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A Word to the Wise: Don’t Ever F*ck With Urijah Faber’s Mom


(She taught you well, Urijah.) 

Whether or not you’re a fan of former WEC featherweight champion and current number one bantamweight contender Urijah Faber, you’ve got to admit that the guy is one tough son of a bitch, figuratively speaking of course. Aside from his story involving an insane run-in with members of the (an?) Indonesian mob, the dude single-handedly tore a hole in Cecil People’s bullshit “leg kicks don’t hurt” argument by offering his first pair of legs as a sacrifice to Jose Aldo at WEC 48. In fact, Faber might just be the toughest kid in all of California, considering that, when he isn’t beating the shit out of people, he’s bustin’ caps in their dreams.

And apparently it runs in the family. Not only is his sister recovering smoothly from the November car accident that left her in a coma for eight days, it appears that his mother, Suzanne, is now helping rid California of cat burglars. Yes, cat burglars are a thing.

Why anyone, let alone an able-bodied man, would ever want more cats than zero is beyond us. Be that as it may, Mrs. Faber was house sitting for a friend recently when one of these sick individuals tried to make off with her friend’s cat, which was named “either Snowball or Patches,” authorities claimed. We feel obligated to tell you that that very last bit was a complete fabrication, but this next part isn’t; not only did Faber’s mom manage to find a realistic enough looking gun to hold the “thief” at bay until the police arrived, she did it on her birthday.

“The California Kid” was quick to congratulate her, tweeting:

Happy B-day to my beautiful mom Suzanne today. Still feisty, just caught a burgler w a pellet gun. Held him off till the cops arrived … he thought she was using a real gun … She was house sitting, & found this High powered pellet gun. Looks dangerous enough.

Faber also tweeted photos of the gun and the thief being apprehended, which we’ve placed below.

Kids these days, with their fancy, semi-dangerous weaponry. Remember when a piece of PVC pipe and a potato could keep you entertained for days? (Author’s note: If no one makes some kind of sick sexual joke here, I will be severely disappointed.) 

Word has it that Faber’s mom gave the robber the option of waiting for the police or spending 30 seconds in that pool. He took a seat almost immediately.

-J. Jones

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linzhanbq- April 28, 2012 at 4:41 pm
http://tinyurl.com/goodb4biz . . . .
MyDonkeyPunch- April 26, 2012 at 6:43 am
Of course PVC piping and a potato can be fun for days... How else would the potato be able to slide into their poop shoots?
ghostboner- April 25, 2012 at 11:34 pm
HTML you a hater too. Fuck ya. And when I saw that chick's hands all I could think was "KEEP IT IN THE CIRCUS!"
ghostboner- April 25, 2012 at 11:33 pm
CP you a <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dg8KSMMNyFs" target="_blank"> hater </a>. Why you hatin CP? Hater. You a hater. You hatin CP. You a hater. Why y'all hatin? You a hatin hater CP. Man, you a hater. You and Brett Rogers boff is haters. Fuck y'all, cats are the best.
RwilsonR- April 25, 2012 at 7:33 pm
PVC pipe and a potato? That's what she said!
Wait... that doesn't make any sense. Fuck you Danga for making me try to hard.
DangadaDang- April 26, 2012 at 6:38 am
That was trying hard?
newly sober- April 25, 2012 at 4:01 pm
What a stupid criminal. All you got to do is look at the circumference of the barrel to see that it is not a true "pistol" that fires bullets. I would have taken that pellet gun from her and pawned it for meth. That's just me though and probably part of the reason why I just got released from prison for the fifth time
Sloppyspray- April 25, 2012 at 3:37 pm
Damn, I remember my old potato cannon. We used to wrap eggs in a folded over paper towel and launch them from it, managed to shoot an egg about 100 yards. It was great sitting in the woods and launching them out to the street. Those were the days.
WalterBarrio- April 25, 2012 at 3:21 pm
PVC pipe and a potato: the two great tastes that go great together, according to Richard Gere.
El Guapo- April 25, 2012 at 3:12 pm
If his mom is short and Ewok looking like Urijah, I wouldn't fck with her either. Also, I can't see that picture of him in the club without saying "THASSA HUGE BITCH!"
The12ozCurls- April 25, 2012 at 3:10 pm
That pool looks like it is still hung over from St. Patty's day.
Fried Taco- April 25, 2012 at 2:56 pm
I'd use my potato and PVC on Faber's mom. If you know what I mean.
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