sloths funny photos album covers
Iconic Album Covers Replaced With Sloths

October, 2012

Dave Bautista Gets New, Incredibly Beatable Opponent For Oct. 6 MMA Debut


(Vince Lucero vs. Tim Sylvia at a 2010 CFX event. We’re not sure if we’ve ever seen a more pathetic ending to a fight in our lives. On second thought…) 

Like many MMA fans out there, we are of two minds when it comes to Dave Bautista. On one hand, we should be applauding the former WWE star for having the cojones to step into the cage and give a sport as laborious and intense as MMA a try despite both his age and experience level saying that he should do just the opposite. On the other hand, he represents little more than another splash in the recent wave of professional wrestlers looking to exploit a sport they have little experience in and little desire to actually further.

More often than not, guys like Bautista, Bobby Lashley, and Brock Lesnar to a degree (TO A DEGREE) are not professional fighters in the purest sense of the word; they are opportunists who crossover to MMA looking to make a decent buck and get out before they hurt themselves too badly. For if they were seriously seeking a new career path, they would logically test themselves on the amateur circuit before diving head first into a sport in which ill preparation can lead to serious health issues in both the immediate and distant future. Although their participation in MMA in turn draws legions of new fans to the sport, it also cheapens the value of what it means to call oneself “a professional fighter.” Not to get on our soapbox here, but that is a title that should be earned through hard work and dedication, not a few months of sparring and pure name value.

So when it was announced that Bautista would be debuting against a guy who was clearly picked because his name resembled a certain former UFC champion, the world reacted with a collective “ugh.” But if you think that’s bad , just wait until you hear the story that led to Bautista’s new opponent, the 22-22 Vince Lucero you were introduced to in the above video.

Read More DIGG THIS

‘UFC on FX 5′ Exclusive: Jay Hieron’s Last Stand


(Just remember, Jay — no matter how many setbacks you suffer in life, there are still people who are much, much worse off than you are.)

By Andreas Hale

Last month, Jay Hieron (23-5 MMA, 0-2 UFC) was days away from making his return to the UFC for the first time in seven years when the proverbial rug was pulled out from under him. The now infamous series of events that resulted in the cancelation of UFC 151 left Heiron and others out in the cold as he was prepared to face Jake Ellenberger in a welterweight showdown that marked his first fight in the Octagon since 2005. But while many of the fighters on the 151 card panicked and wondered when and if they’d get the opportunity to fight again, Hieron took it in stride, patiently waited, and was rescheduled to face Ellenberger at UFC on FX 5: Browne vs. Bigfoot this Friday, October 5.

The Las Vegas-based fighter has been in this situation before. He was supposed to fight on the Affliction: Trilogy card in 2009 that ended up being canned, and a Strikeforce welterweight title shot against Nick Diaz later that year was shuttered after Diaz failed to get licensed by the California State Athletic Commission. It’s like Hieron walked under a ladder and broke a mirror while a black cat crossed his path.

“People were saying that I am cursed,” the Xtreme Couture fighter says with a hearty laugh. “At the end of the day, if there isn’t a twist on it for me then something isn’t right. I’ve learned to embrace all these things that surround the fight game. I’m never surprised.”

So, seriously, what’s a few more weeks when you’ve waited seven long years since your last UFC fight?

Read More DIGG THIS

‘TUF 16′ Episode 3 Draws 775k Viewers, Sets New Record for Worst Ratings in Show’s History


(What if they threw a mattress into a pool…and nobody came? / Props: CageWall.com)

I’m sure a lot of you couldn’t care less how many people are watching The Ultimate Fighter — and yeah, we’re beginning to sound like a broken record at this point — but you’ll have to forgive us, because we have a perverse, car-crash-rubbernecker fascination with how low these numbers are dropping. As MMA Junkie informs us, episode 3 of TUF 16: Team Carwin vs. Team Nelson took in just 775,000 viewers, which sets a brand-new record for lowest viewership of a TUF episode. The previous record-holder was the eleventh episode of last season, which pulled in 821,000 viewers.

