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15 Moments of Instant Regret [GIFs]

December, 2007

Yes, He’s a Real Estate Agent; Yes, He Tapped

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F.o.t.D.: Jason Miller vs. Frank Trigg

Jason “Mayhem” Miller and Frank “Twinkle Toes” Trigg are headlining tomorrow night’s HDNet Fights: Reckless Abandon show (more on that later), and though the two middleweights are fighting separately, they met previously at “Icon Sport: Mayhem vs. Trigg” (12/1/06), where Miller lost the middleweight belt that he had just taken from Robbie Lawler. Icon’s rules are similar to PRIDE’s former rules, so brace yourself for loads of soccer-kicks to the head and one seriously unsympathetic ref.

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Michael Bisping to Stop Binge-Eating

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The UFC has announced via a profile article on Michael Bisping that the former light-heavyweight TUF winner will officially make the wise drop down to middleweight. As the story goes:

The drop down has been a long time coming for the British striker. While other top light heavyweights walk around at over 230 pounds when not in training camp, Bisping, one month and many hearty meals removed from fighting at UFC 78 in New Jersey, weighs only 211 pounds…

Bisping said: “Dana thought it was a great idea, he said I’d be ‘a monster’ down at middleweight. In fact all sorts of people like Rampage (with whom Bisping is close) were telling me this was the best thing for my career. Really, I knew middleweight was the place to be. When I went to train with Rampage in America over the summer, when we’d go eat he’d have half a lettuce leaf; I’d have a pizza or a couple of foot-long Subways and a couple of sneaky cookies.

Not sure what “sneaky cookies” are, but if they’re anything like “ookie cookies,” then yes, Bisping should stop eating them. And by the way, Mike, it’s not cool to pig out in front of your bro when he’s trying to cut weight — though the “My Dinner With Rampage” scene I’m envisioning is so entertaining it should get its own Odd Couple-esque sitcom:

Rampage (to waitress): Lemme get, ah…I want that salad. Dressin’ on the side.

Bisping (to waitress): Roit, I’ll ‘ave two foot-long Subways, luv. Double-meat, double-Swiss. Yeah, safe.

Waitress: Subways?

Bisping: Roit, Subways. Subways. Subway fookin’ sandwiches.

Waitress: Sir, this is not a Subway. We don’t serve—

Bisping: Roit, look — two foot-long bread-loaves. Roast beef, turkey, ham. Lettuce, pickles, black olives. Spicy mustard, mayo. As much Swiss cheese as you ‘ave. Got all that? Brilliant, now do it twice, luv, and quickly. I ‘aven’t eaten in 45 minutes.

Waitress: I’ll see what I can do. [she leaves]

Bisping: Yeah, you see what you can do. Bloody coont.

Rampage: Maaaaaaan…two Subways? How you gonna do me like that?!?

[cue laugh track, cut to black]

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Roger Huerta as Smart as He Is Pretty

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(“Do it, Roger! Choke that old bag out!”)

MMAWeekly posted an article today summarizing Roger Huerta’s recent appearance on MMAWeekly Radio, in which El Matador declared that he’d be taking up to eight months off from fighting in order to rest, finish his degree in business management, and develop his takedown defense. Said Huerta:

“I’m not fighting for 6, 7, 8 months. I did everything I could this year, I tried to keep helping promote the sport, keep making it grow, but I think I didn’t get a lot of R&R. I trained through Thanksgiving for this fight, I didn’t even go home to Texas to spend time with my family…You know the truth is I need to finish school too. I fought 5 times this year and I think that’s the most anybody’s ever done in the UFC and I think I’m going to take some time off.”

Translation: “There’s no way I’m going to fight again — and potentially lose my shot at the UFC lightweight belt — until after Sean Sherk fights the winner of Penn/Stevenson, when I’ll obviously be the next in line to challenge for the title. What am I, a schmuck on wheels?”

Since the dude went 5-0 in 2007 and just proved that his pristine record is no joke, Huerta deserves a break as much as he deserves a chance to win the lightweight championship. So big ups to Roger for playing it smart and not immediately setting up a meaningless fight. On that note, here’s how I’d rank the UFC’s lightweight division, in terms of ability:

1) BJ Penn
2) Roger Huerta
3) Sean Sherk (w/o ‘roids)
4) Mac Danzig
5) Joe Stevenson

If you see things differently, by all means, post your own list in the comments section. I just can’t wait to hear you try to explain why Frankie Edgar and Ken-Flo are, like, the sickest fighters ever.

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Broken Hand Forces Another Switch at IFL GP

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Two days after the IFL announced that Shad Lierley broke his toe during practice and would be replaced at the IFL World Grand Prix by John Gunderson, we’re now getting word that John Gunderson has aggravated a hand injury in training, and will be replaced by Portland Wolfpack member Ryan “The Lion” Schultz. With a record of 17-9-1 (4-2 IFL), Schultz is just as credible an opponent for lightweight favorite Chris Horodecki as Gunderson was, but Horodecki beat Schultz via TKO when they fought last year, and their rematch will likely turn out the same way.

Can the IFL please just give Horodecki the title already? He’s clearly cast a Polish-voodoo curse on their lightweight division, bringing injury to those who would dare compete against him. And what’s going to happen when Schultz mysteriously blows out his knee? Do they just give the next mediocre fighter on the list a shot at the belt? I say bring in Hard Gay and be done with it. Word on the street is, he’s impervious to spells…

UPDATE: Ryan Schultz is the guy who gave Roger Huerta his only professional loss, way back in June 2004 at SuperBrawl 36. And because I didn’t mention it before, I’d just like to point out that this is actually the third time Chris Horodecki’s opponent for the IFL Grand Prix has been swapped; he was originally scheduled to fight Wagnney Fabiano, who dropped down in weight class when the IFL decided to offer a featherweight title.

