(Okay, so this isn’t funny. Unless you count C.B.’s back tattoo.)

I don’t know if Forrest Griffin is conducting workshops in self-deprecating humor down at Xtreme Couture, but it seems to be the favorite style of comedy for fighters these days, or at least it’s a close second to the physical, shot-to-the-groin type humor that both Alistair Overeem and "America’s Funniest Home Videos" both love so dearly.

Reading through Amir Sadollah’s first blogging effort for Spike.com, which is loaded with these Griffin-like quips, you want to hate him.  He’s doing the same self-deprecating act he did on “The Ultimate Fighter,” and a part of you just wants to tell him to stop trying so hard.  Then you read on and are eventually forced to admit that, especially for a fighter, he really is pretty funny:

Hi everyone, my name is Amir Sadollah. You may remember me from my starring roles in some great television such as, The Hundred Thousand Dollar Pyramid, Parker Lewis Can’t Lose, and the actual Moon landing film. More recently however, you may recognize me from season seven of The Ultimate Fighter. When Spike initially contacted me about doing a blog, I didn’t answer the phone because I thought it was either a collection agency or another 1-900 number that had somehow tracked me down. After the confusion cleared up and they explained what they wanted, I immediately thought it was a great idea and told myself now is definitely the time to learn to read and write.

See what I mean?  It’s hard to hate him after the reference to “Parker Lewis Can’t Lose,” which really pisses me off because I love hating stuff.

Where Sadollah actually makes a useful insight is when he gives his take on the strange type of fame brought on him by TUF:

(Looks like cell block C is getting a new Santa for their annual Christmas party.)

A Las Vegas man went to extreme measures to ensure that his teenage daughter, an aspiring MMA fighter, stayed within her fighting weight.  Robert Blue chained his fifteen-year-old daughter to her bed to keep her from eating after he discovered she had gained weight and was sneaking food – canned peas and corn, of all things – and only released her to eat small meals and train with renowned Muay Thai coach Master Toddy.

According to a local news station the girl is a promising athlete, but suffered from having a moronic, overbearing father:

She holds world records for youth power lifting. She was vicious in the mixed marital arts ring. And her trainer Master Toddy says she has character.

"She has a heart. If she wants to be a fighter, she can be," Master Toddy said.

Blue also kicked his daughter, hit her with a stick and a weight belt, all, presumably, to help her become a champion fighter.  Just goes to show you that stage parents exist even in the sporting world, and are equally as disgusting.  But wait, it gets weirder and sicker:

Though last night’s episode of UFC Primetime opened with BJ Penn expressing frustration about the way he was portrayed in episode 1, it didn’t show him actually quitting the production and storming off or anything. In fact, the supposed tension wasn’t reflected at all after the opening scene. Episode 2 took a closer look at Penn and St. Pierre’s training camps and families. We see Penn’s new daughter, and his new nephew — the fifth member of the Penn clan to be named "Jay Dee." Meanwhile up north, GSP’s grizzled black-belt father shows up to his training camp, and we get a small glimpse of the effect that the elder St. Pierre had on his son’s life. Notably, there was no Dana White whatsoever in this episode, which I guess means he has more important things to do than babysit the lightweight champ. The third and final episode of UFC Primetime: St. Pierre vs. Penn airs next Wednesday. Will BJ show up for it?

(Photo courtesy of daylife.com.)

Due to a training-related injury, Chris Horodecki has failed his licensing exam with the California State Athletic Commission, and will not be appearing at Affliction’s "Day of Reckoning" event on Saturday night in Anaheim. Though early reports said the 21-year-old IFL vet was off the card because he failed a neurological exam, "The Polish Hammer" is actually suffering from a bulging disc in the base of his neck, which is restricting most of the strength in his right arm. Horodecki was supposed to face Dan Lauzon on the "Day of Reckoning" pay-per-view broadcast; Affliction is currently trying to lock down a replacement for Horodecki so Lauzon can still compete.

But on the bright side, at least "DoR"’s co-main event will still be happening. Gilbert Yvel has officially been cleared to face Josh Barnett after submitting his final paperwork yesterday afternoon. Said CSAC Assistant Executive Officer Bill Douglas:

Sure, Yvel told everyone that he’d be on his best behavior, and maybe he even believed it. But it’s like the story of the scorpion and the frog — no matter what the consequences, getting DQ’d is simply his nature.

(For a guy who looks like the bully in a teen comedy, he’s actually quite cerebral.)

