(Bad news.  That check you’ve been waiting on for three years now?  There’s a chance it’s not really "in the mail" like they said.)

As many of you probably overheard during brief moments of consciousness on the floor of your favorite bar, yesterday was April 15, also known as Tax Day in America.  It’s when we all file our taxes and then complain about having to do so, as if it doesn’t happen every single year.  But what happens if you don’t file your taxes? Sometimes nothing.  Sometimes, as in the case of Xyience founder Russell Pike, a lot of really bad stuff.

You might remember Pike as the guy responsible for the failed Xyience empire.  He’s the fraud/mastermind that a bunch of former Xyience shareholders want to murder and a lot of unpaid UFC fighters want to kick in the face.  According to an indictment filed yesterday in Las Vegas, he made “in excess of” $6.9 million in 2006 and did not file an income tax return.  Like, at all.  The cajones on that guy, am I right?

(Nick Diaz: His style is impetuous, his defense is impregnable.)

When Nick Diaz says he’ll fight anybody, anywhere, at any time, he ain’t bullshittin’. Buried in GracieFighter.com’s news section is this little gem about Diaz’s future ambitions (props to BloodyElbow for the tip):

To which RJJ probably responded, "Nick who?" Okay, so it may not quite be the marquee fight that Jones vs. Silva would be, but it’s a pretty decent substitute. I know I’d be curious to see how Nick’s pitty-pat-punches-in-bunches routine would fare against a great boxer (he’s already 1-0 in the sport), and he’s a natural at fight-promotion. Why let Tim Sylvia and Ray Mercer hog all the crossover fun? Don’t be scared, Jonesy!

GracieFighter also had another update on their site that should calm some of the outrage caused by yesterday’s official Strikeforce payouts post:

(Not pictured: A plate of fish n’ chips n’ skulls.)

…in which Mr. Defranco moves into the house, meets Junie Rob, and continues to establish himself as a highly creative nickname-giver. Check out Santino’s gym at www.southwestmma.com.

***

Riddle me this reader: What has an insatiable need for negative attention, loves booze like dogs love chasing tails, and comes in pairs? That’s right. You’re all correct (except those from Kentucky, who still consider reading a sign of witchcraft)…It’s a Browning! Spike and the UFC got all they could ask for and more with the short-lived time Junie Jr. was on the show. What I am wondering is: Does their mother cringe at the sight of her children acting like complete donkeys on national television? Does she hope to someday be able to adopt a child from a third-world country who has some comprehension of etiquette? Who knows? What I do know is that Junie (turned younger brother Rob’s manager) encouraged him to act like an idiot. He told him to go nuts in the house and get his 15 minutes of fame. Unfortunately, Rob adhered to his brothers words of "wisdom", as you viewed on the tele.

I walked into the house after all the rest of the fighters, as I was being tended to by those medical types at the hospital after my hoofing received by the mini pony. I knew not any details of the personalities that awaited me behind the doors of the massive Ultimate Fighter house. And as I walked through the doors for the first time I was greeted by a drunk man that was slurring his words. At first acquaintance, I was unaware if he was a "limey" or an "American Eagle" as his words were nearly incomprehensible. The little fellow then proceeded to ask me, "Who are you? Are you an American? You have two choices, you can get egged or drink a beer." My response was, "That’s not even the slightest choice. Give me a beer." Then, as our stumbling friend made his way to the fridge for beer retrieval, I scurried my self out the back door and down the stairs to meet up with my other roommates.

(Miss, your fly is…uh, you know what? Forget I said anything.)

You might remember a while back when we linked to a very strange/insipid video by porn star Jayden Jaymes in which she played up all the awesome partying she did in Mexico with what appeared to be a still-engaged Chuck Liddell and Red Sox pitcher Brad Penny.  Even if you don’t remember it, it doesn’t really matter because Liddell says a) his engagement was already broken off by then due to other reasons, and b) that chick was just using “The Iceman” for cheap publicity.  Damn, it’s self-promoting porn stars like Jaymes (who can be seen on a porn-focused episode of MTV’s "True Life" asking her parents if they’re proud of her and receiving blank stares in response) who give the rest of them a bad name.

(‘And what is deal with airline food? Is no good, am I right?’)

Want to hear something totally insane and probably not true?  That was a rhetorical question.  Of course you want to hear this.  According to a Croatian newspaper article translated for us by Robert of betwwx.com, Mirko “Cro Cop” Filipovic’s next bout will be this July in an Affliction/Dream co-promotional event full of all kinds of fights that only sort of make sense.  

