Steroids in MMA
Which MMA Fighter Will Test Positive For Steroids Next?

Ask The Potato

(What can we say, Dan?  The girl is obviously a die-hard Anacondas fan.)

It’s time again for us to raid our forums and single out the most and least ridiculous among you for mockery and education.  Buckle up.  If you’ve got a question of your own, and dear God we hope you do, please go here and jot it down.  Extra points for making it semi-coherent.

Do you think it’s a huge mistake for the UFC to let Dan Henderson just go like they have? – Ballentine

Short answer: yes.  Long answer: probably, but it depends how much money he really wanted and how much money they really thought he could get elsewhere.

The upsides with Henderson are: 1) he’s a hard-ass who doesn’t bitch and complain a lot, and does more or less whatever you need him to, 2) fans know who he is and generally like him, 3) and he’s the only guy in the UFC so far to convincingly win a round against Anderson Silva.  At a time when the UFC is struggling to find both credible challengers for Silva and main event-caliber draws, Hendo is a guy who can offer both.  Hard to understand why you wouldn’t want to keep him around.

That said, we don’t know for sure what kind of scratch he’s asking for.  No matter how good you are, there’s a point where your demands could exceed your worth.  The UFC might feel like a 39-year-old fighter might not be the best long-term investment, especially since he goes from contender to gatekeeper with another loss to the champ.

Knowing that no matter how much Evans and Jackson go at each other, they will never fight each other, how long will it take for their antics to become more annoying than suspenseful? – Lysol

What’s this ‘how long’ business?  Do you mean, ‘How long ago did their antics become more annoying than suspenseful?’  Because the answer to that question is, the first time we saw them jawing at one another after we heard Jackson’s retirement announcement.

The thing that’s so aggravating about it is that Jackson knew the full extent of his beef with Evans when he announced his retirement.  That guy he says he’d fight for free on the front lawn?  He knew he was turning down a chance to fight him for a lot of money, and in his own hometown.  So every time we have to see Rampage acting like it’s all he can do not to go upside Rashad’s head with a boom mic, yeah, it’s more annoying than exciting. 

Is Wes Sims just a weird guy or is he mentally challenged? – Nicer

Just weird.  You know, like Rain Man.  Wait a second…

You’re a young, virile, and of course classy Hollywood director. You need to cash in on this MMA thing while it’s hot, yet still not completely mainstream (so you can say you were there first). You write a story about a young scamp from the wrong side of the tracks who meets a hooker with a heart of gold, he/she (the hooker) introduces this young scamp to his/her pimp who becomes the scamp’s manager in an underground fight league. Once scamp is well known on the circuit, he gets his shot at the big time, but needs to throw a fight to keep a big money (Think a "6-figure contract") deal with said big time fight org… torn, well the ending is up in the air, but out of the current MMA acting all-stars of Huerta, Rampage, and Carano: Who plays the scamp, hooker w/heart of gold, and pimp?

See, not as easy as you thought to cast, huh? – My Fight Wiffa Cheeto

Not so easy indeed, Cheeto.  But I think your film has more problems than just difficult casting decisions.  For one, working in a fixed fight is always the first thing people think of when it comes time to make a fighting movie.  It can work when it’s part of the sub-plot (“Raging Bull”) or an important point in the past referenced in one of the greatest monologues of all time (“On The Waterfront”), but as the story’s main conflict, it’s cheap.  So is the “hooker with a heart of gold.”  Christ, did you really suggest that?  Better pack a bag and get out of town, Cheeto, because the cliché police are probably after you right now.

Instead, how about this: Kid grows up rough in a town that has no good side of the tracks.  He never knew his father, but had a series of stepdads who never actually married his mom and may or may not have touched him and his older brother.  Brother gets in to dealing drugs and gets sent off to jail, while our kid lives with mom, works a shitty job that he hates, gets his girlfriend pregnant, and only finds joy in fighting and training inside the town’s one hard-scrabble gym, where there’s really no trainer and no one to push him.  A fight manager sees potential in him.  He makes a call to an old ex-champ he used to manage, but who’s since fallen on hard times and resorted to substance abuse.  Out of a lack of other options, he agrees to train the kid.

Meanwhile, kid’s brother comes home and threatens to pull the kid into his world of drug-dealing and downward spiraling, pregnant girlfriend wants to know when they can get a place together, and he’s being torn in a hundred different directions.  The ex-champ turns out to be a shitty, self-absorbed trainer, but he sees a lot of himself in this angry youth and it serves as a mirror to show him what he’s become.  They argue, they butt heads, and eventually they love.  The kid wins fights.  Things are snowballing.  But the manager wants to put him in over his head for a one-time payday, meanwhile the kid assaults someone to help his brother and now he has the law after him. 