If you’re like me, you’re pretty sick of hearing from Freddie Roach about how great Andrei Arlovski’s boxing is and how poor Fedor’s is.  It’s enough to make you almost wish that Arlovski would come out in a traditional boxing stance and try to use only his stupendous hand skills to defeat the world’s number one heavyweight, all just so boxing guys like Roach could get a quick and easy lesson in why that doesn’t work in an actual fight.  

Enter Josh Barnett – MMA’s well-spoken gentleman – who calmly explains why we’d all be better off ignoring Roach:

"As far as his striking not being impressive, I guess Freddie Roach is going to eat crow. It’s not like what Freddie Roach is used to and what he would normally step into a boxing ring and see across the way. Fedor’s striking for MMA is very precise and it’s been very successful for him."

"The minute you push him he doesn’t go back he comes forward and he just immediately punches and tries to take you down. If he encounters trouible on the feet, he doesn’t try to stay and work his way out of that, he changes gears."

Thank you, Barnett.  Thank you for reminding us that there’s a reason Fedor is the most dominant heavyweight in MMA, and that reason is not that he has yet to face a Freddie Roach-trained fighter.  Not that Arlovski isn’t also a tough fighter with a real chance to win, but damn, does anyone really believe that boxing is Fedor’s kryptonite?  Be serious.

The big problem with this Fedor video blog is not that it’s an obvious rip-off of Dana White’s video blog (though it is), but rather that the subject – Fedor – does not speak enough English to really be an active participant.  He’s essentially a spectator, which means they have to fill time with way too much Jerry Millen, who has all the charm of a used car salesman on coke.  

This is one more example of the way Affliction always goes wrong when they try to do a shoddier version of what the UFC does.  Their strength with “Day of Reckoning” is the fight card itself.  They’ve got some great fights on there, and instead of playing that up in the days before the event, we get to watch Fedor and his priest Rasputin look sad while Jerry Millen screws around in a limo and Donald Trump name-drops his way through press conferences.

Please, no more.  Can’t we just focus on the fights?

 
Props to Fightlinker for screen-capping the latest dose of brilliance from War Machine‘s infamously retarded MySpace blog/bulletins, for the benefit of those of us who aren’t subscribed. Basically, he calls President Obama a "rich white guy," a "rich faggot," and says that Obama is not one of "THE PEOPLE." Also, he kind of implies that someone should assassinate him. (Secret Service, are you getting all this?) Sounds like a classic case of Nader-supporter sour grapes. But wait, there’s more:

That’s a good start, War, but we’d also add:
1) Fuck a Cheney for showing up to yesterday’s inauguration looking like a broke-ass Jeffrey Lebowski.
2) Fuck a Palin for not bringing in the LARPer vote.
3) Fuck a Jon Koppenhaver for legally changing his name to War Machine then venting idiotic hostility via his MySpace page like some high-school fat girl.
4) Fuck a War Machine’s parents for not hugging him enough as a child.

("I never thought I’d meet someone who enjoyed licking people’s blood as much as I do. Thanks eHarmony!" Photo courtesy of CombatLifestyle.)

Well this isn’t good. Displeased with his portrayal as a spoiled brat on last week’s debut episode of UFC Primetime, BJ Penn has responded by…acting like a spoiled brat. According to MMA Junkie:

As on HBO’s boxing series 24/7 — from which Primetime takes many cues — the fighters on the UFC hype-show are set up as dueling opposites right from the beginning. Georges St. Pierre is the tireless hard-worker who struggled for everything he has and now enjoys wearing expensive suits, while Penn is the blessed-from-birth party-boy who sees no problem in taking five days off from training three weeks before the fight of his life, and generally prefers the RVCA t-shirt and shorts look. Obviously, those characterizations are exaggerated to create drama for the show — I don’t think anyone really believes that Penn isn’t taking this fight seriously — but nevertheless they got under the Prodigy’s skin and now he’s pulling the ultimate diva move and throwing a wrench into the UFC’s new multi-million dollar promotional tool.

Episode 2 of UFC Primetime airs tonight at 10 p.m. ET/PT on Spike TV, and the third and final episode will likely air next Wednesday, with or without Penn’s participation. We’re more concerned about the mental distraction that Penn might be facing at this point. A week ago he was a happy-go-lucky dude, catching some rays in Kona. Now he’s dodging furious phone calls from Dana White, while MMA fans across the country are calling him a lazy little punk. Will he be able to keep all of that out of his head on the 31st? Or is this a manufactured move to draw even more heat behind the matchup?

