sloths funny photos album covers
Iconic Album Covers Replaced With Sloths

January, 2009

Remember Amir Sadollah? He’s Actually Pretty Funny


(Okay, so this isn’t funny. Unless you count C.B.’s back tattoo.)

I don’t know if Forrest Griffin is conducting workshops in self-deprecating humor down at Xtreme Couture, but it seems to be the favorite style of comedy for fighters these days, or at least it’s a close second to the physical, shot-to-the-groin type humor that both Alistair Overeem and "America’s Funniest Home Videos" both love so dearly.

Reading through Amir Sadollah’s first blogging effort for Spike.com, which is loaded with these Griffin-like quips, you want to hate him.  He’s doing the same self-deprecating act he did on “The Ultimate Fighter,” and a part of you just wants to tell him to stop trying so hard.  Then you read on and are eventually forced to admit that, especially for a fighter, he really is pretty funny:

Hi everyone, my name is Amir Sadollah. You may remember me from my starring roles in some great television such as, The Hundred Thousand Dollar Pyramid, Parker Lewis Can’t Lose, and the actual Moon landing film. More recently however, you may recognize me from season seven of The Ultimate Fighter. When Spike initially contacted me about doing a blog, I didn’t answer the phone because I thought it was either a collection agency or another 1-900 number that had somehow tracked me down. After the confusion cleared up and they explained what they wanted, I immediately thought it was a great idea and told myself now is definitely the time to learn to read and write.

See what I mean?  It’s hard to hate him after the reference to “Parker Lewis Can’t Lose,” which really pisses me off because I love hating stuff.

Where Sadollah actually makes a useful insight is when he gives his take on the strange type of fame brought on him by TUF:

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Las Vegas Man Chains Teenage Daughter to Bed and Starves Her into “Fighting Weight”


(Looks like cell block C is getting a new Santa for their annual Christmas party.)

A Las Vegas man went to extreme measures to ensure that his teenage daughter, an aspiring MMA fighter, stayed within her fighting weight.  Robert Blue chained his fifteen-year-old daughter to her bed to keep her from eating after he discovered she had gained weight and was sneaking food – canned peas and corn, of all things – and only released her to eat small meals and train with renowned Muay Thai coach Master Toddy.

According to a local news station the girl is a promising athlete, but suffered from having a moronic, overbearing father:

She holds world records for youth power lifting. She was vicious in the mixed marital arts ring. And her trainer Master Toddy says she has character.
"She has a heart. If she wants to be a fighter, she can be," Master Toddy said.

Blue also kicked his daughter, hit her with a stick and a weight belt, all, presumably, to help her become a champion fighter.  Just goes to show you that stage parents exist even in the sporting world, and are equally as disgusting.  But wait, it gets weirder and sicker:

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‘UFC Primetime’ Episode 2: Just the Important Stuff

Though last night’s episode of UFC Primetime opened with BJ Penn expressing frustration about the way he was portrayed in episode 1, it didn’t show him actually quitting the production and storming off or anything. In fact, the supposed tension wasn’t reflected at all after the opening scene. Episode 2 took a closer look at Penn and St. Pierre’s training camps and families. We see Penn’s new daughter, and his new nephew — the fifth member of the Penn clan to be named "Jay Dee." Meanwhile up north, GSP’s grizzled black-belt father shows up to his training camp, and we get a small glimpse of the effect that the elder St. Pierre had on his son’s life. Notably, there was no Dana White whatsoever in this episode, which I guess means he has more important things to do than babysit the lightweight champ. The third and final episode of UFC Primetime: St. Pierre vs. Penn airs next Wednesday. Will BJ show up for it?

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Horodecki Pulled From “Day of Reckoning” Over Bulging Disc

Chris Horodecki MMA IFL
(Photo courtesy of daylife.com.)

Due to a training-related injury, Chris Horodecki has failed his licensing exam with the California State Athletic Commission, and will not be appearing at Affliction’s "Day of Reckoning" event on Saturday night in Anaheim. Though early reports said the 21-year-old IFL vet was off the card because he failed a neurological exam, "The Polish Hammer" is actually suffering from a bulging disc in the base of his neck, which is restricting most of the strength in his right arm. Horodecki was supposed to face Dan Lauzon on the "Day of Reckoning" pay-per-view broadcast; Affliction is currently trying to lock down a replacement for Horodecki so Lauzon can still compete.