The article quotes Cro Cop as saying that he’d like to fight four times this year (he knows it’s already mid-April and he’s fought zero times so far this year, right?) and five times in 2010, so the credibility of this report seems strained to begin with.  But then the article declares that the “only certainty” is a Cro Cop-Alistair Overeem rematch on a July 20 Affliction/Dream co-promotion in Japan.  Also on that card, according to this report, will be Fedor Emelianenko taking on Jeff Monson and Josh Barnett facing off against Andrei Arlovski.

Whoa, let’s back up a second, Croatian newspaper.  Now who’s this Fedor guy anyway and what has he done to deserve a shot at "The Snowman"?

(Note to self: Don’t fuck with Cyborg when she’s on the rag. Photo courtesy of Sherdog.)

Just in case you’ve forgotten about the Cris Cyborg weight-fiasco at Saturday’s Strikeforce show, Josh Barnett has taken to his MySpace blog to remind you that we shouldn’t let Santos slide so easily (props to FightOpinion for the tip):

The Ultimate Fighter 9: Episode 3 Stoppages – Watch more Funny Videos
(Last night’s stoppages. See you at the TUF 9 finale, Rob.)

To quote Sgt. Hartman, it looks to me like the best part of Rob Browning ran down the crack of his momma’s ass and ended up as a stain on the mattress. My God what a useless dipshit. He’s like the dumbest redneck in the world doing a bad impression of Junie Browning. Anyway, he’s gone now, after folding like a bitch at the first sign of pressure during last night’s episode of The Ultimate Fighter: U.S. vs. U.K., meaning UFC washout Jason Dent is now a full-fledged member of Team USA. The 8th American spot went to welterweight alternate Frank Lester who benefitted from Kiel Reid’s unfortunate self-knockout.  But before all that…

Both teams arrive at the TUF house, and everyone’s fairly cool with each other at first. But when nobody steps up to be Rob Browning’s drinking buddy — his Shane Nelson, if you will — he gets all butthurt and starts launching eggs at his housemates from a balcony. Then he pisses in a shower, and promptly gets in the face of the larger Jason Pierce (a recurring theme with these Browning brothers). Rob smashes an egg on Jason’s chest, and Jason shows tremendous restraint in not ripping him about five new assholes.

Remember that awful movie starring the powerhouse acting duo of Jenna Jameson and Tito Ortiz?  Sure you do, it’s called “Zombie Strippers!” and reading the plot synopsis alone is guaranteed to lower your IQ.  But give Spike TV credit, they recognize when something is so terrible that it’s actually enjoyable (as if the fact that the movie has an exclamation point in its title isn’t a dead giveaway). 

That’s why they’re premiering the movie this Sunday night, and making absolutely no bones about how horrible it is with this press release they sent out today:

New York, NY, April 15, 2009 – Described as a combination of "Citizen Kane" meets "The Godfather" meets "A River Runs Through It," Spike TV presents the world television premiere of the sweeping epic "Zombie Strippers!" on Sunday, April 19 (10:00pm-12:00am ET/PT).

(‘You pussies better not be writing any of this down.’)

Poor Dana White.  He can’t catch a break.  After being persecuted for his choice of words in the infamous ‘Other F-Word Blog,’ he’s still being victimized by the media.  As he explained to Neil Davidson of the Canadian Press, his vitriolic response to Loretta Hunt was little more than him taking advantage of the voice granted him by the powerful forces of the information age:

"Back in 1987, if the media wrote something about you, you were screwed," he said. "You had no voice, you couldn’t say anything back. Well now with the Internet, you can. You can come back. Yeah, did I go a little over the top? Absolutely, but that’s me. I am over the top and I was so pissed off about it. …"

Exactly.  Just one more reason why 1987 sucked compared to 2009.  The difficulty in acquiring pornography without leaving the house?  That’s another reason.  White also claims that the mainstream media outlets that rarely cover the UFC but picked up this bit of salacious news “used me,” which is true in a way.  It’s also true that the UFC uses the media to tell stories, hype fights, sell tickets and pay-per-views — and none of this is anything new.

(Cheer up buddy, that’s like one viewer for every dollar you made! Photo courtesy of MMA Weekly.)

