bad celebrity tattoos
20 Celebrities With Truly Awful Tattoos

Bellator XIX Recap: Bitches Don’t Know About My Welterweight Semifinals


(The ending of Hornbuckle vs. Carl. Props: YouTube.com/BellatorMMA)

By DL “Bellat-Whore” Richardson

Chances are that if you watch Bellator, you’re going to see something new. Unless you’re Jordan Breen, you’re probably going to see a fighter or two you haven’t watched before. You may see something silly, like Matt Major’s sweet man-panties at Bellator XVI. Or it may be something exciting, like a 360 degree spinning guard pass and punch from Ryan Thomas at Bellator XV. This is part of the excitement of watching a Bellator event: the joy of discovery that many MMA fans just don’t get very often these days. Sure, we may be surprised by the results of fights — that’s why they have gambling on MMA — but most of us have a rough idea of what to expect when we sit down to a Pay Per View. Not so with the BFC. Bjorn Rebney has managed to catch lightening in a bottle, putting on interesting cards on a weekly basis with up-and-coming talent that deserves the exposure.

Bellator XIX went down in Grand Prairie, Texas last night, with the welterweight tournament semifinals and a featherweight SuperFight on tap. Results after the jump. Also, a concise explanation as to why they call it “the jump.”

I don’t know why they call it “the jump.” Sorry. But since you’re here….

Steve Carl vs. Dan “The Handler” Hornbuckle [WW semi-final #1]
Steve Carl may be boring. I say that because every interview and news piece about the guy seems to focus on one of two things, or both: his service in the US military, and his battle back from a terrible injury. I bet the guy has some cool stories to tell, but we won’t hear them. Of the four men left in the welterweight tourney, Carl has gotten the least amount of hype and attention. (On a side note, Carl has a sponsor that you may have heard of: Ranger Up. They seem like good peoples.) His opponent is one of the best 170 pounders to have never stepped into the Octagon: Dan “The Handler” Hornbuckle. Bellator doesn’t have much highlight film on Hornbuckle, because dude wrapped up his quarterfinal match with the quickness: a nasty triangle choke in the first round against Tyler Stinson.

Ok, here we go: Carl and Hornbuckle come out quickly and meet in the center, exchange a few exploratory shots, and Carl shoots. He gets Hornbuckle down, stuffs him into the fence, and starts doing work. He wants to attack “The Handler’s” gas tank, and he plans on doing it with healthy doses of knuckle to the ribs. Unfortunately, he’s in a very dangerous guard; “The Handler” could just as easily be “Daddy Longlegs.” Carl looks good early, even trapping one of Hornbuckle’s arms behind his back, but Hornbuckle has spent too much time on the mats. He regains a full guard, works for a bit to create space, and immediately works a kimura keylock on Carl’s left side. Carl begins to lean to take some of the pressure off of his shoulder, and Hornbuckle uses those stilts of his to solidify his position and crank the arm. There’s no way out for Carl. Dan Hornbuckle defeats Steve Carl via submission, 2:31 of Round 1.

“Funky” Ben Askren vs. Ryan “The Tank Engine” Thomas [WW semi-final #2]
Bellator may be a relative newcomer as an MMA promotion, but they’ve shown that they know how to nurture a good storyline. Askren v Thomas is a prime example. After a controversial ref stoppage in the quarterfinals, Bjorn Rebney publicly promised Ryan Thomas a return to the tournament if there was an opening. One week later, Thomas re-entered the quarterfinals, won his match, and the smack talk began. Ben Askren prodded his opponent, Tweeting that he planned to choke Thomas out and thanking Rebney “for making [his] path to the finals so easy.” Thomas did not take kindly to this, and said on multiple occasions that he was going to give Askren the beating of his life.

