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January, 2014

Traditional Martial Arts Fail of the Week: The Awful Predecessor of Tae Bo


(Video via Break.com)

Remember Billy Blanks’ Tae Bo—the progenitor of those cardio kickboxing programs littering gyms across the country, the ones soccer moms sign up for to lose baby weight AND learn “self defense”?

Well, it turns out Mr. Blanks wasn’t the first to simultaneously bastardize aerobics and martial arts.

This week on CagePotato’s Traditional Martial Arts Fail, we’re happy to share with you the mitochondrial eve of shitty cardio kickboxing: A 1980s video merging dubious self defense techniques and Richard Simmons-like aerobics.

There’s not a whole lot of information about who’s behind this hilariously bad style of “fighting” (and it is hilarious). You won’t regret watching this, trust us. There are loads of nut shots, twerking, and they even suggest using your ass as a weapon—no joke.

If you see any video that’s good (or bad) enough to make the cut, let us know! Send it to tips@cagepotato.com.

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You Might Want to Stay Away from the UFC Fight Pass for a While (Oh Yeah, the UFC Had a Card This Morning Too)


(The UFC, where tapping out doesn’t matter, like the points in “Whose Line is It Anyway?” / Photo Via Getty)

Like communism, the UFC Fight Pass sounds amazing on paper.

For $10/month, not only do you get to see a bunch of overseas cards not aired in the United States, you get access to the UFC’s entire video library—which includes fights from the WEC and Pride, as well as episodes from TUF.

It wouldn’t have been a bad deal if the UFC’s execution hadn’t been lacking in all departments.

FightOpinion, a firebrand MMA website that has recently earned the ire of Dana White, extensively covered the UFC Fight Pass, and not the fluff coverage the paid for media often provides for anything Zuffa-owned. If you want the dirt on the UFC Fight Pass, FightOpinion has the shovel. They ran three articles on the star-crossed streaming service. You should read each one.

Here’s what they concluded:

-The UFC Fight Pass isn’t worth the money, especially when you consider that you have to pay for 13 PPVs throughout the year as well. It costs over $700 a year to be a UFC fan.

-The UFC Fight Pass doesn’t even work from a promotional point of view; the pay wall ensures that the fighters who need exposure most won’t get it.

-The UFC Fight Pass pales in comparison to the WWE’s digital network, a sentiment we share.

-The UFC Fight Pass is lacking a plethora of features that are standard issue on other digital streaming networks (i.e. Netflix, Hulu, etc). It’s also in dire need of polish. An example they give is that searching for “UFC 1″ will give you every single event starting with “UFC” and “1″, so you’ll get UFC 1, 10, 11…100, 101, etc.)

-The legalese in the UFC Fight Pass’ terms of use agreement is binding and horrific (although this isn’t unique to the UFC).

But FightOpinion wasn’t the only MMA Media outlet to have doubts about the UFC Fight Pass. MMA Mania’s Matt Roth went on a twitter rant against the service. Even worse, he says that the UFC charged him for watching fights on the Fight Pass—fights that your monthly $10 is purportedly granting you access to.

It’s clear that the Fight Pass is a half-finished cash grab that’s held together by duct tape. If you buy it in its current, faulty incarnation, you’re either a mark for the UFC or an MMA media member (though there’s a lot of crossover here). Stay away from the fight pass for a while longer. It’s not ready for public consumption.

However, that didn’t stop the UFC from airing its first card on the UFC Fight Pass: UFC Fight Night 34, an event that was held in Singapore this morning.

For the most part, there wasn’t a whole lot of game-changing stuff to happen on this event. We’ll give you a quick rundown with some GIFs (all courtesy of @ZProphet_MMA) and then the complete results:

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Gilbert Melendez vs. Khabib Nurmagomedov Scrapped From UFC 170, Because Dana White Said So


(He may look happy, but everyone knows that is Nurmagomedov’s *sad* afro. Photo via Getty.)

Keeping with the UFC’s recently instituted tradition of announcing a fight and immediately shuffling it to another card or cancelling it outright, it appears that the exciting matchup between top lightweight contenders Gilbert Melendez and Khabib Nurmagomedov has been scrapped from UFC 170. Dana White elaborated on the cancellation in an interview with FOX Sports yesterday:

Not happening.

OK, so maybe “elaborate” wasn’t the best word to use there.

Melendez vs,. Nurmagomedov was made official in the wake of UFC 168 last weekend, but details are still scarce as to why the fight has suddenly been cancelled. Official CP theory: The bears finally had their revenge on the Nurmagomedov family. Both “The Nurm” and Melendez are coming off big wins, over Pat Healy and Diego Sanchez at UFC 165 and 166, respectively, so the fight made perfect sense from a matchmaking standpoint. Be that as it may, the UFC is currently seeking a replacement opponent for the Russian.

Who would you like to see Nurmagomedov fight next, Nation? Michael Johnson? Edson Barboza? Little Moe with the gimpy leg? Give us a shout in the comments section.

