(Un-freaking-canny, isn’t it?)

It’s been too long since we’ve answered all your stupid questions.  For that, we apologize.  For the smart-assness of the answers we offer here, we shall never apologize.  If you don’t like it, go ask your own incredibly important question right now in this forum thread.  Otherwise, read on and be amused.

If you were to break it down per minute, who is the highest paid fighter? I’m not talking about all the training and everything that goes with fighting, just the fights themselves. – Shagen

Why settle for breaking it down per minute, Shagen?  Why not per second?  The three top contenders for this title would appear to be Andrei Arlovski (who made $1.5 million to get knocked out by Fedor in 3:14), Tim Sylvia (who made $800,000 to get submitted by Fedor in 0:36), and Kimbo Slice (who made $500,000 to get knocked out by Seth Petruzelli in 0:14).

You break that down per second and Arlovski made $7,731.96, Sylvia made $22,222.22, and Slice made a whopping $35,714.29.  That makes Kimbo the highest-paid fighter per second in MMA history.  Of course, what complicates this are “undisclosed payouts.”  There’s no way Fedor only made a couple hundred grand to beat Sylvia and Arlovski, as reported to the CSAC in both instances, so we may never know how much he ultimately pocketed for two high-profile fights that lasted a combined 3:50.  One thing we can be sure of, Kimbo straight-up robbed EliteXC.

I have heard a few different people blame Rashad Evans‘ loss to Lyoto Machida on a poor game plan from Greg Jackson. Can it really be that Jackson developed the seriously flawed game plan of standing and striking with Machida, while avoiding wrestling all together or should Rashad’s loss be attributed to a weak execution on the part of Rashad? I understand that Machida is a tough opponent to figure out, but I just cannot accept that Jackson proposed such a weak game plan. Say it isn’t so Bens. – CWR

We know, it’s hard to believe that Greg Jackson wouldn’t instruct Evans to go in there and put Machida on his back at least once, just to find out how he reacts.  But as we noted before the fight, there was some talk from the Jackson camp about countering Machida’s counters, which we thought was a horrible idea.  Judging by Evans’ performance, though, that’s exactly what he tried to do.  He kept his back to the fence, circling and waiting and then getting picked apart by Machida.  Obviously, it was a mistake.

The real question is, now that we’ve seen how ineffective it is to chase Machida (see: Machida vs. Tito Ortiz) and how painful it is to wait for his attack (see: Machida vs. Evans), what’s next?  “Shogun” Rua will try and come up with an answer, but when we think about “the old Shogun” that people seem to be hoping for, we recall a dude who was 70% aggression, 25% speed, and 5% strategy.  Should be interesting to see how that pans out.

What President/World Leader (new or old) would you compare to Dana White? – Rokabee

If we disqualify Lex Luthor for being fictional, the obvious choice seems like Vladimir Putin.  He also fancied himself a fighter/tough guy and also had some serious contempt for the media, though he was a considerably bigger dick about it.  Neither of them are big fans of compromise or transparency, but both oversaw economic booms for their respective organizations.  One big difference, however, is that Putin was in the KGB prior to assuming his big leadership role.  Dana White…well, let’s just say he wasn’t doing anything quite so cool.

Does anyone really find women’s MMA entertaining? To me it’s like destroying a piece of art bit by bit, just for the sake of saying you did it. – Kadumel

(Sigh) You know, Kadumel, sometimes the things we say in an attempt to be semi-positive reflect values we hold that are at least semi-negative, and it isn’t until we’ve said them and can’t take them back that we realize it.  It’s sort of nice that you’re comparing women – even “Cyborg” Santos” – to works of art.  It’s also sort of insulting to them, since art is something that you look at and aren’t allowed to touch unless you want that MoMA security guard all up in your shit.  

Women are people, not art.  They exist for their own sake and not simply to be enjoyed aesthetically by dudes.  Because of this, if they want to fight and possibly mess up their faces, that is their right.  Do we enjoy watching women’s MMA?  When it’s done well, definitely.  When it isn’t, not so much.  In other words, we enjoy it in much the same way we enjoy men’s MMA.  If you don’t, that’s cool.  You know who else has a big problem with women hitting each other?  Bob Reilly.  Think on that.  

Do you think that the ufc should/will come up with a ranking system so the fans have a better understanding of the pecking order of each division? – The Ox King

Should they?  Yes.  The Lyoto Machida/“Shogun” Rua title fight situation is just the latest example of the need to establish who the number one contender is at any one time and how one might go about attaining that number one contender status.  That way maybe Yushin Okami can find out exactly what he’s been doing wrong.

Will the UFC ever do this?  Probably not, and the Machida/Rua situation is a good example of why.  If they establish a documented number one contender then it becomes difficult to make title fights of convenience, which are sometimes necessary to keep the wheels of the money machine moving and the title in regular circulation.  From the UFC’s perspective, it’s easier to keep people guessing.

Who is making worse career decisions, Jose Canseco or Tim Sylvia? And quantity does not outweigh quality (or complete lack of). – Lysol

What an intriguing, depressing question.  But there’s no contest, Tim Sylvia has definitely made the worse career decisions of late, mostly because he still has something to lose.  Canseco’s been a joke for years.  He’s not to be taken seriously and everybody knows it, so it’s not as if he’s tarnishing his image by fighting Hong Man Choi.  He’s also not a real fighter, so nobody expects anything out of him.

But Sylvia was a UFC heavyweight champ not too long ago.  Now he’s showing up fat and out of shape to get KO’d by Ray Mercer, and then whining about how he wants to fight his high school bullies on MTV.  Not that he was ever a really popular fighter, but that’s still a huge fall from grace.  All we can do at this point is await the tell-all book and the unintentionally hilarious sex tape.  Shouldn’t be long now…