It’s no secret that Askren wants this on the ground: he’s literally a world-class wrestler, and he apparently holds a purple belt in BJJ. It takes less than 20 seconds for Askren to take the fight to his world. He pulls a belly to belly falldown, and lands atop Thomas. What follows is five full minutes of scrambling. There is no lay and pray here, possibly because Askren is very good at maintaining position but not so good that he can finish a submission. Thomas can defend anything Askren tries, but he just can’t power out from under the former Olympian. It’s entertaining, at least, which isn’t always the case with wrestlers.

Second round, and Thomas is not screwing around. He scores a takedown against Askren, and wants to let fly with some good ol’ ground and pound and then hit the showers. Askren, though, manages to worm out of danger. Here’s where Askren’s nickname, “Funky,” starts to sink in. It’s well-nigh impossible to explain or describe the way Askren moves. He’s lanky and flexible and holding him down is on par with getting a good grip on a greased weasel hopped up on Mountain Dew. Seriously, Askren goes from being in Thomas’s side control, gives up back side control, does a fucking headstand into a sort of half-guard, kind of kneebar set up, and suddenly Thomas is scrambling to maintain top position. Thomas goes for a toe hold, but he can’t put enough pressure on the ankle. The struggle briefly in what could be described as a human Gordian knot, and then Askren is on top in side control. This is the story of the bout: The offense of Askren and defense of Thomas are even matched to the point of stalemate, but Askren is holding dominant positions. Askren really needs to learn how to finish when he gets full mount or crucifix.

Final frame: Thomas comes out with a good combo and a stiff knee, but Askren shoots and takes him to his butt. “The Tank Engine” looks to work a choke, perhaps a modified guillotine like the one Askren beat him with last month, but his arms aren’t quite long enough. They’re on the floor, and they’ll scramble here all night if the locals would let ‘em, but they only have four more minutes. Ben Askren rides it out for a unanimous decision over Ryan Thomas. He will meet Dan Hornbuckle in Bellator’s season 2 welterweight finals.

Diego “The Octopus” Saraiva vs. Joe “The Hammer” Soto
Even Bellator concedes that Joe Soto was a relative unknown when he entered the season 1 featherweight tournament, but he used his wrestling and boxing to climb to the top of the heap at 145. Soto represents the BFC champions tonight in a SuperFight against Brazilian dynamo Diego Saraiva, who has never been stopped and does not know the word quit. Seriously, English is his second language, and no one has ever taught him the words “quit,” “submit,” “uncle,” or even “owshitthathurts.”

The bell rings, and Soto and Saraiva greet each other with some probing jabs. The both look comfortable striking, but no damage is done yet. Soto has a quick shot, and they go to the ground. Remember that stuff I was saying earlier about always seeing new things? Well, I wasn’t just blowing smoke. This bout is a seminar on the potential and perils of the Spider Guard. If you’re unfamiliar, you stupid newb, it’s the upper body equivalent of butterfly guard, using the insteps and shins to control the opponent’s chest and shoulders. If you can control your opponent’s wrists, you effectively shut down their offense completely. Saraiva works this magic trick well, keeping Soto from posturing up and throwing murderballs, disrupting his balance, landing some fists and even going for an omoplata. For his part, Soto stays active whenever he gets a free hand, working body punches and hammer fists. This spider guard just makes it difficult to get his hands free. There’s a minute left and not much has happened, when Soto yanks an arm away from Saraiva, leans in just a bit, and unleashes a couple of short elbows. One of them finds a home on Saraiva’s forehead, opening a gash that quickly becomes a gush. Time runs out, but you know what’s going to happen. The docs call an end to it between rounds, over Saraiva’s protests. Joe Soto defeats Diego Saraiva via TKO (doctor stoppage) at 5:00 of Round 1.


(Props: Card)

Jared Lopez vs. “Brutal” Johnny Bedford
OK, we got some airtime left, so we get a look at some of the local boys, a bantamweight scrap that could potentially lead to an invite to Bellator’s 135-pound tournament starting in August. No need to know anything about these guys other than they’re young, hungry, and likely to go for broke.

