(If Oleg couldn’t help a troubled youth, you knew they were too far gone to be helped.)

If you’ve been sitting on pins and needles waiting to hear what zany exploits War Machine has been getting into in county jail,  your wait is over.

Apparently the friend who was relaying War’s ramblings via his Twitter account is somewhat technically retarded since he couldn’t figure out how to post the blogs without using Twitlonger and the situation had him more baffled than Thiago Silva’s urologist.

Well, the dude figured out how to create a blog to post the entries, but someone forgot to tell him you don’t have to make a blog site for each entry you make. Seriously. Instead of simply calling the blog something that makes sense like War Machine’s Blog and just posting each entry on it, he named one of his blogs he made Week 18 and the other one Week 19. We can understand how he became with the fighter formerly known as Jon Koppenhaver since they both seem to be intellectual equals.

Anyway, we’re just happy to know that Machine didn’t stop writing because he was a victim of some auto-asphyxiation accident involving a grilled cheese sandwich.

Check out WM’s two latest entries after the jump.

(“Next!” Pic: Bellator)

And then there was one. It’s been almost three weeks since the news broke that Zuffa, LLC. had purchased Strikeforce – this week Our Octagon Overlords allegedly began signing SF fighters to their own airtight contractual arrangements – and it just now dawns on us what this means for Eddie Alvarez. Put simply, the continued Dana-fication of the MMA landscape means Alvarez is the only US-based 155-pound fighter anywhere near the Top 10 (or, hell, Top 20) not currently owned in a roundabout way by Big DW and the Fertitta Bros. God, that must be lonely.

As if on cue, and just a few days before he’s set to put his Bellator title on the line against tournament winner Pat Curran at an event we all keep forgetting about, Alvarez made some fairly stock claims this week to SI.com’s Jeff Waggenheim about how a lot of UFC lightweights would be “nobodies” without the promotion’s PR muscle behind them. Boy, we’ve heard this one before, right?

(Video courtesy of Vimeo/TheReem)

The Reem is back with another episode of our favorite web documentary series and it was worth the wait.

(Yeah, now that you mention it, you never see Mike Kyle and Newark mayor Cory Booker in the same room together…)

Due to a broken hand suffered in training, Strikeforce light-heavyweight contender Mike Kyle has been forced to withdraw from his scheduled match against Gegard Mousasi at ‘Strikeforce: Diaz vs. Daley‘ (April 9th, San Diego). The Kyle/Mousasi match would have likely produced the next challenger to Dan Henderson’s 205-pound title. Strikeforce is currently looking for a replacement opponent for Mousasi, who has scored wins over Jake O’Brien and Tatsuya Mizuno while competing in DREAM since losing the Strikeforce light-heavyweight title to Muhammed “King Mo” Lawal last April.

The news of Kyle’s injury withdrawal comes just a day after we learned that Jon Fitch — who trains alongside Kyle at American Kickboxing Academy — would not be making his rematch date with BJ Penn because of a shoulder injury. Speaking of which, Carlos Condit is down to step in against BJ Penn…as soon as the UFC asks him to.

(Mike V., representing at WWE Raw)

Yeeeaaaaahhh buddy! Time to give away some more Free CagePotato t-shirts to those of you who posted “Free CagePotato” signs on our Facebook wall, or sent a unique and persuasive tweet @danawhite with the #freecagepotato tag. If we ran your photo or tweet this week, please e-mail your name, shirt-size, and address to contest@cagepotato.com, and we’ll hook you up…as soon as the shirts come in. (Be patient, guys.) Thanks for the support, and please continue to submit your entries for a chance to be recognized next week. More good stuff after the jump…

(Mike S., doing his Jake Shields impression. Damn, how’d you get all those Hall of Fame shirts?)

(Anyone can play XBox. Real fighters play chess.)

Well, another week has passed and a lot has changed.

