#7: Chris Willems vs. Akoni Nakila @ Rumble on the Rock Beatdown 4 (7/14/07), 9 seconds

What you’re about to witness is the MMA equivalent of a walk-off home run. Chris “Red Bull” Willems gets a leg-kick checked at the start of this fight, but then reloads and goes upstairs — hard. The sound of foot impacting with face can be heard all the way in the cheap seats, and Akoni Nakila is comatose before he even hits the canvas. We’ve seen some gnarly head-kick KOs in our time, but this one is a freakin’ masterpiece; Cro Cop himself couldn’t have painted it better.

CLICK HERE FOR THE VID…

(Making mean faces and threatening gestures isn’t just a hobby for Barnett, it’s a lifestyle.)

Despite the language barrier between them, Josh Barnett and Aleks Emelianenko still manage to maintain a fairly healthy war of words.  You might recall this video of Barnett trying to communicate to the other Emelianenko brother just how unafraid he was of a rematch with him when the two were both backstage at the first Affliction show last summer.  Then Aleks popped up recently to assure us all the he could totally fight in America, no matter what you heard, and also claimed he offered to fight Barnett but old Babyface refused to take him up on the offer.

Well, that’s about all you need to say to get Barnett to put your name in the streets on an internet forum.  And when he does, he’s not going to tiptoe around the  whole blood-borne disease issue:

It has come to my attention that Aleksander Emelianenko has been making very bold statements about me again. I have heard, from his own blog have you, that I have been offered a fight with him recently and refused and that I was scared when I approached him backstage at Affliction: Banned. Well, I for one have heard from many valid sources that Aleks has a blood borne disease such as Hepatitis B and with his abundance of tattoo work that could easily be the case. This rules out the possibility of fighting him in a sanctioned fight anywhere they require a blood test. I have not been offered any such fight with Aleks but will say this : If you want a rematch Aleks all you have to do is come up to me somewhere and say something. Talk any kind of shit you want and it’s on. If you got the guts, we will do it right then and there and I for one will make sure you won’t be able to ask for much of anything, let alone a rematch ,when I am done with you.

Hey, look who’s on "MMA Live."  Why, it’s Mike Chiapetta, who you might remember from those NBCSports.com segments on MMA before NBC threw up their hands and gave up on the sport altogether.  Now he’s writing for ESPN.com and filling in for Franklin McNeil alongside Kenny Florian.  Looks like NBC’s loss is ESPN’s gain.  In this episode the crew talks through the upcoming Fight Night event and touches on all the other pressing subjects of the moment.

You know what I like about this show?  It seems like they’re always talking about what we’re talking about it.  And by ‘we’ I mean the internet.  Maybe that’s because they’re an internet show, but they’ve really got their finger on the pulse of the online MMA community, which is probably meaningless to everyone but me.

After the jump, something just for fun.

(Props: Fightlinker)

Bob Sapp has lent his hulking, cartoonish presence to such critically acclaimed films as Big Stan and Elektra, but his next movie, titled Frankenhood, could be his biggest challenge yet. DreadCentral (via Fightlinker) gots da synopsis:

Holy Fucking Shit. It’s like a Tracy Jordan movie, but real. It’s also worth mentioning that the director of Frankenhood is a man named Blaxwell Smart, which I’m convinced is just a pseudonym for Ron Howard.

You have to give Bob credit — the man has never been afraid to humiliate himself for money. But here’s the problem: Who would look at Sapp’s dead body and think "basketball ringer"? He’s about as tall as a shooting-guard, and on the wrong side of 350 pounds. When Michael J. Fox put on the fur suit in Teen Wolf and started dunking on fools, I was like, "yeah, I can see that happening." Now cut to the set of Frankenhood, where a dangerously winded Bob Sapp is sucking an oxygen mask after doing one take of a scene where he has to zombie-walk downcourt.

