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And So It Ends: War Machine’s Last Big House Blog…At Least for Now

(Video courtesy of YouTube/WEEZER)

It’s a bittersweet week for both fans of War Machine and fans of War Machine’s Big House Blogs. The fighter formerly known as Jon Koppenhaver is set to be released from jail on Friday, which means the only blogs we’re going to get from here on out (unless of course he ends back in the clink) will be about his training regimens, his married life and thoughts on the world. Something tells me that being behind bars contributed to how deranged some of his deep thoughts were the past year and it’s likely that being on the outside will change all that.

Let’s hope I’m dead wrong.

Until he proves me wrong, go ahead and savor your last instalment of War Machine’s Big House Blogs.

FRIDAY, JULY 8, 2011

One more week and I’m outta here! It’s a trip, I can’t believe I’ve been in jail for a YEAR! It’s gonna be so nice to eat REAL food and train for REAL. I just hope that my probation officer isn’t too much of an asshole. I don’t plan to and know I won’t cause any problems for him/her, I’m just gonna do what needs to be done. I don’t think it should be a problem though. I don’t do any drugs, so piss testing is nothing for me, I’m not in a gang & I have a job/career so I should be considered a low maintenance/easy case to manage for them. Say some prayers/send some energy so that I get a decent probation officer.

Anyway, I learned a lot this year: who my REAL friends are, how great my wife really is, how much I really LOVE MMA, I learned that all cops aren’t the devil and in fact, are good guys just making a $, learned that the U.S.A.’s criminal justice system is 100 times more fucked up than I ever imagined, and I read more than 60 books and got insight into all kinds of different shit.

Notice that I did NOT learn that what I did that night in the bar was “wrong.” I stand by my actions to this day and believe that EVERY human has the right to defend themselves or others, if they believe there is a threat to their safety. I’m not a “criminal,” I don’t rob and steal, and I don’t sell dope to kids… Humans have a “fight or flight” mechanism built into them and in a split second decision, where my best buddy got into a fight out of the blue, and I saw 2 guys running to jump in, my instincts had me attempt to defend him and there was no way for me to discern that one happened to be a bouncer and he got hit. So what I really “learned” about that night and about other times I’ve gotten into street fights, and how to avoid them and avoid trouble in the future is simply: DO NOT PUT YOURSELF IN SITUATIONS/PLACES WHERE FIGHTS CAN HAPPEN. If a drug addict wants to stay clean, he needs to not be around people or places where drugs are, SIMPLE SOLUTION. My instinct to fight father than flee would have helped my survival in past ages, however in this age, it only puts me in jail.

Like I’ve always said, “I don’t get in fights at the grocery store.” So I’m confident, in fact I KNOW, if I avoid bars/clubs/parties, I will NEVER be put in a situation again that will require the activation of my “fight or flight” instinct. That is the main lesson I have learned. If you have a problem, alcohol, drugs, gangs, violence, WHATEVER, and you TRULY want to STOP, you MUST eliminate EVERYTHING (friends, spouses, lifestyle) that brings your problem into being. I hope that some of you reading this that have a problem, and want to avoid America’s inhumane system of punishment, will learn from MY LOSS OF A YEAR OF LIFE and prevent yourself from the same or worse. This will be my LAST blog from jail, the next time you hear from me I’ll be a free man again.

I want to thank all of you fans that have helped make this year so much better with your constant e-mails of support, money, gift packs, and books. It means a lot to me and I feel blessed to have had so much support.
Jon Koppenhaver 10754342

Cagepotato Comments

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Hellsing- July 16, 2011 at 5:40 am
This truly is the end of a weird, fucked-up era.
nickyroose- July 14, 2011 at 11:30 am
I got $50 on the under over of 4 months before initial violation. They won't send him back for the first but I got money says he fucks up before the 4 month mark.
Jesus Frijoles- July 14, 2011 at 7:31 am
Practicing his speach to the parole board.
Fried Taco- July 14, 2011 at 7:25 am
I hope he got the copy of June White's book I sent him.
Chromium- July 14, 2011 at 2:03 am
Wait, so, has it been established that War Machine definitely knows how to read, or was he giving someone else "protection" in exchange for writing down his blogs while he narrated?
Spicymeatball- July 14, 2011 at 12:34 am
Can somebody tell me who War Machine's wife is. Did he marry that pornstar or is it someone different?
intercept440- July 13, 2011 at 9:45 pm
i got 100 on he lasts less than 3 months and is in jail again on a probabtion violation...any takers????
Smitty- July 13, 2011 at 9:05 pm
weezer +1
MediumRare- July 13, 2011 at 7:09 pm
Something unexpected surprise
AF tank woman $ 17

I want a tank woman.

And I want the spam bot that can read these hyroglyphic captchas so it can tell me what the fuck that stuff says sometimes. Took me eight attempts and three vodka-tonics to guess the last one.
Pen Fifteen- July 13, 2011 at 6:36 pm
So he learned how great his wife was while in jail...I guess the part where she didn't mind him having a side career in porn wasn't enough evidence.
Get Off Me- July 13, 2011 at 6:33 pm
A weezer video that's 4:20
MediumRare- July 13, 2011 at 6:12 pm
War War! The man is a motherfucking sage:

"you MUST eliminate EVERYTHING (friends, spouses, lifestyle) that brings your problem into being"

My problem is hemorrhoids. My hemorrhoids are so bad that they cause me to seek refuge in cocaine and hookers. I know if I could handle my 'roids I would stop cheating on my wife and stop raping my sinuses with blow.

Earlier, upon War's recommendation, I attempted to eliminate my anus since it seems to bring the dreaded bunch of grapes hanging out of my ass into being. The only thing I could think to do to eliminate my anus was to glue it shut. It is no longer an orifice from which hemorrhoids can sprout. I was very proud of myself for devising this solution and had already started a fan letter to War.

But now I need to shit. Does anyone have any suggestions?
ReX13- July 13, 2011 at 5:55 pm
Wait, something just now occurred to me. WHY does "Jon Koppenhaver" appear on these??
RwilsonR- July 13, 2011 at 5:04 pm
What, I called him a rock star... sort of.
El Guapo- July 13, 2011 at 4:58 pm
Wilson's email address "magically" appearing in 3,2,1..
RwilsonR- July 13, 2011 at 4:43 pm
Is that MRuss on drums?
Dinksmack- July 13, 2011 at 4:22 pm
Knowledge son