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15 Moments of Instant Regret [GIFs]

March, 2009

Famous Last Words: Jason Guida Edition

Jason Guida MMA Bobby Lashley 
"MMA is new to Bobby. I don’t have anything against him. Someday he could be good for MMA. I welcome him, after I beat him, to work at our club (Hellhouse) to learn how to fight. Lashley’s going to find out that this is MMA not WWE. He’s in for a rude awakening, which probably will be a good thing — he’ll be fighting a real MMA guy…This is for real. How long have you been faking? How long in the WWE? How long has it been since somebody hit you on the chin for real?"

Jason Guida, quoted at yesterday’s "March Badness" press conference. The 17-19 fighter hopes to snap a three-fight losing streak against former WWE star Bobby Lashley (1-0) this Saturday night in Pensacola, Florida. The fact that Lashley is a jacked 250-pounder and Guida is a pudgy light-heavyweight doesn’t seem to bother him, but oh man is this going to be a massacre. Our only hope is that Guida has a chance to do his "disappearing mouthpiece" trick during the fight. Always a crowd-pleaser…

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Caption Contest: Win a Subcription to Fighters Only! [UPDATED]

Lorenzo Fertitta Fighters Only magazine MMA
Georges St. Pierre GSP MMA UFC Fighters Only magazine
(The launch issues for the new U.S. and Canadian versions of Fighters Only, available on newsstands now.)

Heads up, Potato Nation. Fighters Only, the world’s longest-running MMA and lifestyle magazine, has finally invaded North America with new editions for the U.S. and Canada. Previously only available on import, subscriptions to the U.S. and Canadian versions of the magazine are now available, and we’re giving you lucky people the chance to win one. All you have to do is come up with a clever caption for the photo after the jump [updated, 10:13 a.m. ET: We had to switch the photo; sorry for wasting your brilliance], and post it in the comments section below. The best five captions will win subscriptions to the Fighters Only edition of their choice. Feel free to enter multiple times, but be sure to get in your captions by Monday night at midnight ET. Good luck!

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Quick Hits: Baby Names, Weight Class Jumps, Opinionated Rants, + More


(Welcome to the world, Jameson twins.  You’re screwed.)

Tito Ortiz and Jenna Jameson have put the unfathomable power of their two super-brains to work and come up with names for their newborn twins: Jesse and Journey Jett. 

You know, considering who their parents are, I’d say these kids got off pretty easy.  Although it is a bit of a screw-job to give one kid a normal name and then name the other after a band that won’t even be ironically cool anymore by the time they’re in junior high.  But hey, as long as they’re both carrying around the illustrious Jameson surname neither one of them is going to be lacking in emotional baggage.

In other news…

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Is Affliction Going Kamikaze to Screw with UFC 100?


(Whaddaya say, Baby Face, feel like taking a pay cut and burning some bridges?)

According to FiveOuncesofPain, Affliction is looking at holding their third event on July 11, 2009.  If you’re thinking that this date sounds familiar for some reason, congratulations, you are an astute observer!  Yeah, July 11 is when UFC 100 is.  And it’s kind of a big deal to the UFC.  So why would Affliction guarantee that their event gets counter-programmed by scheduling it on the same night as one of the biggest UFC cards ever?  Possibly because they know they’re done and want to hurt the UFC however they can on the way out.

That’s what Sam Caplan thinks, anyway.  According to his report Affliction is offering “restructured” contracts to their fighters (read: asking them to fight cheap) in the hopes of lowering overhead costs and getting the event on network TV or basic cable.  They know that no pay-per-view distributor wants to go head to head with the UFC, but if they can offer their show up for free they figure it might hurt the UFC’s PPV buys just a little, and what the hell, Affliction isn’t looking to promote any events after this one anyway.

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Heads-Up: Sengoku ‘Seventh Battle’ Kicks Off Late Thursday Night


("The Year of the Mo: Part One," courtesy of Esther Lin.)