Another question: What are Motown and Darius going to do with that $25,000 prize to turn their lives around? (Don’t say "scratch tickets.") And what will happen to their mutant friend after they’ve achieved their goal? Are they just going to rip out his battery and shove him in the dumpster? Can JB Smoove possibly save this wreck? Will Tyler Perry direct the sequel? Is it weird that I kind of want to rent this movie to see how it plays out?

("I used to be an AFC like Shinya. Now that I’ve learned the Mystery Method, I pull more tail than Hayato.")

DREAM’s 2009 welterweight grand prix kicks off April 5th at DREAM 8, and four of the tournament matchups have just been announced, along with a few features in other weight classes. The event will be headlined by a rematch between Shinya Aoki and Hayato "Mach" Sakurai; Sakurai previously won a decision over Aoki at a Shooto event in August ’05. Check out the current lineup below, and keep in mind that the opening round kicks off ten days from now, and only half the field is assembled. Not that this is the first time that DREAM hasn’t had all their GP participants locked down before the opening round, but this is really pushing it…

I don’t see how the winner of Aoki/Sakurai doesn’t just pwn the fuck out of this field, which is easily the weakest of any DREAM GP to date. Shirai and Ikemoto are local jobbers, and UFC/WEC-castoff John Alessio is only slightly better. High just got owned by Jay Hieron at Affliction: Day of Reckoning; too bad the Thoroughbred isn’t available for this tournament. And while Andre Galvao is a stud when it comes to jiu-jitsu, he’s underexperienced in MMA. There’d better be some big names attached to those last four spots, or the tourney could be a gigantic bust.

And the other bouts on the card aren’t much better. The Kharitonov/Monson clash could be entertaining, but of the six men in the other non-GP bouts, only Minowaman and Ninja have winning records. Seriously. DREAM is hoping for a big ratings resurgence when they return to a decent time-slot, but it’ll be hard to get fans interested — especially in the U.S., where once again, HDNet is airing the event days later on tape-delay.

(Your daughter’s prom date is here…)

When I called Junie Browning to see how he was feeling a week before his first UFC fight since “The Ultimate Fighter” finale, he was out shopping for video games.  It might not seem like it at first, but this is apparently a sign of how much his life has changed since moving to Las Vegas to train at Xtreme Couture and getting serious about his fighting career.  Now he trains full-time.  Despite living in Sin City, he doesn’t go out much.  Instead he stays home and plays Killzone or Resident Evil 5 in between training sessions.  It occupies his time.  And it keeps him out of trouble.

“All I do is train now,” he said.  “I’m in awesome shape right now.  Better than I’ve ever been, training harder than I ever have.  I’ve done more for this than I have for any other fight.”

At next week’s Ultimate Fight Night in Nashville Browning takes on former TUF contestant Cole Miller, who has vowed to “expose” and “smash” him.  You’d think that kind of language would get a reaction out of the volatile kid from Kentucky we saw on TUF, but oddly, you’d be wrong.

(Via RawVegas.tv)

Well, this is far less awkward than Wanderlei Silva’s advertisement/guided tour of his own gym, because this time around we have a native English speaker to help us make sense of what the hell’s happening.  Dave Farra is also crafty enough to use the tour of the facility as a ruse to ask Silva the hard questions, like, does he think GSP cheated?  ("He dominate the fight, he don’t need this, no?")  Does he want another shot at “Rampage” Jackson?  ("Of course.")  ‘Sup with the playground?  ("The kids need to have fun too, you know?")

I’m satisfied with those answers.  Although I am surprised to hear that Silva had a six-month training camp before the Jackson fight.  On one hand, that can’t be a good idea.  On the other hand, if only you could put Silva’s work ethic in B.J. Penn‘s body.

After the jump, Dana White talks more about the death of TapouT’s “Mask” and explains why the news hit Chuck Liddell especially hard.

(Props: Spike.com. Click the image to see the video.) 

