Ten Signs You’re About To Be Cut From The UFC
With the UFC dropping fighters like bad bean pies and more roster cuts on the horizon, you can bet that there are more than a few guys in the Zuffa stable who are feeling pretty nervous right about now.
It used to be just the fighters who put on a supremely bad performance got cut from their contracts, but not so anymore. The UFC is trimming the fat, which means plenty of able bodies may be getting the old ‘let’s just be friends’ speech from the UFC. But how will you know if you’re about to be the next one on the bread line?
Being the helpful jerk that I am, I’ve come up with a handy list of warning signs that it may be time to start looking for a new job (I’m looking at you, Marvin Eastman). Somewhere there is a strip club that’s about to get an influx of bouncer applications.
1. Someone keeps leaving a book on conversational Japanese in your dressing room.
2. The UFC begins paying your fight purses in change, and your post-fight bonuses in cases of Xyience and 40 oz. bottles of Mickey’s.
3. Every time you try and call Dana White’s cell phone, he suspiciously “can’t talk right now” because he’s just about to hop in the shower.
4. They take away your parking space and give it to Diego Sanchez, while giving you Kalib Starnes’ old spot. When you complain about how it’s all the way at the other end of the lot, they tell you not to worry because it’s “only temporary.”
5. When you show up to film your pre-fight shadow boxing montage, the crew doesn’t even bother to make it look like it’s raining.
6. Joe Silva schedules you for a fight with the new “Ultimate Fighter” winner. Before the current season is over.
7. Instead of giving you a Hummer after a victory, you get a bus ticket and a thermos of coffee.
8. When you pass “Rampage” Jackson’s trainer in the hallway and ask him how it’s going, he pats you on the shoulder and says, “Everything happens for a reason, son.”
9. Dana White keeps talking up this night class on air conditioning repair down at the technical college, insisting that it “never hurts to learn a trade,” before leaving you with a pamphlet and a forty-dollar check made out to the Registrar’s office.
10. You’re a wrestler whose fights always go to a judges’ decision.
-Ben Fowlkes
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May 2nd, 2008 at 9:01 am
This isn’t even almost funny. You fail…try harder.
May 2nd, 2008 at 9:07 am
#9 is pretty hilarious. as for the above comment, Dave Mustaine, is that you? you’re still angry about being kicked out of Metallica aren’t you? let it go Dave.
May 2nd, 2008 at 9:19 am
Damn right Joe Son! Hey Mustaine, Megadeath sucks my ass! You had some good guitar riffs, but I can’t excuse the terrible vocals. I could have farted into a microphone and it would have sounded better than the shit that spewed from your mouth.
May 2nd, 2008 at 9:20 am
i just waisted 10 minutes. i read slow i know
May 2nd, 2008 at 9:32 am
c’mon #8 was funny, or am I the only loser who watched TUF this week?
May 2nd, 2008 at 9:32 am
11. Roe Rogan leaves a you voicemail saying, “It’s all over! It’s all over!”
May 2nd, 2008 at 9:37 am
Good one, Justin. I thought a bunch of them were funny, like the parking space one. But I just love the idea of the fighters all showing up to work in one office every day, like the Sportscenter commercials. I don’t know why that’s so funny to me, but is.
May 2nd, 2008 at 9:42 am
I’m a fan of this site but that shit was weak bro. sorry, not funny or clever in the least.
May 2nd, 2008 at 9:47 am
the parking space one makes no sense since we all know that Diego, Huerta, and Eddie Sanchez all get dropped off by Joey Villasenor in a beat up truck on his way to Greg Jackson’s.
the security guards are sick of hearing “gasolin-a!!” blaring from the speakers
May 2nd, 2008 at 9:50 am
Oh good, racism. That’s much funnier. Consider the level of discourse here officially lowered. Thanks, Douchebaggery.
May 2nd, 2008 at 10:11 am
would it make you feel better if I was brown myself? stereotypes are ok if they’re funny, you can relax now. Please do not call Al Sharpton
May 2nd, 2008 at 10:17 am
The mark of a likable guy is that he’s always telling other people to relax. This is a funny list. That guys named “Megadeth” and “Aryan” think otherwise is, I’m gonna say, inconclusive.
May 2nd, 2008 at 10:22 am
Douchebaggery that was some funny shit man (fuck em if they cant take a joke) and why are you brown?? Are you made of chocolate?? mmmMMMmmmMM chocolate…….. ohhh and Mustaine get a haircut you hippie!!!!
