infomercial fail gifs
21 Humans Who Make Being Human Look Really, Really Hard

August, 2008

Damn the Courts! Rampage Jackson Still Looking at November Return


(Coming atcha, Portland)

So, okay, former UFC light heavyweight champ Quinton “Rampage” Jackson may have some legal troubles. He may have been charged with two felonies and a couple few misdemeanors resulting from his little driving mishap, and he may even be looking at potential jail time. Big deal. Does that mean he shouldn’t take a fight in November? Maybe. Probably. But so what. He’s doing it anyway.

According to Yahoo! Sports, Dana White is actively trying to set Jackson up with a fight for UFC 91 on November 15 in Portland, Ore.:

“Of course he’ll fight,” White said. “If he was doing drugs, if he had been drunk, if he had gone out there and done what he did because he was pissed off at someone, that would be a completely different story. But he was ill. And in this company, we support our friends and anyone who works for us when they’re ill and have problems. He was ill, the incident occurred, and now he’s fine.

“Rampage feels awful about the woman’s baby, but he had nothing to do with it. And the (traffic incident) occurred because he was very ill and not with him in control of his faculties.”

All right, I understand the argument that because he was “ill” it shouldn’t be looked at in the same way as someone with a drug or alcohol problem. That makes a certain degree of sense. Until you consider that this “illness” was entirely self-imposed. Rampage decided not to eat, sleep, or drink anything other than energy drinks after his last fight. That’s not like coming down with the chicken pox. It’s more like coming down with the crazy-energy-drink pox, which is almost as bad as the cocaine pox, except not as expensive.

Read More DIGG THIS

If This Doesn’t Make You Thirsty For Malt Liquor, You Must Not Have a Serious Drinking Problem Yet

The first time I ever got drunk it was thanks to Mickey’s Fine Malt Liquor. At the time I was fifteen and didn’t know that the phrase “Fine Malt Liquor” made no sense at all. Some friends and I got the big mouth bottles and drank them as fast as we could in the vacant lot behind the supermarket. Needless to say, we soon threw up and had horrible headaches, but the point was we did it. The fact that it was awful only made us feel more like men, which of course we weren’t. It wasn’t until a few months later when I saw a homeless man drinking a forty of Mickey’s in the street while holding his pants up with his free hand that I realized maybe we had been using the wrong metric by which to gauge our manhood.

Mickey’s lost me as a customer back then, but that doesn’t mean they’re giving up. They’ve apparently decided to go the Coors Light route, and instead of investing money into coming up with a better product they’re simply going to do weird stuff to the container. The newest weird thing: putting Tito Ortiz on their limited edition cans.

There’s something that’s just too perfect about seeing Ortiz hook up with Mickey’s. They were both once beloved by the UFC until the organization found something better, and they’re both responsible for regrettable pregnancies. Too far?

Read More DIGG THIS

Bas Rutten Doesn’t Take Kindly to Mockery


(Props: MMA Scraps)

I’ll assume that by now you’ve all watched and re-watched Bas Rutten’s infamous bar-fight self-defense video dozens and dozens of times. Well, a Canadian comedian/MTV Live host named Daryn Jones has also seen it, and he put together a series of parodies spoofing the sadism and matter-of-fact delivery that made the original so beloved. His first clip is above; you can watch parts 2-4 here.

So, whatever, good for a chuckle. Problem is, Bas Himself has seen the clips (!!!), and he’s none too pleased. His video response is below. Hope it was worth it, funny man — you’re now on Bas’s dangada-dangada list. But besides the obvious lesson of you don’t mess with El Guapo, we also learn a couple more things in the video: 1) Rutten likes to drink pond scum, straight up. 2) His Tony Montana impression is shockingly good for a Dutchman. Enjoy.

Unrelated hilarity after the jump.

