I just have to know — CAN, YOU, *FEEEEEEL* IT!!!!!!!(?)
You know how this works. Click the “MORE” link and refresh the page every few minutes to get the latest updates on UFC 80: “Rapid Fire,” which comes to us live from Newcastle, England. All times ET.
2:51 p.m.: Hey, thanks for coming!
3:02: Man, look at all those white people. Fookin’ Geordies!
3:03: Is this the first time Joe Rogan hasn’t worn a black button-down shirt? Dude’s switchin’ it up with the gray…
3:06: Middleweights Kendall Grove and Korge Rivera are up first. Spark one up for our boy Kendall. For some reason, we thought Jorge Rivera would have an accent. He kinda sounds like Denzel Washington in Training Day. Rivera comes out listening to his iPod. Wonder if it’s the same song as his entrance music (Bob Marley?).
3:11: Kendall Grove comes out wearing the Union Jack as a skirt. Is that offensive? Troy “Rude Boy” Mandaloniz is in his corner, and that’s definitely offensive.
3:12: Joe Rogan: “There’s a lot of fake everything in Vegas.” Mike Goldberg: “You got that right!”
3:16: It’s already over! Jorge wins by TKO! He took Grove down right away, GnP’d him a bit…Grove got to his feet where Rivera threw bombs at his face until Grove’s legs went out. 1:20 of the first round…holy crap.
3:25: Lambert comes out to a Rick Rubin-era Johnny Cash joint. Nice. But at 5’10” and semi-doughy, he should really be a middleweight.
3:28: Round 1. Lambert takes Gouveia down and almost falls into a swickitine. Gouveia then attempts an armbar, which fails. Lambert lands some shots from the top. And some more. But Gouveia kicks him off and it’s back standing. Lambert gets back on top after a big knee. Gouveia locks a triangle and Lambert slams him to shake out of it! Even though he’s in control, Lambert’s always in danger as long as the fight’s on the ground. Lambert with elbows from the top. There’s the bell. Lambert takes the round, easy.
3:34: They can’t seem to find Gouveia’s mouthpiece, which delays the fight. Ridiculous. Now round 2 stars. Lambert pounds Gouveia against the cage. OH SHIT, GOUVEIA KNOCKS LAMBERT THE FUCK OUT! KNOCKOUT OF THE NIGHT! Left hook out of nowhere…
3:37: 37 seconds into round 2, via knockout. Lambert’s people are explaining to him what happened. He says, “You’re kidding me.”
3:43: Goldberg: Davis “wants to fight the man who called him a fake Irishman, and he, is, angry.”
3:45: Marcus’s entrance music? Irish pipes and drums, into House of Pain’s “Jump Around.” And he’s wearing a kilt. So, pretty Irish.
3:47: Davis’s mother was the neighborhood arm-wrestling champ.
3:49: Round 1: Liuadin with some sharp leg-kicks. WHAT?!? Marcus finds his timing and knocks Liaudin out with one punch! Marcus puts the cherry on top with two punches on the ground before Yamasaki pulls him off. Davis puts his kilt back on like it’s nothin’. Liaudin is still on the ground. Davis wins by KO 1:04 into the first. Who will get the KO of the Night bonus? Will they all end in knockouts?
3:53: The crowd starts booing Davis for talking too long about what he did to Liaudin. Anyway, good show, even though this means that it won’t be Fight of the Night. Which means at least one, and probably two of my bonus predictions are wrong.
3:58: Welterweights Paul Taylor and Paul Kelly are next. Michael Bisping walks out behind teammate Paul Kelly. Linkin Park blasts out of the speakers — I guess those guys are still cool across the pond? Taylor’s music choice is Powerman 5000. So he gets the edge there.
4:03: Kelly is in the black trunks, Taylor in the yellow. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to tell them apart.
4:04: Round 1. These guys start slugging immediately. MG: “Are you kidding me?!” JR: “This is like a movie fight.” Taylor has Kelly against the cage, Kelly reverses it. Taylor landing some bombs. The dude is quick, but Kelly takes him down. Kelly lands some elbows from the top. More GnP. Taylor is bleeding from nose. Taylor tries for an armbar but is stuffed. Kelly is teeing off from the top. And there’s the bell. Kelly surely takes the first. This could be the Fight of the Night.
4:10: Round 2. Taylor gets the takedown and has top position this time. He gives Kelly a taste of his own medicine, but Kelly reverses and it’s back to Taylor on his back. Taylor goes for the kimura but isn’t in the best position and loses it. Kelly rains down punches from the guard. He’s on his way to a decision. Kelly is all over Taylor. Taylor is cut bad on his forehead from a Kelly elbow. Blood is shooting out of that thing…and the bells sounds.
4:16: Round 3 starts with the men hugging in the center of the ring. Kelly winds up on top of Taylor again. Kelly gets side-control and lands big elbows. Penn and Stevenson will have to deal with a lot of Taylor’s blood under their feet. Herb stands ‘em up and Taylor works Kelly with punches before he’s taken down again. JR: “It’s getting kinda futile” for Taylor. Kelly GnP’s for the remainder of the round. The bell sounds and they grapple on the ground — with love. Lotta mutual respect here.
4:23: It’s a unanimous decision, obviously. Kelly’s dialect is nearly incomprehensible.
