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Aleksander Emelianenko Receives Russia’s Highest Honor, Is Placed on Federal Wanted List


(“Alright…take me to The Throne Room.”)

For a while there, we here at CagePotato always just kind of assumed that Aleksander Emelianenko would spend the remainder of his days quietly crushing tomato cans and occasionally killing bears with knives. Until the day came 10 or so years from now, of course, when the Russian government would finally locate his geographically-isolated cabin and assign him one. final. mission. to save the world he gave up on so long ago. They’d say something like, “You’re a hard man to find,” and Aleks would be all like, “Not hard enough,” and before you know it, we’d have a movie franchise on our hands. Yeah, that’s how it’d go.

Unfortunately, it appears that the nightly bounties of delicious stabbed bear meat (second only to strangled boar meat on the list of manliest meals) and occasional espionage we had envisioned for Fedor’s little bro was only that: a dream. Last October, Aleks was detained after beating up a 63-year-old army veteran on his birthday (classy stuff, Al), and today brings word that Russia’s answer to War Machine has been placed on the country’s federal wanted list in light of another bizarre altercation:

Russian authorities have put renowned Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) fighter Aleksander Emelianenko on a wanted list on suspicion of housekeeper abuse and passport theft, investigators said Wednesday.

Vladimir Markin, a spokesperson for the country’s Investigative Committee said that Emelianenko had been put on the federal wanted list as “he disappeared and did not appear for questioning at the scheduled time,” adding that charges were forthcoming.

Housekeeper abuse? Good God, Aleks, I know you’ve been itching to fight someone who won’t give up before you throw the first punch, but there’s gotta be a better way!

We will have more on this absolutely ridiculous story as it unfolds, but just so we’re keeping track, the list of people Aleksander Emelianenko has deemed an immediate threat over the years now includes:

-Housekeepers
-Tourists
-Flight Attendants
-Senior Citizens
-People with birthdays
-Bears (OK, he was right on this one)

What would they think back at the monastery, Aleks?

-J. Jones

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