Read More DIGG THIS

EliteXC Quick Notes: Diaz, Rogers, Cyborg, Noons + More

Brett Rogers MMA EliteXC
(“Yeah man, so this is like, one of the *actual tires* that came off of Rampage’s truck. No shit. Got it off Craigslist.” Photo of The Grim by Esther Lin.)

Nick Diaz and Brett Rogers won’t be sitting on their hands waiting for their arch-rivals KJ Noons and Kimbo Slice to become available — MMA Junkie reports that both fighters have been scheduled to appear at EliteXC’s November 8th event, which will be broadcast on Showtime. Their opponents haven’t been announced yet, but EliteXC’s Jared Shaw confirmed that Joey Villasenor will also be part of the event; rumor has it that he could face Robbie Lawler for the middleweight title.

Speaking of the Showtime card, FiveOuncesofPain reports that EliteXC wants to add Eddie Alvarez to the lineup, and build up to a fight for the vacated lightweight title if him and Nick Diaz win their fights and KJ Noons continues to be a problem. Side note: Before Diaz competes again for EliteXC, he’ll head to Japan to battle Hayato “Mach” Sakurai at DREAM.6 (September 23rd; Saitama, Japan) for DREAM’s welterweight title. In other EliteXC news…

— A fight between Cristiane “Cris Cyborg” Santos and Yoko Takahashi has been officially added to the undercard of Saturday Night Fights III on October 4th. If time permits, the match will be shown on the broadcast on a tape-delay basis. Cyborg vows to improve on her last performance by knocking Takahashi out three times in the first round.

— EliteXC’s heavyweight champ Antonio “Bigfoot” Silva has released a longer statement about his steroid bust. Some highlights:

Read More DIGG THIS

Get Some Perspective: Ken Shamrock’s Last Victory

(Props: MMA Scraps)

The year was 2004. Britney Spears was still skinny and childless. “Deadwood” had just premiered on HBO. Janet Jackson sparked controversy by showing the world her wonderful, glorious nipple during the Super Bowl XXXVIII halftime show. It was a different time, a simpler time.

It was also the last time Ken Shamrock’s hand was raised in MMA victory, after a TKO via knee 1:26 into round one against Kimo Leopoldo at UFC 48: Payback. On the same fight card, Frank Mir broke Tim Sylvia’s arm, and a little-known fighter by the name of Georges St. Pierre knocked out Jay Hieron on the undercard.

Now here we are, four years (and, for Shamrock, five straight losses) later, and “The World’s Most Dangerous Man” is preparing to headline a fight on CBS against Kimbo Slice, a former backyard brawler now trained by Bas Rutten. If that’s possible, just imagine where we’ll be four years from now. The world is indeed a strange and inscrutable place.

Read More DIGG THIS

It’s Official: Tito Ortiz Put a Baby in Jenna Jameson


(‘Ain’t love beautiful and totally freaking bizarre, baby?’)

Okay, so that headline might be slightly misleading. All we know for sure is that there is a baby inside Jenna Jameson. How it happened and who’s to blame, that’s all speculation until they go on the Maury Povich show to get the DNA test done. The real question is, when the results are announced, will Tito be the type of guy who launches into a awesomely inappropriate celebration dance? Oh, these timeless questions.

Our friends over at Holy Taco have more on Jenna’s official pregnancy announcement, as well as a hilarious take on what the fateful night of conception must have been like. Naturally, this is followed by a photoshop that will probably condemn you to hell for all eternity just for looking at it. As if you weren’t headed there, anyway.

We can’t help but wonder what kind of child will come out of this union of bodily fluids. Being the progeny of famous people already increases your chances of being a total screw-up in life, even more so than being the progeny of rich people, and this kid will be both.

But beyond that, it will also be the child of two people who are famous for, shall we say, unconventional reasons. Perhaps no other child in the history of the universe will have as many opportunities to get in fights with kids at school who say things about his mother, while also having such great chances to win all those fights via ground-and-pound.