But on the bright side, at least "DoR"’s co-main event will still be happening. Gilbert Yvel has officially been cleared to face Josh Barnett after submitting his final paperwork yesterday afternoon. Said CSAC Assistant Executive Officer Bill Douglas:

"He went through a vary tough licensing process. I would venture to say tougher than anything Mike Kyle or (Kazushi) Sakuraba went through. He went through it, and it was done in a fair and equitable manner, and he made it. Gilbert understands that while we are fair, there is even less than a zero tolerance policy in play here. So at this point, the rest is up to him to show the world what kind of professional he is."

Sure, Yvel told everyone that he’d be on his best behavior, and maybe he even believed it. But it’s like the story of the scorpion and the frog — no matter what the consequences, getting DQ’d is simply his nature.

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Count on Josh Barnett For Some Perspective


(For a guy who looks like the bully in a teen comedy, he’s actually quite cerebral.)

If you’re like me, you’re pretty sick of hearing from Freddie Roach about how great Andrei Arlovski’s boxing is and how poor Fedor’s is.  It’s enough to make you almost wish that Arlovski would come out in a traditional boxing stance and try to use only his stupendous hand skills to defeat the world’s number one heavyweight, all just so boxing guys like Roach could get a quick and easy lesson in why that doesn’t work in an actual fight.  

Enter Josh Barnett – MMA’s well-spoken gentleman – who calmly explains why we’d all be better off ignoring Roach:

"As far as his striking not being impressive, I guess Freddie Roach is going to eat crow. It’s not like what Freddie Roach is used to and what he would normally step into a boxing ring and see across the way. Fedor’s striking for MMA is very precise and it’s been very successful for him."
"The minute you push him he doesn’t go back he comes forward and he just immediately punches and tries to take you down. If he encounters trouible on the feet, he doesn’t try to stay and work his way out of that, he changes gears."

Thank you, Barnett.  Thank you for reminding us that there’s a reason Fedor is the most dominant heavyweight in MMA, and that reason is not that he has yet to face a Freddie Roach-trained fighter.  Not that Arlovski isn’t also a tough fighter with a real chance to win, but damn, does anyone really believe that boxing is Fedor’s kryptonite?  Be serious.

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This Fedor Vlog Just Isn’t Getting It Done

The big problem with this Fedor video blog is not that it’s an obvious rip-off of Dana White’s video blog (though it is), but rather that the subject – Fedor – does not speak enough English to really be an active participant.  He’s essentially a spectator, which means they have to fill time with way too much Jerry Millen, who has all the charm of a used car salesman on coke.  

This is one more example of the way Affliction always goes wrong when they try to do a shoddier version of what the UFC does.  Their strength with “Day of Reckoning” is the fight card itself.  They’ve got some great fights on there, and instead of playing that up in the days before the event, we get to watch Fedor and his priest Rasputin look sad while Jerry Millen screws around in a limo and Donald Trump name-drops his way through press conferences.

Please, no more.  Can’t we just focus on the fights?

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War Machine: “F*ck an Obama”

War Machine Jon Koppenhaver MMA Obama
 
Props to Fightlinker for screen-capping the latest dose of brilliance from War Machine‘s infamously retarded MySpace blog/bulletins, for the benefit of those of us who aren’t subscribed. Basically, he calls President Obama a "rich white guy," a "rich faggot," and says that Obama is not one of "THE PEOPLE." Also, he kind of implies that someone should assassinate him. (Secret Service, are you getting all this?) Sounds like a classic case of Nader-supporter sour grapes. But wait, there’s more:

Jan 20, 2009 10:44 PM
And while I’m at it fuck a Bush for his shitty ass campaign, fuck a McCain for being so damn old and fuck a Hillary for being a female…shittt…last thing we need is a female in office.

That’s a good start, War, but we’d also add:
1) Fuck a Cheney for showing up to yesterday’s inauguration looking like a broke-ass Jeffrey Lebowski.
2) Fuck a Palin for not bringing in the LARPer vote.
3) Fuck a Jon Koppenhaver for legally changing his name to War Machine then venting idiotic hostility via his MySpace page like some high-school fat girl.
4) Fuck a War Machine’s parents for not hugging him enough as a child.

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BJ Penn Quits ‘UFC Primetime’ Over Negative Portrayal

BJ Penn UFC MMA hot girlfriend
("I never thought I’d meet someone who enjoyed licking people’s blood as much as I do. Thanks eHarmony!" Photo courtesy of CombatLifestyle.)

Well this isn’t good. Displeased with his portrayal as a spoiled brat on last week’s debut episode of UFC Primetime, BJ Penn has responded by…acting like a spoiled brat. According to MMA Junkie:

A source close to the show on Tuesday told MMAjunkie.com (www.mmajunkie.com) B.J. Penn recently shut down a taping and interview session for the series and no longer wants [to be] involved in the project.
 