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Dana White’s Nuts Appear on CNBC’s Chin

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How weak of a puff-piece B.J. was last night’s “Ultimate Fighting: From Blood Sport to Big Time” special on CNBC? I think this quote says it all:

“At six feet and a chiseled 210 pounds, Dana White looks every bit the ferocious ultimate fighting champion.”

Whaaaaaa? You mean the paunchy, doughy Dana White? That one? Look, we realize you’ve been paid off, but at least try to maintain the illusion of journalistic integriity. This is television — you can’t tell us things that are straight-up contradicted by the images on the screen. FightOpinion has a full recap of the half-assed UFC informercial, so give it look if you’d like to be disgusted even further.

And here’s something I learned today: When you do a Google Image Search for Dana White (no quotes), the first result takes you to SlyBaldGuys.com (“the place where bald guys rule!”). Among the support group message boards and product reviews of balm and wipes, White is featured in a roundup page called “5 Successful Bald Men,” where he shares space with such hairless luminaries as Iron Chef America winner Michael Symon and creepy character actor Jackie Earle Haley. Kind of a low-rent list, if you ask me. They couldn’t find room for Bruce Willis, Neil Strauss and Edward Norton in American History X?

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‘War Machine’ May Be Eating Elbows in Prison

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The San Diego Union Tribune has reported that Jo(h)n “War Machine” Koppenhaver attended a preliminary hearing today to face felony assault and battery charges, stemming from an incident in September where he allegedly choked a man unconscious and hit him in the face outside of Undisputed, the San Diego gym where he works as a trainer. Seems pretty straightforward, right? Well, it gets weird:

Darren Zatkow testified that he was visiting San Diego with his then-girlfriend when he was assaulted outside the club after a night of drinks on the town. He said he was confronted by a group of men without shirts who surrounded him as he left the club. He said he was grabbed in a carotid choke hold and dragged a few feet from his friends by one of the men. Zatkow said he did not see who grabbed him from behind. Friends of Zatkow’s who testified said he was punched in the face while he lay unconscious on the ground…San Diego Police Detective Fernando Ramirez said a Las Vegas doctor who saw Zatkow days after the assault determined that the facial blow caused four fractures to his left eye socket. The injuries could cause temporary or permanent nerve damage, Ramirez said.

A New York man who was in San Diego at the time testified for the defense that he saw Koppenhaver hold Zatkow during the confrontation outside, but he said the person responsible for the assault was another one of the men standing outside the club…If the case goes to trial and Koppenhaver is convicted, he faces a maximum penalty of seven years in prison, said prosecutor David Williams.

So to summarize: Koppenhaver and his friends — shirtless and well past normal business hours — lay in wait outside of the gym that he works at, and gang-stomp tipsy clubgoers as they stumble outside of the nightclub that’s adjacent to the health club. Is that about right? Jesus, I knew San Diego was boring, but there’s no excuse for this. Also, though Zaktow never saw who grabbed him from behind, and a witness claims War Machine only held Zaktow while his buddies did the rest, through their own hazy methods of deduction, the Union Tribune decided, in their second paragraph, to run with the more exciting version that Koppenhaver was responsible for the punching and choking. Anyway, we hope the guy gets a fair shake, and that if he has to do some time, he’ll get a cell-mate that can appreciate a good upper-decking.

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Aw man…

Can’t the WEC provide a box for the bantamweights to stand on when Frank Mir interviews them?

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F.o.t.D. #2: Jens Pulver vs. Cub Swanson

Swanson might not be talking so much shit after this one. If you missed our WEC 31 recap, click here. I’d also like to point out that as of 5:04 p.m. ET, 41% of CagePotato poll-takers thought that the show was ridiculously, insanely awesome, while 59% of CagePotato poll-takers are idiots. Good to know!

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Chuck Liddell Can Apparently Read, Write

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By CagePotato contributor Kipp Tribble

In a literary achievement that will surely rival Ulysses, A Confederacy of Dunces, and How to Make Love Like a Porn Star, Penguin Group has announced that it will release Chuck Liddell’s autobiography Iceman: My Fighting Life on January 29th. We’re just as shocked as you are. Chad Millman co-authored the 320-page tome — and by “co-authored,” we’re guessing they mean “authored” — as he did with Vincent Papale for Invincible. Enjoy a piece of Chuck’s eloquence from the book jacket:

“I learned how to fight at a very young age. Now I’m 6’2″, 220 pounds, and a trained lethal weapon, but I’m also fiercely loyal, maybe even a bit sensitive, and unexpectedly romantic. In raw detail, and with total honesty, I’m going to tell you the story of my fighting life—both inside and outside the Octagon—including my childhood in the poor section of Santa Barbara…”

Um, Iceman, we haven’t been punched in the head as many times as you, so don’t try to con us into thinking Santa Barbara has any poor sections. We haven’t seen the chapter list for MFL yet, but we’re pretty sure we can guess:

Chapter 1: Mommy, Why Don’t We Have a Dishwasher?

Chapter 2: In Which I Learn How to Party

Chapter 3: The Mohawk — A DIY Manual

Chapter 4: Cough Syrup, My Cruel Mistress

Chapter 5: Dana White Gives Good Back Rubs

Chapter 6: Models and Bottles — The Good Years

Chapter 7: Did You See Me on Entourage?

Chapter 8: Rampage Gets Lucky

Chapter 9: Unexpected Romance — A Guide to Strippers and Fight-Groupie Skanks

Chapter 10: Rampage Gets Luckier

Chapter 11: Yep, Still Partying

Chapter 12: Wisdom I’ve Acquired By Talking to Anthony Robbins and Getting Incredibly Fucking Drunk

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