May 2nd, 2008 at 10:23 am
I think the #10 is true about Jon Fitch..that guys is a boaring piece of shit! I hope GSP tunes him and his pal Quick, then all 3 of those losers from AKA can fuck off.
Same with Tyson Griffin…he needs a 12 foot walk off an 11 foot pier! good luck !
May 2nd, 2008 at 10:28 am
“stereotypes are ok if they’re funny”
Too bad it wasn’t funny. I called Al Sharpton. He agrees.
May 2nd, 2008 at 10:30 am
funny list.
what’s with all the retarded comments, though? did sherdog link to this or something?
@ apt ninja: well said
May 2nd, 2008 at 10:38 am
#12 You continually lose but can’t get your hands on a Get-Out-of-Losing-Your-Job card because Elvis Sinosic owns them all.
May 2nd, 2008 at 12:09 pm
I say that you should come up with a list of signs that you are going to be fired from Cagepotato….I think posting semi-retarted articles like this is a sign you might be next to go….so here’s to the Kalib Starnes of CP…..get better or they wont give you your parking space back….
May 2nd, 2008 at 12:11 pm
you forgot one.
11. Dana White is on his period.
May 2nd, 2008 at 12:26 pm
i thought it was funny. it’s interesting that of all the people complaining, no one’s thought of a better one to add to the list. maybe Big Chris would have liked it better if it had a lame prison rape joke. judging by the poll results though, he’s about the only one.
May 2nd, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Yawn…
May 2nd, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Nice Burn Burns….I was doing my best to be negative, that’s all, a little negativity never hurt anyone did it??
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:13 pm
But don’t you see? That kind of negativity is why Travis Lutter is so sad!
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:18 pm
3PIC FAIL
Be funny or leave.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:51 pm
if big boob chicks work at Hooters, then chicks with 1 leg must work at IHOP
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:03 pm
This is kinda wrong:
#13 The only footage of you in the TUF show involves you making a sandwich for Matt Hamill.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:15 pm
5. When you show up to film your pre-fight shadow boxing montage, the crew doesn’t even bother to make it look like it’s raining.
this one is gold…….. a classic ufc cliche
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:26 pm
here’s my attempt…..
11. When you show up to your UFC weigh-in, Dana MAKES you wear the t-shirt for a competing sportsbook……
May 2nd, 2008 at 4:50 pm
gigantic FAIL
May 2nd, 2008 at 7:01 pm
Not everyone writes like bennyg give the guy a break u wouldnt of even noticed a difference if it had goldsteins name at the bottom lol
May 2nd, 2008 at 7:53 pm
#5 is priceless.
#11 You’re a heavyweight.
May 2nd, 2008 at 8:32 pm
This is a hilarious list. The other comments just prove how unfunny everyone else is.
May 3rd, 2008 at 2:33 am
#5 is funny man - and the whole things worth readin so When the fuck will SAKARA the “italian boxer” get shown the octagon door?
May 3rd, 2008 at 10:41 pm
#11. Dana mysteriously has to “be somewhere” within seconds of depositing his man-goo on your face.
May 5th, 2008 at 5:13 pm
#who gives a fuck. you blog for some half assed, shit site made for children and dudes who wish they were chicks so they could get on the wrong side of chucks “rape face”.
hmm maybe that’s just a sign of a meaningless life full of sadness?
cp is still funny though, but this list sucked more dick then a fiending crack whore.
May 5th, 2008 at 9:37 pm
CP take your meds!
I think your Freudian-slip is showing……you know? Guilty dog barks first, and loudest.
I think you are “projecting” your latent homosexual tendencies on others, when I think your anger should be pointed inward because of your lifelong lameness, and secret cross dressing, scat-eating !
I want you to take a deep breathe (try not to think about penises for a second) and just relax, Im sure the nice men in white lab-coats are coming to help.
Put down the gun son.
May 6th, 2008 at 5:44 am
#11. When you go to sign your next fight contract and you read at the top that it’s for a UFC PPV event that’s already happened and at the bottom there’s some small print you couldn’t read with a microscope.
May 6th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
You’re on the main event card, but you still have to share a locker room with Tamden McCrory.
May 7th, 2008 at 9:58 pm
#11. Dana e-mails you an application for TUF: The Comeback 2.
May 8th, 2008 at 10:07 pm
#13. You’re next to fight Kimbo Slice!