TUF 16′s viewership numbers have sunk about 18% from the premiere’s, which were shaky to begin with. While the 0.5 rating that Friday’s episode drew in the Adult 18-49 demographic was good enough for #4 in its timeslot among cable programming — behind re-runs of American Dad, Law & Order: SVU, and Diners, Drive Ins & Dives — it finished 98th out the top 100 shows on Friday night in terms of total viewers.

As Dana White might say, that’s an absolute home run and we should shut the fuck up. But still, the audience is simply not sticking around from week to week. So instead of making a new post every time TUF hits a dubious new ratings record, we’ll just ask you: How low will the viewership get this season? Throw your guesses in the comments section, and the closest guess wins a CagePotato t-shirt at the end of the season. We’ll start: 660,000. Your move.

Read More DIGG THIS

Random Factoid of the Day: Forrest Griffin Took Xanax The Night Before Being Decimated by Anderson Silva at UFC 101


(In retrospect, this news should not come as a huge surprise.)

While appearing on a recent edition of MMAFighting’s The MMA Hour, former light heavyweight champion Forrest Griffin informed Ariel Helwani that following his UFC 101 loss to Anderson Silva back in 2009, he failed his post-fight drug test. No, not for elevated levels of testosterone, but for Xanax of all things:

I failed my drug test I think for Xanax. I had a doctor’s prescription, I was just, I didn’t do it before the fight, I did it the night before, I was nervous and I couldn’t sleep.

Why this failed test was not made public by the Pennsylvania State Athletic Commission is anyone’s guess, but we’re going to assume that Griffin was simply given a pass because he was essentially fed to the wolves over an open flame. That, and it seems that the idea of fighting Silva is enough to make any of his opponents at LHW become suddenly dependent on an outside prescription for one thing or another. Just ask James Irvin.

Read More DIGG THIS

[VIDEO] Karo Parisyan Submits Hapless Opponent at Gladiator Challenge: King of the Mountain


(Karo Parisyan: A beast when he wins, a Hollywood cliche when he loses.)

Did someone say King of the mountain?

It may be a long time before we see Karo Parisyan competing in a top level promotion again, but he took one step closer by utterly destroying Anonymous Tatted-up Opponent #237 (known professionally as, we shit you not, Tiger Bonds) at Gladiator Challenge: King of the Mountain over the weekend. It was Parisyan’s second victory in his past three contests, which is only made less than impressive when you consider that his other win came over Thomas Denny. And that he had dropped four of his past five before that. But hey, we’re taking the optimistic approach today, so all you haters can suck a bag of dicks.

Video after the jump.

Read More DIGG THIS

Knockout of the Day: Unlucky Brazilian Gets Front-Kick KO’d, Then Flying Knee KO’d [GIF]


(Props: caposa on the UG)

This gif comes to us from Saturday’s Jungle Fight event in Sao Paulo, where Nova Uniao product Ari Santos made short work of opponent Robert Fonseca, finishing him in just 63 seconds. Anytime the Seagal Kick is landed in MMA competition, it’s worth mentioning — but Santos picks up mad style points by dazing Fonseca with a front kick, then lowering the boom with a jaw-crumbling flying knee. Ari Santos, you are officially on our radar!

If you’re interested in seeing a very crappy, TV-shot version of the complete fight, we got you covered after the jump.

Read More DIGG THIS

UFC on FUEL 5 Wrap-Up: Stefan Struve’s Emotional Post-Fight Interview & Full Post-Fight Press Conference [VIDEOS]

Aside from displaying a much improved striking game in his second round TKO win over up-and-coming prospect Stipe Miocic last weekend, veteran heavyweight Stefan Struve put to rest all of the speculation regarding his chin (at least for the moment) by successfully eating the Clevelander’s best punches without looking much worse for the wear. But what most of the general public was completely unaware of heading into last weekend’s main event was the plight of Struve’s father, who had been diagnosed with cancer just a couple months ago and has been battling the disease ever since.

Obviously the news did not come easy to Struve, who was training for his fight with Miocic at the time, but the Dutchman managed to push through the onslaught of emotions and turn in a Brett Favre-esque performance on Saturday night. It wasn’t until his victorious post-fight interview that Struve brought everything to light, breaking down in heartrending fashion:

My dad [found out he had] cancer two months ago. He’s in therapy. He’s doing well, but, still. Yeah, I’ve been wanting to go home. It will be good to go home and see him again.