Spike TV has released a new preview clip for The Ultimate Fighter: United States vs. United Kingdom (premiering April 1st at 10 p.m. ET/PT), in which UFC prez Dana White arrives at Wolfslair to check out the British hopefuls during the elimination round. We learn that before their fight at UFC 93, Rich Franklin and Dan Henderson both had to fly to England to assess the talent, just in case, and we get a taste of the first indecipherable British accent when Gary Kelly pronounces "my record" as "me lachoad." Unsurprisingly, Gary is the brother of Paul Kelly, who has already become infamous for his post-fight interviews. Where the hell are these two from, anyway? Mushmouth-upon-Tyne?

#8: Neil Grove vs. James Thompson @ Cage Rage 22 (7/14/07), 10 seconds

Three years after his embarrassing 11-second destruction at the hands of Fedor’s younger brother, James Thompson managed to shave one second off of his personal getting-knocked-out record during this Cage Rage match against 2-0 rookie Neil Grove. Following a very brief feeling-out process, Grove starts swinging his big meathooks around until one of them connects squarely on Thompson’s glass chin, sending the Colossus facedown onto the mat for a lil’ nap. The announcer immediately calls the stoppage “UN-BA-LAY-VA-BOWL,” but honestly, what did you expect to see in a fight between two British heavyweights — a flying gogoplata?

CLICK HERE FOR THE VIDEO…

(Go ahead.  Tell Chuck you forgot to order the ice cream cake for his birthday party.  I’m sure he’ll understand.)

As Chuck Liddell prepares to try and prove to Dana White and the rest of the MMA world that he still belongs in the UFC, some recent comments seem to suggest that he maybe he has suffered serious head trauma after all.  Regarding his goal to take back the UFC light heavyweight strap, Liddell told Fighters Only:

“I don’t plan on letting [Rashad Evans] stay champ for long. I thought I was winning that fight. I made a mistake, got caught and dropped. I was winning the fight up until then.  People ask me about retiring after that fight. It wasn’t like I got my ass kicked and then got knocked out. I was winning the fight, got sloppy for a second and got caught. I made a mistake.”

[Sigh]  I can’t help but feel like he’s using the old ‘got caught’ explanation as a crutch here.  Yes, he got caught in the sense that he left himself wide open and was absolutely hammered by a right hand from Evans.  But he wasn’t really winning the fight up until then.  He wasn’t losing, either.  The fight was fairly even with little significant action.  And then he got knocked out.

(Riggs shows off his green "Diesel" tattoo, otherwise known as the call for eco-friendly transportation solutions that was a little ahead of its time.)

When Strikeforce decided to call off a bout between Jake Shields and Joe Riggs in favor of matching Shields up with Robbie Lawler, we were pretty pleased with the change.  Joe Riggs is not.  Not only does he seem to feel that he’s missing out on an opportunity to “expose” Shields and get himself back in the top ten, he tells Ariel Helwani at Versus.com that he’s also being straight-up dissed by Shields, and he is maaaaad.  As in, like, Dana White when you ask him about Affliction mad.  Check it:

“(Expletive) Jake Shields’ (expletive) (expletive),” Riggs said. “I have done enough in this sport to be (expletive) treated with a certain amount of respect, and to talk about me like I am a (expletive) Pat Smith or Tank Abbott…For one, I am like six years younger than that punk (expletive) (expletive). So, (expletive) him. People forget that I am (expletive) 25 [Ed. note: Really?  Just 25?  He’s right, I totally did forget that.  Is he sure he's not at least 32?]. (Expletive) that guy. I would really, really fight Jake Shields for free just to shut his mouth up.”

(Props: MMA Mania)

In part one of a new video feature from the WEC, bantamweight king Miguel Torres gives us a look at his fight preparation, his family (including his father, the true originator of the Torres Mexi-Mullet), and the sacrifices he makes to guide the next generation of martial artists. Torres will make his next belt defense at WEC 40 (April 5th, Chicago), where he’ll be welcoming Shooto/GCM standout Takeya Mizugaki to the U.S.

Below: On a recent episode of Sports Science, Fedor Emelianenko out-choked a python, then choked-out the show’s host. ("You’ll be okay, don’t worry," says Fedor, trying in vain to console the human test dummy.) It’s an interesting look at the mechanincs behind how fighters get choked out, and how little effort it really takes to make that happen. For the beginning of Fedor’s segment click here. Sorry for the video quality; please turn up your sound.

