TUF 8.01 Recap: A Show of Balls
The season premiere of The Ultimate Fighter: Team Nogueira vs. Team Mir began not with a bang, but with a whimper: As the 32 UFC hopefuls lined up to get pep-talked by Dana White, Phillipe Nover got a case of the vapors and passed out. (Is this show hardcore or what?!) To add further embarrassment to his situation, nobody seems to know how to pronounce Nover's first name. He says "Filip," but everyone else decides to go with the more ethnic-sounding "fi-LEEP" or "fi-LEEP-ay." The guys are told they'll be given 24 hours to cut weight, and will fight the following day. Our Guamanian buddy Joe Duarte comes in ten pounds over, but it ain't no thing to him. Jason Guida, on the other hand, comes in like 47 pounds over.
During his agonizing cutting process, Guida pukes into a toilet like a sorority girl after a big date, then cramps up completely and his team has to look at his balls flopping out of his towel (see above). A doctor checks him out and says he can weigh in one more time before he's given IV fluids and taken to a hospital. His final score: 207. One pound away. He fucked up, and he's furious. He tells NSAC executive director Keith Kizer that he'll "never be forgiven." We are treated to this classic exchange...
Guida: "Just let me do this, doc."
Kizer: "I'm not a doc, but no."
And Mike Stewart, who was hanging out in the parking lot for just such an opportunity, gets in as an alternate. Then it's time for the fights...
Krzystof Soszynski vs. Mike Stewart (205): Stewart gets jacked right away with a huge left hook, and then swarmed with strikes until the ref stops it. Back to the parking lot, buddy. By the way, there's no fucking way I'm spelling out "Krzystof Soszynski" ever again. He will be referred to as K-Sos from now on.
Fernando Bernstein vs Dave Kaplan (155): Bernstein, a man after my own Hispanojew heart, faces another nice Jewish boy in Kaplan. Bernstein seems to strictly be a kickboxer, though, and after some ferocious striking exchanges, Kaplan gets the fight to the ground and sinks in a rear-naked choke. Dana suggests that Bernstein change his nickname from "Machete" to "Butter Knife."
Joe Duarte vs. Phillipe Nover (155): Duarte gets kneed in the pills early and takes a moment to recover. Nover proves to be a crafty striker, working knees and hard foot stomps in the clinch. Duarte nails Nover with a big left that sends The Fainter to the ground. Duarte gets on top and takes Nover's back, but Nover stays busy, slugging Duarte in the face from behind until the round ends. Nover takes Duarte down as the second round starts and sinks in a rear-naked-choke. So maybe he's not the next Anderson Silva?
Eric Magee vs. Jules Bruchez (205): Magee scores a takedown early and almost pulls off a guillotine choke, but Bruchez reverses, gets on Magee's back and chokes him out. Bruchez goes apeshit and starts running his mouth. "See that shit?" he screams at Dana White. "I saw that shit," Dana deadpans.
Highlights are shown from the next three fights...
Vinny Magalhaes vs. Lance Evans (205): Evans (Rashad's brother) suffers a rib injury in the first round and can't continue to the second. Magalhaes advances.
Antwain Britt vs. Ryan Jimmo (205): Britt wins by majority decision.
Brian McLaughlin vs. Brandon Garner (205): Garner nails McLaughlin with a devastating illegal knee to the dome while McLaughlin was in a kneeling position. McLaughlin says he feels lightheaded when the doctors ask him if he can continue. It's ruled a no-contest — the first such result in TUF history. Partly because McLaughlin was winning the fight up to that point, Dana White decides to send Garner home.
