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9 Olympic Occurences More Likely to Happen Than Brandon Vera Beating Shogun Rua

(If you must ask, Dana, I believe my hype train was headed in that general direction. Then again, it’s been so long since I’ve seen it…) 

If you’re anything like us, you’ve more than likely spent your weekend drinking either Budweiser or Miller High Life cans in front of your television whilst watching various Olympic events and screaming “America!” on loop until your Canadian or Russian neighbors got jealous and called the police, who in turn tried to claim that you are somehow at fault if you like to watch TV in the nude and can’t afford curtains. And indeed, the Olympics have successfully managed to captivate and connect its viewing audience as it always does, uniting entire communities over a common passion. Except, oddly enough, in the case of this year’s host country, wherein failure apparently opens you up to disturbingly hateful critiques from your own countrymen.

Switching gears, it seems that one thing we can all agree on, regardless of our cultural divisions, is the inherent ridiculousness in the possibility that Brandon Vera could somehow receive a title shot if he is able to defeat Mauricio Rua in impressive fashion, or vice versa. We know we’ve been a little hard on him today – it’s not like it was his decision to overhype a fight by implying title implications only to be reamed out by fans for doing so shortly thereafter, that was Dana White — but on the short list of contenders currently in the Light Heavyweight Division, Vera is just a step above Mostapha al-Turk, whom you may recall is a retired heavyweight who was released from the UFC over two years ago. And he’s fighting Shogun f*cking Rua, aka the man who ended The Machida Era. Arguably twice. 

Spoiler: There is no way in hell that Vera is beating Shogun this Saturday, and we’d be willing to wager a bottle of ipecac on it, if you know what we mean. So in honor of what has been a highly competitive Olympic games thus far, and what will surely be a one sided ass whooping at UFC on FOX 4, here are 10 things, ranked in no particular order, we will more than likely see happen at this year’s Olympics than “The Truth” beating “Shogun” on Saturday.

1. The United States Basketball Team Losing to Tunisia

2. Trampoline Being Taken Seriously

3. Michael Phelps Drowning in the Mens 4×200 Relay

4. Anybody Giving a Fuck About Race Walking

5. Michelle Jenneke accepting my back-massage offer. (I GIVE THE BEST ONES!)

6. North Korea Declaring War on England for Mixing Up Their Flag With South Korea’s

Honestly, this one is very, VERY likely to happen.

7. This Kid Winning Gold in Men’s Fencing

8. Ye Shiwen’s Steroid Tests Coming Back Absolutely, 100% Clean

9. Any “Fab Five”-Based Discussion Not Devolving Into a Pedophilia-Based One

Feel free to give us your own Olympic predictions that are more likely than a Vera upset in the comments section. 

-J. Jones

Cagepotato Comments

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Kimbo Lesnar- August 1, 2012 at 6:27 am
Hey, those gymnastics girls are highly skilled and amazing to watch! Plus, their rock hard bodies are totally... Grrrr, you win this round Danga...
Mr_Misanthropy- July 31, 2012 at 11:14 pm
@ Taco Loco

Yeah, but can it beat the Special Olympics opening ceremony?
Mr_Misanthropy- July 31, 2012 at 11:09 pm
Nick Diaz getting gold in the Olympic Triathabong.
J.Jones- July 31, 2012 at 8:40 pm
@glza - That guy is actually a super-imposed onto the gif. He is, however, looking *at* a completely perfect ass.
the glza- July 31, 2012 at 8:32 pm
Anybody able to pry their eyes off of Michelle Jenneke to see that guy behind her looking like a complete ass?
Lesnarischamp- July 31, 2012 at 8:20 pm
I might throw a couple bucks on Vera for giggles, who knows which Shogun will show up... Bader has no hope though.
Dmonicideals- July 31, 2012 at 6:50 pm
Well, you just jinxed yourself, because Ye's post-race test came back 100% clean, as did the other 4 she took this year already. Time to put some money down on Vera, and go find yourself a nice big vomit bag.
O Chan- July 31, 2012 at 4:08 pm
Beer-Pong finally getting the IOC to give it the recognition it truly deserves.
Grandmas Nutmeg- July 31, 2012 at 3:30 pm
#6 I thought it quite disrespectful to the glorious nation of North Korea that they did it not once but three times. Two of which happened after Marshal Kim Jong Un stepped in as a sub and won gold in both men's fencing and women's judo.
ReX13- July 31, 2012 at 3:03 pm
racewalking isn't actually an event this year, is it?

is it?

somebody explain to me why in the freezing blue hell there's no bjj/sub grappling in brazil 2016?
smellypiratehooker- July 31, 2012 at 2:43 pm
Yurileidys Lupetey Cobas testing positive for bath salts.
Fried Taco- July 31, 2012 at 2:36 pm
Canada sweeping the table tennis medals.
Fried Taco- July 31, 2012 at 2:33 pm
NBC showing the entire Modern Pentathlon competition on Prime-time.
ReX13- July 31, 2012 at 3:04 pm
Or judo.
Fried Taco- July 31, 2012 at 2:29 pm
That guy without legs beating Bolt in a race.
Fried Taco- July 31, 2012 at 2:27 pm
The opening ceremony for the Paralympics being better than the one for the Olympics.
towelie- July 31, 2012 at 2:37 pm
They couldn't be any worse.
Fried Taco- July 31, 2012 at 2:25 pm
Damien Maia winning gold in boxing for Brazil.
Fried Taco- July 31, 2012 at 2:24 pm
The cameramen not focusing on anyone's ass during women's beach volleyball.
Fried Taco- July 31, 2012 at 2:23 pm
Great Britain winning the most medals. You know, because they are the host country.