According to new viewership figures dug up by FightTicker, Showtime’s broadcast of "Strikeforce: Shamrock vs. Diaz" pulled in 364,000 average viewers on Saturday night, for an average rating of 0.64. While that may sound piss-poor, considering the UFC drew 1.9 million viewers (and an avg. rating of 1.4) for their replay of UFC 94 on Spike TV the same night, there is a silver lining.

First off, that 364,000 figure makes "Shamrock vs. Diaz" the third most-watched MMA event in Showtime history, putting it just behind Strikeforce’s "Shamrock vs. Baroni" event in June 2007 (which hangs on to its #2 spot with 365,000 viewers) and the Kimbo Slice-headlined "EliteXC: Street Certified" in February 2008 (which scored 511,000 viewers). Plus, you have to take into consideration the fact that Spike TV is available in six times as many homes as Showtime. And still, Strikeforce’s 1.53 rating among men aged 18-34 actually beat UFC 94′s rating in that category (1.3).

I’m not an expert in this stuff, but that seems like a decent starting point for Strikeforce 2.0. No, they’re not ready to throw together pay-per-view events, but they managed to make a good showing with a card headlined by a non-title fight involving one guy who was coming off a loss. The event itself was entertaining enough to hook most viewers into coming back for the next installment. Can June’s "Lawler vs. Shields" show keep the momentum rolling — or will it be a ratings disappointment without a big name like "Shamrock" to draw casual viewers?

Mike Straka with Fox News Fight Game was at yesterday’s memorial for Tapout’s Charles “Mask” Lewis at the Crystal Cathedral in Garden Grove, California.  Well-known MMA figures like Lorenzo Fertitta, Joe Rogan, and Josh Barnett all spoke about what Mask meant to the sport, and TapouT’s Dan “Punkass” Caldwell urged that he be remembered for helping people. 

Whatever you think of the facepaint (and there’s even a glimpse of a photo of Mask without it, if you’re curious), you know you’ve lived some kind of life when they hold your memorial at a place with “cathedral” in its name.  RIP, buddy.

(After he was so excited about finally meeting Kevin Federline, Chuck was extremely disappointed to find out that K-Fed had a better picture pose than he did.)

The Gambling Addiction Enabler had a somewhat rough go at Strikeforce thanks to Frank Shamrock deciding to go ahead and get old out of nowhere (okay fine, in retrospect, probably should have seen that one coming), but he managed to cut his losses by picking Scott Smith to pull off the minor upset against Benji Radach.  With underdogs proving profitable, maybe your favorite compulsive gambler will have to take a long look at some of the major ones on the UFC 97 lineup.  Maybe put down a big bet on a certain middleweight challenger who nobody thinks has a chance in hell…

Odds today come from BestFightOdds.com:

Anderson Silva (-500) vs. Thales Leites (+456)
"Shogun" Rua (+170) vs. Chuck Liddell (-172)
Brian Stann (+151) vs. Krzysztof Soszynski (-150)
Nate Quarry (+110) vs. Jason MacDonald (-110)
David Loiseau (-112) vs. Ed Herman (+110)
David Bielkheden (+240) vs. Mark Bocek (-255)
Antoni Hardonk (+275) vs. Cheick Kongo (-261)
Steve Cantwell (+265) vs. Luis Cane (-275)
Eliot Marshall (+120) vs. Vinny Magalhaes (-150)
Xavier Fouka-Pokam (+300) vs. Denis Kang (-300)
T.J. Grant (+177) vs. Ryo Chonan (-187)
Sam Stout (-125) vs. Matt Wiman (+120)

Best bets…

(Step 1: Do work. Step 2: Receive bread. Photo courtesy of this set on Sherdog.)

The California State Athletic Commission has released payout figures for Saturday’s Strikeforce event, with headliner Frank Shamrock taking home a full 58% of the $633,445 disclosed payroll. And it looks like Strikeforce had to severely underpay a few of its fighters to make up for F-Sham’s hefty purse. Also, they don’t seem to like round numbers. The salaries are below, with some thoughts after the jump…

MAIN CARD FIGHTERS
– Frank Shamrock: $369,790
– Scott Smith: $49,940 (includes $25,000 win bonus)
– Gilbert Melendez: $49,890 (no win bonus)
– Nick Diaz: $39,950 (includes $10,000 win bonus)
– Brett Rogers: $39,940 (includes $20,000 win bonus)
– Cristiane "Cyborg" Santos: $18,000 (includes $10,000 win bonus)
– Benji Radach: $16,940
– Rodrigo Damm: $9,190
– Ron "Abongo" Humphries: $3,205
– Hitomi Akano: $1,450 (doesn’t include undisclosed extra cash from 11th-hour negotiations)