(Think of it this way: if Gilbert asked to "borrow" money, would you consider that a good idea?  It’s the same with betting on him.)

Just in case picking the winners in our official Affliction Pick-em Contest isn’t enough action for you (after all, you don’t stand to lose anything except time and self-respect), you can also wager actual money on the proceedings thanks to the internet and the wonder of off-shore gambling.  Here are the best betting lines on the World Wide Web, thanks to BestFightOdds.com:

Fedor Emelianenko (-350) vs. Andrei Arlovski (+336)
Josh Barnett (-500) vs. Gilbert Yvel (+491)
Vitor Belfort (+160) vs. Matt Lindland (-160)
Renato Sobral (-155) vs. Rameau Thierry Sokoudjou (+125)
Chris Horodecki (-220) vs. Dan Lauzon (+180)
Paul Buentello (-200) vs. Kiril Sidellnikov (+160)
Antonio Rogerio Nogueira (-110) vs. Vladimir Matyushenko (-120)
Jay Hieron (-275) vs. Jason High (+215)
Bao Quach (+160) vs. L.C. Davis (-200)
Albert Rios (+195) vs. Antonio Duarte (-245)
Brett Cooper (-200) vs. Patrick Speight (+160)

Thoughts…

(‘You may now resume bartering!’)

Fedor Emelianenko and the rest of the Affliction/M-1 traveling circus showed up to ring the Nasdaq opening bell this morning, thus signaling that everything is going to be a-okay in the financial world.  Just to make sure everything went smoothly, Fedor again wore his special sweater.  Either that’s the only article of clothing he brought to America, or Fedor didn’t go back to his hotel room last night because he wandered around the city looking for scary rollercoasters until morning.

- Sean Sherk will not be wrestling Roger Huerta out of the UFC, as was initially rumored, but will instead be taking on Frankie Edgar at UFC 98.  Edgar, who’s coming off a win over Hermes Franca at UFC Fight Night 14, was held down for three rounds by Gray Maynard for his first UFC loss back in April, so at least he knows the drill by now.

- A bout between Mirko “Cro Cop” Filipovic and Mark Coleman is rumored to be a possibility for UFC 99 in Germany this summer.  Dana White said he wouldn’t offer Cro Cop a one fight deal to accommodate his retirement plans, but says he’s open to bringing him back if they can come to terms.  The other opponent the UFC may be offering him?  Tito freaking Ortiz, seen above bro-ing down with Affliction.  

“UFC sources” say that they’d like to get Ortiz back for the Germany show to cash in on his popularity over there.  Apparently he’s a sort of MMA David Hasselhoff, which makes a lot of sense when you think about it.  The biggest obstacle between a Cro Cop vs. Ortiz or Coleman bout right now (aside from the fact that only one of those three men is under contract with the UFC) is the difference in weight classes.  Cro Cop doesn’t want to cut to 205, it seems.  Someone should remind him that Alistair Overeem is considering signing on as a heavyweight.  See if that doesn’t change his mind while also creating an ache in his loins.

Fox Sports Net aired their Fedor: The Baddest Man on the Planet documentary special last night, in which "the mystique of Fedor is uncovered," and "the secrets of the world’s most dominant fighter are finally revealed." And it was pretty damn entertaining, actually. Maybe not quite on the level of UFC Primetime (second episode airs tonight!), but we do get some insight into Emelianenko’s state of mind before and during fights, his shadowy training camp in Stary Oskol, his sado-masochistic bath-house routine, and his uniquely awesome way of trash-talking during grappling sessions. ("The crazy is coming. The crazy is going to happen now. It’s coming. Very soon.") Parts 1 and 2 are above, and parts 3-6 can be found at YouTube.com/DirtyFedor.

Below: This Japanese TV clip shows Olympic judo gold-medalist Satoshi Ishii visiting Las Vegas, where he steps into the Octagon for the first time, tries on the UFC’s "open-finga-glovos," takes some standup tips from Stephan Bonnar, and gives Randy Couture quite a workout.  

(Props: Nightmare of Battle)

After the jump: Frank Mir has something very important to say.

(Photo courtesy of Esther Lin.)

