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15 Moments of Instant Regret [GIFs]

March, 2010

MMA FightPicker Head-to-Head: ‘Vera vs. Jones’ Edition

Gabriel Gonzaga UFC bloody
(You should see the other guy. Seriously, not a mark on him.)

First off, an announcement for MMA FightPicker prize-pool participants: Due to a technical screw-up on our end, we had to clear your tie-breaker answers so we could put up answer-fields that actually made sense. All of you should have been contacted via e-mail by now, but in case this is news to you, please revisit your prize pool(s) and make sure you have the tie-breaker question entered. We’d like to give a hearty "Nice, Player!" to everybody who entered those prize pools to win the gear from MMAWarehouse.com. As of now, there are two spots remaining in the 1,200-chip 10-person pool, and an infinite number of spots remaining in the Unlimited pool.

This week, BF and BG snuck into Contender Pool 10 #787, where they’ll be competing with perennial contender Ryan Johnson and someone named RaWrBoOm. As for the questions, there seem to be a lot of heavy favorites this time around. Who of you will be ballsy enough to pick the upsets? Certainly not us — BF and BG had a difference of opinion on just one question. We should really change the name of "Ben vs. Ben" to "Ben and Ben are Best Friends and Never Argue." Anyway, here’s how we’re picking ‘em for UFC Live: Vera vs. Jones this Sunday on Versus (9 p.m. ET / 6 p.m. PT)…

Brandon Vera vs. Jon Jones: Who will win?
BF: Unless Jones gets himself DQ’d or suffers a stroke on his way to the cage, he’s got this. Vera can’t strike with him and can’t get him down. Cue the spinning back elbow.
BG: Jon Jones via spinning Superman punches and Greco rag-dolling. He’s just more special then Vera, y’know?

Will Vera vs. Jones end in a KO/TKO?
BF: I hate hemming myself in with an answer that has one way to be right and at least two ways to be wrong, but I gotta say yes. I see Vera getting dropped and finished with a flurry on the mat.
BG: Yep. The fight ends with Jones on top and Vera eating leather and elbow-bone.

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Erin Toughill Says She’s Done With Strikeforce, Possibly With MMA Altogether

Erin Toughill announced via Facebook Thursday afternoon that she isn’t going to be fighting for Strikeforce any longer, and she actually sounds pretty serious about the whole thing.  Now, I realize we’ve all written things we didn’t mean on Facebook from time to time.  For example, I do not actually believe that the MTV show "Teen Mom" is one long advertisement for abortion, contrary to what I may have written on my profile in the past.  But Toughill insists that this wasn’t a hasty decision on her part, and she even seems to be considering giving up the sport for good. 

You’ll recall that she was supposed to be next in line for a shot at "Cyborg" Santos in Strikeforce, but it doesn’t look like that’s happening now.  Her gripe is a familiar one among female fighters.  Even now that they have a major promotion to compete in, there just aren’t enough chances to fight.  Sure, Strikeforce has gotten into a good rhythm with women’s bouts, putting one on almost every event of late, but never more than one.  You factor in the various weight classes and the numerous female fighters under contract, and suddenly there aren’t that many chances to go out there and get paid.

Maybe that’s the source of Toughill’s beef, or maybe they’re jerking her around over the Santos fight.  Hopefully all this gets explained in future Facebook posts, which are accompanied by pictures of her and all her friends drinking margaritas at their local Chili’s.

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Watch Oleg Taktarov Act His Ass Off in The New “Predators” Movie

More Predators Videos

Our friends at Screen Junkies recently tracked down this trailer for the newest installment in the “Predator” film series (they apparently gave up and just called this one “Predators”), and the trailer features every MMA fan’s favorite old school Russian bad-ass, Oleg Taktarov. He plays Nikolai, a name which is second only to Boris as the most popular character name over the course of Taktarov’s film career. His brand of menacing stoicism will bring some much-needed street cred to an action film where we’re supposed to buy Adrian Brody as the forceful male lead. A quick plot synopsis for your approval:

Brody plays Royce, a mercenary who reluctantly leads a group of elite warriors who come to realize they’ve been brought together on an alien planet… as prey. With the exception of a disgraced physician, they are all cold-blooded killers – mercenaries, Yakuza, convicts, death squad members – human "predators" that are now being systemically hunted and eliminated by a new breed of alien Predators.

Okay, so it’s a bit of a stretch. The part where we’re supposed to believe that Brody is a stone cold mercenary, that is. The part where aliens abduct elite warriors to hunt them for sport is pretty believable by comparison. But hey, at least there’s Oleg to utter some sweet one-liners before he inevitably gets aced by a Predator. Get a preview of what that might look like after the jump.
 