Could this be the perfect recipe for creating a future MMA star? Maybe. Or else he’ll grow up hating his parents and become an ultra-conservative evangelical preacher who leads aggressive campaigns to outlaw pornography, pro fighting, hastily-thrown-together memoirs, and hair dye. Either way, this child is going to be something special.

Read More DIGG THIS

‘Babalu’ Gets New Opponent, Thomson Gets Non-Title Fight

Josh Thomson Strikeforce MMA
(Josh Thomson’s just happy to be anywhere right now. Photo courtesy of MMA Weekly.)

In yesterday’s interview with Renato “Babalu” Sobral we wrote, “Right now, the only thing that’s certain is that Sobral will be fighting Bobby Southworth on September 20th for Strikeforce’s light-heavyweight championship.” But in this mixed up, muddled up, shook up world, can anything be certain? Not so much, apparently. MMA Junkie is reporting that Southworth has dropped out of “Strikeforce at the Mansion II” due to an undisclosed injury. Sobral will instead face Anthony Ruiz (21-11), who previously defeated Southworth via cut stoppage in a non-title fight last November, then lost a decision to Southworth in June when the belt was actually on the line. A month later, Ruiz fought in the undercard of EliteXC: Unfinished Business, where he defeated Jeremy Freitag for the third time in his career.

Sadly for Babalu, this means that his next fight won’t be for a belt after all. But as with the first meeting between Southworth and Ruiz, Strikeforce doesn’t even guarantee title fights to their reigning champions. In fact, Josh Thomson — who earned Strikeforce’s lightweight title with his five-round pwnage of Gilbert Melendez in June — was recently booked for a non-title fight at the September 20th Playboy Mansion show. He’ll be facing Ashe Bowman, a 6-4 Lion’s Den product who has absolutely no business being in the cage with someone on Thomson’s level. Bowman is coming off a three-fight win-streak, but those three opponents sported a combined record of 0-2 at the time he faced them.

Honestly, it’s one of the most bizarre matchups in recent memory. And it emphasizes the ridiculous nature of Strikeforce’s non-title matches. They’re denying Bowman a title shot to prevent the possibility of a total scrub wearing the belt; so why exactly are they throwing a total scrub at their champion in the first place? If Strikeforce has no other credible lightweights to vie for the championship (a sad state of affairs in itself), can’t they let Thomson take fights elsewhere until they find somebody? It’s a waste of The Punk’s time, and it’ll almost certainly be a lopsided loss for a young fighter who should still be woodshedding in regional shows.

Read More DIGG THIS

Rampage Formally Charged; Faces Up to 3 Years

Quinton Rampage Jackson Toyo MMA
(Photo courtesy of MMAPunch.)

The Orange County District Attorney’s Office has formally charged Quinton “Rampage” Jackson for his July 15th vehicular misadventure in Costa Mesa. The former UFC light-heavyweight champ is looking at one felony count of evading while driving recklessly, one felony count of evading a peace officer and driving against traffic, three misdemeanor counts of hit and run with property damage, and one misdemeanor count of reckless driving. If you’re a lawyer and you know the difference between those two extremely similar-sounding felony charges, please enlighten us.

Jackson will enter his pleas to the charges during his arraignment on Thursday, which will take place in a Santa Ana, California, courtroom at 9 a.m. PT; he would receive a maximum sentence of three years in prison if convicted, though he could potentially receive as little as probation. Luckily for him, there will be no formal charges related to his collision with Holly Griggs, the woman who suffered a miscarriage two weeks after being sideswiped during Jackson’s “delirium”-fueled joyride:

“We reviewed all the medical records and spoke with the victim’s physician and the evidence showed that the loss of the fetus was not related to the crash,” said Farrah Emami, spokesperson for the Orange County District Attorney’s Office.