(Props: TheGarv)

After a sort of pathetic whopping 550 votes were cast by CP readers in our latest caption contest, we’re calling an end to the action at 2:38 p.m. of 3/25. The lucky winners, who are all receiving subscriptions to either the U.S. or Canadian versions of Fighters Only magazine, are as follows:

1st place, with 35% of the vote — Batman: After Fedor’s circumcision, the Russian Team celebrates because they now have enough meat to eat for a year.

2nd place, with 21% of the vote — philaxler: Fedor returning from his glorious arm bar victory over God.

3rd place, with 13% of the vote — SiDeBuRnZ: In mother Russia, sky go youdiving.

4th place, with 11% of the vote — mayhem420: 3 cheers for Emelianenko!?
Hep hep hooray?
hep hep hooray
?hep …..oh sorry that’s the other Emelianenko!

5th place, squeaking by with 7% of the vote — danomite: Everyone was happy til someone told Fedor that Nicoli forgot the ice cream. A mass funeral service will be held tomorrow at 2 pm.

If you’re one of the Big Five, send your name and address to feedback@cagepotato.com and we’ll get you hooked up; though be patient, because it’ll take a while for your first issue to arrive. And Batman, we’ll also send you a CP t-shirt for being so awesome, if you don’t have one already. Sound good? Man, I love it when a plan comes together.

#10: Shinya Aoki’s Flying Guard Pull/Japanese Backpack

(Aoki vs. Cavalcante and Moore, respectively.)

When you fight Aoki you know he wants to get things to the ground, and he knows that you know it.  Takedowns and sweeps can be hard to come by against an opponent looking to defend them and almost nothing else, so Aoki has had to find other , more creative ways of getting the fight where he wants it, even getting thrown and briefly mounted from time to time.  One of our favorite maneuvers is his flying guard pull.  It may look silly, but more often than not you’re coming down with him and playing the ground game.  If you defend that, he can always jump on you from behind like a kitschy Japanese backpack.  Think "Hello Kitty," only way more dangerous. 

#9: Matt Hughes‘ Slam

(Hughes KO slams Newton at the 1-minute mark, Frank Trigg gets his at 3:20.)

When wrestlers first emerged as a dominant force in MMA they faced an obvious problem: nothing in their background had prepared them to finish fights.  In the UFC, pinning dudes will just get you boos and a call for action from Big John, so you’d better come up with something else.  Matt Hughes did, and that something was his farmboy slam.  He knocked Carlos Newton out with it at UFC 34, and used it as a staple in his game for years.  Even if it was rarely as effective in ending fights as it was against Newton, it still looked cool when he walked across the cage with an opponent on his shoulder like a sack of flour, and it sure got the fans fired up, like it did in Hughes’ dramatic comeback victory against Frank Trigg at UFC 52.

Watch Steve Cofield’s video interview with Brandon Vera and see if you aren’t suddenly glad that “The Truth’s” formerly-overpaid ass is sticking around in the UFC.  The best part is when he addresses Matt Hamill’s post-fight celebration after knocking out Vera’s friend and training partner, Mark Munoz, at UFC 96.  Hamill caught some flack for acting like he just made a half-court shot worth a million bucks during halftime at a Laker game, when all the while his opponent was still crumpled in a motionless heap against the cage.

As Vera explains at the 3:30 mark, winning a fight in the UFC (particularly by bonus-worthy KO) is actually a lot like winning the lottery:

(Matt Brown proves that there’s no brotherhood among men with shoulder tattoos. Photo courtesy of UFC.com.)

Matt Brown‘s dominant TKO win over Pete Sell at UFC 96 may have been tainted by some horrendous reffing, but the UFC is making it up to him with a solid step up in competition. Multiple sources are reporting that "The Immortal" will make his next appearance at the Ultimate Fighter: U.S. vs. U.K. finale show (June 20th, Las Vegas), where he’ll be taking on rising welterweight star Anthony "Rumble" Johnson.

