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Ask the Potato: Minor Celebrity Edition

This week’s Ask The Potato is too hot to handle.

Ask the Potato is back and as credible as ever- which is almost an accomplishment worth bragging about. This week, while coming up with the smartass quips that you’ve come to expect from us, we noticed that even some minor celebrities have taken notice of this feature and submitted their own questions. Naturally, we’re handling this development the way you would expect us to. We’re placing their questions before your (somewhat) serious questions in order to address people with more clout than you. Just remember, guys: We didn’t sell out: We bought in.

So let’s get to it, shall we?

@JerryMillen asks: @cagepotatomma how do u guys make money? Seriously u have 0 journalists! Must be a bunch oh HS kids. Need to fact check ur stories

We make money just like every other legitimate businessman in the sport, Jerry. After involving ourselves with shady business partners in a disappointing venture, we login to Ebay under a fake name and try to sell off the master tapes to their entire video library.

Like any respectful entrepreneur, when that doesn’t cover the bills we travel across the continental US interviewing the loved ones of our more-successful enemies then post video footage of the character assassination on the internet.

@JuneWhiteMMA asks: @cagepotatomma U know absolutely nothing about me why would u make personal comments like that about me?

It’s interesting that you equate knowing someone well with trashing them publicly, June.

Actually, we owe you an apology. It was improper of us to sneak into your home and eavesdrop on what was obviously a private, personal conversation between two concerned friends. Oh, wait, that’s not what happened at all. You got together with your son’s worst enemy—MMA’s version of a snake oil salesman—to launch a smear campaign against your own flesh and blood. Now you’re mad because we were supposed to write terrible things about him, not you, right?

To be fair, we write awful things about your son all the time and we don’t know him either. Sure, we spoke on the phone once, but largely we judge him by what he says and how he comes across in interviews. That’s what we did with you, which is why we find you to be deplorable.

RwilsonR asks: If BJ had any work ethic at all to train his cardio, would he have beaten Nick Diaz?

This question seems to get asked every time BJ Penn loses a fight. In this case, the answer is obviously no. Let’s face it, BJ Penn was taking his training seriously before this fight. Besides, it’s not like Diaz’s cardio is at backyard brawler levels. If your game plan revolves around having better cardio than Nick Diaz, you’re setting yourself up for failure. And possibly a spot on this list.

Chri534 asks : Over/under $500k: What do you think Nick deserves as a ‘locker room bonus’ for that post-fight press conference appearance?

You do realize that you’re asking this question to a group of guys who actually expect to be paid for this column, right? Perhaps we have skewed expectations of how much compensation (if any) one should receive for doing a basic part of his or her job, but we feel that if Nick Diaz wasn’t paid at least twenty million dollars for showing up to the press conference, it’s a downright shame.

We’ll keep it short and sweet this week, everyone. Tune in next week as we answer even more of your (hopefully at least kind of) MMA related questions. You know the drill: You can send us questions through our Facebook page. You can tweet them to our Twitter account. You can register for our forums and post your questions there. Or you can just post them in the comments section of this article. Not to mention any names, but you have no idea how disappointed we are that some of you have been ignoring this feature. We’re at “Spending Friday nights crying into a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and wondering why he’s ignoring us” levels of disappointment. How about changing that, okay?

