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BELLATOR BLOODBATH 2014: Promotion Cuts 19 Fighters to Make Room for Tito vs. Kimbo (Allegedly)

(The referee isn’t mad at Eric Prindle. He’s just disappointed. / Photo via Sherdog.)

Hey everybody, thanks for joining me on such short notice. The reason I called you all to the conference room today is because, well, you know with every change in leadership there’s going to be some growing pains. I don’t want to use the word “redundancies,” because I don’t see a single person in this room who I’d call “redundant.” You’re all unique, valuable — we hired you for a reason. And we appreciate what you’ve done to help Bellator grow. By the way, the bagels and cream cheese are for everybody, feel free to dig in. I think there are some plastic knives in that bag over there.

The reality of the situation, however, is this: The current budgetary climate has forced us to get lean and mean. Maybe it’s just temporary, maybe it’s the new normal. But the fact is that we’re trying to stay competitive in the post-Bjorn era, and that means trimming some fat. Well, again, “fat” is a word I don’t like to use because it implies something unwanted that has grown on the body due to excess consumption, or a general lack of movement. So yes, maybe “trimming some fat” is actually the perfect metaphor to use here.

At any rate, the partners have gotten together and pored over every contract, and — look, I’m just going to say it — 19 of you have been fired. The following people will no longer be working here, effective immediately…

Eric Prindle. Anthony Leone. Frank Baca, Nick Kirk. Travis Marx. Hiroshi Nakamura. Rodrigo Lima. Sergej Grecicho…good to finally meet you, Sergej. Jared Downing. Jason Fischer. Tim Welch. Nathan Coy. Anthony Lemon. Trey Houston. Vaughn Anderson. Keith Berry. Jeremy Kimball. Carlos Eduardo. Eric Smith.

If I’ve called your name, please report to HR where your severance benefits will be explained to you, and then go back to your desk where a security guard will be present to watch you gather your things in a cardboard box. Yes, it’s the kind of cardboard box with the handles on the sides, so we expect this transition to be as smooth as possible.

For the rest of you, wow, quite a day, am I right? You can breathe easy now. We see all of you as the fighters who are going to help get Bellator to the next level. All of you are crucial supporting talent that will give an air of legitimacy to the circus freak show bullshit that we will need to promote in order to keep our heads above water. That rumored fight between Tito Ortiz and Kimbo Slice? I can neither confirm or deny that at this moment. All I can say is: Watch out for that metal thing.

I said, watch out for that metal thing. Huh. I was expecting a bigger laugh there.

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