Though Brown entered the UFC last year (via Team Forrest) with a shaky pro record of 6-6, he’s since built up a 3-1 record in the Octagon, with stoppage victories over Matt Arroyo, Ryan Thomas, and Sell. Johnson, who most recently beat Luigi Fioravanti into unemployment at last month’s UFC Fight Night 17, has a 4-2 UFC record and was responsible for two of last year’s greatest knockouts. As of now, the rumored card for the TUF 9 finale looks like this:

MAIN CARD
Diego Sanchez vs. Clay Guida
Welterweight TUF finalist vs. welterweight TUF finalist (TBA)
Lightweight TUF finalist vs. lightweight TUF finalist (TBA)
Nate Diaz vs. Joe Stevenson
Anthony Johnson vs. Matt Brown

#9: Aleksander Emelianenko vs. James Thompson @ PRIDE 28 (10/31/04), 11 seconds

Beginning with one of the greatest face-offs in MMA history — which pitted Thompson’s theatrical fury against Aleks’s nose-picking stoicism — it was clear that this fight was going to provide an entertaining clash of styles. Thompson’s ridiculous “gong-and-dash” routine actually succeeds in catching Emelianenko off-guard, but as soon as the Grim Reaper springs back to his feet, reality sets in. Thompson proceeds to eat punch after punch until his legs give out, thus proving a very important lesson: It doesn’t matter how big you are, or how angry you look — real power comes from having tons of Russian prison tattoos.

CLICK HERE FOR THE VIDEO…

(And you thought his career had already suffered every possible indignity.)

I never thought I’d type this sentence, but thank God for the state of New Jersey’s common sense.  The New Jersey Athletic Control Board is refusing to allow the ill-conceived Tim Sylvia/Ray Mercer boxing match to take place on the Adrenaline III card in Atlantic City on May 30.  Commissioner Nick Lembo wouldn’t say why he was denying the bout.  But we already know why, don’t we?

This is one of those rare instances where a government agency steps in to stop an incredibly dumb idea and we all end up thanking them for it.  Like when the FDA put an end to Crystal Pepsi (at least that’s how I remember it going down).  There’s no reason for formerly-serious MMA fighter Tim Sylvia to make his pro boxing debut against former boxing champ Ray Mercer, just like there’s no reason to make Pepsi clear.  (Note: whoa, now that I think about it, this might be the most perfect analogy I’ve ever made.  Tim Sylvia/Ray Mercer really is to combat sports as Crystal Pepsi was to the soft drink industry.)

The downside is that a capitalist go-getter like Monte Cox probably isn’t going to be deterred by an athletic commission telling him that a fight is too stupid to be sanctioned.  Instead he’ll likely save it for another event in a place where the commission isn’t so picky about letting ex-champs box guys with zero pro boxing experience.  Might I suggest the city of Japan?

(Guess who’s not impressed by Franky Van Hove.)

Kyle Maynard – the former collegiate wrestler/congenital amputee with no arms past the elbow and no legs past the knee – will soon make his amateur MMA debut.  If the name sounds familiar it’s because Maynard’s almost ridiculously inspirational story of overcoming his disability and wrestling at the University of Georgia has spread far and wide by now, and he even won an ESPY award in 2004 for “Best Athlete With A Disability.”

Now he trains at the Hardcore Gym in Athens, Georgia and has been saying for the past couple of years that he wants to get into MMA, but was denied a license to fight in Georgia.  Apparently he faced no such issue in Alabama, because he’ll be competing at Auburn Fight Night on April 25.

(Okay, so this photo of Bobby might be a little re-touched. Props: TheWrestlingFan.com.)

