(‘Hey there, sailor.’)

You people and your damned questions.  Everything from a rules clarification on the pick-em contests (how lame a question is that?) to an attempt at making us choose between Octagon girl Edith, Jenna Jameson (above, yikes!), and a microwaved Barbie doll (1. Edith 2. Barbie 3. Jenna, obviously!).  But for those of you who asked real, probing questions that deserve more than a one-sentence answer, we’re fixing to drop some answers on you.  

Got a question of your own?  Head on over to the forums and put it in this thread right here.  If we like it, we’ll answer it.  If we don’t, we may make fun of you in public.  Either way, something good happens for somebody.  And if you’re complaining about our ads, that’s not really a question.  We have to get paid somehow or else it’s back to giving out massages down at the docks for us, and we really prefer this job.

Cagepotato gets to pick the rules for MMA forever and eternity. What does it pick for rounds/elbows/kicks to the head/every other difference between UFC and DREAM/PRIDE/every other damn promotion? – Pingu

Finally!  It’s about time we got to have the final say over universal MMA rules for all of eternity.  You have no idea how long we’ve been waiting for this day.  

All right, we like the way the UFC does rounds (three five-minute rounds for non-title fights, five rounds otherwise), so that can stay.  Elbows on the ground have to go.  They only serve to cause cuts and allow the guy on top to appear to be working more than he is.  You can use them standing, but not on the mat.  Knees to the head on the ground, however, are in.  No more dropping to the mat to avoid them, or staying down after failed takedowns, or arguing over whether a guy was down or up.  Just suck it up and deal.  Kicks to the head of a downed fighter, sorry, but we can’t do that and still get on ESPN.  Somebody will get head-stomped to death and then it’s all over.  

One other thing, grabbing the cage/ropes to avoid a takedown is an automatic one-point deduction.  No warnings, because you already know not to do it when you get in there.  The enforcement of this rule varies too much in MMA right now, which makes it worth a shot for some fighters (isn’t that right, Karo Parisyan?).

If a tag team match with BJ Penn & Fedor on one team and GSP & Anderson Silva on the other, who would win?  Tank Abbott would be the ref of course.  The ring announcer would be Bob Sapp.  The ring girl would be Paris Hilton, you know to keep it classy. – Polish

Good question, Polish.  Naturally, we assume that GSP & Silva would be a tentative partnership that could easily be torn asunder should one of them accidentally hit the other with a folding chair, while Fedor and Penn would show up in full Demolition attire, face paint and all.  

As for how the match would go down, Penn would start off against GSP and take a serious mauling for about six minutes.  But when Silva gets tagged in he makes the mistake of showboating and lets Penn crawl over to the corner and tag in Fedor.  Silva immediately tries to beg off, ala Ric Flair, but gets knocked out anyway.  Afterwards GSP blames Silva for the loss and a feud erupts between the two.

Tank Abbott would be drunk, Bob Sapp would appeal only to the Japanese segment of the audience, and Paris Hilton would bore the hell out of everyone with her too cool for school act.  Which is why you should have chosen Amy Adams, Polish.  You just know she’d do something both weird and hot.

Why doesnt the UFC add the lower weight classes to the roster? Dont get me wrong i like the WEC but there is so much talent in the feather and bantam weight divisions that it puts out some of the most exciting fights ive ever seen. I would order payperview anytime to see Miguel Torres or Urijah Faber fight. – Russ

Good point.  The UFC might do well to fold the WEC into the UFC completely at some point.  And you know what?  We wouldn’t be terribly surprised to see them do just that.  The WEC has not been tremendously profitable for Zuffa, and if they figure out that fans won’t shell out in droves for a WEC pay-per-view event, they may very well say ‘screw it’ and absorb the little guys into the big show.  

As much as we love watching the WEC for free on Versus, we wouldn’t complain about Urijah Faber and Miguel Torres in the UFC.  Making us pay to see WEC cards, which just don’t have the depth or production value of UFC events, however?  That we would complain about.

Whens UFC coming to Japan? Im here in Osaka and they show all the UFC fights on the movie channel here for free, but they never follow the fighter interviews after the fight, they only cut to the next fight or follow Satoshi Ishii around and its lame. – Popeye

You’ll be happy to know, Popeye, that Dana White addressed this question at the UFC 94 press conference.  While he acknowledged that it’s very difficult to break into Japan as an MMA company, he added, “But fuck ‘em.  We’re going to do it anyway.”

Rest assured, Dana is working on it.  He seems to have a healthy regard for the Japanese MMA culture and is intent on getting there eventually.  New York is just a slightly bigger priority at the moment.

But what are you doing sitting around at home and watching the movie channel in Japan, Popeye?  Don’t you know there are Japanese chicks all around you!?  Good God, man.  Get out and mingle!

Why do a lot of fighters feel the need to do stupid shit with their hair right before they fight? I see alot of up and coming fighters that dye their hair yellow with like pink stars, and stuff like that….I can’t really take a guy serious when I see that stuff. I’m really sort of confused as why this is, please help me? – Rokabee

You answered your own question there, Rokabee.  Up and coming fighters.  Those are the guys most likely to do weird hair shit, because much like the girls who put glitter all over their breasts, they desperately want to get noticed.  They need to find some way to stand out, and it’s a lot easier to dye your hair weird colors or shave an ill-advised pattern into it than to actually get attention for your fighting.  There’s a reason you don’t see Anderson Silva doing that stuff.

My question is – Is Sherdog the UFC and Cagepotato the Affliction? Before we had no advertisements, now we have advertisements… Are the advertisements to make money to keep the site alive, or to pay for Thai hookers for the staff? I work for a company that always looks at the bottom line… Is the bottom line green or red before / after advertisements? – Kadumel

Did you just compare us to Affliction?  Get the fuck out, Kadumel.