PRELIMINARY CARD FIGHTERS
– Luke Rockhold: $6,000 (includes $3,000 win bonus) def. Buck Meredith $1,540
– Eric Lawson $9,950 (includes $2,000 win bonus) def. Waylon Kennell $1,950
– Raul Castillo $6,890 (includes $3,500 win bonus) def. Brandon Michaels $1,500
– James Terry $3,940 (includes $2,000 win bonus) def. Zak Bucia $1,500
– Shingo Kohara $940 (no win bonus) def. Jeremy Tavares $940

Thanks to your brilliant nominations, we’ve selected the 15 best spots in North America to watch MMA events with a drink in your hand. All of these places have been sent official CagePotato banners to hang during fight nights, so if you swing by and see one, pat yourself on the back, because you made that happen. So which watering holes made the cut? And are any of them *not* famous for their wings? Read on, Potato Nation.

***

HUMPERDINK’S
700 Six Flags Dr.; Arlington, Texas
Located about a half-mile from Rangers Ballpark and the soon-to-be-opened new Cowboys stadium, Humperdinks is revered by Dallas-area sports fanatics, and as long as the home teams aren’t playing, Dink’s is all about their cage-fighting. Besides the fact that every UFC event is shown and there’s never a cover, the restaurant’s main selling point is the 16 varieties of beer that are brewed on the premises, which you can actually buy kegs of to take home with you. We suggest pairing their Total Disorder Porter with a big hearty fight like Lesnar vs. Mir II, and the seasonal Raspberry Blonde with something lighter and more technical like Penn vs. Florian.
Our readers say: “The girls are always hot (it’s Texas, did you expect anything different?) and the bouncers are big enough to make you think twice about throwing that haymaker you saw on the show.” — kadumel

EL GUAPO CANTINA
7250 Melrose Ave.; Los Angeles, California
Laid back sports bars are something of a rarity in Hollywood, but lo and behold, there’s El Guapo Cantina right on Melrose, showing UFC fights for a modest five-dollar cover.  The place gets packed on fight nights, so getting there early is a good idea, and while you’re there you might as well eat a steak quesadilla.  They’ve also staffed their team of waitresses with aspiring actresses (it is Hollywood), which means that even if they can’t remember what you ordered they’re still easy on the eyes and can probably cry on cue.
Good to know: El Guapo features semi-regular beer pong tournaments.  Judging from the standings published on their website, they’re pretty serious about it too.  Consider yourself warned.

PUNCHERS SPORTS BAR
421 Third St.; Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Pretty much everything you need to know about Punchers you can learn from their signature drink – The Donkey Punch.  Beyond that, they’re friends of the local MMA scene and have largely designed this downtown bar for hosting fight-viewing parties.  There’s even a punching bag in the bar.  Things can get a little rowdy, but you better keep it level during the fights.  They don’t play around once that gladiator intro starts up.
Good to know: Every week they offer the Tuesday Triathlon, which is comprised of shuffleboard, pool, and the punching bag.  Winner gets a $100 bar tab.  Losers get sad.

According to Ronaldo “Jacare” Souza’s manager, they’re planning on a fight “for the title” at Dream.9 on May 26.  Nothing is confirmed yet, Jacare’s manager told Tatame, but right now it looks like it will be a rematch between Jacare and “Mayhem” Miller for Gegard Mousasi’s vacated middleweight belt.  If true that would make for a tight turnaround for Miller, who’s slated to take on Kala Hose in Hawaii at Kingdom MMA on April 18.  Call it making up for lost time.  Or maybe he’s just assuming that it won’t take much out of him to whup on Hose in front of his Hawaiian peeps.

– As we saw earlier today, Dana White’s threats to step back from the limelight might be the slightest bit hollow, but ESPN plans to actually make him talk on video when they send their E:60 crew to Montreal for a story on his recent video blog controversy.  The piece will allegedly seek to compare White to the heads of other major sports organizations, asking what would have happened to them had they gone all nasty on a female sports reporter and her anonymous sources.  We just hope E:60 has learned from their past mistakes.  If they ask him about steroids, the interview’s over.

