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Alexander Emelianenko Got Engaged! While in Jail! Awaiting Trial!! For Sexual Assault!!1!

(He’ll fight for my love AND he bakes! *swoon*)

Love is…strange, Nation. It requires trust, understanding, patience, and occasionally, the willingness to look a convicted sex offender in the eyes and say “I do” from behind the bars of a Russian prison.

What? Haven’t you heard? Alexander Emelianenko — the very same who is currently awaiting trial for the sexual assault of a 27 year-old woman – recently got engaged to a living, breathing woman named Pauline, reports Break out the streamers! Fire up the band! Just make sure you tell them to keep it down!

Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Oh, that just means that he’s prison engaged, if you know what I’m saying.” First off, don’t nudge me, and secondly, you’re wrong. According to BloodyElbow, “Emelianenko, through the request of his lawyer, got permission to marry inside the detention center. It also appears that it was his fiancé, Pauline, who proposed.”

So there you have it. Alexander Emelianenko is engaged to be married. And I have no one.

Alexander Emelianenko is on Russia’s “Most Wanted” list. In the past few years, the list of reprehensible offenses he has committed include (but are not limited to): assaulting a group of hecklers, assaulting a 63-year old veteran on his birthday, “hooliganism” on an aircraft, housekeeper abuse, and passport theft. Now, he is facing 4-6 years behind bars for allegedly drugging a chick and doing God knows what to her. By all accounts, he seems to be an absolute monster of an individual. He also might have Hepatitis.

Yet despite ALL OF THIS, he has found someone who is ready to commit their life to him in blissful matrimony forevermore. Someone who is willing to overlook his many (many, many) faults, who proposed TO HIM, and is eager to have the day she has always dreamed of commence from behind cold dirty Russian prison bars.

And I have no one.

It makes me wonder about God’s plan, is all.

-J. Jones

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