The bell sounds, and they close in on one another. Bedford is the obvious crowd favorite, but Lopez has some good hands to start off. He fires some good right hands at Bedford’s domepiece, and he’s landing. The announcers explain that Lopez is comfortable on his feet, but not so much on the ground. While we ponder what the hell this guy is doing in MMA, Bedford rushes in for a takedown after a sloppy Lopez kick misses. Bedford starts working to put Lopez to sleep, throwing bombs from his feet, then in Lopez’s guard. Lopez works a closed guard and tries to keep Bedford close. “Brutal” Johnny eventually works loose and starts throwing strikes again, then wraps a guillotine. As the round closes, Lopez pops his head out of danger, but he doesn’t have time to do anything.

Second round, and they start with some stand-up dueling again. Sixty seconds in, Bedford again takes Lopez down for some more pounding. He gets side control, then north-south as he applies a kimura, then an armbar. Then he gives up and goes back to good ol’ American ground and pound. Lopez works his way up, catching an illegal knee on the way, and he wants to bang on the feet. Bedford drags him down again, still trying to pound him out. Lopez works up, Bedford drags him down. There’s the bell, and it’s on to the final frame.

Round three and they come out swinging. Bedford stuns Lopez against the cage, and starts swinging some crazy uppercuts into Lopez’s vital organs. He’s digging with knees, trying to KO Lopez with body shots. Bedford shoots, but the ref stands them up quickly. Bedford gets a good thai clinch, and digs with knees some more. Lopez falls over, and Bedford throws a couple more punches before the ref sprints in. Johnny Bedford defeats Jared Lopez via TKO, 2:16 of Round 3.

Of course, there were a few fights you could only see live….

- Scott Barrett def. Ty Lee via TKO (punches), 2:25 of Round 1

- Chas Skelly def. Daniel Pineda via submission (kneebar), 2:16 of Round 2

- Joe Christopher def. Brandon McDowell via submission (guillotine choke), 1:36 of Round 1

- Douglas Frey def. Aaron Wise via submission (guillotine choke), 0:49 of Round 1

- Joshua Smith def. Donyiell Winrow via unanimous decision (30-27 x 3)

Related news: Bjorn Rebney wants to set up Eddie Alvarez vs. Gilbert Melendez, and a 115-pound women’s tournament has been locked down for season three.

Cagepotato Comments

Showing 1-25 of comments

comments
Sort by : Show hidden comments
PusVomit- May 21, 2010 at 9:15 pm
GREAT HEADLINE COCK SUCKER!
Mr_Misanthropy- May 21, 2010 at 1:57 pm
The Ballet Tour continues, from parts unmentionable to parts unknown. I thought it was called after the jump because you have to leap over your computer every time you switch pages. No wonder my roommates hate me.
ghostboner- May 21, 2010 at 1:00 pm
I am Jordan Breen...?
Mamaplata- May 21, 2010 at 12:48 pm
He better dip his dick BEFORE he crawls BACK into MY bed... As for the threesome he obviously cant handle; me him and wifey...
Cestus84- May 21, 2010 at 12:24 pm
Did you guys catch these fights yesterday. I looked for them on my Fox channels and I found it on FSW at 11pm, then when I tuned in, there was MLS. Wtf?
Viva Hate- May 21, 2010 at 12:19 pm
You heard her Rex, just dip you dick in Purell and you have permission.
justscrappin- May 21, 2010 at 12:10 pm
Wait...who is the other woman? Mamaplata...Wifey..who is the third?
Mamaplata- May 21, 2010 at 12:00 pm
Go ahead and get a girlfriend... Just make sure you sanitize your stuff before you try to come crawling back into my bed...

Someone should pull your man card.

wifey, I try... lol..
ReX13- May 21, 2010 at 11:49 am
Oh sure, it's all fun and games, but then i mention we should get a girlfriend, next thing i know, i'm choked out and sleeping in the guest bedroom.
wifey- May 21, 2010 at 11:35 am
mamaplata, you are too funny!
Viva Hate- May 21, 2010 at 11:29 am
@Rex,

Rex she is acting like she has a royal flush but she only has ace high.