– Spike TV sent out another ‘in your face!’ press release today to announce that Saturday night’s replay of UFC 94 was the “#1 program among Men 18-34 in all of television (cable and broadcast) during its time period.”  The replay peaked at 2.4 million viewers for the main event and averaged 1.9 million over the three-hour broadcast, which, as Spike is kind enough to point out, bested HBO’s Winky Wright/Paul Williams bout, which drew a measly 1.5 million viewers.  What you’re wondering is, did they mention how it compared to Strikeforce’s viewership?  They did not.  But they know you’re thinking about it anyway.

– Remember the rumored bout between Mark Coleman and Stephan Bonnar?  The UFC made it official for UFC 100 today, but relegated it to the “may not be broadcast” prelims.  On one hand, that’s a hell of a place to end up after such a great career (talking about Coleman, obviously. I said great career, not one great fight).  On the other hand, if there’s one UFC card where you can feel okay about being pushed to the prelims, it’s that one.

Don’t even front like you wouldn’t want to hang out at a Buffalo Wild Wings in Orlando with Matt Hughes and Matt Lindland, because you would.  There’s no better place to be this Friday night to eat some wings, drink a couple brews, and talk about the current state of the Republican party.  You could even tell Lindland and Hughes what time you woke up that morning, just so they could both assure you that they’d already been up for hours by then, getting shit done.

Hughes says on his blog that he’s running down to Florida to do this quick little promotional joint, then he has to “hurry up and come home so I can watch my buddy Chuck fight.”  Hughes’ own long-awaited grudge match with Matt Serra is just a little over a month away and he says he’s been pushing himself hard in training.  At the moment oddsmakers have him pegged as a heavy favorite at around -250, depending on the source.  That seems just a little high considering he’s coming off two straight losses, but Serra has only fought twice in the last two years, so he’s either really rested or really rusty.

After the jump, Hughes shows us what they do for fun in his neck of the woods.

We’ve already told you that Dana White will be giving the video blogs a rest after that faggot-thing blew up in his face (no homo), and now there’s this new video that basically confirms it…OR DOES IT?!? Give it a look, and get ready for the most stunning shock ending since The Happening. (Are you fucking serious? The trees did it?) Basically, Dana White is the new Lenny Bruce now, or something. It is he who is persecuted. Props for the Bob Dylan-reference, I guess.

Below: Street-gays respond to Dana White’s recent hate-speech. We had no idea Greg Jackson was gay, but there he is, on the left, at the 1:14 mark. Audio very NSFW. +1 for the cameo by the HotForWords chick @ 0:39.

(Props: RicoRado)

You’ve all heard the old joke…

"What’s the hardest thing about using Evite? Telling your dad you’re gay."

Well, you don’t have to be ashamed any longer. Our new friends at Manvite run a free online invitation service that focuses on manly pursuits like bachelor parties, poker nights, and cougar hunts. (Not this kind; this kind.) And if you go to their UFC 97 template, you’ll see that they were cool enough to stamp our logo and link on the invites. So if you were planning on organizing a viewing party at your house for this weekend, give Manvite a try and you’ll be able to fully customize your invitation and track responses. Do us all a favor and spread the word!

(Goodnight, sweet prince.)

I can’t decide what to make of Anthony Johnson’s public campaign to brand John Howard as a fight-ducking coward.  He says he’s just pissed off that Howard backed out of a fight with him, but that seems like a strange explanation.  And yet that’s what he told Versus.com when the subject of Howard’s potential bitchassness came up:

"He said it was his manager’s decision, but I think, at the end of the day, it’s really his decision. I don’t think your manager should make all your decisions, especially when you’re supposed to fight and if you are going to say, ‘yeah’ or ‘no.’ … I’m speechless about the whole thing … I’m going to eventually get to fight him and knock his teeth out. It’ll happen.  I want to beat him up just because he backed out."

It’s hard to see what Johnson really has to gain by fighting Howard, whose UFC debut saw him win a fairly boring split decision over Chris Wilson.  Meanwhile, Johnson has been racking up impressive wins against more experienced opponents like Luigi Fioravanti and Kevin Burns.

(ESPN talks redemption with "Shogun" Rua.)