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CagePotato Comments of the Week

Miesha Tate MMA fighter sexy ass
(We weren’t sure what to put up at the top of this post, so we figured, hey, Miesha Tate’s ass, right guys? Photo courtesy of Fight! Magazine.)

Praise Crom it’s Friday! Time to shout out our favorite members of the peanut gallery… 

chamby on "War Machine Returning to MMA in April, Still Out His Damn Mind": I wish that grenade on his neck would blow up already

Aptninja on "Photo Gallery: 17 Amazing MMA Event Posters"(@skeletor) Sperm sometimes move toward an egg rather than the space bar.

ReX13 on "Heads-Up: Win a $200 MMA Warehouse Gear Package in This Week’s FightPicker Prize Pools"(@JoseMonkey) Don’t think i won’t put on this entire outfit and run errands, including stopping at the bank, where i will refuse to take out my mouthpiece while i converse with the tellers. Despite the fact that i have hands so dimunitive that i refuse to go to Burger King, i will not remove my gloves. I will grasp the pen-on-a-chain with an overhand stabby grip and scrawl an approximation of my name, and mumble about "fucking staph" while they count out stacks of ones, per my request. When i am bid a good day, i will grunt the words "protein", "gym", "train", "appreciate your help and have a lovely afternoon", or some combination of preceding, and i will stalk out. I hope the rash guard won’t cover the awesome tribal armband i have planned. If you want to quit being a pencilneck, feel free to come by my gym, Keyboard Warrior, and ask for a free month’s membership (promotional code: Tap, Nap, or Snap).

Goog on "Tito Ortiz Rumorwatch: Now It’s a Neck Injury": "I tattooed my fathe, beat the pith out of Robin Giventh, and thquandered over 300 million dollarth and I’m thtill not the biggest douchebag in thith photo."

If your name has been called, please send your real name, address, and shirt size to feedback@cagepotato.com, and we’ll send you a CagePotato.com Devil Horns tee to you at some point in the near-to-distant future. 

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MMA Minute: UFC on Versus Edition


CagePotato.coms MMA Minute: UFC on Versus Edition – Watch more Funny Videos

Because you never get tired of seeing our creepy faces, here’s another video installment of Ben vs. Ben, in which we cover some hot-button issues related to Sunday’s Vera vs. Jones show on Versus (How badly will Jon Jones beat Brandon Vera? Is the main card in greater need of a Carpenter or a Janitor?) and debut a brand-new segment called "Nice, Player!/Nah, Player!", which is inspired by the groundbreaking Ed Lover series "C’mon Son." Of course, you can’t really see our home-made cardboard signs because we’re Internet Geniuses and we didn’t realize that they wouldn’t fit inside the video windows. Trust us, they were awesome. Any suggestions for things you’d like to see in future installments of MMA Minute? You know, besides smaller cardboard signs? Let us hear it in the comments section…

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One More Time, You Sure You Want to Be a F*cking Fighter?


(A little hard on the ref, aren’t we? We’ll let it go because we love the "G is for gangster" line so much.)

We have three words to say about this video of Miguel Torres getting his head repaired: Ho. Lee. Shit.  The boys at MMA Mania shot this video of a New Jersey cosmetic surgeon trying to make Torres look like a regular human being again following the nasty cut he suffered in his loss to Joseph Benavidez at WEC 47

Now that we’ve seen the footage, we sort of wished they’d just stayed out of the operating room and let us continue believing that these things are healed by the delicate licks of newborn kittens.  Something about seeing a living person’s skull, as well as watching their skin get tugged around like a pair of unloved pleather pants feels…wrong.  I’m going to go throw up now, and then immediately cancel my trip to audition for the next season of "The Ultimate Fighter." 

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Let’s See If We Can’t Get Hyped, All Over Again, For “Rampage” Jackson vs. Rashad Evans


(Well done, Nick the Face. If in fact that is your real name.)

The UFC sent out an email this afternoon pumping up the match-up between “bitter rivals” (sound familiar?) Rashad Evans and “Rampage” Jackson for UFC 114 on May 29. All we can say is, it’s about damn time. Their coaching stints on “The Ultimate Fighter” initially got us hyped for this bout, but then almost immediately we had to get unhyped as ‘Page ran off to make movies/announce his retirement instead of delivering on the “black-on-black crime” he promised us.

Now that it’s on again, we must begin the slow, arduous process of rehyping ourselves. This highlight video helps a little, but how about throwing down with some incendiary quotes to push us over the edge, UFC press release?