Call her bluff Rex! CALL HER BLUFF!
Mamaplata- May 21, 2010 at 11:17 am
ReX13 > I guess this means you can't handle a threesome... And for the record, there are like 16 guys to the 3 girls in the group... Man up big boy.
Almost North- May 21, 2010 at 10:33 am
War Eastern Band of the Cherokee. Making us all proud Dan.
cecils_pupils- May 21, 2010 at 10:09 am
ReX so then that would mean that the facebook app is smarter than me... im not so sure my ego can handle that.

[sigh] i am more comfortable believing that it is a random act and I am somehow super-lucky and it's time to find my pot-o-gold! Where's that damned leprechaun!
Robocop Didnt Tap- May 21, 2010 at 9:45 am
Dan Hornbuckle...awesome or really awesome? You make the call.
ReX13- May 21, 2010 at 9:36 am
cecils>> it looks like if you have friends who "liked" CP, they show up over there. All of my boxes are people i've friended.
GUI-uh-TEEN- May 21, 2010 at 9:30 am
Who is this DL Richardson character and what does he think he knows about MMA? Probably got his writing experience from 7th grade English class and writing on online cat forums...
cecils_pupils- May 21, 2010 at 9:27 am
Weird... but pretty freakin' sweet! That's three in a row!

You know how the facebook app on the side of the page shows like 8 fan photos at a time and every time you change pages it cycles through fan photos?

Out of 5,777 facebook fans I have seen ReX13, jimbonics and Ben Goldstein's mug shot three times in a freakin' row! The odds of that happening are staggering... that must mean you all are collaborating on something...
cecils_pupils- May 21, 2010 at 9:15 am
Well done wReX n Effex... another solid write up.

And what the hell is up with that leakin' fore-gina!! Damn!... I hereby request a top ten list of MMA's most gaping cranial vajayjay's in the history of the world...
jimbonics- May 21, 2010 at 8:25 am
Another fine write-up by ReXasaurus ReX.

This time, I was ready to watch it. Except FSSW nor sopcast was showing it :'(
k-onda- May 21, 2010 at 8:16 am
I love it, his brain is like jizzing on the mic during the press conference, awesome. Oh, and Bellator's the best, always a top scraps, etc etc.
ReX13- May 21, 2010 at 7:46 am
Savage Henry>> Ouch. You're absolutely right. I skimmed over that mistake at least twice and didn't catch it. It's not the only typo i made either.

Like i said: easter eggs! Collect them all!

justscrappin- May 21, 2010 at 7:40 am
Hey...when are Wifey and Mamaplata going to start recruiting cp groupies for us? We need some women with daddy issues, a deflated sense of self worth, an inability to say no when asked to perform fellatio, a credit card. Any one...or combination of those traits will be welcomed. They can be missing limbs, mute, deaf, missing one of their two eyes...have scars or a natural mutilation/birth defect. They do however have to be educated on mma, not get offended at our jokes...and be able to take a pretty vicious shot to the dome...so they can help me in a bar fight. They also have to have one positive physical trait. You know...pretty face, great rack, round butt, childbirthing hips, long gams. Just one is sufficient...I'm not expecting cold fusion here.
Viva Hate- May 21, 2010 at 7:34 am
Yes, join the FB group!

We have a very modern style cave, contemporary design. And if you join today we will throw in a free loin cloth. All the cool kids are there! We even have pie and soda! Someone spiked the punch and I am pretty sure there are some roofies floating around.

Viva La Potato Nation Revolucion?!!!!!!!
Savage Henry- May 21, 2010 at 7:33 am
Next time you watch Bellator, maybe you could take your eyes off his "sweet man-panties" long enough to learn that his name is actually Matt Major.
CagePotatoMMA