-J. Jones

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Friday Link Dump: GSP’s Belt Allegedly Stolen, Complete List of 2013 UFC Injuries, Russian Dash Cam Car Chase + More


(Anderson Silva, on crutches, just takin’ it one day at a time. / Props: ZombieProphet)

UFC 168 Garners Huge Interest, But Nothing on the Horizon Can Match It (MMAFighting)

Georges St-Pierre Said Belt Was Taken After UFC 167 Bout with Johny Hendricks (BleacherReport)

Year in UFC Injuries: Full List of All Injured UFC Fighters in 2013 (MMAMania)

The Best MMA Writing of 2013: Brian D’Souza on the Failure of the MMA Media (BloodyElbow)

A ‘Realist’ About His Own Career, Retired UFC Fighter Jorge Rivera Turns Focus to Others (MMAJunkie)

10 Worst Sports Plays of the Year for 2013 (EveryJoe)

Check Out The Latest Insanely Bad Ass Russian Dash Cam Car Chase (UPROXX)

The 15 Best Nutella Recipes Ever (HiConsumption)

The Most Anticipated Car Debuts of 2014 (Complex)

Norm MacDonald Is a Terrible Spokesman (Break)

14 Foods to Kick Out of Your Kitchen Forever (MensFitness)

Living the Pirate Life in Assassin’s Creed IV (The Escapist)

Celebrity Race Reversals (WorldWideInterweb)

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Quote of the Day: Chris Weidman and Vitor Belfort Will Throw Down in AMERICA, Thank You Very Much


(And the text from Keith Kizer read: “NOT ON MY WATCH, PLAYBOY.” Photo via Getty.

We often get accused of “hating” on Vitor Belfort — then again, we often get accused of “hating” on many MMA fighters we poke fun at — for noting the often hilarious contradictions he makes regarding his usage of TRT. One day, he needs it to survive. The next, he’s willing to go off the treatment for a title shot. And God forbid you see the guy on Sundays

It’s not that we haven’t appreciated seeing Belfort transform into Blanka from Street Fighter over the past couple of years, it’s just that his career resurgence has been somewhat marred in our (and many fans) eyes by his usage of what many would consider an unnecessary and unfair advantage. These qualms are somewhat validated by the fact that Belfort has been tucked away in Brazil for his past few highlight reel wins and all but banned from using TRT in Nevada on account of his past steroid usage.

Thankfully, it appears that all our worries regarding the legitimacy of Belfort’s resurgence will be put to rest when he receives the middleweight title shot he was promised after knocking out Dan Henderson. According to Lorenzo Fertitta in an interview with ESPN, Belfort will be facing off with Chris Weidman in Las Vegas, ‘MURICA this summer. His quote is after the jump.

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‘WTF?’ Video of the Day: Musangwe Fighter Gets KO’d, Is Given Furious Handjob CPR


(Props: Musangwe. Kinda NSFW)

“In Musangwe it is believed that stimulating the male sexual organs after a knockout increases their chances of surviving.”

This bit of folksy medical wisdom comes from the video description of “MUSANGWE KNOCKOUT- MOST DARING CPR!“, which just came to our attention this morning even though it’s been floating around for few days. (Apologies if you’ve already seen it; we were pretty much off the grid over New Year’s Eve/New Year’s Day. So…2014, eh? How ’bout that.)

As Gawker explains, Musangwe “is a form of bare-knuckle fist fighting traditionally practiced by the Venda people of South Africa.” And apparently, the rough, frantic handjob that the knockout-victim receives in the video isn’t punishment for losing — they’re trying to save his life. Still, once you add in the water-bucket it starts to look like an especially brutal fraternity hazing. I don’t know, man. There’s got to be an easier way.

My theory: At a certain point, that dude was just pretending to be asleep.

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Dong Hyun Kim vs. John Hathaway Booked for TUF China Finale Headliner; Menjivar vs. Hioki Win-or-Get-Fired Fight Also Added


(Kim’s Knockout of the Night-winning comeback KO of Erick Silva at UFC Fight Night 29 in October. / Video via FoxSports)

Coming off three consecutive victories against Paulo Thiago, Siyar Bahadurzada, and Erick Silva, South Korean welterweight Dong Hyun Kim is one of the most successful Asian fighters currently competing in the UFC. Naturally, the UFC has booked him to headline the TUF China Finale, which goes down March 1st at the CotaiArena in Macau. Kim will face British vet John Hathaway, who is riding his own three-fight win streak, although against somewhat weaker competition. Plus, Hathaway was inactive for all of 2013 due to ulcerative colitis, so yeah, this kind of feels like a squash match. The fight will be scheduled for five rounds; neither Kim nor Hathaway has ever competed in a five-rounder before.

Meanwhile, on the other end of the contender spectrum, TopMMANews is reporting that Hatsu Hioki and Ivan Menjivar will face off in a featherweight bout at the TUF China Finale that could end with the loser getting the axe. Once considered to be one of the greatest featherweights in the world, Hioki has struggled to find his footing in the UFC, and has lost three consecutive decisions to Ricardo Lamas, Clay Guida, and Darren Elkins. As for Menjivar, the “Pride of El Salvador” went 0-2 in 2013, dropping fights against Urijah Faber and Wilson Reis.

