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15 Moments of Instant Regret [GIFs]

March, 2008

Chuck Liddell Wannabe #1

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Here’s one of the dudes waiting in line to meet Houston Alexander, Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira, and Sam Stout at the UFC booth at Saturday’s Arnold Classic, a multi-sport athletic competition and fitness convention held in Columbus every year. On the way to the Greater Columbus Convention Center, my West Indian cab driver told me he’d actually caught a glimpse of Arnold himself that morning, coming out of his hotel: “He looked great. He looks about 250, 280 pounds, and he had no wrinkles. The man is 60 years old. My father is 60. He doesn’t look like that.” I asked him what he thought Arnold’s secret was for staying so youthful. “Steroids and buttocks,” he said. I think he was trying to say “botox,” but he could have just as easily meant “getting tons of ass.”

It would not be the last time I spotted this haircut…

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Silva, Henderson, Leben Pocket UFC 82 Fight Bonuses

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Anderson Silva left the Nationwide Arena on Saturday night with the bank account of a champion, pulling in $120,000 in bonuses on top of his usual salary and win bonus (which were $60,000 each for his previous title defense at UFC 77). As announced in a press conference following the event, the UFC distributed its customary end-of-night bonuses like this:

Fight of the Night: $60,000 each for Anderson Silva and Dan Henderson.

Submission of the Night: $60,000 for Anderson Silva. It was the night’s only submission, unless you count the tapout-by-strikes that Diego Sanchez scored at the expense of David Bielkheden.

Knockout of the Night: $60,000 for Chris Leben.

So, another 1-for-3 performance on our bonus predictions, though we did call Arlovski for a KO/TKO in the second round. And Diego did technically win by submission. You know, I think we’ll just start predicting the outcomes from now on; we’d sound a lot smarter that way.

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Video: Anderson vs. Henderson

Take a look before it’s pulled…

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“Tappin’ Out’s for *Whores*”: Matt Serra at the 7/11


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Oh this? It’s just me hangin’ out at a 7/11 on the OSU campus in Columbus with my buddy, UFC welterweight champion Matt Serra. Pretty average Saturday night, really.

Alright, let me explain. You want the long version? Good.

The hierarchy of hatred in Columbus, Ohio, seems to go like this:

1) The University of Michigan, particularly its football team and its mascot, the wolverine.
2) New Yorkers.
3) All other non-Ohio residents.

As a U of Michigan grad who’s lived in New York for the last 5+ years, I could feel their eyes as soon as I stopped into Tommy’s Pizza to take a piss. It wasn’t paranoia; they knew. I got a sense of what it must feel like for a Crip to walk through a Blood neighborhood. That’s both an apt metaphor and a totally lazy one, as most people on the Ohio State campus — where I booked my hotel, mainly out of curiosity — were flying Blood-like colors yesterday. Literally everyone under the age of 25 and over the age of 50 was decked out in Ohio State sweatshirts, jackets, hats, whatever. It turns out that the Ohio State Wrestling Championships were that weekend — fitting, since former OSU wrestling champ Mark Coleman was going to be inducted in the UFC’s Hall of Fame that night — and the sporting types of Columbus were showing their support. So here I come into Tommy’s with my black pea-coat and reptilian loafers (already I was thinking afterparty), and my big Jew nose, reeking of Ann Arbor pheromones. Forks hits plates, a record scratched.

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UFC 82 Undercard Quick Results

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(Arlovski climbs the cage after vanquishing the evil forces of Lay ‘n Pray. Photo courtesy of my Canon Powershot.)

Andre Arlovski def. Jake O’Brien via ground-and-pound TKO at 4:17 of round 2
It’s hard to describe how cathartic it was to see Andrei Arlovski triumph over the excrutiatingly dull, cheap-suit-like wrestling-tactics of Jake O’Brien. In the first round, O’Brien shot in for takedown attempt after takedown attempt, and Andrei sprawled on all of them. It didn’t matter that O’Brien’s success rate was nearly zero; he was going to stick with his one attack, come hell or high water, booing fans be damned, because if the match went three rounds, he’d probably pick up the decision. But in the second round, Arlovski was able to take O’Brien to the mat and started droppin’ fists. O’Brien had no answer, the fight was stopped, and O’Brien took his first much-needed loss. Arlovski’s back, baby — just in time to leave the UFC over contract squabbles.

Luigi Fiorvanti def. Luke Cummo via unanimous decision
Luigi threw the “Silent Assassin” all over the cage for three agonizing rounds. There really isn’t much to say about this one except that Cummo looked like shit. I don’t even mean his performance, I’m talking about his physical appearance. Living off a diet of bark and urine doesn’t seem to contribute to an impressive physique or healthy skin tone.

Josh Koscheck def. Dustin Hazelett via TKO (head kick, punches on ground) at 1:24 of round 2
This one was the best fight of the undercard, easy. Hazelett rocked Koscheck with a punch early, which freaked Kos out enough for him to start throwing wild haymakers. After the opening brawl, Kos shot in for a takedown, and Hazelett sunk in a guillatine choke that nearly ended the match. Kos shook out of it and found himself in a traingle choke instead. Luckily, the bell rang. Koscheck turned it on the second, catching Hazelett with a thunderous head kick that sent him (both of them, actually) to the mat. Kos went in for the kill with punches from the top and it was all over.

Diego Sanchez submits David Bielkheden via strikes at 4:43 of round 1
Sanchez shot in for a takedown right after the opening bell, and never gave Bielkheden a chance to breathe. He worked some strikes from the top position until he scored full mount and started jackhammer-punching him in the face. Bielkheden didn’t wait around for the ref to stop the action and tapped out from the abuse. For that, he earned CagePotato’s Bitch of the Night bonus ($5).

Jorge Gurgel def. John Halverson via unanimous decision
Gurgel had Halvorson on his back eating leather more than once, but couldn’t find a way to finish him. Still, the Ohio crowd cheered hard for their homeboy through the match and showed mad love after his hand was raised. “Ohio is my family,” he said. Awww!

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UFC 82: Liveblog of a Champion

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Guest Liveblogger Ben Fowlkes of The Fighting Life here, all set and ready to go for UFC 82. I’m looking forward to a good night of fights, which I’m warming up for by watching Dana White swear through the countdown show. I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Click the “MORE” link and refresh the page every few minutes for round-by-round updates.

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