While much has been made about the ‘dazzle me or hang ‘em up’ ultimatum that Dana White issued Chuck Liddell in the press, the man across from him in the Octagon is also in an obviously dire situation.  Mauricio “Shogun” Rua is 1-1 in the UFC and has yet to look like he belongs in a light heavyweight division thick with talented fighters.  But unlike Liddell, Rua’s problem isn’t that he’s slowing down as a natural side effect of age.  Instead he seems to have lost his explosiveness while at the same time developing the cardio of a toddler.

There are two commonly offered explanations for why this happened to the man who looked like Pride’s best 205-pounder just a couple years ago.

1) Knee injuries, followed by surgeries and rehab, have left him with too little time to train hard, resulting in him fighting at far less than 100%.

2) Now fighting in the UFC and subject to actual drug tests, he has to perform without the oft-rumored pharmaceutical assistance that was said to be rampant in Pride.

(Foupa-Pokam’s most recent fight, against Kyacey Uscola at PFC 12 in January. The KO comes at the video’s 8:12 mark.)

UFC 97: Redemption goes down this Saturday in Montreal, and among the card’s horde of Brazilians, Canadians, and TUF vets are three dudes who will be looking to prove themselves in the Octagon for the first time. These are their stories…

***

BRIAN STANN (LHW)
Experience: 6-1 record primarily in the WEC, with all wins by first-round TKO. Holds victories over Aaron Stark, Steve Cantwell, and Doug Marshall.
Will be facing: Krzysztof Soszynski (16-8-1, 1-0 UFC)
Lowdown: Stann became the WEC’s light-heavyweight champion in March 2008 when he knocked out Doug Marshall at WEC 33, but lost the title in his first defense when he was TKO’d by Steve Cantwell — who Stann had defeated in a previous fight. Stann and Cantwell were supposed to have their rubber match at UFC’s "Fight for the Troops" event last December, but Stann was forced to pull out with a foot injury; Cantwell went on to snap the arm of Razak Al-Hassan then brag about it. A former Captain in the U.S. Marines and Iraq war vet, Stann was awarded the Silver Star after saving the asses of his entire 42-man platoon following an unfortunate ambush-situation near Karabilah, which was later portrayed on the History Channel show Shootout! He hails from Scranton, Pennsylvania.

XAVIER FOUPA-POKAM (MW)
Experience: 20-9 record (18 wins by stoppage in the first two rounds) with multiple appearances in Cage Rage and Palace Fighting Championship.
Will be facing: Denis Kang (31-11-1, 0-1 UFC)
Lowdown: Currently riding a seven-fight win streak, the 26-year-old Frenchman describes his Muay Thai-based style as "very violent." Professor X splits his training time between Team Quest in Temecula, California — where he acted as an Anderson Silva-mimic when Dan Henderson was preparing for his middleweight title fight against the Spider at UFC 82 — and Cyrille Diabate’s Snake Team in Paris. Before devoting his life to fighting, Foupa-Pokam was a cameraman and director’s assistant, and calls filmmaking his "second passion." He has three DQ losses on his record, due to an ill-fitting mouthpiece that kept falling out (in a fight against Martin Kampmann), an accidental groin strike, and an illegal elbow on the ground during an event where they weren’t allowed. Canada will be the twelfth country he’s competed in.

(From Sherdog via MMA Scraps)

Renato Sobral — possibly still upset at being called "one of the greatest light-heavyweights, of the night" at Affliction: Day of Reckoning — apparently had some words with Tito Ortiz at Saturday’s Strikeforce show, and had to be restrained by a handler, while Chuck Zito watched on in the background, just waiting for a chance to jump in and prove that he can still mix it up when shit goes down. Any lip readers in the house know what was being said? A Strikeforce fight between Ortiz and Sobral is a possibility for the future, but as Ortiz told Sherdog, “I might need a tuneup before Babalu.”

Before the show even went down, Nick Diaz and Frank Shamrock had a moment where Frank referred to Nick as a "faggot" (that damn word again!) and Diaz made it clear that he will slap you in your face, bitch. Check it out below.

There’s only one thing in the world that could have dispelled all these bad vibes…

(When you want to get rid of a bunch of cash in a hurry, but don’t want to deal with the smoky mess that comes along with literally burning it, nothing beats starting up your own MMA organization.)

After rumors spread that Affliction III might possibly try to counter-program UFC 100 on July 11, Affliction’s Tom Atencio is now publicly disavowing any intention to go out kamikaze-style in a blaze of bitterly self-destructive glory.  Atencio said earlier reports that he might try and get his third event on free TV the same night as the UFC’s historic event were nonsense, adding: “In my eyes, it’s not even a possibility. It doesn’t make sense."