The TUF China Finale will stream live on UFC Fight Pass, that online subscription thing that the promotion has been hawking lately, which means that most of you probably won’t see these fights anyway. Personally, we’re going to hold off on signing up until we’re sure that the shy yoga instructor has been added to the card, hopefully in a match against Bobby Ologun. Make it happen, Mark.

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And Now He’s Retired: Din Thomas, Veteran of the “Olden Age,” Steps Away After 15-Year MMA Career


(Thomas lands some leather on Josh Neer during their UFC Fight Night 13 bout in April 2008. / Photo via Getty)

When Din Thomas made his professional MMA debut in October 1998, Bill Clinton was president of the United States, Google had only existed for about a month, and Ronda Rousey and Jon Jones were both eleven years old. Over the course of his 15-year career, Thomas waged war with the biggest lightweight names of his era — including BJ Penn, Jens Pulver, Matt Serra, and Caol Uno — and re-launched himself into the MMA spotlight in 2006 with an appearance on TUF 4 and a subsequent string of wins over Rich Clementi, Clay Guida, and Jeremy Stephens.

After leaving the UFC in 2008, Thomas reinvented himself as a featherweight, winning his next three fights by stoppage. But in recent years, Thomas’s career momentum has ground to a halt. There was his canceled freak-show against Ricardo Mayorga in May 2010, followed by a car accident on the way to a scheduled match in October 2011. There was a suspension and no-contest after his win over Cody Bollinger in May 2012, and a decision loss to Georgi Karakhanyan at LFC 19 last April. But watching some of his old-school peers go down at UFC 168 was the last straw, and Din Thomas announced his retirement yesterday via the following press release:

UFC 168, Weidman vs Silva, could have driven the last nail in the coffin of any idea that anybody from my era could still be champion. Anderson Silva failed to re-claim his title after suffering the 2 [worst] losses of his career to the undefeated, Chris Weidman. Whether Silva manages to ever return to the Octagon or not, this fight was career ending. Josh Barnett, our last heavyweight hopeful was unsuccessful at moving closer to owning the UFC heavyweight title that he once owned. His plans were foiled by Travis Browne. This trend is not necessarily a testament of the evolution of the new UFC athlete, but provides further evidence that my colleagues from the Golden Age of MMA are now of the “Olden Age” of MMA.

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Ruptured Appendix Knocks Jason High Out of UFC Fight Night 35; Charlie Brenneman to Replace Him on Two Weeks’ Notice


(“Fuck appendicitis & anybody that love him.” — Actual quote from @KCBanditMMA)

UFC welterweight Jason High was scheduled to face an undefeated Octagon newbie named Beneil Dariush on the main card of UFC Fight Night 35 (January 15th, Duluth; GA), but has been forced out of the bout due to appendicitis. As High explained on twitter:

Ruptured appendix… On New Year’s Day. See y’all bitches after surgery. F word…Oh & btw morphine is trash & dilauded kicks all kinds of ass. First time I’ve ever had to pull out of a fight for any reason. Won’t be making a habit of it.

Coming in to replace High on just two weeks’ notice is Pennsylvania-based scrapper Charlie “The Spaniard” Brenneman, who was released by the UFC following his quick TKO loss to Kyle Noke in September 2012. Brenneman went 4-0 on the regional circuit in 2013, and now has another chance to make his mark in the UFC. During his previous stint in the Octagon in 2010-2012, Brenneman scored notable decision victories over Rick Story and (coincidentally) Jason High, but also suffered stoppage losses against Johny Hendricks, Anthony Johnson, and Erick Silva.

Brenneman vs. Dariush is one of those strange UFC fights where two replacement opponents wind up facing each other. Dariush was himself a replacement for High’s original opponent, Adlan Amagov, who withdrew from the fight two weeks ago due to undisclosed personal reasons.

Update: The fight will be held at lightweight, the weight class Brenneman has been competing at for the last year.

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UFC Rankings Expand to Include Top 15 Contenders, Basically Because of Tyron Woodley


(Photo via Getty)

Earlier this week, the UFC’s award-winning media rankings (officially known as the “UFC Rankings presented by RAM“) expanded from a list of the top 10 contenders in each division to a list of the top 15 contenders in each division. So why is this important? It’s not. Nothing about the UFC rankings is important in any way whatsoever. But the timing is awfully convenient.

As you may recall, welterweight contender Tyron Woodley is facing Carlos Condit in a #1 contender fight at UFC 171 in March. Originally, UFC president Dana White dismissed this matchup because Woodley wasn’t ranked. But shortly thereafter, Woodley got the fight anyway, mostly because he was the best 170-pounder available at that exact moment.

It would seem silly to put on a #1 contender match between the current #2 welterweight contender and a guy with (NR) next to his name. And so, the UFC arbitrarily expanded their rankings to include the top 15 contenders in each division — and that, my friends, is why Tyron Woodley is now officially ranked at #11.

In related news, Scott Jorgensen is currently ranked as the #12 flyweight contender in the UFC, despite a lifetime record of 0-1 at 125 pounds, and Chael Sonnen is still ranked higher at light-heavyweight than he is at middleweight. Don’t even get us started.

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