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Aleksander Emelianenko Doomed to a Pair of Can-Crushing Blue Balls

(Video courtesy of YouTube/limonadoss)

There is no greater crime than to be deprived of sharing your gift with the world. Okay, maybe that’s an exaggeration, but to let a god-given talent die on the vine is unforgivable, yet this seems to be the fate of one Aleksander Emelianenko. You see, after fighting in a series of meaningful, competitive battles, Aleks found his true calling as a can-crusher. Each morbid beatdown was a sight to behold, a gift to the masses. Sadly, we are now being robbed of that gift. Sure, he’s still standing across the cage from lesser competition, but they are a dangling carrot that he cannot bite, a mirage in the distance that he’ll never actually reach. Observe:

We first caught a glimpse of this phenomenon when Aleks squared off against Eddy Bengtsson. After a scant forty seconds, Bengtsson succumbed to a phantom punch and deprived Aleks the joy of a brutal finish. Fast-forward to last Friday evening, where Aleks took to punching heavybag journeyman Tadas Rimkevicius. To his credit, Rimkevicius seemed game to trade until Emelianenko really started to swang them thangs, which forced “The Lithuanian Bear” to dig deep into his bag of tricks (check out that rolling kneebar at 5:20 and tell me that Tadas isn’t the bastard child of Oleg Taktarov and Ryo Chonan). Ol’ Rimke actually catches Aleks with a left hand and drops him as the round draws to a close, which was possibly the closest anyone came to being legitimately put away in a bout that ended via TKO.

The second frame saw Aleks connecting with hard shots to Rimkevicius’ dome. Then, before the big man fell, before he was even slightly wobbled, he turned away and buried his face in the top rope in defeat. That’s not why you’re here, Tadas! Poor Aleks seems doomed to a never-ending sequence of pugilistic foreplay; it’s a bunch of jabs and stiff ones but he can never fully unload. You’ve got to feel bad for the guy. Then again, maybe it’s wrong to blame these dudes for not going all the way. Better safe than sorry, right?

Cagepotato Comments

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DARKHORSE06- May 7, 2013 at 8:42 pm
Hey what ever happened to Karma Ate My Cat?
CungwantsCookies- March 18, 2012 at 5:34 pm
have to agree with the other amateur doctors in the house. on one of the first exchanges of the second round the dude backs up, squints, and seems a little shaken. after that every time the right hook lands on the left side of his face, he reacts, until the coup de grace, and he appeared to already be swelling on the replay. March 18, 2012 at 3:20 pm
dude you are a fucking tool ...what the fuck have you done in the cage?? much respect to Alexsander and jackass mma journalist he prob broke one if his bones you fucking cunt damn I can not stand stupid mma journalist that have no clue wtf they are talking about
thesackmurderer- March 18, 2012 at 12:26 pm
Why does aleksander feel the need to dig in his nose every five seconds?
blaphtome- March 18, 2012 at 10:39 am
On seeing it again, my moneys on left orbit, Zygomatic.
blaphtome- March 18, 2012 at 10:32 am
Pretty sure that guy turned away because he had one or more facial bones broken in the last exchange. Have seen this tons of times and been through it personally, and yes immediately turned away the first time it happened(fortunately was in sparring). Very painful and turning is a very difficult instinct to resist. For another, more clear example of this see Jones vs Vera. Last thing; mad fuckin respect to Kos and others who have gutted these sort of injuries out.
Crazy Croat- March 18, 2012 at 9:47 am
if you're? an mma fan check out my promo for mir vs velasquez ! you will be pumped for the fight - i guarantee ! i think that this bout is undeservedly in the shaddow of the main event