That’s true, Tom.  It doesn’t make sense.  But neither does paying Tim Sylvia $800,000, or even bothering to put on a third show if the main event won’t be Fedor Emelianenko vs. Josh Barnett.  So when will the third Affliction event happen, assuming there is one?  Atencio basically admits that he has no idea, which is hardly surprising. 

But wait a minute, what if this is all a clever ploy?  What if Atencio has figured out that every time he announces an event the UFC finds some way to screw with him?  Maybe this time he’s going to outsmart them.  He won’t even announce when Affliction III is.  It will just happen in the middle of the night on a Tuesday.  No prior warning at all.  Even the fighters won’t know where or when it will be.  They’ll be taken from their homes, blindfolded, and then dropped off at the arena an hour before fight time.  Imagine what a fool Dana White will feel like when he wakes up the next morning and realizes he’s been outfoxed by the t-shirt guy.

You tricky devil, Tom Atencio.  We never knew you had it in you.

As you may have heard already, UFC 100 sold out in record time with all the tickets being snatched up by “UFC Fight Club” members and newsletters subscribers before the general public got so much as a whiff of them.  That’s great news for the UFC since it justifies all the effort they’ve put into making this a historic fight card.  But with the tickets selling out so fast you can’t help but wonder how much of a role scalpers played.

For instance, UFC.com says ticket prices ranged from $100 to $1,000.  But if you check out StubHub.com (the “official fan-to-fan ticket marketplace” of the UFC) right now you’ll see over 1,000 UFC 100 tickets already for sale.  The cheapest one will run you about $428, and needless to say it is not exactly Octagonside.  For that privilege you’ll pay anywhere from $2,500 to $24,000 (ed. note: you fucking kidding me?).  If you are an MMA fan with that kind of money to spend on tickets to a UFC event, then congratulations.  You are Shaquille O’Neal.

From TapouT.com:

As TapouT co-founder Dan "Punkass" Caldwell told Sherdog: “I just really felt like the Crystal Cathedral was calling. It’s where Charles would have wanted it. [With] some of the spiritual aspects of Charles, I knew we really wanted it in a church…It almost looks like Superman’s lair with the shards of glass bursting up into the sky. There’s not another place like it, that I could think of, in Southern California. It was just so fitting for Charles.”

Related: ‘Mask’ not on drugs, alcohol in deadly Ferrari crash

(Wilson Reis vs. Henry Martinez)

If you’re one of the proud, multi-lingual subscribers of ESPN Deportes, this is old news to you, but the second weekly installment of the Bellator Fighting Championships went down Friday night (and was broadcast on Saturday), with former EliteXC 140-pound champ Wilson Reis extending his record to 7-0 with a decision win over Henry Martinez, and IFL/Ring of Combat vet Lyman Good scoring his eighth consecutive win after choking out Hector Urbina. Also on the card was Jorge Ortiz (aka "The Naked Man"), who scored a decision win over Aaron Romero. You can watch the entire broadcast (in English!) starting this Wednesday on Bellator.com. Full results are below…

TOURNAMENT BOUTS
Wilson Reis def. Henry Martinez via unanimous decision (bantamweights)
Eric Reynolds def. Thomas Schulte via TKO, 4:18 of round 1 (lightweights)
Lyman Good def. Hector Urbina via submission (rear-naked choke), 3:22 of round 2 (welterweights)
Omar de la Cruz def. Victor Meza via unanimous decision (welterweights)
Jorge Ortiz def. Aaron Romero via unanimous decision (welterweights)

NON-TOURNAMENT BOUTS
Jesse Juarez def. Mikey Gomez via TKO, 4:23 of round one (welterweights)
Matt Makowksi def. Aaron Tregear via unanimous decision (lightweights)
Jimmie Rivera def. Willie Gates via submission (triangle choke), 3:17 of round 3 (bantamweights)
Josh Laberge def. Chris Simmons via unanimous decision (lightweights)

Bellator’s staggered four-weight-class tournament system may seem confusing at first, but basically here’s what’s going to happen…

(Alas, Shamrock’s pleas for Diaz to "mellow out" were all in vain.  Photo courtesy of SI.com)

Strikeforce’s first offering on Showtime yielded some pleasant surprises and some totally unpleasant non-surprises.  We turn now to the arbitrary numerical ranking system of the Potato Index to tell us who’s up and who’s down after this weekend.  Giddyup.