MMA Junkie has obtained the official payouts from Saturday’s "March Badness" MMA/boxing card in Pensacola, Florida, and it looks like Roy Jones Jr. did alright by his fighters, paying out living wages (for the most part) while still leaving open the possibility that he turned a profit. The numbers are below, if you’re interested…

MMA SALARIES

Jeff Monson: $25,000 (win bonus was $10,000)
def. Roy Nelson: $30,000

Bobby Lashley: $40,000 (win bonus was $10,000; he also received an undisclosed cut of the PPV revenue)
def. Jason Guida: $15,000

Din Thomas: $10,000 (no win bonus)
def. Gabe Lemley: $5,500

Dennis Hallman: $6,000 (win bonus was $3,000)
def. Danny Ruiz: $2,000

James Freeman: $600 (win bonus was $300)
def. John Mowry: $300

BOXING SALARIES

(Props: MMA Mania)

Lots to point your eyeballs at today. First, there’s the above extended trailer for the UFC’s next pay-per-view event, #97 in Montreal on April 18th. The theme, of course, is "Redemption" — Anderson Silva wants to make up for his unsatisfying last performance against Patrick Cote, while Mauricio Rua and Chuck Liddell battle to regain their relevence. The best moment comes at the 4:41 mark, where Thales Leites says "He has to kill me, you know, or I will take this belt," and Silva gives the camera a look that says it all: Which do you think is more likely to happen?

Below: The best MMA-related video remix we’ve seen all year. In this take on the much-parodied "Hitler blowup" scene from Downfall, Adolf’s underlings have to explain to him why Fedor Emelianenko won’t be fighting in the UFC. It doesn’t go well.

(Props: "Card" on the UG)

After the jump: Bruce Buffer hints that an unprecedented 360-degree Buffer Turn could be in our future, and Rashad Evans discusses his transition to movie-fighting on the set of Death Warrior.

On April 1 Ryan Bader makes his first UFC appearance since knocking out Vinny Magalhaes to win the last season of “The Ultimate Fighter.”  The former Arizona State wrestling standout now has to live up to his billing with a victory in his first post-TUF bout against experienced vet Carmelo Marrero.  But as Bader told us in our exclusive talk with him, he’s aware that winning is necessary, though it isn’t enough by itself.  He also has to entertain, and therein lies a difficult conflict for a wrestler trying to dazzle knockout-happy crowds.

CagePotato.com: Thanks for talking with us, Ryan.  Now that you’re the TUF winner and getting ready to start your UFC career, is it how you though it would be when you first started on the show?

I went into the show and set high goals for myself.  My goal was to make it to the finale.  That was as far as I thought.  Then I did that and there was six months until the finale, and obviously my goal was to win the whole show.  But I set little goals for myself and accomplished them one at a time, and then set bigger goals.  After I won the show, my goal became to keep winning the fights in front of me, and that’s where I am now.  Eventually my goal is to have the belt.  I don’t want to be just another fighter.  I want that belt.  I know it’s going to take a long time.  I need to grow as a fighter and that’s all a long way off, so my immediate goal is to win each fight and chip away at the division.

I read recently where you said you thought too many wrestlers were taking unnecessary risks to win fights in exciting fashion.  When you fight, do you struggle with trying to be exciting and also not taking too many chances?

(Wild Bill Hickok is inconsolable upon hearing the news.)

If you’re sick of seeing nearly every fighter in the UFC coming down to the Octagon covered in Full Tilt Poker logos, we’ve got some good news for you.  The UFC sent out an email to managers yesterday informing them that Full Tilt Poker would not be allowed as a sponsor at UFC events “until further notice.”

So what did Full Tilt do to draw this ire?  Did they maybe steal some shelf space in Wal-Mart or (please God let this be the explanation) decide to start their own MMA organization – Full Tilt Xtreme Combat – where they put all their eggs in the War Machine basket?  Sadly, it doesn’t seem to be anything so fun.

Rumor has it that Full Tilt might have been nixed in favor of a competing sponsor, Ultimate Bet, which runs Absolute Poker (you following any of this?).  This is still unconfirmed, and if true it might be problematic since Ultimate Bet was apparently involved in some huge cheating scandal.