First of all, I decided to not compete in the wrestling nationals. It was a tough decision that I didn’t come to easily. I had a lot of close friends, family and teammates come to me with concern over me competing and potentially injuring myself prior to my fight. As much as I wanted to compete, I had to listen to other people’s objective opinion. I was very attached emotionally to competing in nationals and was not seeing (or choosing to ignore) evidence that is was not perhaps the wisest move for me two weeks before a title defense. I know I always respect people more when they can be smart enough to pull themselves away form a problem and see someone’s opinion and viewpoint from a non-subjective stance. I think I could have placed in the top 3 but would of been happy with 5th place. Next year maybe.

(Coaching gaffes aside, the green jersey really brings out his eyes. Pic: TheMMANews)

At least one thing was abundantly clear Wednesday night about the debut episode of “The Ultimate Fighter,” season 13: Brock Lesnar has obviously never seen this show before. Forget for a minute all the silly squabbling over the former heavyweight champ’s credentials as a coach and whether or not his inclusion on the UFC’s popular reality show will be good for ratings and/or the sport. The real question this morning is whether or not Lesnar even owns a television, because the dude played the “TUF 13” season premiere like a straight-up rookie. Things snowballed so quickly and decisively in the favor of Team Dos Santos, that by the end of the first 60 minutes we had to wonder if this season will be another one-sided ass-kicking on the order of those handed out by Team GSP on “TUF 12” and Team Rashad on “TUF 10.”

We don’t want to totally bury Team Lesnar this early on because – let’s face it – a lot can happen between now and the end of the season, especially since producers appear to have done an uncharacteristically good job making the actual cast of “TUF 13” look evenly matched. There are only two dudes on board we’ve ever heard of before – Shamar Bailey and Ryan McGillivray, both snapped up quick-fast by Team JDS – so maybe Brock’s picks will surprise us. Still, we couldn’t help but notice that Lesnar didn’t exactly pin episode one to the mat and give it a Heath Herring-style beatdown. Here are the multiple ways Coach Brock screwed things up …

(Apparently the tipping point in negotiations was Fedor’s refusal to try Pinkberry)

Well it looks like Dana White is sending a message to fighters whose camps think they’re bigger than the UFC.

According to a report by LifeSports.ru, which cites “a source close to the fighter,” Zuffa has passed on a proposed deal with M-1 to sign the Russian management group’s biggest client, Fedor Emelianenko to a new UFC contract.

M-1′s failed dealings with the UFC over the past few years have been well documented, which no doubt left a bad taste in White’s mouth and likely contributed to the UFC president’s decision to pass on locking in the former number one ranked pound-for-pound fighter.

By Ryan Ventura

“The Max Murderer” Maximo Blanco is a star in the world of Japanese Mixed Martial Arts. The 27-year-old Venezuelan first made his name in the world of Combat Sports as a freestyle wrestler. He won a bronze medal in the 60kg division at the 2007 Pan American games and earned a scholarship to wrestle at the college level in Japan.

After failing to qualify for the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympic games, Blanco made the jump into Mixed Martial Arts by being recruited by Sengoku, and began training at the legendary Yoshida Dojo in Japan. He became an instant star and has won over fans worldwide with his brutal and exciting brand of fighting, which has produced five knockout victories in his last six fights. Maximo Blanco was able to take some time out of his busy schedule to talk exclusively to our readers about his wrestling background, life in Japan, and career aspirations…

Continue reading on Lowkick.com/MMA

(Brock and the Burn Machine: Like a Shakeweight for straight dudes. Props: ZombieProphet)

The Ultimate Fighter: Team Lesnar vs. Team Dos Santos premiered last night, and whatever the opposite of fireworks is, that’s what episode 1 delivered. We begin with a video montage introducing the coaches. Brock Lesnar announces that he ain’t here to make friends during the first minute. Check that off your reality show cliche scorecard. (In an unrelated story, Junior Dos Santos later refers to himself as “a sleepy bitch.”)