Junie Browning vs. Jose "Hitler Dog" Aguilar (155):
And now the moment we've all been waiting for. Aside from a few heel-hook attempts, Aguilar has nothing for Browning, who dominates from the start with sharp striking and takedowns. Mir clearly has a man-crush on Junie, telling Nogueira repeatedly how much he likes this kid, and screaming encouragement at every turn. (It occurs to me that Mir's team will have a distinct advantage with him as a cornerman — he's loud, precise, and doesn't require subtitles.) Browning whales on Aguilar from above for the second half of the first round, and nearly sets up a triangle choke from top position. Aguilar is saved by the bell, but just like Hitler in the bunker, he quits before he can take any more punishment. "I'm pretty," he says, caressing his face. "That's all that matters bro." Yep. And the other "straight-up criminals" will appreciate that when you eventually wind up in prison.
Junie leaves us with this bit of foreshadowing: "I heard there's free alcohol in the house. That ain't good."
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Comments
Ballflopper Says:
K-Sos = Best Nickname Ever!
Aaron Says:
First off, I can relate to fainting because I have before. It really sucks. I'm glad Phillipe got to "redeem" himself and get beyond his fainter image.
Second, I do not understand Guida. I wonder what his 155 lb. energizer bunny brother thinks about him. How do you not show up to the show in shape? Do they go straight from tryouts to the taping of the show? Since this does not happen very often, I assume Guida had a mental break down and sabotaged his own opportunity by not caring or taking care of himself before arriving to the TUF gym. Rudiger is still more pathetic, but Guida's ball cramps put him in the mix in the Not-so-TUF awards.
Earl Says:
Looks like the two most-hyped got sent the hell home. Duarte needs to look up War Machine. I thought he said he was, "Really, really, really RIDICULOUSLY strong." The Derek Zoolander of MMA. Shoulda tried "Magnum" on Browning. That would've guaranteed a win.
NINJA STICK Says:
WHAT A BUNCH OF TOTAL TOOL BAGS, BRAINLESS BELL ENDS AND KNOB HEADS..AFTER WATCHING THE LAST SHOW IF YOU GET PICKED YOUR GONNA HAVE TO FIGHT TO GET INTO THE HOUSE......SO HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU TURN UP OVER WEIGHT???? NOT ONLY THAT BUT 47 POUNDS OVER, WHAT A FUCKING DICK!!! I SHALL BE IN SHAPE IN LONDON TO GET ON THE NEXT UFC I WONT CRY TRYING TO MAKE WEIGHT, STUFF MY FACE WITH ICE CREAM, SMASH THE HOUSE UP OR LAY THERE WITH MY KNOB ON SHOW BUT I WILL WHACK THESES MFO'S AND KNOCK THEM THE FUCK OUT GIVEN HALF A CHANCE....
Vrax Says:
That triangle finish story Dana told about junebug was sweet.
Old, Bald and Irish Says:
Ya know, looking at that picture above, might I suggest that as a CagePotato Caption Contest image?
"Mir looks on helplessly as Guida screams in a Will Ferrell voice: BALL CRAMPS! BALL CRAMPS!"
Guida's a Fat Ass Says:
I wish Guida would've made weight so we could see him get knocked out. He's a slob.
Destro Says:
"just like Hitler in the bunker, he quits before he can take any more punishment."
Brilliant. You better be doing one of these every week.
tricky dicky Says:
Duarte bites the dust after many interweb heroes considered him to be the "next anderson silva."
Either way I have high hopes for the show but after the ball incident they are turning into goddamn american idol lmao..
Scott Says:
"he’s loud, precise, and doesn’t require subtitles."
***awesomely funny
justin Says:
caption: Frank and Beans
mayhem420 Says:
Jason Guida: "Please someone touch them, I just want to feel again!"
In The Clinch Says:
Hey Vrax are you from Lexington? Most people don't know that everyone calls him Junebug, so I'm guessing you're in the loop?
Anonymous Says:
Is it just me or does Junie remind you of Angel Face from "Fight Club"
Vrax Says:
@In the clinch: Nope, just watch a lot of fights online. Also, how could you /not/ call a man named junie "junebug" it's only proper.