AskMen.com released their Top 99 Women of 2009 list this morning, and sandwiched between "Paper Planes" rapper M.I.A. (#74) and Lost actress Yunjin Kim (#72) is the world’s best-looking mixed martial artist and former American Gladiator, Gina Carano. Hey, score one for the presence of our sport in mainstream media. "Conviction" earned her place on the annual list via a month-long voting period that saw over 10 million votes cast by readers, and her 73-spot puts her ahead of such well-known hotties as Elizabeth Banks, Sophie Monk, and Maria Sharapova. Here’s an excerpt from AskMen’s bio:

By now, you’re probably wondering who landed in the top ten. Well, get ready to start arguing:

1. Eva Mendes, actress and model
2. Megan Fox, actress
3. Marisa Miller, Victoria’s Secret model
4. Keeley Hazell, British model
5. Anne Hathaway, Golden Globe® Awards nominee actress
6. Alessandra Ambrosio, Brazilian model
7. Scarlett Johansson, newlywed and actress
8. Rihanna, GRAMMY® winning singer actress
9. Kristen Bell, screen actress
10. Kate Beckinsale, screen actress

People still like Eva Mendes? And all of a sudden, Anne Hathaway is hotter than Scarlett Johansson? Blasphemy. Clearly, the top ten should have gone down like this…

(Oh, you fickle lady, you.)

In the old days it used to take something near to a seismic event to get the Associated Press to move a story on MMA.  That’s slowly changing, and this new report on the UFC’s legalization efforts in New York is a great example.  It’s all the same rhetoric from all the same interested parties that we’ve heard before, but once again Assemblyman Bob Reilly doesn’t disappoint when it comes to opening his mouth and allowing idiotic sounds to escape:

"What the people from Ultimate Fighting will tell you is that ‘We’ve changed the rules and it’s no longer this brutal, no-holds-barred sport that it was in the past,"’ Assemblyman Bob Reilly said. "That’s far from the whole story. What they don’t tell you is what is allowed. Kicking to the head. Kneeing them. Sitting on top of them and repeatedly punching them in the head and face. They don’t tell you those things."

They don’t?  Are they somehow hoping to keep it a secret?  

You have to love Reilly’s almost child-like understanding of what goes on in an MMA bout.  Sitting on someone and punching them.  Yeah, that’s a nuanced perspective if you’re an eight-year-old and you only recognize the mount position as that thing your older brother does to you when he finds that you rifled through his stash of nudie magazines.  And this is the man trying his best to keep the sport out of the state of New York.

But in case you’re wondering where Reilly’s peculiar little grudge against MMA comes from, he’d like you to know that it’s not really that big a deal to him:

(Fedor’s greatest enemy: nothingness)

We were so pleased with how many of you participated in our UFC 93 Pick-em Contest – despite the fact that most of you tasted bitter, humiliating defeat – that we’ve decided to run it back this weekend for “Affliction: Day of Reckoning.” 

Once again you get your chance to predict the results and win a prize, and once again you have to get your picks in to this forum thread by Saturday (1/24) at noon EST, or else you’re dead to us (for the purposes of this contest anyway).

But we learned a thing or two about how to do these bad boys after last time, so pay attention to our guidelines:

(Oscar, his life partner Tito, and their mentally-challenged adopted son Fedor. Mad props: MMA Mania.)

Earlier today in New York, Affliction held a press conference featuring Fedor Emelianenko, Oscar De La Hoya, Tito Ortiz, Donald Trump, Tom Atencio, and Vadim Finkelchtein. (I totally would have been there if not for the fact that something completely historic was happening at the same time; awesome scheduling as always, guys.) All the star power in the room was unfortunately upstaged by Fedor’s horizontally-striped pastel-hued Ultimate Sweater, which probably made De La Hoya and Ortiz very self-conscious about their boring tailored suits. When asked about his sweater, Emelianenko replied, "you dress for job you want, not for job you have."

Just kidding. But according to this Sherdog recap of the presser, here’s what actually went down:

— De La Hoya called MMA’s progress “incredible” and said he expected his company’s success in boxing to follow in MMA through working with Affliction. 

— Affliction VP Tom Atencio said he plans to promote four MMA events per year with Golden Boy. On the UFC’s counter-programming tactics, he said: "They’re going to do what they have to do to make sure that they’re the only game in town. With the organization that we have and the partners we have, I just don’t see that happening."

— "Day of Reckoning" color-man Tito Ortiz said he looked forward to “possibly” fighting for Affliction. 