Penn was apparently unhappy with how he was portrayed in last week’s debut of the series, which hypes a Jan. 31 UFC 94 main event fight between the Hawaiian fighter and UFC welterweight champion Georges St. Pierre.

As on HBO’s boxing series 24/7 — from which Primetime takes many cues — the fighters on the UFC hype-show are set up as dueling opposites right from the beginning. Georges St. Pierre is the tireless hard-worker who struggled for everything he has and now enjoys wearing expensive suits, while Penn is the blessed-from-birth party-boy who sees no problem in taking five days off from training three weeks before the fight of his life, and generally prefers the RVCA t-shirt and shorts look. Obviously, those characterizations are exaggerated to create drama for the show — I don’t think anyone really believes that Penn isn’t taking this fight seriously — but nevertheless they got under the Prodigy’s skin and now he’s pulling the ultimate diva move and throwing a wrench into the UFC’s new multi-million dollar promotional tool.

Episode 2 of UFC Primetime airs tonight at 10 p.m. ET/PT on Spike TV, and the third and final episode will likely air next Wednesday, with or without Penn’s participation. We’re more concerned about the mental distraction that Penn might be facing at this point. A week ago he was a happy-go-lucky dude, catching some rays in Kona. Now he’s dodging furious phone calls from Dana White, while MMA fans across the country are calling him a lazy little punk. Will he be able to keep all of that out of his head on the 31st? Or is this a manufactured move to draw even more heat behind the matchup?

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Gambling Addiction Enabler: Affliction’s Day of Reckoning


(Think of it this way: if Gilbert asked to "borrow" money, would you consider that a good idea?  It’s the same with betting on him.)

Just in case picking the winners in our official Affliction Pick-em Contest isn’t enough action for you (after all, you don’t stand to lose anything except time and self-respect), you can also wager actual money on the proceedings thanks to the internet and the wonder of off-shore gambling.  Here are the best betting lines on the World Wide Web, thanks to BestFightOdds.com:

Fedor Emelianenko (-350) vs. Andrei Arlovski (+336)
Josh Barnett (-500) vs. Gilbert Yvel (+491)
Vitor Belfort (+160) vs. Matt Lindland (-160)
Renato Sobral (-155) vs. Rameau Thierry Sokoudjou (+125)
Chris Horodecki (-220) vs. Dan Lauzon (+180)
Paul Buentello (-200) vs. Kiril Sidellnikov (+160)
Antonio Rogerio Nogueira (-110) vs. Vladimir Matyushenko (-120)
Jay Hieron (-275) vs. Jason High (+215)
Bao Quach (+160) vs. L.C. Davis (-200)
Albert Rios (+195) vs. Antonio Duarte (-245)
Brett Cooper (-200) vs. Patrick Speight (+160)

Thoughts…

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Bookings, Rumors, and Economy-Boosting Images


(‘You may now resume bartering!’)

Fedor Emelianenko and the rest of the Affliction/M-1 traveling circus showed up to ring the Nasdaq opening bell this morning, thus signaling that everything is going to be a-okay in the financial world.  Just to make sure everything went smoothly, Fedor again wore his special sweater.  Either that’s the only article of clothing he brought to America, or Fedor didn’t go back to his hotel room last night because he wandered around the city looking for scary rollercoasters until morning.

- Sean Sherk will not be wrestling Roger Huerta out of the UFC, as was initially rumored, but will instead be taking on Frankie Edgar at UFC 98.  Edgar, who’s coming off a win over Hermes Franca at UFC Fight Night 14, was held down for three rounds by Gray Maynard for his first UFC loss back in April, so at least he knows the drill by now.

- A bout between Mirko “Cro Cop” Filipovic and Mark Coleman is rumored to be a possibility for UFC 99 in Germany this summer.  Dana White said he wouldn’t offer Cro Cop a one fight deal to accommodate his retirement plans, but says he’s open to bringing him back if they can come to terms.  The other opponent the UFC may be offering him?  Tito freaking Ortiz, seen above bro-ing down with Affliction.  

“UFC sources” say that they’d like to get Ortiz back for the Germany show to cash in on his popularity over there.  Apparently he’s a sort of MMA David Hasselhoff, which makes a lot of sense when you think about it.  The biggest obstacle between a Cro Cop vs. Ortiz or Coleman bout right now (aside from the fact that only one of those three men is under contract with the UFC) is the difference in weight classes.  Cro Cop doesn’t want to cut to 205, it seems.  Someone should remind him that Alistair Overeem is considering signing on as a heavyweight.  See if that doesn’t change his mind while also creating an ache in his loins.

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