Destro Says:
@ Anonymous:
"You're too...BLONDE!"
mayhem420 Says:
@ Anonymous: "I just wanted to destroy something beautiful"
TUF Guy Says:
Everyone that posted above me is a complete flaming homo. Your comments have no substance or point. You idiots should not comment because one half of you pretty much came out of the closet with your comments while the other half just proved that you mix concrete for a living. This site is dedicated to mixed martial arts fans so why don't you queers take your dumbasses to a Desperate Housewifes forum and describe your fantasies about having a guy named Ricardo shove his manhood into your throat while hold your nose shut? I can just imagine what you idiots look like. It wouldn't suprise me if all of you are the same idiot just posting under other names or if you bigots know each other from the schoolbus were you were forced to wear helmets and wear seatbelts on the way to school. Either way, just stop it, you're humiliating the entire MMA community. God forbid some of the fighters start reading these dumbass responses, it could force them to chance carreers. I know I would if I knew that my fanbase pretty much beats their meat while I am being submited or trying to submit someone.
And look at this sh*t-fuck Old, Bald and Irish. This idiot actually thought that his comment is so funny that it would have a shot at a captioning contest. A shit particle might have a better caption that the one you came up with. It's not just not funny, but it's not original or entertaining. It made me feel sorry for you. I can just imagine what both your dads have to go through on a daily basis.
DDT Says:
Damn, who pissed in TUG Guy's corn flakes. Easy boy Now sit. Good boy.
devilmonkey Says:
Lighten up, Francis.
TUG Guy Says:
Man I just wish that they would take that blur spot off of Jason's glorious man bits. Just one sweet look. Please?
Me Says:
Excuse me Guida, but you can't use the name TUF Guy anymore since you aren't on the show. I'm sorry I shouldn't take my frustration out on you, after all it's genetics that make you fat right? Maybe not. Maybe I'm just mad because your brother layed on Danzig all night. That kind of crap bugs me.
So do people like you.
TUF Guy Says:
Look at this dumbshit "TUG Guy" ... just one person that proved that he is mixing concrete for a living.
Me Says:
"Garner nails McLaughlin with a devastating illegal knee to Garner’s head while Garner was in a kneeling position. Brian says he feels lightheaded when the doctors ask him if he can continue."
This part confused the fuck out of me for a minute. I didn't watch the end of the show so I didn't see what happened. Took a few reads to interpret what happened.
devilmonkey Says:
And what's wrong with mixing concrete for a living? It's an honest wage for real work.
TUF Guy Says:
I've made my point loud and clear. You little bitches can go on and rant about it as much as you want but let me say this: Unless you live in the chicago area and you're in the vicinity of the Couture MMA Gym this and the following week KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT. I'll be working there for two weeks and if you like come and get your jaw split son, if not keep beating your keyboard and see if I give a flying 747 fuck. The internet gives people all kinds of courage but when it comes down to it, you a bitch. Bitch bitch bitch a bitches bitch. You bitches give bitches a bad name. ::flexes six-pack:: ::puches self into kidney:: I felt nothing son. Tcheeaa.
So unless you're in the vicinity of Chicago and are willing to throw down or you can bench more than twice your body weight keep your mouth shut. Thats an order ladies!
Me Says:
What if I live in the Vegas area and train at XC?
Bench twice your body weight? Ahh I see where you're coing from now.
Construction workers > meat heads. That whole roid rage thing you got goin on right now isn't at all impressive. ::punches self into kidney::??? lol wtf are you talking about.
Look I like Sean Sherk, but juicin' and showing up to a gym when Randy drops by doesn't make you a fighter. It's jackasses like you that put stains on MMA.
Me Says:
I didn't complete the Sean Sherk reference, sorry. It was meant to state that guys like Sherk and Lesnar (who also has a very impressive work ethic, despite his attitude) are real Mixed Martial Artists in that they continue to train daily in an effort to further their martial ability and don't rely only their strength. But idiots like TUF Fag just see muscles and assume that's all you need.
