(Woah. He almost looked human there for a second.)
We know exactly two things about Rory MacDonald right now: He will “absolutely, positively, without a doubt” face the winner of Johny Hendricks vs. Robbie Lawler II for the welterweight title (and in Canada, no less!), and he is something of a novice when it comes to the art of the post-fight celebration.
The post-fight celebration is a crucial and oft overlooked aspect of mixed martial arts competition, serving as a triumphant final display of a given fighter’s dominance. As a male peacock displays its feathers to attract a mate, an MMA celebration likewise let’s every member of the opposite sex know that you are the Alpha Male, the pack leader, the mate with the most irresistible “plumage.”
Should Rory manage to defeat the winner of Hendricks vs. Lawler in his own backyard, he will need to bring a lot more to the table than “The Spastic Ape” seen above if he hopes to attract a premo Canadian mistress. With that in mind, here are a few celebrations he should consider working on…
A classic go-to at any wedding, birthday, or gala event, the Bernie would allow Rory to shed the notion that he is a stiff, soulless combination of gears and wires contained within a human skinsuit. He could even combine the Bernie with his pre-fight stare into the abyss for a truly haunting experience.
The Lambeau Leap
As we all know, Canadians are some of the most diehard MMA fans of them all. Whereas American fans rarely start filing in before the main card, Canadians treat FS1 and Fight Pass prelims like they are a goddamned Celine Dion concert on PCP. And what better way for MacDonald to truly connect to his fans than by borrowing a celebration from the most fan-friendly team of them all? Jose Aldo did it once and Brazil is basically the South Canada of MMA fans, so there’s no way this wouldn’t work. And so what if Aldo was nearly ripped apart by his voracious supporters; he earned a fan who would die for him in that moment and that’s really what this sport is all about.
The Jamie Varner
What’s that, you say Rory lacks the personality and brazen arrogance necessary to move the needle? Eh-SQUIDOOSH!!
En route to his unanimous decision victory over BJ Penn at UFC on FOX 5, MacDonald was nothing short of a dancing machine (emphasis on machine), tip-toeing and shim-shammying around Penn like he was less fighting a P4P great of the sport and more like he was back taking jazz tap lessons in his Grandmother’s basement. Word has it that upon viewing Rory’s sublime footwork, Frank Trigg renounced his nickname and attempted to commit suicide via handsaw to the foot.
Rory’s got moves, is what I’m trying to say, and “The Jerk” celebration would perhaps best harness the power of his incredibly nimble feets. Remember, post-fight celebrations are all about attracting the ladies, and nothing accomplishes that faster than moves like Jagger –the story of Johnny Castle has shown us so.
The Bethe Correia
Full disclosure: I don’t really want to see Rory attempt this, I’m just a big fan of this celebration and Bethe Correia in general.
The Huey Lewis
One of the most frustrating things about Rory Mac is his complete refusal to even address the notion that he might be a sociopathic serial killer. Between the, let’s call it meticulous nature of his appearance to his dead-eyed, emotionless demeanor, MacDonald often comes across as a real-life Patrick Bateman, and it would be in his best interest to start playing up this angle of his personality if he ever hopes to be a needle mover like Conor McGregor: Irish Cereal Character or Donald Cerrone: Human Beer Commercial.
We want to see you become a household name, Rory. You represent the emotionally closed-off devourer of worlds in all of us, so maybe give these post-fight celebrations a consideration. Or don’t. We’re not even here.