With no UFC event scheduled until April 1st’s UFC Fight Night: Condit vs. Kampmann, the MMA world feels like a bit of a wasteland lately. But if you get HDNet in your cable package, you’re in for a treat. Sengoku: Seventh Battle goes down Friday at the Yoyogi National Gymnasium in Tokyo, and will be broadcast live on HDNet beginning at 3 a.m. ET/midnight PT. (So, late Thursday night, in other words.) A replay is scheduled for Friday night at 10 p.m. ET/7 p.m. PT, in case you forget to set your DVR, or you’re too poor to afford one or something.

Sengoku 7 features the first round of the league’s featherweight grand prix — which includes #7-ranked featherweight Hatsu Hioki, undefeated Nova Uniao prospect Marlon Sandro, UFC vet Michihiro Omigawa, and former Shooto champ Hideki Kadowaki — as well as a headlining light-heavyweight scrap between King Mo and Pancrase vet Ryo Kawamura, and James Thompson‘s latest attempt to participate in a fight that doesn’t turn into an utter fiasco. The official bout order is after the jump, courtesy of Nightmare of Battle. Will any of the gaijins fail as hard as David Gardner did at the last DREAM show? Tune in to find out!

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Must-See: Franky Van Hove, the One-Legged MMA Fighter

Our buddy Robert at FreeFightVideos sent us these strange clips with this note: "This is as far as I know the first physically handicapped MMA fighter. His name is Franky Van Hove. His nickname is "The submission King" and he hails from Holland." Damn. Mad respect for trying? We can’t find a pro record for Van Hove, but apparently he’s also a competitive grappler, where he’s had a little more success. You can watch him choke out a couple of opponents here and here.

Previously: Sign of the Apocalypse #631: Dwarf Cage Fighting

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Bummer Alert: Charles ‘Mask’ Lewis’s Last Night on Earth

Charles Lewis Mask Tapout tribute shrine MMA
(Photo courtesy of Sherdog.)

In a new tribute/report titled "The Man That Was ‘Mask’," Sherdog adds some backstory to the tragic death of TapouT founder Charles Lewis Jr. As it turns out, Lewis was as sober as Jeffrey Kirby was drunk, and the street-racing theory is probably off-base as well. Here’s what we know now:

[Lewis] was on his way home from the gym with his girlfriend Lacey at 1 a.m., the only time he could fit working out into a hectic schedule. Lewis took pride in his deceiving physique, and many questioned if he was really 45 years old, even after officials confirmed it.
 
That night, Lewis and Lacey had decided to drive by a condominium apartment they had been looking into purchasing over the next few days. It is believed Lewis’ fire-engine red Ferrari occupied the middle lane when Jeffery Kirby and his companion came up along the left side in a white 1977 Porsche. At the scene, black skid marks snake up onto the median’s curb right as the road bends slightly, then drag for 500 or more feet across the three lanes. They indicate Kirby’s car bounced off the road’s island divider before t-boning into Lewis’ vehicle’s backend, sending the Ferrari into a 180-degree spin. The car traveled backwards before the driver’s side wailed directly into a cement light pole, slicing it into two parts.
 
It was the first time in a few months that Lewis had had the opportunity to enjoy the luxury ride he’d purchased over a year ago. The car had slept at a friend’s showroom until Lewis had been asked to bring it to a photo shoot that day for Dub magazine. High speeds didn’t seem unfathomable under the circumstances, though friends said they couldn’t see Lewis engaging in a dangerous street race for superiority. Lewis didn’t know Kirby, nor was Lewis believed to be drinking at the time. Lewis never touched alcohol, as many will attest.

A criminal trial for Kirby is tentatively scheduled for next month.

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Bet on Dong Hyun Kim at UFC 94? You’re Still Screwed


(You guys know this thing doesn’t even count, right?)