It seems more likely that the pressure to remove Full Tilt as a sponsor was coming from Spike TV, who put a kibosh on Full Tilt signage at UFC 95 and likely didn’t feel any more inclined to allow them at next week’s Fight Night.  Too bad, since they were one of the highest-paying fighter sponsors the UFC had.  Looks like it’s time for some managers to swallow their pride and make a call to Condom Depot.

#10: Luiz Azeredo vs. Naoyuki Kotani @ PRIDE Bushido 9 (9/25/05), 11 seconds

The unspoken first rule of Chute Boxe seems to be, “When you’ve got a guy hurt, hurt him worse.” Representing the notoriously aggressive Brazilian camp at PRIDE’s 2005 lightweight tournament was Luiz “The Joker” Azeredo, who may as well have taken a baseball bat to the ring with him during his quarterfinal match against Naoyuki Kotani. Azeredo wastes no time in dazing the Japanese fighter with a dead-on right straight, then place-kicks Kotani’s melon like he’s aiming for a set of goalposts 40 yards downfield. The knees to the head that came directly after might have been a bit unnecessary, but the Joker was too consumed by bloodlust at that point to stop. Despite his intimidating opening-round performance, Azeredo went on to lose a decision to Takanori Gomi later that night. As for Kotani, he has finally regained the use of his lower body, though he still pronounces his “th”s as “f”s.

CLICK HERE FOR THE VIDEO…

After sifting through the entries to our latest caption contest, we’ve chosen eight finalists. Check ‘em out below, and use the poll on the right (scroll down a bit) to pick your favorite — the five people with the most votes will all score subscriptions to either the U.S. or Canadian versions of Fighters Only magazine; the other three are losers and will get nothing. (Okay, maybe we’ll send ‘em a t-shirt.) Results will be announced tomorrow. Thanks to everyone who entered!

***

Batman: After Fedor’s circumcision, the Russian Team celebrates because they now have enough meat to eat for a year.
[Ed. note: This has to be the front-runner for first-place, considering all the love it was getting by other commenters.]

SiDeBuRnZ: In mother Russia, sky go youdiving.
[Ed. note: Yakov Smirnoff would be proud.]

danomite: Everyone was happy til someone told Fedor that Nicoli forgot the ice cream. A mass funeral service will be held tomorrow at 2 pm.

philaxler: Fedor returning from his glorious arm bar victory over God.

MitchBanks: "Light as a Fedor, stiff as a board."
[Ed. note:We were surprised at how many of you made reference to that girls' slumber-party game, but whatever.]

mayhem420: 3 cheers for Emelianenko!?
Hep hep hooray?
hep hep hooray
?hep …..oh sorry that’s the other Emelianenko!

Michael W.:
"Finally, Jerry Millen‘s lips are off of my ass"

El Famous Burrito:
? Believe it or not,? I’m walking on air. ?I never thought I could feel so free. ?
? With two ice cream cones and a really gay sweater.? Who could it be?? Believe it or not it’s just me. ?
[Ed. note: Great attention to detail, Burrito. Those musical notes really sell it.]

(Just tell me you didn’t kiss him.)

Lyoto Machida recently talked with Brazilian website/magazine Tatame about his training and preparation for his title fight against Rashad Evans at UFC 98, and he decided to disclose a secret that he probably should have just kept to himself: “The Dragon” drinks his own urine.  Every day. 

Even worse, he learned it from his father:

“My father does that for a long time and bring it to us. People think it’s a joke (laughs). I never said it in the United States because I don’t know how the fans will react (laughs). I drink my urine every morning like a natural medicine.”

We’ll soon find out how American fans will react.  My guess is they’ll scrunch up their faces and say, with one loud, clear voice, ‘You nasty, Lyoto!’

(Mayhem discusses his opus with the KTLA morning news jackasses.)

I want to hate Jason "Mayhem" Miller’s “Bully Beatdown.”  I really do.  Not only is it an incredibly stupid idea that bastardizes and trivializes MMA and bullying (both of which are close to my heart), it also features Mayhem acting the fool for MTV.  And yet, after watching episode one (which doesn’t work when I embed it for some reason), I was actually somewhat entertained.  