The fighters come in howling like they just got selected for a spot on Mr. Awesome. They’re told that there will be no elimination fight to get into the house, which gets them even more psyched. Brock and Junior enter the room to a rousing ovation. The guys applaud Brock’s list of credentials. Dana says that Junior “stepped aside from that title shot to come in here and teach you guys what he’s got.” Obviously, they’re not going to mention Cain Velasquez’s injury and how Junior really felt about his title shot getting delayed.

(Almeida retires with a record of 13-5)

In 2008, after a near four-year absence away from fighting, Ricardo Almeida’s desire to return to compete in MMA coaxed him out of an unannounced retirement to sign with the UFC. Since then he has fought eight times, losing three and winning five.

At 34 years of age, Almeida has decided to walk away from the sport despite having a few good fights left in him to spend more time with his family and to focus on running his Brazilian jiu-jitsu academy.

It’s been a pleasure watching you fight, Big Dog. Props for realizing when it was time to call it quits.

Read Ricardo’s statement after the jump.

(Come on, Jon. A real man takes “prohibited injections” and fights through that shit. Photo courtesy of Zimbio)

Bad news for fans of immediate rematches and mouthpiece-chewers. As first reported by MMAWeekly, Jon Fitch has withdrawn from his upcoming fight with BJ Penn at UFC 132 (July 2nd, Las Vegas) due to an undisclosed injury suffered in training; according to ESPN, it’s shoulder-related. A replacement opponent for Penn has not yet been named.

Fitch and Penn met in the main event of UFC 127 last month and fought to a majority draw, in a match that saw Penn take a slight edge in the first two rounds before getting clobbered in round three. UFC 132 is currently slated to feature the bantamweight title fight between Dominick Cruz and Urijah Faber.

(Video courtesy of YouTube/ESPN)

Brock Lesnar has been on a whirlwind media tour this week in advance of tonight’s premiere episode of The Ultimate Fighter Season 13 and one difference that is noticeable in the former UFC heavyweight champion is that he seems to be a lot less grumpy than usual. Either Dana White had a talk with him to ensure that there wouldn’t be any more “screw Bud Light” moments during the press junket or the TUF 13 coach has lightened up a bit. Either way, Brock actually comes off as funny and likeable in these clips.

Check out Lesnar scaring the shit out of Colin Cowherd and making Jim Norton squeal like a pig after the jump.

The Potato Nation has been asking for it, so tomorrow night we’re bringing back the interactive aspect of The Bum Rush Radio Show. The taping of episode 19 will start at 5:30 pm ET Wednesday.

(Munster Mulisha! Pic: MMA Convert)

There was good reason for Jose Aldo to immediately start gobbling up the headlines after the UFC crowned him and Dominick Cruz its newest champions at the beginning of this year. Aldo after all has been known to suspend the rules of space and time during his fights and in one of his two most recent performances, ground the former consensus GOAT’s lead leg into andouille sausage. Still, with all the attention afforded the featherweight champ these past few months, we couldn’t blame bantamweight kingpin Cruz if he were sitting around right now mumbling something like “Wait ’till they a get a load of me.”

Because, while Aldo has been tabbed the immediate breakout superstar of the lighter weight classes, Cruz has certainly been no slouch. His unique blend of evasive footwork and striking has so far been a riddle no one at 135-pounds can unravel. Slated for a second bout with Urijah Faber at UFC 132, Cruz will get the stiffest test of his career during his first Octagon appearance. That bout could potentially see a realignment of the bantamweight Top 5. Until then, here’s how we see the cream of the 135-pound crop …

(“Why yes, I *am* getting too old for this shit. Thanks for asking!”)