Cagepotato Comments

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XENOPHON- November 8, 2011 at 1:43 pm
Hey any tape of your past fights - any of them?
J. Spaceman- November 8, 2011 at 7:42 am
When Vox Media tries to force Old Dad to write for Bloody Elbow, do you think he’ll come back?
intercept440- November 7, 2011 at 12:06 pm
what is the best remedy for lower back pain......
so far the only thing that seems to work is copius amounts of booze.
come on potato, surely with your vast amounts of knowledge you can help a nation member out.
ThePeoplesTroll- November 6, 2011 at 2:09 pm
alright cool thanks
KarmaAteMyCat- November 6, 2011 at 1:31 pm
I dont know if Ill have the video but ill post it if i do regardless.
ThePeoplesTroll- November 6, 2011 at 9:22 am
If KarmaAteMyCat loses his next fight on november 19th, are you guys going to post the fight video anyways?
1Jackal- November 6, 2011 at 9:21 am
Since Cain Velasquez is the UFC champ and is making a bunch of money then why is his father still doing physical labor by working in the fields? Please explain
Irishwolfhound491- November 6, 2011 at 8:46 am
1. Whose the bigger bitch: Dana's mom or Dirk Diggler's?
2. Who on the CP staff would Jerry Millen have a bro down with?
3. Why IS Bisping such an asshole?
KarmaAteMyCat- November 6, 2011 at 6:02 am
Do you think J3T would use teeth if I put my penis in his mouth?
XENOPHON- November 5, 2011 at 6:59 pm
Since this expose is about "minor celebrities", I'm going to have to take a pass.
When you want something from "major celebrities" drop me dime. I accept collect calls from those doing a good job representing all the way from the 337!
At that time I will ask, "How does one get an invite to tour the Cage Potato offices in mid-Wilshire?"
fatbellyfrank- November 5, 2011 at 6:19 pm
I have some questions:
To June White: Why are you such a fucken miserable bitch?
To Jerry Millen: Didn't anyone come to your birthday parties as a kid?
To Cecil peoples: You are NOT Mr Myagi so stop with the crane dance shit
To Carmen Valentina: What steps do I have to take to become your personal sex slave?
SethF- November 5, 2011 at 5:12 pm
XENOPHON, if you don't ask a question for this feature, I'm going to be very dissapointed.
itsgalf- November 5, 2011 at 4:28 pm
does June White actually use "u" instead of "you" in her twitter posts?
XENOPHON- November 5, 2011 at 4:22 pm
Ps....Thomas Spozat is the name of Carmen Valentina's strap-on.
XENOPHON- November 5, 2011 at 4:17 pm
1. Women's MMA will eventually find a home. Likely not the UFC, but there are other organizations who could cobble together enough global talent to make a competitive venue.
2. In a year from now two-to-four prime events will have happened or will soon be happening.
A. UFC and Fox will either fly, or flop. People have grown use to watching a full night of fights. One to two fights, on prime time may not be so fun, especially if there is a dull match.
A-1. The Hospitality Workers Union may force wage concessions on Zuffa.
A-2. The FBI will have finished their investigation for the Justice Department over UFC/Zuffa
B. Bellator and the big dogs at Viacom will be spinning up contractually.
B-1. Spike may just prove to be the free version of what fans want, thus taking many of the UFC fans, who care less about fake claims of having the best fighters - for great fights that are free.
C. ProElite will either fly, or get purchased. With some luck its Viacom that makes the play first as News Corp may find they overstepped in what what they spent.
D. One Fight Championship will have by then been operating for a year. If there are problems with cash flows, it will become obvious. If they are successful, with luck the U.S. networks might start broadcasting their events.
If you got something bigger, that I missed, lets hear what you think?
RSparrow- November 5, 2011 at 3:30 pm
Gotta porn star, then Dana White's mom... I say were making some headway here
Liverpunch- November 5, 2011 at 2:23 pm
You guys look like you're hurting for real questions so here are a few:

1- What do you think is a probable timetable for the demise of women's MMA. I like the fights, but I just don't see them gaining any traction with the public.

2- Where do you see MMA a year from now? Is CP still around in this hellish futurescape?

3- Who the fuck is Thomas Spozat and why is he my captcha?
dranokills- November 5, 2011 at 1:13 pm
wow........that was the biggest waste of time in a day since I jerked off 4 times, and shot air.
Gay Playnerd- November 5, 2011 at 12:57 pm
@Danga - Same as with your sister........I don't care who she's thinking of as long as it is my dick she's riding like a mechanical bull. And, yes, I know your sister is 5 yaers old.
RwilsonR- November 5, 2011 at 12:50 pm
Could God create a rock so big even he couldn't lift it? If so, how big would this rock be on a scale from Chael Sonnen's testicles on one end to Tito Ortiz's head on the other?
Viva Hate- November 5, 2011 at 12:03 pm
Has any of the CP staff ordered from any of the spam sites that are all over the comment section? If so, did you ever get what was ordered? Or how was the UFC porn?
SumDumGuy- November 5, 2011 at 12:02 pm
do you think pissing DFW:s mom of will help or hurt the Potato's chances of getting credentialed again?
Viva Hate- November 5, 2011 at 12:02 pm
Why do you guys keep deleting RealTalks comments? he is very upset by it you know.
CrushCo- November 5, 2011 at 11:28 am
@Danga- Well played, sir.
DangadaDang- November 5, 2011 at 11:24 am
It doesn't matter which one she would choose, cause we all know she'd be thinking of me the entire time.