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January, 2014

CagePotato Roundtable #30: If You Took an MMA Fight, What Song Would You Walk Out To?


(Respect the legend.)

It’s safe to assume that most of you reading this have at least entertained the notion of taking an MMA fight. If you have, you’ve probably also given some thought as to the song that you would want playing as you made your walk to the cage. In today’s CagePotato Roundtable, we’re sharing our staff picks for the songs that we would use as entrance music — songs that get us fired up and would (hopefully) enhance the experience that is watching live MMA for those in attendance. Read on for our picks, and please continue to send your best ideas for future CagePotato Roundtable topics to tips@cagepotato.com.

Jared Jones

There aren’t many scenarios in which suddenly being thrown into an MMA fight would not end in a violent, just pitiful death for me. That being the case, I’d want my entrance song to reflect my acceptance of this fate, while also being something that transcends all musical genres and really, all of humanity. What can I say? I’m a simple guy. I would want my entrance song to tell the attending audience that, contrary to the urine stain on my shorts, I do not fear death and in fact am fully prepared to torture my opponent’s body so that his soul will be humble. For God is the teacher, I am his instrument, and his lessons are so…beautiful… (*smears pig blood on chest*)

Only one song meets all of the above criteria: “The Host of Seraphim” by Dead Can Dance.

You’re probably familiar with Dead Can Dance even if you don’t think you are. Aside from the fact that their haunting, neo-classical world tunes have been featured in countless films (“Seraphim”, for instance, was featured in The Mist), Lisa Gerrard — who along with Brendan Perry makes up DCD — is a singer, composer, and musician whose voice has appeared on such iconic film soundtracks as Gladiator, Man on Fire, and Black Hawk Down. But for those of you who might not be familiar with the greatest musical group to come out of Australia in ever, I’d recommend that you check out their impressive catalog of work, which spans over 20 years and eight studio albums. A few of my favorite tracks: “Rakim,” “Ulysses,” “Sanvean” and “Spirit.”

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Keith Jardine Emerges From Obscurity, Brings a Notorious Mail Thief to Justice


(Props: KRQE)

By Shep Ramsey

Last Thursday, Keith Jardine was chilling at home in Albuquerque, New Mexico, possibly finding the best torrents available to catch last week’s episode of Workaholics, when he spotted some dude pull up to his mailbox.

A convicted home-burglar named Richard Davenport rolled up to the driveway, opened Jardine’s mailbox, took his envelopes and began to flee.

Jardine then got into his Ford Bronco and decided to take matters into his own hands. The Dean of Mean chased down the mail-thief, slammed his truck right in front of Davenport, pulled him out of his car and held him until police arrived.

“I reached back like I was going to hit him and right then he yielded to everything,” said Jardine, who sounds like he’d be a truly awful cellmate. Jardine added that Davenport played dumb at first, saying he was picking up the mail for a friend. Take it away, The Rock.

If you haven’t already, please check out the news segment at the top of this post, featuring an amazing reenactment of the incident that would make Unsolved Mysteries pretty jealous. Did you notice that Davenport was wearing a fucking PRIDE FC sweatshirt? Seriously, is this a setup? Is he a crazed fan who wanted Jardine’s Brazzers account password so he could be like him? Is it one of the shady promoters from the Dominican Republic who opted to pay Jardine, and then decided to take it back?

Maybe it was just a coincidence that this idiot was dressed like an MMA fan. Whatever the case may be, the semi-retired Jardine picked up his first win in almost three years. Gotta love a happy ending.

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Report: Tito Ortiz Charged With Two Counts of DUI Following Most Recent Car Crash, Faces Up to Six Months in Jail


(“Police at the scene became suspicious of a possible DUI when the driver exited his car and asked quote ‘What seems to be the officer, problem?’ Back to you in the studio, Jim.”)

I should start by confessing that the above photo is not the result of Tito Ortiz’s latest vehicular mishap, but rather, one of the top Google search results for “hilarious car wrecks.” But the mere fact that I have to clear this up should tell you a lot about Ortiz’s chances of making the leap from fighter to chauffeur now that his MMA career is pretty much over.

In any case, it appears that Ortiz has allegedly been charged with two counts of DUI stemming from his early morning arrest a couple weeks ago. I say “allegedly” because the source reporting on the former LHW champion’s arrest is TMZ:

Former MMA champ Tito Ortiz has been charged with two counts of DUI … after crashing his Porsche into a concrete median back in January, TMZ Sports has learned. 

The 38-year-old fighter was arrested on January 6th … when cops say he blew a .12 on the breathalyzer, following the 4am crash on an L.A. freeway.  

