("Fedor, you hear of this ‘Stevia’? It melt 40 pounds of fat and six tumors from my uncle Wladimir’s body. I’m just saying." Photo courtesy of Sherdog.)

Quick prediction for tonight’s main event: During the pre-fight face-off, Fedor and Andrei will say "I must break you" to each other simultaneously, after which Fedor will quickly call "jinx," prohibiting Andrei from speaking until someone says his name, which won’t be until the afterparty. As for the fight itself, you already know how we stand on that. Anyway, the main card for Affliction’s second event is about to pop off. Results from the undercard, and round-by-round updates/commentary for the pay-per-view broadcast await you after the jump. TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL!

Brett Cooper def. Patrick Speight via TKO, 4:10 of R2
Albert Rios def. Antonio Duarte via unanimous decision (29-28 x 3)
L.C. Davis def. Bao Quach via unanimous decision (29-28 x 3)
Antonio Rogerio Nogueira def. Vladimir Matyushenko via TKO, 4:26 of R2

If you watched the undercard on HDNet, you saw that UFC legend "Big" John McCarthy is working the fights tonight. Great to see the master back in action. And if I’m not mistaken, Tom Atencio is sitting ringside next to noted actor/radio-host/convicted drug-trafficker Chuck Zito.

And we’re off. A three-page warning in the beginning of the broadcast warns commercial business owners to not broadcast this event with a residential license, and makes no promises with respect to the conduct of tonight’s fighters. (Also known as the "Gilbert Yvel Clause.") It’s Affliction night in America.

Anybody see how doughy Kiril Sidelnokov looked in the weigh-ins? Baby Fedor indeed. Be careful of his little fontanelle, Buentello.

I’m still not used to Tito Ortiz as a commentator. I don’t think he is, either. ("We’ll gonna see it tonight," Ortiz says.) Seriously, he stutters at least once in every sentence.

WTF, Scott Ferrall got another job in MMA? They didn’t take him out back execution style after YAMMA 1? He’s interviewing Freddie Roach backstage with Chuck Zito, and Holy Shit, he is The Worst.

No live band this time, but the fighter introductions are done with Danzig’s "Mother" blasting on the speakers, and you can’t really complain about that.

Dan Lauzon vs. Bobby Green
Green’s fighting style is listed as "HOOD." I believe he trains under 10th degree HJJ black belt Lil’ Wayne. For real though, his ring entrance is hood as fuck. The announcers tell us that he’s had over 100 street fights, but he also wrestled in high school. By comparison, Lauzon’s ring entrance is straight country-club. Herb Dean will be overseeing the lead-off match on the main card. Green is noticably jumpy.
Round 1: Green gets clocked by a Lauzon right hand and stumbles after coming out with some wild punches of his own. Green nearly has a standing guillotine after Lauzon clinches, but Lauzon pulls out. Green throws a flying knee after some punches and Lauzon has to retreat. Hard groin kick from Green puts a stop to the furious pace of round 1. Lauzon is taking the entire five minutes to recover, and the crowd boos. We’re back. Lauzon shoots after a superman punch and body kick and the fight goes to the ground. Green gets up and throws a hard punch down. Lauzon is up and Green clinches and suplexes him. Lauzon gets to his feet, and Green lands a punch and kick, but slips to the mat and Lauzon nearly catches him in a triangle on the ground. Green gets out and the fighters go back standing. Green puts a short knee into Lauzon’s balls and Lauzon takes another agonized time out. Herb decides not to deduct a point from Green, for some reason. Tito Ortiz calls Lauzon’s reaction an "acting job." Okay, here we go again. After a brief striking exchange, Green kicks Lauzon in the balls AGAIN. Herb Dean deducts two points. Lauzon looks to be in considerable pain, but a replay shows that the kick just grazed Lauzon’s shorts. Donald Trump is not amused. Green catches a kick when the fight is restarted and pushes Lauzon into the turnbuckle and then to the mat. Green fires some shots from above, and Lauzon works for a leg lock from below. Green escapes the leg lock but Lauzon takes his back, looking for the rear-naked choke. And gets it, with five seconds left in the round! Dan Lauzon def. Bobby Green via rear-naked choke, 4:55 of round 1. The crowd boos him.

Paul Buentello vs. Kiril Sidelnikov
Buentello, who I assumed was Italian, comes out to a mariachi ballad. This night is full of surprises. It seems like Sidelnikov has been training hard with Fedor on his emotionless ring entrances. Big John is the third man.
Round 1: Buentello lands a left hook, then sticks a nice jab. Sidelnikov eats an uppercut while rushing in. He pushes Buentello against the ring post, slugging him in close, but Buentello pushes out. Sidelnikov lands a heavy right. Buentello pushes Sidelnikov against the turnbuckle and stomps his foot. Sidelnikov reverses and they separate. Buentello slips in a right hand. Both men land in an exchange, and clinch against the ring post. Knee from Sidelnikov. Buentello with a nice right hook, then a jab. Knees from Buentello in a clinch, and Sidelnikov is bleeding from under his left eye. Another knee from Buentello and the round ends. 10-9 Paul B.