Nick Diaz +123
His biggest win in years proves that Diaz is a true main event fighter who deserves to be taken seriously.  He beat a slower, but still capable Shamrock in every aspect of the game, and even helped him up afterwards.  Now we await the results of his drug test.  Please Nick, tell us you didn’t screw that part up.

Frank Shamrock -68
“The Legend” showed a lot of heart, but not a whole lot of skill or endurance.  Maybe those surgeries and his advancing years are taking more of a toll than he let on, or maybe Diaz really is that good of a boxer.  Either way, if Shamrock can’t do better in the rematch with Cung Le he should seriously consider calling it a career.

(Step 1: Lock in armbar. Step 2: Give camera sultry look. Step 3: Call parents and tell them community college classes are going really well.)

Further solidifying the already close bonds between professional MMA fighters and adult film actresses, the organizers behind the Exxxotica Miami Beach “Adult Consumer Show” have decided to go the extra mile.  This year they’ll be hosting a no-gi submission grappling tournament to supplement the adult-themed entertainment already on display.  To let you know exactly what the thought process was behind this move, just read this statement from the Exxxotica director – clearly a man who knows his target audience:

”Exxxotica now has everything a guy could ask for — the biggest adult stars, lots of sexy action, and one of the most popular sports in the world today, Mixed Martial Arts,” said J. Handy, Director of Victory Tradeshow Management, producers of Exxxotica. ”In the past we’ve had professional pillow fighters, pro wrestling exhibitions, but nothing touches the ever-growing popularity of Mixed Martial Arts in the United States, and hosting this tournament during Exxxotica Miami Beach is just another way for us to give our attendees anything and everything to entertain them when they come to our show.”

Oh, J. Handy.  You had me at professional pillow fighters.  Although maybe you shouldn’t continue to refer to a no-gi grappling tournament as mixed martial arts.  Strictly speaking, the action in grappling tournaments isn’t MMA any more than the action in porn movies is an expression of love.  But whatever.  The winner of the absolute division of this tournament gets $3,000 and the adoration of every wide-eyed starlet in attendance, which means this might be the best chance yet for Tamdan McCrory to finally get laid.  Go get ‘em, Barn Cat.

(Props: MMA Scraps)

With Dana White laying low for a while, Chuck Liddell has been recruited to handle video blog duties in the days leading up to UFC 97 — and the Iceman quickly proves that he can be just as boring as his boss. Watch as Chuck does a radio appearance, hangs with boxing coach Howard Davis, defends Dana’s recent controversial vlog (without actually having seen it) and gets his toenails did.

Below: What, you thought the White Cure was just smoke-and-mirrors, player? News flash — it’s manna straight from heaven. After preparing for a fight by smoking weed and snorting Stevia, poet-warrior Dan Quinn taps out some guy at some show last week. Somebody tell Quinn’s cornerman Ross Clifton to join the pound-a-month club, stat…

(If only you had some of that No Fear Bloodshot energy drink in your corner, Frank. The second round would have been a completely different story.)

It’s official: With a whopping 13 points, CP reader "angry little feet" blew away the competition in last week’s pick ‘em contest, and scores a No Fear prize package for his efforts. Here’s how he did it…

Diaz via Submission round 2 (2 points)
Melendez T/KO round 2 (3 points)
Smith T/KO round 3 (3 points)
Santos T/KO round 1 (2 points)
Rogers T/KO round 2 (3 points)

So, Lil’ Feet, send your address and shirt/hoodie size to feedback@cagepotato.com and we’ll get your bounty right out to you. In second place was G-Smooth with 11 points. The runner-up performance entitles G to a CagePotato t-shirt; send us your address and size if you’re interested. And special CP back-pats go to Burzerkers, joneser5, coach pablo, and Freddy Fangers for racking up 10 points apiece, tying them all for third place.

Coming in with a mad-respectable nine points was our very own Ben Fowlkes, who, like so many of you, got screwed by Frank Shamrock. And slightly further down the list with five points was Ben Goldstein, whose only consolation is that he didn’t score four points, which would tie him for dead last with all those dumbasses who thought Abongo was going to pull out the upset.

Many thanks to everyone who entered, and remember to visit EarnSomeCred.com for your chance to win a VIP trip to an upcoming MMA event.