If convicted, Ortiz faces up to 6 months in jail and a $1,000 fine — but since it’s his first offense, he probably won’t do any time. Instead, he’ll likely only be sentenced to probation and will be required to complete an alcohol education course. 

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Gross Video of the Day: Gabriel Gonzaga’s Broken Hand Can Also Be Used as a Flotation Device

The hard-flung overhand rights that Gabriel Gonzaga launched at Stipe Miocic during Saturday’s UFC on FOX 10 co-main event may have hurt him worse than they hurt his opponent. Gonzaga came out strong in the first round of the heavyweight scrap, only to grow visibly fatigued and inactive as the fight wore on. Ultimately, “Napao” lost a unanimous decision.

Breaking his right hand early in the fight may or may not have had a lot to do with that, but what is for darn sure is that the Brazilian’s paw was straight jacked-up after the bout. MMA House has released a video of a hand they say is Gonzaga’s taken from what appears to be backstage in the United Center or a hospital room Saturday night.

Check it out above. If you’re a hearty soul, go ahead and try it while eating lunch.

The top of “Napao’s” hand is cartoonishly swollen and puffy, kind of like there’s a fat stack of oatmeal cookies underneath his skin. Why did my mind choose that as an analogy? Is it bad that now I want cookies?

Anyway, Gonzaga deserves a cookie after that disgusting injury, especially after losing. Go get yours, ‘Zaga.

- Elias Cepeda

Related: Gross Photo of the Day: Anthony Njokuani’s Hand Doesn’t Even Look Like a Hand Anymore

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Ranking the 5 Best Signature Submissions in UFC History


(Farm Boy Strength: No can defense. Photo via Getty.)

In the brief history of the UFC, there have been a handful of submissions so unique, so brilliant, so positively Raven that they became synonymous with the fighters who dared attempt them in the octagon. That a sport as old as jiu-jitsu is still capable of evolving and expanding its techniques is a credit to the dedication and inventiveness of the modern mixed martial artist, and a fact that has led to many a thrilling moment inside the cage.

Recently, UGer Tycho made the painstaking effort of cataloging and graphing every single submission ever executed in the octagon by frequency. Not wanting to let such a thorough and digestible work simply come and go, we decided to focus on the rarest of rarities, the aforementioned “signature” submissions, and rank them according to brutality, ingenuity, and of course, brutality. Enjoy.

#5 – The Hughes Headlock (a.k.a “Dave Schultz Front Headlock”)

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UFC on FOX 10: Henderson vs. Thomson — The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly


(Adriano Martins’s kick-face: Ugly, but fantastic. / Screen-shot via CP reader 5knuckleshuffle)

By Mark Dorsey

It’s starting to become a tradition to bring the UFC to Chicago in January, and this time it was particularly cold in the Windy City for UFC on FOX 10. While the preliminary fights provided a lot of excitement, the main card was dragged down by some dull moments. Nevertheless, there’s still quite a lot of stuff to talk about so join us for a final look back at the event with a Clint Eastwood-esque squinty-eyed glare.

The Good

UFC on FOX Production. At this point, the production of the UFC on FOX series is crisp, well-paced, and truly hitting its stride. The broadcast-introduction they’ve been doing with Ving Rhames narrating the story of the main event fighters while suspenseful music plays in the background was intense, as always. (It kicks the ass of the nu-metal “Bring the Pain” intro from the UFC pay-per-views, at least). Hopefully they keep Marsellus Wallace around.

The Fox analyst crew also did a great job, adding even more professionalism to the proceedings. The enthusiastic Daniel Cormier sounded like a seasoned pro joking about gumbo and jambalaya next to old staples Brian Stann and Curt Menefee. The only drawback about the analysts was that they weren’t used enough. The more time they spend breaking down the fights and analyzing the fighters’ skill-sets, the better. In fact, I’d love to see the broadcast kick back to the desk in between every fight, which would help new fans get more familiar with the fighters and wrap their heads around what they just saw.

Cowboy. Donald Cerrone‘s performance was one of the few highlights in an otherwise lackluster main card. Joe Rogan and Mike Goldberg were doing their best to hype Adriano Martins as a worthy opponent, but despite the fact that Martins looked pretty good for a guy Cowboy had never heard of, Cerrone completely out-classed him. Cerrone was patient, picking his shots in the first round until he finally caught Martins with his hands down and landed a knockout shin kick to the head.

After the KO, Cerrone could have landed another shot to his unconscious opponent but to his credit he held back and didn’t follow up with an unnecessary punch. In fact, his calmness after the fight was chilling. The old adage in football when you score a touchdown is to act like you’ve been there before; that’s exactly what Cerrone did, looking like a stone-cold killer.