Round 2: Leg kick Sidelnikov. Sidelnikov whiffs on a front kick, and Buentello pops him with a straight right. Sharp jab from Buentello. Sidelnikov chasing and lands a jab, but Buentello returns it. A 1-2 from Buentello lands. Leg kick Sidelnikov. Buentello looks wobbly after a punch exchange and Sidelnikov pounces, pushing Buentello against the ropes and swinging. But Buentello clinches and collects himself. Buentello lands a nice right after they separate. Sidelnikov shoots and Buentello sprawls. Buentello with a huge left hook. Jab from PB, and another. And another, then a right straight. They trade jabs. Buentello barely misses a knockout head-kick. Kiril’s face is lookin’ rough. Sidelnikov slips in a right hand. The round ends…another 10-9 for Buentello.

Round 3: They kicked it to Ferrell backstage with Sobral between rounds. Big mistake. Anyway, leg kick from Sidelnikov to start the final round, but Buentello still finding a home for that jab. Big uppercut from Buentello. Body kick Sidelnikov. Buentello catches him with a stiff right hand as he tries to throw a kick and Sidelnikov stumbles backwards. They clinch against the ropes, Buentello takes his back standing, and then literally humps Sidelnikov off of him. No, that wasn’t gay at all. Buentello whales on Sidelnikov with punches, knocking his mouthpiece out, and John McCarthy stops the fight so Sidelnikov could put it back in. Not the best call, but it’s not going to make a difference. Buentello with punches and a knee. And another nasty jab. And another. And Sidelnikov’s mouthpiece falls out again. McCarthy pauses the action, and a doctor comes in, takes one look at Sidelnikov’s effed-up face, and stops the fight. Paul Buentello def. Kiril Sidelnikov via TKO, 4:18 of round 3.

Thierry "Don’t Call Me Rameau" Sokoudjou vs. Renato "Babalu" Sobral
Well alright, this one I’m actually looking forward to. Dan Henderson showing support in Soko’s corner. Sobral looking like he could just kill a man.
Round 1: They exchange jabs and trade leg kicks. Another leg kick from Soko, and Babalu shoots to clinch. They briefly fall to the mat, then stand up in a clinch against the ropes. Soko throwing knees into Sobral’s body. Big John separates them after catching Soko grabbing the ropes. Sobral misses a high kick, but shoots and pushes Soko halfway out of the ring. McCarthy brings them back in, with Sobral on Soko’s back. Sokoudjou trips Sobral to the ground and gets on top. Big punch from above. Sobral trying to work his guard. Sobral rolls out, gets up, and shoots for a failed single-leg. Sobral clinches with Soko against the ropes. Sokoudjou jams an elbow into Sobral’s head. Sobral knees to Soko’s legs. Big John separates them. Teep kick Sobral. And the round ends. A close one, but Soko may get the 10-9 for his brief time on top of Babalu.

Round 2: Right uppercut Sokodjou. Sobral answers with a punch combo, then takes Soko down and works some GnP. Elbows from Sobral, who starts teeing off. Soko slides under the ropes, and Big John brings ‘em out to the center of the ring. Sobral moves to half guard, and starts throwing strikes again. Soko tries to get up, but Sobral stays on him, looking to set up the anaconda choke. And freakin’ nails it. That’s pretty much exactly how Lyoto Machida punked him. Poor guy drops to 5-4. Renato Sobral def. Rameau Thierry Sokoudjou via submission, 2:36 of round 2. Why didn’t I bet money on this one? Tito Ortiz asks Sobral what he thinks about his future opponents, then kind of winks at him. Later, he comes out and says "a lot of people want to see us get it on." Do they? Now, they’re interviewing Vadim Finkelchtein about M-1 through an interpreter. BOOOORRRRRIIIIIINNNG.

My Internet connection just crapped out for like three minutes. Hope that doesn’t happen when it counts…

Matt Lindland vs. Vitor Belfort
Lindland really is one of the most unfortunate-looking men you’ll ever see. Belfort jumps over the ropes into the ring. Vitor by athletic explosiveness?
Round 1: Sharp leg kick from Belfort grazes Lindland. Belfort sticks Lindland with a dead-on left hook and he’s out before he hits the ground. The ref stops it ASAP. Lindland is still on the ground, groggy as hell. Now he’s going for a single-leg on one of the doctors. He trying to get to his feet but a medic is trying to stabilize his neck. Lindland finally drops to his knees and lets the attendants do their job. They put Lindland in a neck brace, and he angrily shouts "I’m fine!" to Dan Henderson, while blood leaks from his nose. And now the brace is off, and he’s on his feet to a roar of crowd approval. Anyway, knockout of the night. Vitor Belfort def. Matt Lindland via KO, 0:37 of round 1.