Everyone makes choices.  Everyone faces consequences.  Enemies become friends and friends become enemies.  Huerta plays the kid.  Don Frye plays the ex-champ.  Bob Sapp plays the manager.  And Tonya Evinger, in the performance of a goddamn lifetime, plays the pregnant girlfriend.  Boom.  Oscar, please.

Hello Gentlemen,
I was recently at the dentist getting some cavities filled (9 to be exact, thanks for caring) and they numbed my mouth where they were going to be drilling. thay made we think, if i am going to get punched and elbowed in the face, i would like to have a numb face. Do the fighters do this before a fight, is it illegal to have novicane applied. If it’s not illegal why don’t they do it. thanks I look forward to the answer.
– Mr. Mister

If you look at the Nevada Athletic Commission rules and provisions for unarmed combat, you’ll see that they ban, “The administration of or use of any:

     (a) Alcohol;

     (b) Stimulant; or

     (c) Drug or injection that has not been approved by the Commission, including, but not limited to, the drugs or injections listed in subsection 2, in any part of the body, either before or during a contest or exhibition…” 

Novacaine itself isn’t explicitly listed on the World Doping Agency’s list of banned substances, but my guess is there is no way any athletic commission would allow you to use it, nor would you really want to.

Think about it, Novacaine might numb the area to pain, but it’s not going to keep you from getting knocked out.  If anything, not feeling the blow and being able to react to it would probably increase your chances of being KO’d.  Plus, you might have trouble keeping your mouthpiece in, and that’s a foul, Mister.

I just found out a couple of days ago I’m going to be a dad. Do you have any Cage Potato Onesies I can dress my kid in? – Ballentine

Okay look, we don’t care what your wife says, there’s no way that kid is one of ours because we both had vasectomies during that wild and crazy night following UFC 52.  At least, we both woke up sore and had receipts from some weird doctor’s office in Mexico, so that’s what we assume happened.  Anyway, we’re not getting stuck providing clothes for Ballentine Jr.  Go find some other suckers.


Cagepotato Comments

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Tynomite- October 29, 2009 at 9:10 am
Ok, so the movie question, did you guys just realize that you were just flipping between the two movies 8 MILE and KINGPIN on TV at 3 in the morning when you wrote that gripping movie plot?
James007- October 29, 2009 at 8:44 am
His expression of pain is at the shemale's dick up his ass not at the rear naked choke.
agentsmith- October 29, 2009 at 8:12 am
"No honey, you push on the back of MY head with your other hand... pushing on the back of YOUR head comes later."
cwr- October 29, 2009 at 5:53 am
Come on Potato... I expected better. Did you really think you could rip off the Diaz brothers?
Kevin Marshall- October 28, 2009 at 9:19 pm
Hey, you're going to call this movie "Don't Be Scared, Homie." Right? Because you gotta.

Also, cameo from Frank Shamrock towards the end of the film as the protagonist's biological father in a "I didn't need you then and I don't need you now!" exchange.
just some guy- October 28, 2009 at 8:12 pm
"The UFC might feel like a 39-year-old fighter might not be the best long-term investment..."

didn't they sign a 46-year old Randy Couture to a 6 fight deal? After losing his last 2 fights?
Houstons db- October 28, 2009 at 8:00 pm
kinda creepy danomite
Lysol- October 28, 2009 at 7:55 pm
Keep in mind I asked that question a long time ago haha

But yeah, good column
danomite- October 28, 2009 at 7:43 pm
Ballentine you should just make your own onesie. My friend just had a girl and we made a bunch of onesies for her. Mine said "Punch me, I'm Irish"
terrence- October 28, 2009 at 7:18 pm
mex for the win
Mex- October 28, 2009 at 6:58 pm
I think we're all due for a new MMA-centric Air Bud sequel.
Sho Nuff- October 28, 2009 at 6:53 pm
Hey CP, the Diaz brothers called, they want their life story back.
Ruger429- October 28, 2009 at 6:21 pm
The movie could just be based off Jens Pulver's life...I'd watch that.
Salazin- October 28, 2009 at 6:06 pm
Having Evinger as pregnant made the article.
maggoty cadaver- October 28, 2009 at 6:04 pm
henderson is laughing because what the pic does not show is her feet with a leg lock sunk in deep on his third leg
TacoMafia- October 28, 2009 at 6:04 pm
Viper29- October 28, 2009 at 6:00 pm
for the movie i was thinking "City of God" meets "Fight Club" minus the dual personality
BeaverLord- October 28, 2009 at 5:52 pm
The photographer took the picture at exactly 4:51 of round 2. 1 second before Dan looked at the clock and decided to tap out to a loosely applied choke.