During his 14-year MMA career, Randy Couture has ditched the UFC no less than three times — once in 1998 to pursue opportunities in Japan, the second time due to a short-lived retirement in 2006 following his second knockout loss to Chuck Liddell, and finally in 2007 due to a money disputes and a perceived lack of respect. Each time, the lure of competition has brought him back to his home in the Octagon. But there’s only so much a 47-year-old can take, and after a series of vague hints in recent months, it seems like Randy is preparing us for his final departure, seriously, for real this time.

During an appearance on the ESPN UFC podcast, Couture stated that his upcoming UFC 129 fight against Lyoto Machida will very likely be his last, win or lose. As he put it:

(Video courtesy of Sportsnet)

Heading into Ontario’s inaugural MMA show at Casino Rama in Orillia this weekend, the event’s head official “Big” John McCarthy, who will also work UFC 129 later next month in Toronto, made a few media appearances in the Canadian province to help educate fans and the general public about the rules and regulations of the sport.

McCarthy made a stop at Sportsnet for a taping of Primetime Sports where he spoke at length about the differences between refereeing boxing and MMA.

“I also referee boxing. [In both sports] you’re in there for the safety of the fighters and you’re in there to enforce the rules. The safety of the fighters is number one. Your whole job is to try to make sure that both fighters come in and are able to perform at an even platform as far as there’s no advantage to one fighter over the other and get them both out of that ring or that cage in a safe way so they can go back and do it again if they want. That’s what you’re looking for,” McCarthy explained. In MMA you’re making split-second decisions much more than you are in boxing. Boxing gives the referee time, based upon the rules, to make decisions and come up with, ‘This is what I’m going to do in this scenario.’”

Our friends at MadeMan.com have followed up their “Win a Fight With One Punch” video with another tutorial from Legends MMA‘s Eddie Jackson. In this installment, Eddie shares some tips on how to take a punch, aided by crazy-eyed training partner Matt Horwich. Give it a look, and if you dig it, please subscribe to MadeManDotCom on YouTube.

(No really, it’s good for you. Pic: DLAnderson.com)

It should come as no surprise that MMA fighters on the whole seem particularly susceptible to hokum and gimmickry. After all, in this sport everybody is looking for an edge. In an industry where your ability to keep up with the Joneses (pun totally intended) can be the difference between fighting in the Octagon in front of thousands of screaming fans and having a job where one of your main responsibilities is walking the girls to their cars at the end of the night, guys will do almost anything to stay on top.

Everybody wants to be the first to discover the next big thing, that next little trick that’s going to push them to the win. In other words, MMA fighters will try anything once. Naturally, that leads to guys dabbling in some crazy shit. Does some of it really help them? Sure, probably. Is some of it just utter crap? Definitely. With that in mind, here are our choices for the eight strangest things some MMA fighters believe …

(“Phew…They didn’t catch me.”)

When word got out yesterday that Thiago Silva gave the Nevada State Athletic Commission a non-human urine sample following his UFC 125 win over Brandon Vera in January, everyone expected the American Top Team fighter to follow in the footsteps of predecessors like Josh Barnett, Royce Gracie and Sean Sherk and deny any wrongdoing.

Well, in spite of his attempt at skirting NSAC rules, Silva has proven himself to be a bigger man than they are (and no, we’re not talking about the commission’s recent claim that it will be hiring a professional hogwatcher) by admitting he screwed up.

In a statement he sent MMAJunkie today, Silva admits that he tampered with the test by using a “urine adulterant,” meaning a chemical compound that cases dirty urine to register a false negative reading when tested. There are several products on the marked that claim to beat drug tests and even “clean” synthetic urine that can be purchased online for such purposes.

Before we get into a pissing contest about who knows more about the science of beating urine tests, check out Silva’s explanation after the jump.

(That’s the face of a man who values his privacy. Photoprops: Esther Lin/Strikeforce)

You know, when I woke up this morning, I never expected to read a news story involving Kevin Randleman‘s possibly-fake penis. But unfortunately, I did — and since I can’t get that horrible image out of my head, you’re going to have to hear about it too. Here’s Nevada State Athletic Commission Executive Director Keith Kizer talking to MMAJunkie about the infamous Randleman-at-PRIDE 32 situation, which was the last time that his commission’s testing body has been burned by fake urine:

Kizer said Randleman’s deception began with the collection of his sample.

