the mat and appears to want to fight the ref for a few seconds until deciding he’s better off lying still. Not much to it, but damn what a shot to the face – and one that pushed Lewis into early retirement.

9. Gary Goodridge vs Paul Herrerra (13 seconds).
Way back in 1996 at UFC 8: David vs. Goliath, Goodridge squared up against Herrera in what was being billed as a “solid match.” If by “solid” they meant a guy getting elbowed almost to death, then solid it was. Goodridge quickly wrapped Herrera up and was on his way to a submission, but decided, “Why not? I’ll just try and kill him instead.” Double G then proceeds to land elbow after elbow to Herrera’s temple, rendering him pretty damn lifeless.

8. Aleksander Emelianenko vs. James Thompson (11 seconds)
Well, this one just makes us smile. First you have James Thompson, built like a Mack truck and shaking with fury. Then you have doughy Aleksander Emelianenko, who looks like he just woke up from a nap. As they meet in the center of the ring, Thompson gives Emelianenko a stare-down that would crush cement; Emelianenko calmly wipes a booger off his upper lip. If you haven’t seen what happens next, we won’t spoil it for you…

UFC Octagon Girl Arianny Celeste would like you to know that her official site, missariannyceleste.com, has re-launched with never-before-seen modeling pics and candids. We’d like you to know that the pics on her MySpace page kick the ass of those on her official site. Why, just look at what we found during a few minutes of trawling…

Karo Parisyan, who most recently bored us to tears at UFC 78, embarrassed himself again while appearing as a guest on Friday’s episode of Inside MMA. During a discussion of women’s MMA, Karo threw in his two drams:

“Look, I know all the women are going to hate Karo Parisyan now, but the cage is not for women…I mean, Gina Carano is a very beautiful girl. I don’t know why she wants to mess her face up to get in that cage. For me personally, I do not want to see any girl get in the cage and fight…Can’t they do one thing that guys do and they don’t? Just one? Give me a break. They do weight-lifting. They do wrestling. Not MMA, please. It’s too brutal for women.”

Parisyan went on to lament how, in glorious nation of Armenia, women are now allowed to ride in inside of bus.

For his blatant sexism, Karo’s punishment should be to watch this terrible commercial in a continuous loop for 24 hours straight. Parisyan also becomes the first recipient of CagePotato’s “Ortiz Award”, for his outstanding achievements in referring to himself in the third-person like a complete fucking jerkoff.

(Props: MMA Junkie)