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Behind Bars Beat Down

On Saturday, there was an article about an incident at a Cranston, R.I. prison that seems tailor made for Pay-Per-View. Dudes in prison were beating the shit out of each other in what was described as an “ultimate fighting” contest. The freedom-challenged guys were claiming to be playing chess in a dorm room at the minimum security prison, but correctional officers got suspicious when they noticed bruises on their heads and knuckles. However, there never would have been an investigation had any of the officers ever played chess with my family. You’d be lucky to escape with just bruises.

Department of Corrections spokeswoman Tracey Poole was quoted in the article:

Investigators learned that some inmates were injured and others were gambling on the matches, Poole said. Inmates also had a makeshift championship belt, cut out of a magazine and given to the best fighter.

Prison officials on Dec. 9 disciplined 10 inmates by transferring them to higher-security facilities and sending them to segregation cells for 10 days.

But the fights continued. On Dec 19, another 10 inmates were transferred out, and given 30 days of segregation.

Officials are investigating whether any staff condoned the activity.It’s possible, Poole said, that inmates posted a sentry at the door of the fight room, so that the fighting would stop when the guard approached.

“This is the first time we have been aware of any ultimate fighting going on,” she said.

Poole told the newspaper that the winner of the contest was Christopher Suarez, 22, of Woonsocket.  

Suarez, you lucky bastard. You are now the proud owner of a championship belt made of magazine pieces. Maybe you’ll have better luck selling it on eBay. The champ is serving a 16-month sentence for felony assault, earned when he and three other men beat up some guy and his girlfriend in January. Fortunately for Suarez, the WCO is looking for fighters and might be on their third event around the time he gets out. No word on what weight class he’ll be in or what style he employs, but we’ll let you know when we get the scoop.

Seriously, think about it: they already have a ‘cage’, everyone knows prisoners gotta’ fight to survive and there’s no ref. I’d be all over this if Pay-Per-View offered it up. Sure, the submissions would be sloppy, the announcer would be some dude named Snake who has one leg and chronic diarrhea, there’d be no cut man (sweet!), and the striking would simply be ‘swing for the fences and see what happens’. All that spells damn good fun if you ask me. The entrance music would certainly be better than some we’ve heard and the ground and pounds would be terrific. Everyone send Pay-Per-View, Spike TV – or even Lifetime – a letter begging for this event. I’ll bring the beer.

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