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Rousimar Palhares vs. Steve Carl Title Fight Booked for World Series of Fighting 9 Main Event


(Props: The UG)

After signing Rousimar Palhares in November, World Series of Fighting is fast-tracking the unpredictable heel-hook artist to a title fight against the promotion’s reigning welterweight champ, Steve Carl. MMAJunkie reports that Carl vs. Palhares will headline WSOF 9, March 29th at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas. The event will be co-headlined by the inaugural WSOF bantamweight title fight between Marlon Moraes and Josh Rettinghouse.

A former Bellator vet, Steve Carl has won his last seven fights including three consecutive submission victories under the WSOF banner. His fourth-round triangle-choke of Josh Burkman won him World Series of Fighting’s 170-pound title back in October.

Palhares, of course, is the Brazilian maniac who was fired by the UFC for holding onto Mike Pierce’s leg after the referee intervened at UFC Fight Night 29 — the final straw in a controversial UFC career that included a similar incident against Tomasz Drwal, an elevated testosterone bust, and repeated episodes of excessive flexing. World Series of Fighting has already warned Palhares that they won’t tolerate any crazy behavior on their watch. Unfortunately, Palhares has the mind of a jungle-native and the impulse-control of an excited five-year-old at California Pizza Kitchen.

Palhares’s upcoming fight against Carl will be a much-needed opportunity to prove that he can behave like a professional, and we truly hope he can straighten out his head. But either way, kudos to World Series of Fighting for getting us to actually care about a Steve Carl title defense. This one should be interesting, folks…

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Quote of the Day: ‘Cole Miller Is a Turd the UFC Hasn’t Flushed Yet,’ Says Donald Cerrone


(Advantage: Clownboy. / Photo by Esther Lin for MMAFighting.com)

Donald Cerrone‘s appearance at UFC on FOX 10 on Saturday night couldn’t have gone any better: He destroyed Adriano Martins in the first round of their main card fight, picked up another $50,000 Knockout of the Night bonus for his efforts — which is already gone like a fart in the wind, unfortunately — and got a chance to publicly respond to Cole Miller’s semi-awkward challenge of him earlier this month. Here’s what Cerrone said at the “Henderson vs. Thomson” post-fight press conference:

Cole Miller is a turd the UFC hasn’t flushed yet,” said Cerrone. “I think the UFC is totally against me going to 145 [pounds]. I couldn’t drink delicious, full-bodied Budweisers, so that would be a lifestyle change. I don’t know if I’m committed to that. Cole Miller, win some fights and then come see me. You’re at the ass-end of a long line of people. We’ll see.

That right there is a solid early front-runner for Press Conference Diss of the Year. But look, nobody really cares about two guys from different weight classes squabbling with each other over some old, petty bullshit. What’s important is Cerrone’s future in the lightweight division now that he has a win streak going again. And as it turns out, Donald has some ambitious plans for 2014…

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The Benson Henderson Problem


(Photo via Getty)

Benson “Smooth” Henderson is a talented fighter with a knack for winning the fights he loses. But on the oft-overlooked business side of MMA, Henderson is a dud.

As champion, he consistently failed to move the needle in terms of PPV buys and ratings. His rematch against Frankie Edgar at UFC 150 drew a paltry 190,000 buys—one of the worst buyrates in recent UFC history.

The UFC shipped Henderson off to FOX for his next two outings, presumably to build his name via fighting on a massive television network. Henderson headlined UFC on FOX 5 and UFC on FOX 7. They both earned modest numbers, with the former receiving an average of 3.41 million viewers (1.6 rating in the adult 18-49 demo) and the latter 3.3 million viewers (1.6 rating in the adult 18-49 demo).

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And Now He’s (Possibly) Retired: Josh Thomson Says “This Might Be It” After Controversial Decision Loss


(Showboat all you like, Thomson, but God will still be on Bendo’s side come decision time. / Photo via Getty)

Josh Thomson is 35 and, if you ask us, should be coming off the biggest win in his career over Benson Henderson. But the UFC didn’t ask us, they asked three judges who gave the nod in UFC on FOX 10‘s main event to Henderson—a controversial decision which put many fans in a state of furious disbelief. Even UFC president Dana White disagreed, and even slighted Henderson’s fighting style.

Alas, a win—no matter how questionable—is still a win. Henderson will climb the ladder, while Thomson and the thumb he broke in the first round will fall down the chute. This is more than Thomson can seemingly bear.

“This might be it, man,” Thomson said at the post-fight press conference when asked about whether his time in MMA was almost over. The frustrations of fighting on the world’s largest stage spilled out of Thomson.

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