“What he did was he grabbed the inner-thigh of his shorts, kind of pulled it open, stuck out what we thought was the tip of his penis – it was the same color as the rest of his skin – and then urinated in the cup and gave it to our inspector,” he said…

(Ed. note: See, for me, that “same color as the rest of his skin” bit would be a dead giveaway. Everybody knows that wiener-skin is a shade darker than the rest of the guy it’s attached to. Come on, where were these NSAC guys licensed, anyway? Moving on…)

(Props: sxboxer)

Some selected highlights from our friends around the MMA blogosphere. E-mail feedback@cagepotato.com for details on how your site can join the MMA Link Club…

- Chael Sonnen’s Court Sentencing Postponed, Further Delaying UFC Return (MMA Fighting)

- UFC Fight Night 24 Results: 10 Best Moments From Nogueira vs. Davis Fight Card (BleacherReport.com/MMA)

- Brock Lesnar on ‘SportsCenter’: Look Out Junior, Here I Come (5thRound)

- Watch Every Fedor Emelianenko Action Scene From ‘The Salamander Key’ (MiddleEasy)

- Michael Bisping Labels Nate Marquardt as a “Steroid Cheat” and “Absolute Hypocrite” (Five Ounces of Pain)

- Submissions in the UFC: A Fond Look Back (MMA Convert)

- Mirko Cro Cop: A Career Retrospective (LowKick)

- Roufusport Voted America’s Top MMA Gym (Versus MMA Beat)

- Hector Lombard Scalps Joe Doerksen To Retain Title Belt at CFC 16 (Fight Magazine)

- Junior Dos Santos has Rock Climbing Skills (MMA-Scraps)

(Chael says: ‘A trio of good ol’ boys beat a gaggle of yes men any day.’)

Jake Shields mentioned in an interview he did with Joe Rogan during Saturday’s Ultimate Fight Night 24 broadcast that he was planning on bringing in Chael Sonnen to help him prepare for his April 30 UFC 129 match-up with UFC welterweight champ Georges St-Pierre.

According to MiddleEasy, he wasn’t just blowing smoke up our asses as the beleaguered UFC middleweight contender has offically arrived in the 209 with his Team Quest mate Matt Lindland in tow to help Shields prepare for GSP.

(Not so fast, buddy: Silva’s big win could cost him dearly. Photoprops: MMAGospel)

Reports about Thiago Silva‘s sketchy UFC 125 drug test results have been swirling since last month, and were allegedly the cause for Silva’s removal from a slated bout with Quinton Jackson at UFC 130, as well as Brandon Vera’s sudden un-firing. And even though Silva’s camp promised us that the light-heavyweight’s drug test would come back normal, the Nevada State Athletic Commission is telling a different story today. As the NSAC confirmed with FightersOnly and MMAJunkie, Silva is being accused of supplying a urine sample that was not from a human source.

Perhaps more than any other UFC contender, Clay Guida knows how to party. Earlier today, TMZ posted the above photo of the Carpenter funneling a beer during a Spring Break party-hosting gig in Lake Havasu. Look, not every cage-fighter has to abide by a squeaky clean lifestyle — even when they have a big match coming up. In fact, photos of Clay Guida with a drink in his hand are about as common as photos of Fabricio Werdum with a creepy expression on his face. In case you need proof, here are 11 more examples…

(“Business as usual,” should include putting on the best fights Zuffa can.)

Since Zuffa announced two weeks ago that it had purchased its closest competitor, Strikeforce, MMA fans and analysts have been clamoring for dream bouts that seemed impossible when the organizations were owned by two different companies.