Miller brings in Tony “The Gun” Bonello (who was bullied pretty bad by “Ninja” Rua in his last outing) to rough up a guy who’s been bullying his older brother while also paradoxically sporting a tattoo that reads “Family First.”  What follows isn’t even close to MMA (one round of grappling followed by one round of kickboxing is obviously some bullshit), but it is oddly satisfying in the way that seeing a bully get bullied always is.  Think of it as "Pros vs. Joes" with more personal acrimony and less time wasted on soccer and swimming and other nonsense.

After the jump, something only kind of related to MMA, but close enough.

(Satoru Kitaoka finishes Takanori Gomi at "Sengoku no Ran 2009" in January. I’m not sure feet are supposed to bend that way.)

Before he rose to international fame as PRIDE’s most dominant lightweight, Takanori Gomi was a local hero in Japan’s Shooto league, where he reigned as the 154-pound champ from December 2001 to August 2003. Now, after two upset losses to Sergey Golyaev and Satoru Kitaoka in Sengoku, the Fireball Kid is heading back to his roots. Writes Japan MMA:

As we learned recently, Gomi’s head hasn’t been in the game for a while, so maybe a stint on a smaller, familiar stage will help him find his confidence  and regain his competitive spark. Of course, the fight with Nakakura is a must-win for Gomi’s career, and the current Shooto champ is no pushover. Can Gomi get his balls back, or will he join the ever-growing club of former PRIDE legends whose skills have mysteriously evaporated? (President: Wanderlei Silva / Treasurer: Mirko Cro Cop) Nakakura’s last fight, a rear-naked choke victory over Bendy Casimir, is after the jump.

I was watching this clip from "UFC 2009: Undisputed" and getting excited about how realistic the gameplay footage looks (except for Edith’s breasts, which, let’s be honest, don’t move anywhere near that much), and then Nate Diaz submitted B.J. Penn in the first round and the illusion was shattered.  

Okay, so it’s just a game.  And just like I’ll never steal any cars in real life (though I might ‘borrow’ it just to make a beer run), Nate Diaz will never take B.J. Penn’s back and choke him out with his feet crossed in front of him within two minutes.  It’s a fun little fiction, though.

If you look closely during the gameplay clip, you probably noticed two things: 1) Nick Diaz is not mean-mugging it up in his brother’s corner, and this is a real shame, and 2) there are no shortage of advertisements plastered all over the Octagon.  TapouT, MMA Warehouse, Harley-Davidson, Xyience, etc.  All the UFC’s closest friends get some play in “Undisputed,” and as the guys from MMA Payout have noted, this is worth a little something.  They cite an AdWeek report that estimates in-game advertising will be a $2 billion-a-year business by 2010.  

Since the UFC is making fighters sign over the rights to their video game images in perpetuity or else face the wrath, that’s money that will be going straight into the UFC coffers.  They won’t even have to offer the fighters a split of it when they make a new game in 2011 that brings in even more ad revenue and features Junie Browning going up in weight to knock Georges St. Pierre out cold in thirty seconds.

Tito Ortiz was in Vicksburg, Mississippi talking with 8CountNews.com in this video interview, and it sounds like he’s changed his mind about fighting for Affliction, which is probably a good idea, considering their future plans.  Now Ortiz says he’s “going to pass” on an Affliction contract in the hopes that he can sign with Strikeforce to fight on CBS or Showtime, assuming they’re amenable to his famously ridiculous contract demands.

Honestly, is anyone out there really dying to see Ortiz back in action?  He has some name value and can still hype a fight with the best of them, but to hear him talk sometimes you’d think the whole MMA world was eagerly awaiting his return, as if he’s still a top-ten fighter and not someone who just got bounced out of the UFC.  Though to hear him talk you’d also think he did a good job commentating at the last Affliction show, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.  

After the jump, a little taste of what you can expect from the coaches in the next “Ultimate Fighter” season.