— Fedor Emelianenko explained that prior to his World Sambo Championships loss in November, he wasn’t as prepared as he should have been, but he’s "fully motivated" for Arlovski. Regarding Arlovski’s much-publicized training with Freddie Roach and Roach’s criticism of Emelianenko’s boxing technique, Emelianenko said, "I never claimed that I had the best boxing technique in the world…[Roach] has trained a lot of great fighters and maybe he’s right, but we’ll see what happens in the ring. We’ll see what Andrei has to offer. We’ll see what I have to offer him.”

After the jump: M-1 Vice President Jerry "Gary" Millen completely bites Dana White’s style with his own video blog, which covers yesterday’s press engagements. What Fedor is wearing at the 4:42 mark may shock you.

(Photo courtesy of Sherdog.)

We were all a little shocked when Affliction’s impressively bloated salaries were made public following their "Banned" show last July. But the word on the street was that the super-high payouts were more of a publicity stunt than a part of the actual business model, and several fighters were reportedly asked to take pay cuts for their next Affliction appearance. Well, it looks like at least one "Day of Reckoning" fighter will be taking in considerably more bread this time around. Yahoo! Sports has the scoop:

Assuming Affliction keeps half of each $44.95 pay-per-view purchase, Arlovski would need to pull in nearly 44,500 buys himself this Saturday to justify a million-dollar salary. Tom Atencio was adamant that "Banned" drew over 100,000 buys, which is impressive for a non-UFC event, but when your total fighter payroll is over $3 million, you’re kind of effing yourself in the A, financially speaking. Plus, Donald Trump Jr. gets his cut whether Affliction turns a profit or not. And Affliction’s partners/underminers in Golden Boy have already sold 17,000 seats to the Shane Mosley vs. Antonio Margarito boxing match in L.A. on the same night as "Day of Reckoning," which should steal a lot of spectators and media attention from Affliction. And of course, many MMA fans will be saving their money for "UFC 94: St. Pierre vs. Penn 2" on January 31st.

So yeah, a million bucks sounds about right.

(‘Whoa, guys, I just had the worst dream.  Dan Henderson poked me in the eye and head-butted me and I lost the decision anyway and then…why are you all looking at me like that?  Where am I?  And why do I suddenly have no depth perception?’)

It’s all fun and games until somebody gets poked in the eye.  Word from Rich Franklin’s official website is that he will not need Anthony Johnson-esque surgery to repair the eye that Dan Henderson got knuckle-deep into, which is always good news. 

In addition to the eye-poke injury, Franklin also needed stitches in his head on account of the Hendo head-butt that opened up a nasty cut on his forehead, as well as stitches on his shin to close a cut resulting from one of his many kicks in the fight.  Basically, it was a rough night.  At least he had his special pink travel pillow to comfort him on the long journey home.

More pics of the damage “Ace” suffered are after the jump.  Take a look at those and then ask yourself anew, ‘Do you want to be a f*cking fighter?!’

(A woman scorned…)

Note to self, don’t piss off Stephanie Trapani, the now ex-girlfriend of Jeff Monson, because once you do she is not above ratting you out to the cops for offenses unrelated to your destruction of her laptop and grandfather clock.  

In an updated report on Monson’s arrest in North Carolina, The Olympian reports that Trapani (the nursing student/part-time model pictured above) recovered Monson’s cell phone off the side of the road after throwing it out her car window, and found pictures on it of Monson spraying graffiti on other locations in Washington besides the Capitol building.  And she’s not keeping those pics to herself, either:

"I’m sure the prosecutors would like to look at that," she said.

Oh, Stephanie.  Break up with the man, call the cops on him when he goes apeshit in your house, but don’t do this.  Don’t help police in an entirely different state build a case against him for graffiti, of all things.  Don’t become a rat.  Because you know who likes a rat, Stephanie?  Nobody.  Absolutely nobody.

Trapani also said that she “didn’t agree with a lot of the things [Monson] did," and never shared his enthusiasm for anarchy.  Which should be a lesson to everyone out there.  When looking for a romantic partner, don’t settle for just blonde hair and big tits.  Find someone who shares your interests!

Maybe Arianny Celeste released these stunning new photos in an attempt to steal back some of the MMA news attention that’s currently being heaped on Octagon Girl newcomer Logan Stanton — we’re not exactly sure where they came from — but at any rate, they started circulating the Internet last night, and we truly appreciate it; props to the UG and Fightlinker for the early finds. Caution: Those thumbnail pics are slightly more NSFW than the main pic, and therefore way more awesome. Enjoy responsibly.

