(“What’s up, Anaheim! I just gotta know one thing…HOW’S! TASTE! MY PEE-PEE-PEEEEEEEEEE!!!”)
Can a t-shirt company put together an MMA card that outclasses the UFC? Will Fedor Emelianenko prove he’s still the #1 heavyweight in the world? Will Megadeth play “Symphony of Destruction”? So many questions, and they’ll all be answered tonight, folks. After the jump you’ll find results for Affliction: Banned’s undercard (spoiler alert, obvi), and a full-on play-by-play of the pay-per-view broadcast beginning at 9 p.m. ET. Refresh your browser every few minutes for all the latest, and give us your own thoughts in the comments section. Skulls and wings, baby; skulls and wings…
Paul Buentello def. Gary Goodridge via unanimous decision
Fowlkes writes: “Affliction seems to be suffering through a few glitches, but they’re underway. Buentello and Goodridge just fought, now we’re stuck in another long delay. Don’t worry, though. We got to watch an extended trailer for M-1′s ‘Fighting Fedor’ to keep us entertained.”
Anybody else watching Ultimate Knockouts 5? Good stuff.
Fowlkes: There’s a pretty good crowd already with more people filtering in. And if you think they aren’t lined up all around the arena to buy $55 t-shirts, you’re sadly mistaken. Still a lot of odd delays, spotty sound, and the general sense that Affliction is beginning to see how much they don’t know about putting on a live event.
Vitor Belfort def. Terry Martin via KO, 3:12 of round 2. Fowlkes sez: “It’s not the hyper-aggressive Vitor of old, but a more patient and technical one. He picked Martin apart, stayed on the move, and when he saw his opening he pounced with a brutal combination that left Martin sitting upright against the ropes, blinking like a man just awakened from an afternoon nap. Randy Couture was shown on the big screen in Vitor’s corner, eliciting a mixed reaction from the crowd.”
And that’s about it, I guess.
MAIN CARD PLAY-BY-PLAY
YEEEEEEEAH! Michael Buffer — the real Buffer — gives us a solid “Let’s get ready to rumble!” and Megadeth immediately kicks into “Symphony of Destruction.” Did I call it or what? Mustaine’s voice is especially growly these days.
Whitehead and Bablau enter. Then Barnett and Rizzo. Then Rothwell and Arlovski. Then Timmy and Fedor. All of them swaying to the symphony of destruction.
Mike Pyle vs. JJ Ambrose (welterweights)
The boys are already in the ring. Josh Rosenthal is reffing. Or, if you’re Brazilian, “heffing.”
Round 1: JJ bulls Pyle into the ring post and works his dirty boxing. Pyle pushes off, then takes Ambrose down. Pyle quickly scores the mount, then takes Ambrose’s back, throwing punches into the side of Ambrose’s head. Ambrose defends a choke, but Pyle stays on it. And he gets it…Pyle by rear-naked choke, at 2:51 of round 1. Randy Couture’s fighters are 2-0 so far.
Big John McCarthy is in the house, handling commentary and post-fight interview duties. He’s okay, but it’s weird to see him in an Affliction tee and distressed blazer rather than his black ref shirt. Frank Trigg advises the viewers not to go to the bathroom or they might miss an incredible knockout. Fair enough; that’s why God made adult diapers.
Fedor is shown playing cards with his team backstage. They don’t show Sylvia, but we’d assume he’s in his locker room hitting pads and crying.
Edwin Dewees vs. Antonio Rogerio Nogueira (light-heavyweights)
Herb Dean is presiding. Ken Shamrock is in D
WHERE THE FUCK DID THIS ENTIRE POST GO????
My Internet connection crashed as I was writing how Fedor caught Sylvia with punches at the bell and choked him out in 36 seconds, and when it came back everything is gone. Was I hacked? FUCK THIS SHIT!!!
Ugh. I couldn’t even fully relish how sweet Fedor’s destruction of Tim was. But that was amazing. Fedor is still the best heavyweight in the world. Believe it. My last three hours of work went up in smoke, but at least it was a satisfying night of fights.
Well, the ones who got to read it knew that this was one KILLER liveblog. Like, maybe the best ever. Fucking hell. The results from the entire card are below:
Buentello def. Goodridge via unanimous decision
Belfort def. Martin via KO, round 2
Pyle def. Ambrose via rear-naked choke, round 1
Nogueira def. Dewees via TKO, round 1
Lindland def. Negao via unanimous decision
Sobral def. Whitehead via unanimous decision
Hominick def. Young via armbar, round 2
Barnett def. Rizzo via KO, round 2
Arlovski def. Rothwell via KO, round 3
Emelianenko def. Sylvia via rear-naked choke, round 1 (36 seconds!)