Somthing like that. So sorry if I offended Sherk, I am a fan of his.
You have 2B TUF if your name is "Junie" Says:
Does Junie remind anyone else of a coherent, young Gary Busey? I sure hope he didn't blow all of his clever one liners in the first episode.
And what's with so many fighters quiting? "Hitler Dog" couldn't continue? Don't they realize that they probally won't ever make it back to the UFC if they don't make a good impression? Rashad's brother even? "My rib is poking out", fag.
PS. NINJA STICK...I think that 47 lbs was an exageration. During the beginning of the show Guida got on the scale and weighed 217, that should have been an easy 11 lb cut. He just looks like he is 50 lbs over weight.
TUF Guy Says:
@ ME - You can't even complete a thought process in one try but it was a good attempt. One day my little one, one day...
Aaron Says:
@ TUF Guy- What's wrong with you? I'm not sure if you are a Guida fan. Afterall, you make fun of concrete workers when (Clay) Guida is a proud blue collar carpenter. Maybe you are Jason's mom? Anyway, whoever you are- your posts are about as pleasant as Jason Guida's ball sack display... not very easy on the eyes, and not appreciated.
tapoutorpassout Says:
Ummmmm, ok
tapoutorpassout Says:
"flexes six pack"? ummm, sure thing pal
"puches self into kidney"? can you decipher that for us all please?
One more thing, if the ones here are giving a bad name to mma fans everywhere, what exactly do you think kind of name are you giving to those that frequent Couture's gym? Let me answer that one for ya, not a very good one.
Noah Says:
@ TUF Guy - Here's a complete thought, you are an idiot! You must be really tough, because it says so in your name. Oh wait, what was that you did there? Your name is "TUF" Guy? Oh man, that is just too clever. You must be pretty smart and "TUF" to have come up with that by yourself.
Look, the internet was made for people to bitch about things behind a mask of anonymity. When you bitch about it, you're just feeding the fire. You are a tool. By the way, I am going to get a flight from LA to Chicago just to come and have you split my jaw... DUMB ASS!
MMA Wannabe Says:
"if you like come and get your jaw split son, if not keep beating your keyboard"
Irony is funny. You're doing the exact same thing. I'd also like to add that if you're going to be arrogant and self-righteous, at the very least, try to have good grammar, punctuation and spelling. Notice that I didn't say "perfect". I did say "good" though.
In response to the article, I know that there are some fighters that I train with that have more trouble than usual cutting weight but Guida's problem looks like terrible conditioning.
Old, Bald and Irish Says:
@ TUF Guy:
It's sperm-burping, 'roid-raging, twinkle-toed gym sluts like you that give MMA a bad name.
Seems like YOU feel reeeeeal comfy sitting behind your keyboard and threatening to split people's jaws. Oooooh...you must be a "real man", TUF Guy. We're all impressed that you can handle twice your body weight...
...in your ass.
Unfortunately, I don't haunt the Windy City anymore. 'Cause if I did, I could stop by Randy's place and meet you and be all impressed with ya. Then, when you go to split my jaw, I stuff ya and chinstrap you until you cry and shart in your pants.
Wow! Lookit that! The Old Guy can talk unsophisticated, inappropriate, childish, gay bashing smack just like you! And I didn't even have to use the word "bitch"!
...this internet thingy rocks, dont it TUF Guy?
So have fun as you "wax on, wax off" in the gym showers.
While your at it, check out BloodyElbows.com. You'll find a lot of soul mates there.
And props to you for not using the terms "dog" or "Hitler" in your post.
One last thing: I know that you're really a zit covered 13-year-old kid using their dad's computer.
So you stay classy, TUF Guy, and watch out for the HIV!
(*sound of TUF Guy burping sperm*)
Tuf Guy Says:
I would like to apologize to all you guys, I was on my period when I wrote all that stuff.