***

Arianny Celeste (born November 12, 1985) has been a UFC Octagon Girl since 2006. Born and raised in Las Vegas, Arianny is of Mexican and Filipino descent. She has modeled professionally since the age of 15, and previously attended UNLV, where she majored in fitness management and nutrition. Among her many magazine appearances, Arianny Celeste was featured on the cover of the May 2010 issue of Maxim, and was featured in the November 2010 issue of Playboy. Besides her duties as a UFC ring girl, Arianny also hosts the UFC Ultimate Insider web series.

Check out some of the UFC’s other hot ring girls…
Chandella Powell
Rachelle Leah
Ali Sonoma

(The Sandman lands a superman-punch en route to his record-tying eight-second KO of Houston Alexander at UFC Fight Night 13 in April. Photo courtesy of NBCSports.)

MMA Mania reports that James Irvin — who was handed a nine-month suspension for testing positive for Methadone and Oxymorphone following his TKO loss to Anderson Silva last July — will be making his Octagon return at UFC 98 (May 23rd, Las Vegas). It will be his first fight at middleweight, as Irvin will be shedding 20 pounds from his jacked frame to face Miletich fighter Drew McFedries, who’s coming off consecutive losses to Mike Massenzio and Thales Leites. 

Since neither fighter has a winning record in the UFC — Irvin is 4-4 and McFedries is 3-4 —the loser could find himself without a contract after this one. What’s more, Irvin’s health could be a question; besides the sizable weight cut, Irvin was recovering from a broken foot during the Anderson Silva fight (which is why he was taking those potent painkillers in the first place), and was the victim of a bizarre knee injury during his fight against Thiago Silva in May 2007. UFC 98 will be headlined by the long-awaited grudge match between Matt Hughes and Matt Serra. 

In other UFC fight-booking news…

— Tyson Griffin will be looking to rebound from his October loss to Sean Sherk when he takes on Rafael Dos Anjos at UFC Fight Night 18 (April 1st, Nashville). Griffin has been successful five times in seven UFC appearances, though his last six bouts have gone to decision. Dos Anjos is the Brazilian Fury FC/Pancrase vet who was on the receiving end of the fifth greatest knockout of 2008 during his unfortunate UFC debut in November. 

— Marcus Davis believes that Thiago Alves’s next opponent will be Mike Swick, though there’s been no official confirmation yet from the UFC. Davis has lost unanimous decisions to both fighters during his career, and wants revenge.

UPDATE: Also, TUF 8 losers Dave Kaplan and George Roop are throwing down at UFC 98.

(Get used to being in a cage, my man.)

Things just got worse for MMA’s favorite anarchist, Jeff Monson.  He was arrested this weekend in North Carolina on a charge unrelated to his malicious mischief trouble in Olympia, Washington.  Now he’s in jail on suspicion of “assault on a female and injury to real property.”  Girl troubles gone terribly wrong, in other words.  How disappointing.  

The Olympian got the story from 30-year-old Stephanie Trapani, of Advance, North Carolina, who apparently had a thing going with “The Snowman”:

Trapani says she had a romantic relationship with Monson, but they got in an argument after found out he had romantic relationships with other women. She also alleges "he has two wives." She said she found out information about his other girlfriends on his cell phone and she then threw the cell phone out the window of her car while she was driving to pick him up at the gym. When he found out his cell phone was gone when they returned to Trapani’s home, he got angry. "He went ballistic," she said.

If Affliction’s Fedor Emelianenko-Andrei Arlovski main event at “Day of Reckoning” this Saturday doesn’t draw as well as expected, you certainly can’t blame a lack of video hype.  Above is a preview for what is being billed as a documentary called “Fedor: Baddest Man on the Planet,” which will air on Fox Sports Net Tuesday night.  It’s important to note that this was put together by the people from M-1, so don’t expect a warts-and-all look at Emelianenko.  More like a really long commercial or an extended version of the "Arlovski 360" hype videos.  Speaking of which…

…here’s the latest installment, in which “The Pitbull” explains his plan to “fight like lightweight.”  We also get to hear more people talk about how great Arlovski is, how hard he trains, etc.  This is the fifth episode.  We get it.  He trains hard.  He’s a good fighter.  It’s not as if it becomes more true the more people you can find who are willing to say it on camera.

After the jump, Gilbert Yvel explains to “Inside MMA” why he punched that referee.  The short version?  It was wrong, but the ref was a dick.