A replay shows that it was actually a shot on the ground that put out Lindland’s lights completely, though he was certainly in bad shape after the left hook that dropped him. The crowd boos Belfort in the post-fight interview for some reason. Belfort credits his victory to Jesus and hand-speed.

Josh Barnett vs. Gilbert Yvel
Well, Gilbert’s in a good mood. He comes out poppin’ to "Let Me Clear My Throat." Barnett is deathly serious, slow-walking to the ring. One of his cornermen slaps him in the face twice pretty hard to wake him up. Barnett’s fighting style is *still* listed as "Pro Wrestling." 
Round 1: Barnett misses a straight right. Hard leg kick Yvel. Barnett shoots and gets the single leg after taking some hockey-punches from Yvel. Barnett on top in half-guard, throwing down short punches. And a nice short downward elbow. Barnett looking for the straight armlock, but Yvel defends. Barnett elbows Yvel in the face as punishment. Yvel struggling to get out. Barnett moves to side control, then half-guard again. He tries to set up a kimura, but lets it go. Barnett gets the full mount, then postures up and throws down big punches. Yvel rolls and turtles. Barnett is jackhammering Yvel with punches and elbows. Yvel somehow gets up just before the round ends. Wow. Herb Dean wants blood. Most refs would have stopped that.

Round 2: Yvel comes out hard trying to turn around the momentum, but Barnett immediately clinches and takes Yvel to the mat. Barnett looking for an armlock again, but Yvel is chatting with his cornermen. Barnett postures and takes mount, throwing elbows from the top. Yvel punching up from his back. Barnett answers with elbows. More punches from Barnett. Yvel pops him from below. It’s a bizarre striking match on the ground. Nasty elbow from Josh. Yvel lands a two-punch combo with Barnett on top of him. Barnett looks for an armbar but Yvel escapes, gets to his feet, and lands some punches from above as the round ends.

Round 3: Barnett takes some hard punches to the dome after landing a leg kick; he shoots, and slams Yvel to the ground. Barnett smashes Yvel with elbows, then punches from the mount. The crowd boos the lopsided contest. Yvel bucks, but Barnett is an anvil on top of him. Barnett throwing heavy leather into Yvel’s face, and Yvel rolls to his side and taps to avoid further abuse. Josh Barnett def. Gilbert Yvel via submission (strikes), 3:05 of round 3. BJ Penn thinks you’re a bitch, Gilbert. Again the crowd boos the winner in the post-fight interview. The broadcast has technical difficulties, and when it comes back, Barnett is talking about choking on his blood. He says he has to step it up next time. Barnett says he doesn’t care who he fights next, but says he hopes Fedor wins tonight because he’s a friend. Way to hype the main event of Affliction III, bro. He also pays tribute to Justin Levens. ("Him and his wife…they committed suicide or something." Well, that’s one way of putting it.)

Fedor Emelianenko vs. Andrei Arlovski
Arlovski indeed "has the 300 beard." Fedor says a little prayer before walking out to the ring, eyes to the floor. Russian opera is the soundtrack. The fickle crowd now sounds awed. Big John, of course, is reffing. One of the judges is Cecil "Got Love 4 My" Peoples. Fedor better hope this one doesn’t go to the cards.
Round 1: Leg kick Arlovski. Arlovski sticks Fedor with a right that shakes Fedor. Another leg kick from Arlovski. And another. Fedor rushes in swinging. They clinch, and Fedor defends a takedown attempt. Knee from Fedor. Arlovski returns it. Some dirty boxing against the turnbuckle, and Big John separates them. Leg kick Arlovski. Arlovski lands the right. Freddie Roach must be thrilled. And another right, and a body kick from Arlovski. But then Arlovski throws a poorly-timed flying knee and Fedor hits Arlovski with an overhand right, dropping Arlovski to the mat, out cold.

Sucks for the Pitbull. He was winning that first round handily with, yes, his sharp boxing. But he dropped his hands at exactly the wrong time while trying to finish Fedor off like he did to Ben Rothwell. Fedor Emelianenko def. Andrei Arlovski via KO, 3:14 of Round 1.

Tito Ortiz is the George W. Bush of talking. This post-fight interview via interpreter is unwatchable. But man that replay. That KO will easily be in the top three knockouts of this year. Tom Atencio, Donald Trump, and Oscar De La Hoya enter the ring. The douche readings are off the chart.

Okay, I’m outta here before Ortiz enrages me even further. Fedor delivers again. Jean Claude Van Damme is conspicuously absent. My Lord, Fedor’s priest/attorney does look like Rasputin. And wow, Scott Ferrell and Chuck Zito, the jackoff brothers. I can’t take this. Good night.