Although UFC president Dana White has repeated the same three words since the news broke, “Business as usual,” and reports have emerged stating that there won’t likely be any cross-over bouts until Strikeforce’s current fighter contracts run out and they can be locked into new deals with the UFC, that doesn’t stop the inner fanboys in us from licking our chops over some of the fights we want to see happen in the Octagon (or Hexagon).

Check out our list of 20 intriguing post-Zuffa Strikeforce purchase fights we’d get behind.

(LargeMidget, Karmaatemycat, and Joe.)

Better late than never, right? Here’s the first installment of Jeff Watts‘s UFC 128/TUF 14 tryout saga. Thanks to everyone who helped make it possible, and stay tuned for more…

After waiting several weeks and training hard I left my humble abode with intentions to make the most out of an amazing experience. I remember driving to Milwaukee, WI, just thinking that no matter what happened, haters were going to hate and my real supporters were going to be there when the dust settled, and I was right. So I got a last minute flight to Newark, NJ, and arrived at my destination at 12am on Saturday, March 19th. I spent the remaining part of the night in the airport with other members of the gym. We checked into the hotel at 7am and spent the majority of Saturday morning sleeping.

Saturday March 19th
I woke up early afternoon and did what I had to do to get ready for the day. The Marriot in Newark had some really cool people working there; they gave the guys and I a quiet place to do some sparring and pad work. After working out I got a text message; I can’t remember who it came from but they essentially told me that LargeMidget had an extra ticket to UFC 128. I wasted no time getting his contact information and contacting him. He told me that he and his friend Joe were three hours out and had an extra ticket I could have, so I got some food in me and headed downtown.

(Meanwhile, Christian Morecraft picked up $500 for “Freakishly Long Tongue of the Night.” / Photo courtesy of UFC.com)

The competitors at Saturday’s UFC Fight Night 24: Nogueira vs. Davis card earned a total of $757,000 in disclosed salaries and bonuses, according to figures released by the Washington State Department of Licensing. Preliminary card fighter Johny Hendricks actually walked away with the biggest check of the night, earning $99,000 for 95 seconds of work against TJ Waldburger. Check out the full salary list below; keep in mind that the figures don’t include deductions for taxes, licensing fees, or insurance, or additional revenue from sponsorships and undisclosed “locker room bonuses.”

Phil Davis: $34,000 (includes $17,000 win bonus)
def. Antonio Rogerio Nogueira: $90,000

Anthony Johnson: $40,000 (includes $20,000 win bonus)
def. Dan Hardy: $25,000

Amir Sadollah: $40,000 (includes $20,000 win bonus)
def. DaMarques Johnson: $14,000

(Props: ironforgesiron.com)

Not only did Brock Lesnar avoid dropping The Other F-Bomb during yesterday’s appearance on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon, the former UFC heavyweight champion actually managed to come off as a fairly charming dude. Watch as Lesnar runs through his life story, explains his chest-tattoo and The Ultimate Fighter series, and — as is expected when you have a huge MMA fighter do a TV spot with a pencil-necked geek — chokes Jimmy out to end the segment. The book is called Death Clutch, and TUF 13 premieres tomorrow night on Spike.

After the jump: Lesnar does a longer and more serious interview with Ariel Helwani, in which he discusses his Ultimate Fighter coaching gig, gives his thoughts on Junior Dos Santos, and tries to make sense of his loss to Cain Velasquez.

Remember, kids: drugs are evil, and will only hold you back in life. (VidProps: TwisterEddie)

Ok, since you bitches obviously wanted to hear from Eddie B himself, he’s obliged you with this fifteen-minute analysis of the Twister from Saturday night. Some of you my find it of interest, since Eddie shouts out Rener and Ryron like everything is all Kool & the Gang, and he addresses that rumor that some of you have mentioned about this being a move from amateur wrestling, of all places. Honestly, now, submission wrestling? That’s just crazy talk.