(So few of us saw this one coming. Photo courtesy of UFC.com)

Well, it’s over.  We’ve gone through the entries and found who we believe to be the winners of The Great Cage Potato UFC 93 Pick-em Contest, although there’s a very good chance we screwed up the math, so check your own scores just to be sure.  There were a lot of solid efforts.  Plenty of 15’s and 16’s, and even one 2 (Perennial).  Come on, man.  You’re better than that.  Same goes for those of you who forgot to add tie-breakers.  It even cost some of you dearly.  What a shame.

There were two people to hit 20 and 21 points (Tharris6 and Criminally Negligent, respectively), although forum records show you two edited your posts after the entry deadline.  Now, maybe you were really just adding the fastest-finish tiebreaker, as you claim.  But unless you can prove that (and if you want to make your case, we’re listening, so drop us a line at feedback@cagepotato.com), you two gents are disqualified.  Sorry.

But speaking of that fastest-finish tiebreaker, that’s what it came down to.  Msinon and M7cky both scored 19 points.  But Msinon edged out M7cky by 34 seconds to claim first place.  Congrats, Msinon.  Those Round 5 figures will look great in that MMA diorama you’re working on.

Runners-up are after the jump.  If you didn’t win, don’t despair.  We’ll be running another contest this week for Affliction: DoR, with all new prizes up for grabs.  Check back tomorrow for details.

(From The Telegraph via MMA Scraps)

The Telegraph was in Mark Coleman‘s dressing room following his tough loss to Mauricio Rua on Saturday, and videotaped him experiencing all five Stages of Grief. Watch as the Hammer goes from shocked and despondent to furious at his corner ("I couldn’t hear how much time’s left! Scream it!") to blaming himself for not staying on his feet ("It’s my own fault…it’s my own goddamned [expletives]") to spitting blood into a bucket, which could possibly be interpreted as "acceptance." Of course, his post-fight vent-session doesn’t compare to the level of rage he had after taking his first loss to Fedor Emelianenko at PRIDE Total Elimination 2004. In case you haven’t seen it before, video of that incident is after the jump; audio NSFW.

 
("If you’d like to donate to the Michael Bisping Memorial Fund…")

According to UFC prez Dana White (via Fighters Only magazine), Michael Bisping would be ready for a title shot if he manages to defeat Dan Henderson following their coaching stints on The Ultimate Fighter: Team U.S. vs. Team U.K., which is scheduled to premiere on April 1st after UFC Fight Night 18. The only thing that would prevent an immediate title shot for Bisping in this scenario is if Anderson Silva is tied up in the light-heavyweight division. As White explains:

Ever the good employee, Bisping is already preparing mentally for the possibility. As he tells FO:

Oh man. Fighters talking about the proper way to beat Anderson Silva (and Fedor Emelianenko) never stops being hilarious to me. It should be noted that Dan Henderson actually had some early success against Silva with an aggressive rough-’em-up style during their fight at UFC 82 last March, but that only made the Spider angrier, and Hendo was obliterated in the second round. And as we saw in his last fight against Patrick Cote, Anderson Silva now has the power to blow-out knees using only his mind. So basically, Bisping had better start training with Freddie Roach, or he has no chance in this one.

 
(Props: "BuddyRevell" on the UG.)

Marcus Davis works on his 40-yard dash against Chris Lytle on Saturday night. Somewhere, Sensei Kalib Starnes is welling up with pride… 

(He’s going to make your car smell delightful.  And he is not joking about this.)

Now this is awesomely ridiculous.  Thanks to reader Erik for the find.  Apparently B.J. Penn sponsor RVCA sees no limit to the amount of Penn-themed crap they can sell to his loyal fans.  In addition to a signature B.J. Penn UFC 94 t-shirt and official B.J. Penn trunks (complete with the painted on black belt, and for only $61!!!), you can also get this cute little air freshener shaped like everyone’s favorite blood-licking Hawaiian for only six dollars.  And yeah, it’s coconut-scented.  What else?

For a guy from a wealthy family (as “UFC Primetime” continually reminds us), Penn sure is willing to put his name on anything for a buck.  Not that we blame him.  If we thought anyone would buy air fresheners of us, you can bet we’d be pushing them every day.  Only ours would smell like whiskey and nachos, which only appeals to the small segment of the population who want their cars to smell like the father who never loved them.

(Mark "Frankenstein" Coleman staggers into an uppercut.  Photo courtesy of NBC Sports.)

Thanks to our psychic abilities, we know exactly what two questions went running through your precious little head immediately after the curtain dropped on UFC 93: 1) How did I fare in the Cage Potato UFC 93 Pick-em Contest?, and 2) What will the Potato Index’s arbitrary numerical ratings system say about this event?