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‘UFC Live: Vera vs. Jones’ — The New Guys


(Daniel Roberts grappling highlight reel. Props: YouTube.com/ninjaroberts)

Three hungry up-and-comers will be making their Octagon debuts this Sunday, filling some gaps on the "Vera vs. Jones" preliminary card. But who will explode on the scene, and who will blow the biggest opportunity of their careers like total losers? Read on and get acquainted with…

DANIEL "Ninja" ROBERTS (WW)
Experience: 9-0 record (7 wins by submission), mostly in Oklahoma-based promotions. Most recently scored a submission-via-punches over MMA old-schooler Anthony Macias in January.
Will be fighting: John Howard (13-4, 3-0 UFC)
Lowdown: Roberts is filling in for Anthony Johnson, who dropped off the card last month with an injury. He comes from an amateur wrestling background, and as you can see in the video above, his grappling is ferocious. Roberts currently trains at the Cesar Gracie camp with Strikeforce champions Nick Diaz, Jake Shields, and Gilbert Melendez. He’s thrilled to be fighting John Howard: “I have to say that if I were to pick my opponent for the UFC, it probably would be him. Not to say that he’s a bad guy or an easy win — the fact that he’s 3-0 in the UFC is actually a good thing. I checked him out, I saw what he has, and I definitely feel like my grappling is way ahead of his…if he can last through the first and second round, then he’s pretty tough, because I plan on giving it everything I’ve got…I know a lot of people like to stand up and bang, but I think I’m gonna win a lot of fans over with my grappling. I move really well on the ground and there are not a lot of people that can move like me."

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UFC’s April Counter-Programming Show Not Happening


(Honestly, which would you rather watch: Chuck Liddell vs. Rich Franklin, or the stunning conclusion to this red-hot war of words? Video courtesy of MiddleEasy.)

Our condolences to anybody who was looking forward to a hastily thrown-together UFC card featuring a couple of old-timers and whoever else was available at the time. A Spike TV source has told MMAFighting.com that the UFC’s rumored Strikeforce counter-programming show on April 17th is no longer happening. This shouldn’t come as a huge surprise, considering that no fights had been made official a month away from the date. (The UFC doesn’t seem to share the same "whatever happens happens" attitude as the Japanese when it comes to fight-booking.) And so, Strikeforce wins this particular standoff, and will instead be going heads-up against one of the UFC’s recent pay-per-views. Considering how those PPVs have been doing lately, that’s good news for Scott Coker.

Speaking of Strikeforce: Nashville, MMA Junkie reports that Bobby Lashley (5-0) is slated to appear on the card against an opponent to be named later; if there’s any justice in the world, Wes Sims will get the rematch that we all know he deserves. Lashley’s fight is expected to be part of the event’s preliminary card, but will be shown on the CBS broadcast unless all three title fights go long.

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The Ten Sorriest Excuses In MMA History


(This is why B.J Penn still wakes up some nights in a terror, convinced that he’s covered in Vaseline and his own blood.)

Whether we want to admit it or not, excuses are as much a part of mixed martial arts as Tapout tees and fist-pose photographs. They have to be. In a world where you must talk yourself into believing that you’re either the baddest man in your weight class or else on your way to becoming it, a loss is something you have to find some way to reconcile, or else have your identity destroyed. That other dude couldn’t have won just because he was the better fighter. No, surely there’s a reason for this temporary setback, and chances are it’s very detailed and probably a little bit ridiculous.

In honor of the post-defeat excuse in MMA, we give you ten of the worst and weirdest attempts to explain away an ass-kicking. They aren’t necessarily untrue (though some are demonstrably untrue), but neither can they turn that L into a W. The best you can hope for is that they make sleeping at night just a little easier for the people who uttered them.

10. Mark Coleman couldn’t afford a proper training camp

(Don’t forget those elbows to the back of the head, either.)

Who beat him: Mauricio “Shogun” Rua
When: UFC 93, 1/17/09
Why: When Mark Coleman gassed out like a car owned by Mark Coleman against “Shogun” Rua in his return to the UFC, we initially assumed it was a sign of age. The man was forty-four years old, after all, which for some guys is the age where a strenuous day of yard work can land them in bed for a week. But Coleman cited a different reason after the fight, saying, “I didn’t have any money for a training camp before this fight. Those things cost money and I just couldn’t afford it.”
Why it’s plausible: Coleman is notoriously and permanently broke. Also, you saw how bad he looked in that fight, right?
Why it isn’t: Whether he could afford Randy Couture’s customized diet and trampoline gyms or not, Coleman knew he was headed into a pro fight and it was his responsibility to prepare. Plenty of broke fighters working side jobs at Jiffy Lube manage to get in shape, and without the promise of a big payday. It shouldn’t be so much to ask for a UFC Hall of Famer to do the same.

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