Having recently lost a family member to cancer, I can tell you first hand how difficult a process it is to deal with for all parties involved. I’m sure many of you readers could say the same. But like Struve said, his father is doing fine for the time being, so Struve should rest assured that he will be bringing his biggest victory inside the octagon home with him. We here at CP would like to let the Struve family know that our thoughts and prayers are with them in this difficult time. If Stefan’s performances inside the octagon are any indication, we imagine that his father will likely beat that pussy cancer inside of three rounds.

After the jump: A full video of the UFC on FUEL 5 post-fight press conference in which Dana White discusses his broner for Brad Pickett, pokes fun at the emotionless cyborg known as Gunnar Nelson, and tells everyone who thought the card sucked to stick it “right up your ass.” If only the President of this great nation could be so frank.

Read More DIGG THIS

Rashad Evans Becomes the Latest UFC Fighter to Turn Down Glover Teixeira


(It’s not that Rashad hasn’t been training — it’s that he’s only been training in the loosest, most Hawaiian sense of the word.)

Has Glover Teixeira become the most ducked fighter in the UFC? Mauricio “Shogun” Rua allegedly wanted nothing to do with him. Stephan Bonnar refused to fight him on the basis of twitter count. And now Rashad Evans has admitted to turning down a proposed match against the Brazilian light-heavyweight up-and-comer at UFC 153, due to the short-notice nature of the fight.

If you’ll recall, Teixeira was originally supposed to face Quinton Jackson at the October 13th event in Rio, before Rampage went down with an elbow injury. The UFC then asked Evans to come in as a replacement, but couldn’t make a deal with him. As Evans explained on the UFC on FUEL TV 5 post-fight show:

They offered me a fight, but it was against Glover Teixeira and I only had three weeks to fight and I haven’t been training. I was like, ‘no way, not with that notice in Brazil.’”

Perhaps the fans weren’t as supportive of this choice as Rashad was expecting them to be, because he got on twitter yesterday to explain himself even further:

Read More DIGG THIS

MMA Stats: The Least Decision-Prone UFC Fighters of All Time [UPDATED]


(If James Irvin was a super-hero, his arch-nemesis would be Dr. Fitchtopus. / Photo courtesy of fcfighter.com)

Last week, we described Stefan Struve as “one of the least decision-prone fighters on the UFC roster,” and after he ended yet another fight this weekend before the final bell, we started to wonder — how accurate was that statement, anyway? And who else ranks near the Dutch heavyweight in terms of low decision ratio within the Octagon? So, we assembled a list of the UFC fighters (past and present) who have been least likely to meet the judges; for the purposes of this list, we only considered fighters who have made at least eight UFC appearances.

[Update: After having some knowledge dropped on us by @MMADecisions, we've expanded this list beyond a top-ten.]

As it turns out, Struve comes in at #5 among active UFC fighters, and shares the same decision ratio (8.33%) as Royce Gracie. But there are 11 fighters in front of him on the all-time list, led by welterweight crowd-pleaser DaMarques Johnsoncursed slugger James Irvin, and UFC pioneer Don Frye, who all managed to make it through 10 UFC appearances without ever going to decision. And now, the leaderboard…

DaMarques Johnson: 10 UFC fights, 0 decisions, 0% decision ratio
James Irvin:
10 UFC fights, 0 decisions, 0% decision ratio
Don Frye: 10 UFC fights, 0 decisions, 0% decision ratio
Drew McFedries: 9 UFC fights, 0 decisions, 0% decision ratio
Charles Oliveira: 8 UFC fights*, 0 decisions, 0% decision ratio
Ryan Jensen:
8 UFC fights, 0 decisions, 0% decision ratio
Jason Lambert: 8 UFC fights, 0 decisions, 0% decision ratio
Gary Goodridge8 UFC fights, 0 decisions, 0% decision ratio
Jason MacDonald: 14 UFC fights, 1 decision, 7.14% decision ratio

Read More DIGG THIS
CagePotatoMMA