That may or may not rule out a future civil suit — again, lawyers, a little help? — but it’s clear that the cards all need to fall in Jackson’s favor if he hopes to fight again this year. Or next year, for that matter…

(Props: Sherdog)

Read More DIGG THIS

Elite XC’s Twisted Approach to Matchmaking

I don’t know why I was so discouraged to hear that Elite XC had decided to match Kimbo Slice against Ken Shamrock, with a Brett Rogers option reserved for some possible version of the future. I should have expected this. I guess I’m just too much of an optimist. I thought Elite XC might try for a competitive, somewhat meaningful fight instead. I’ll never learn.

It’s not that I don’t understand what Elite XC is thinking. If anything, that part is all too obvious. They want a name to put on the marquee next to Kimbo’s. Someone with drawing power, yes, but not someone who stands a good chance of winning. Preferably, they’d also like the next Kimbo victim to be susceptible to knockout. So they called on Shamrock, an over-the-hill legend who has been getting KO’d by a list of fighters that starts out fairly impressive and then gets less and less so as we near the present. He’s perfect, given their priorities, but that only tells us how screwed up their priorities are.

But it’s not just Shamrock-Slice. Look at another high profile Elite XC fighter, Gina Carano. Instead of matching her up against “Cyborg” Santos — a fight they were already hyping by the end of Santos’ victory at “Unfinished Business” — they’ve decided to put Carano up against Kelly Kobald, who’s coming off two straight losses. They’re not even bothering to try and come up with a compelling explanation for it, just ask Pro Elite CEO Chuck Champion:

“It’s giving both an opportunity to further develop their fan bases and develop further excitement around the potential of them coming together,” Chuck Champion, CEO of ProElite, which runs the EliteXC brand, told MMAjunkie.com (www.mmajunkie.com). “If Chris destroys another opponent, people are really going to be clamoring, especially if Gina gets in and clobbers hers. It’s just really about letting the fighters develop, letting them grow in their skills and their character development in order for them to eventually meet one another.”

In other words, they’d rather string us along with a few squash matches first. The fact that they aren’t even intended to be competitive, that doesn’t seem to bother Elite XC. And that’s what’s really disappointing.

Read More DIGG THIS

What a Lonely Time to Be K.J. Noons


(Have you seen me?)

First Nick Diaz implored him not to be scared, homey. Then Jared Shaw went looking for him on the back of a milk carton. Now even Fabricio Camoes is getting in on the K.J. Noons bashfest. Maybe the force of public opinion will be enough to force Noons into a fight after all. You just have to wonder how much longer he can stand criticism like this:

“I’m waiting, I’m looking forward to fight him (KJ Noons). Inside EliteXC everybody had the chance and lost, but I’m here. I’m with six victories, two inside Elite and want to face him… I came to get his belt…I don’t know if he’ll accept a fight with me. They offered Nick Diaz and he didn’t wanted. The event is negotiating to try to put me to fight, I hope he accepts it”, said Fabricio [Camoes].

“The champion of the event picking the opponents… The champ has to fight whoever the event wants. Nick Diaz has qualities to steal his belt, and I want to get into this battle too. If you have the belt, you need to be prepared to fight everybody. Every fighter that goes to EliteXC wants to fight for the belt, nobody signs a contract thinking about fighting the worst opponent.”

Honestly, Noons needs to break his silence soon. Otherwise he risks going down in MMA lore as the champion who wouldn’t fight. It’s one thing to have Nick Diaz call you out. All that means is that you have a pulse. But when mid-level guys like Fabricio Camoes start implying that you may or may not be a total pussy, then you’re about one step away from being called out by Rue McClanahan.

For his own sake, Noons should at least let everyone know why he doesn’t want to defend his belt, whether it has to do with money, choice of opponents, or general disdain for Elite XC. Something, please. Even if he said he was quitting fighting to study jazz tap, that would still be better than nothing. We don’t want to say that he’s a punk, but he has been displaying some very punk-like qualities as of late.

Read More DIGG THIS
CagePotatoMMA