(The following is to be read in the voice of Don LaFontaine)

Two boys, whose lives took two very different paths…

One became a champion, adored by millions…

The other, a thief who’s never played by the rules…

But they’ll have to work together to stop a conspiracy that goes all the way to the top…

[Cut to montage soundtracked by pounding drums, with brief shots of car chases, sex scenes, and naked bathhouse knife-fights edited together faster and faster until it ends with the sound/image of a gunshot]

[Cut to shot of Aleksander Emelianenko, who holds a lit cigarette over a pool of gasoline, says "The devil never sleeps," then drops it]

Fedor Emelianenko and Aleksander Emelianenko star in…

Okay, so the script isn’t exactly written yet, but come on — this shit writes itself! If you want to make a solid R.O.I. investing in an action-packed guaranteed-hit with a built-in fanbase, give us a shout. We promise we can keep costs down. For starters, we know some actors who will probably work cheap…

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