Listen don't come down to Chicago to hunt me up....yes it's true I will be working out in the Couture GYM, but I am the spit and puke bucket cleaner, and I have a small penis....and well I just don't want an assbeating.
I realize I talked more shit than any internet nerd should be allowed, but, I was a bleeding pussy, and I am better now, I hope you will all keep posting all your happy thoughts.
Oh by the way I think UFC fan is fucking hot, and I want his ballsack on my chin.......but I am scared of him cause he would prolly wipe his ass with my face!
Which is ok.....cause I not only talk it, I eat it as well.
Love you all in ahomo salad tossing sorta way- Tuf(gay)Guy.
mayhem420 Says:
@TUF Guy:
Hahahahahaha....... hahahahahahaha..... hahahahahaha...
Your funny.... thanks for making my work day a little more enjoyable.
I just love these kids that challange people to fight over the internet.
That in its self makes you an idiot. You talk about people acting tuff over the computer and how that makes them pussies.... but then you do the same thing.
So yea, your funny as all hell.
Old, Bald and Irish Says:
Apology accepted, TUF Guy.
...now put a tampon in it and get back to work.
TUF GUY Says:
Look at me do my best as a keyboard warrior...pathetic. I should really get a better hobby. Imagine what it would be like to tell people what I do with my free time...
mma pro Says:
i guess browning is who dana was refering to as the next anderson silva, pfft
mko Says:
Did Bernstein and Kaplan look like they could have fathered Ken Florian?
TUF Guy Says:
My name is TUF Guy ! With a capital T, U and F for a fucking reason. Cause I yell TUF when I say TUF Guy. Yea I chalenged you pussies to a fight and all I got back is some guy who doesn't know how to spell dumbass to threaten me that he 'might' fly here from california to fight me. What a loooserr. He would actually pay for round tickets just to get his neck snapped like some turkey facing a bear. Noah is the biggest idiot that I've encountered on this website yet, the rest of you are all in 2nd place though, so no hard feelings chumps.
Old, Bald and Irish Says:
"My name is TUF Guy ! With a capital T, U and F for a fucking reason."
That stands for Takes it Up the Farthole.
TUF Guy Says:
@ the FAKE TUF Guy... ironic that you try to copy me and then talk about having nothing better to do with my free time. Kinda makes you a tripple low-life. Once for having nothing better to do WITH your free time, once for taking the time to immitate me and once for being a dingleberry in real life.
:: keeps lifting 50 lb. dumbell with pinky finger ::
TUF Guy Says:
Old, Bald and Irish. Enough said. Shut your simple ass up. Your elementary style humor doesn't work with real men. God already has punished you enough, I am not gonna try to outdue him.
Old, Bald and Irish Says:
"I am not gonna try to outdue him."
"outdue"?
...you are an ass.
ProCannonFodder Says:
TUF GUY=Nick Diaz's mom
hevhtr Says:
First of all let me clear this up. Guida was not 47lbs over weight. He came in at 217 and couldn't lose the last pound. Not making excuses it is what it is. What you guys have to remember is that this is a "blog". The information reported here is this guys opinion/ thoughts. Thus the extreme over exaggeration of 47lbs over weight.
TUF Guy Says:
You're old and bald. I have respect for my elders so I am just gonna insult you as little as I can with the next few statements. 1st of all, I see that you idiots have nothing on me but to pull out your spell checks. You might be used to typing away at keyboards all day I type away at faces. If you feel like I insulted you because you are an idiot then hooray for me, that was the whole point. Nothing you can say or do can hurt me thus your opinions are void. I wish I had the time to address all you morons one by one but just like in real life, when I am beating up a bunch of sissies at the same time I don't take the time to look at each one and then decide where to land my lethal strikes, I just swing in their direction. That is exactly what is happening here, but your stupidity and your lame comments just stood out even more. You are like a hard, dark turd in a pool of diareha. So you asked to be addressed individualy without even asking for it.
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