When the Nevada State Athletic Commission ruled yesterday to change Karo Parisyan’s decision win over Dong Hyun Kim at UFC 94 into a “no decision” on account of the various painkillers running through Parisyan’s veins at the time of the fight, I wondered the same thing I always wonder: how does this affect me?

As you may recall, I put a bet down on Kim when I was going crazy in Vegas the day before UFC 94.  I lost and was forced to dance for nickels under a bridge just to get enough money to make it home.  But with the bout result changed, did the MGM Grand now owe me my money back?  Were they also on the hook for the price of the tetanus shot I had to get when I got home (those nickels aren’t clean, no matter what anyone tells you)?  

I didn’t know, so I called the MGM Grand.  Turns out, they didn’t really know either.  After a lengthy back and forth, they gave up and told me to call the sportsbook at the Mirage, whose policies the MGM Grand follows on this sort of thing.  So I did.  I called the Mirage and got transferred around a bunch.  I got told several different times that the sportsbook didn’t take calls, but my question confused enough people, and eventually they put me through to the sportsbook, where my hopes were immediately shot down.

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Dean Lister Proves You Can Go Home Again


(Worst Affliction t-shirt ever?  Or best Slash t-shirt ever?)

Following his dismal performance at UFC 92 and subsequent release from the UFC (at his request, which is like telling your boss you quit immediately after he’s discovered that you’ve been stealing), Dean Lister is headed back where he belongs: grappling tournaments.  Lister will be back at the Abu Dhabi’s and word has it that he’s angling for a move up in weight to take on Fedor Emelianenko, who’s expected to enter this year.

On one hand, it’s good to see Lister back in his element.  As great a submissions fighter as he is, he’s not much of an MMA fighter at this point.  He tried to pull guard on Yushin Okami for three rounds and got a chorus of boos for his trouble.  He then apologized to his fans while reminding us that he could kick all of our asses, just in case you were in any danger of feeling sympathy for him.

But Lister is a middleweight.  Fedor is a heavyweight.  Even if he weren’t also one of the best fighters on the planet, the weight difference is already a huge advantage.  But would it be pretty awesome to see Fedor in a pure grappling match against one of America’s best pure grapplers?  It would.  He tapped out his brother with no problem, but "The Boogeyman" has a significantly better grappling resume.  He is also free of blood-borne diseases (sorry, had to do it).

Regardless, a Fedor/Lister grappling match has the potential to get even the more casual MMA viewers slightly interested in the Abu Dhabi’s.  And that’s without the brutal violence of MMA, Bob Reilly.  What now?

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Aleksander Emelianenko Ponders UFC Offer, New Tattoo

Aleksander Emelianenko UFC MMA
(He thought wearing the t-shirt would bring him joy, but still he felt a profound melancholy. Props: FiveOuncesofPain)

MMA Cube passes along a translation of a recent blog post by Aleksander Emelianenko, in which the ex-Red Devil fighter talks about his plans for the future, while denying rumors of his criminal history and health issues. No surprises there, really. Though this part was kind of interesting:

I can already say where I’m getting offers to continue my career — from Holland’s Golden Glory, Japan’s DREAM, president of the UFC Dana White wants me to fight for them. All the contracts offered are long term, so I have not made up my mind yet where I will compete.

UFC, huh? Of course Aleksander would have to complete his three-fight U.S.-exclusive contract with Affliction first, and he’s fulfilled zero of those three fights so far. But you have to believe that Dana White would want to sign Aleks to the UFC as a thumb in the eye to his brother Fedor. Oh! Delicious! By the way, not to beat a dead horse, but Aleks could totally compete in America if it came down to it:

I did not get in on the first Affliction show because there were some problems with documents. I flew in, and passed the medical commission. Everything was fine. Then they tell me that I flew in too late and cannot compete. And before the second event, I injured my hand. I sensed that I would not be able to compete at full strength and asked them myself not to schedule the fight. I’m hoping to compete on the third Affliction show this summer in America.
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