The answer to the first question is coming soon.  There are, after all, a lot of entries to sort through, and for that we thank you.  The answer to the second question begins…now!  Potato Index!!!!

Dan Henderson +23

He won the fight.  That’s the good news.  He didn’t look spectacular doing it, and we aren’t dying to see more of that particular style in the future, but a win is a win.  Now we have Hendo-Bisping to look forward to.  And that’s, you know, okay…

Rich Franklin -8

Honestly, this decision easily could have gone the other way (just ask the judge who scored it 30-27 Franklin), but it didn’t.  This loss isn’t a sign that Ace is washed up and he didn’t want to coach TUF anyway, so it’s not the end of the world.  It is, however, an indicator that he’s just treading water in the UFC for now, going neither up nor down.  There are worse fates.  At least this one pays.

Mark Coleman -54

Poor, poor Coleman.  Literally.  He says he didn’t have the money for a proper training camp, hence the non-existent cardio and an enthusiastic but misinformed Phil Baroni in his corner.  But what did we expect?  The man was great once, but nothing lasts forever, even cold November rain and explosive wrestling ability.  Please, either fight someone else in your age bracket, or call it quits.  We say this because we care.

(Varner on Cerrone: "If he goes toe to toe with me, he’s a dead man.")

Though it’s being swallowed in the collective hype of UFC 93, UFC 94, and Affliction: Day of Reckoning, the WEC is holding their next event this coming Sunday (1/25) at the San Diego Sports Arena in San Diego, CA. For once, Urijah Faber‘s fight won’t be the most interesting one on the card. Sure, his three-round rematch with Jens Pulver will be a must-see for California Kid/Lil’ Evil fans, but the real heat is behind the lightweight championship main event, in which defending champ Jamie Varner looks to make his second belt-defense against Donald Cerrone, the undefeated Greg Jackson-product who was one-half of WEC 36′s best fight. You can watch the action live on Versus beginning at 9:30 p.m. ET/6:30 p.m. PT; the full lineup is below…

MAIN CARD
Jamie Varner vs. Donald Cerrone (for lightweight championship)
Urijah Faber vs. Jens Pulver (FW)
Danillo Villefort vs. Mike Campbell (WW)
Jose Aldo vs. Rolando Perez (FW)

UNDERCARD
Benson Henderson vs. Anthony Njokuani (LW)
Edgar Garcia vs. Hiromitsu Miura (WW)
Dominick Cruz vs. Ian McCall (FW)
Scott Jorgenson vs. Frank Gomez (BW)
Blas Avena vs. Jesse Lennox (WW)
Charlie Valencia vs. Seth Dikun (BW)

Related: WEC 39 goes down March 1st in Corpus Christi, Texas, featuring the featherweight championship bout between Mike Brown and Leonard Garcia, and a welterweight title scrap between Carlos Condit and Brock Larson.

Fight-day installments of the Danavlog tend to be a lot more interesting than other episodes from the previous week, and the 1/17 video was no exception. It opens with DW chatting with Michael Bisping before they do a demonstration of UFC Undisputed in Dublin. Bisping reminisces about the days when he was unbeatable at Street Fighter II. He’s also pleased with the U.K. team that he’ll be coaching on TUF, and very psyched to be a part of it. During the video game demo, Dana White plays as Quinton Jackson, while the Count plays as himself. The simulated fight goes pretty much how it would if Bisping were to actually fight Rampage.

At the fights, Alistair Overeem stops by to to say hello to the UFC prez; giddy as a schoolgirl, Dana starts squeezing his muscles. Overeem points out that he’s not as big as Brock Lesnar. Dana asks him if he’s ready to fight in the UFC, and Overeem says he is if management can work it out. K-1 super-heavyweight champ Semmy Schilt is also in attendance, and Dana makes it clear that he’d be welcome in the Octagon too. Later, Joe Rogan brutally mocks a Dana White superfan directly behind her back, Mauricio Rua is offered the Chuck Liddell fight, and Dana calls Dublin "pound-for-pound the best fuckin’ place we’ve ever been."

After the jump: The trailer for Ultimate Champion, another underground cage-fighting flick starring master thespian Stephan Bonnar. One day, the Wayans Brothers are going to make a parody of these movies and call it Never Submit, Surrender, or Back Down While Fighting Your Redbelt in the Confessions of a Pit Fighter. Hey, if Paul Blart can be the #1 movie in America…