4:29: Werdum/Gonzaga is next. Fun facts: Fabricio Werdum was Mirko Cro Cop’s jiu-jitsu coach for a long time, and “Napao” means “big nose.”
4:34: Werdum is so psyched to fight he almost forgets to get his face vazzed up.
4:35: Entrance Music of the Night Bonus: Gabriel Gonzaga, for picking Danzig’s “Mother.” HARDCORE.
4:39: Anybody know how many pounds in a “stone”?
4:40: Round 1. Gonzaga takes Werdum down. Gonzaga is reppin’ hard for condomdepot.com. This could be one of those fights were they’re both so good on the ground that it becomes tedious. Gonzaga gets half-guard. Werdum kicks him off and it’s standing again. Gonzaga takes Werdum’s legs out with a kick, but he gets back up. Gonzaga nails him with three more huge leg kicks, but Werdum takes him down after a missed head kick. Werdum’s on top, in half-guard. Big elbows from Werdum. Gonzaga spins into a knee-bar attempt, but it goes nowhere. Stalemate until the bell. Gotta give round 1 to Gonzaga for the better striking.
4:46: Round 2. Werdum lands some nice punches, but a takedown attempt is stuffed. More punches from Werdum. Both miss head kicks, but Gonzaga lands two leg-kicks. Gonzaga lands two body kicks, catches a kick from Werdum and throws him to the ground, but doesn’t get on top. Gonzaga doesn’t seem to want to go to the ground with Werdum…the crowd boos the apparent cowardice. Big knee from Werdum, and three more in a clinch. Werdum keeps working the thai clinch and forces Gonzaga to the ground. Werdum bashes him repeatedly, and Gonzaga does nothing. Dan Miragliotta steps in…TKO win for Werdum, 4:34 into round 2.
4:53: Damn…Gonzaga went out like a bitch.
4:49: Lightweight championship match is next. Feel free to make your specific time/round/means predictions now.
5:01: Joe walks out to “Machine Head” by Bush. He looks more pissed than pumped. A calm anger.
5:04: BJ walks out to a song by that morbidly obese Hawaiian whose name I’ve forgotten. I think. Anyway, it’s real boring. BJ is “a hero in Hilo.” Like Gouveia, he tries to enter the cage without first visiting Jacob “Stitch” Duran for a vaseline treatment. Herb Dean will be reffing.
5:11: Round 1: BJ punches Joe to the ground immediately! BJ’s on top, landing some body shots. BJ presses Joe against the cage. Joe tries to escape, but BJ controls him. BJ gets the mount, but Joe slips out. Joe looks hurt after a punch. BJ’s on him like a blanket. Joe lands some solid punches from the bottom. Joe’s forhead is cut WIDE OPEN by an elbow. There is an astounding amount of blood. No way he can last five rounds with that. Buzzer goes, BJ takes #1 easy.
5:17: Round 2: Joe wants to end it. Blood pours betwen his eyes. BJ peppers Joe will well-placed punches. Herb calls T.O. to check the cut. Uh-oh.
5:20: We’re back on. BJ is winning this round with standup, then mobs Joe with punches, sending him to the ground. BJ gets the mount. Joe is screwed. BJ works him over with punches, then takes his back. BJ goes back to mount, with his feet hooked under Joe’s legs. BJ takes Joe’s back again and gets the choke. BJ PENN IS THE UFC LIGHTWEIGHT CHAMPION.
5:23: Joe Stevenson looks like he was in a car accident. One of the bloodiest fights ever. Joe blubbers in defeat.
5:26: Rogan: “Is this the new era of BJ Penn?” Penn: “Look at my abs, you tell me! Sean Sherk, you’re dead!”
5:27: Sherk gets in the cage and says he has no respect for BJ, and his title isn’t real. BJ shakes his hand, wishes him a good fight.
5:29: Colin Robinson and Antoni Hardonk close out the broadcast with their heavyweight bout from the prelim card.
5:31: Hardonk comes out to that Kronos Quartet (?) jam that was used in Requiem for a Dream and Lord of the Rings. Meh.
5:33: Robinson’s tune is “Whiskey in the Jar” by Thin Lizzy. FUCK YOU GONZAGA!!!
5:34: Could they be showing this match because there was no clear Fight of the Night from the main card? Could this be a war?
5:35: Round 1: Hardonk gets in some brutal leg kicks and Robinson’s leg just gives out. He tries to get up but can’t. Yamasaki stops it after 17 seconds. Robinson complains about the stoppage, but Yamasaki basically saved Robinson’s life by stopping it. Oh well.
5:39: Weird fight. In the replay, it shows that Robinson was clearly rocked by Hardonk’s jab. Lights out, TKO.
5:41: Light heavyweights Alessio Sakara and James Lee are next. Damn, this is the eigth fight on the broadcast and counting. Is that a record?
5:45: The banner tattooed on Sakara’s chest says Usque Ad Finem. Translation?
5:46: James Lee really doesn’t need to be a light heavy.
5:48: Round 1: Lee shoots in for a takedown, and tenaciously pursues Sakara around the cage, leg in hands. He gets Sakara to the ground, but Sakara pops out. Sakara lands a head kick, Lee goes for the leg again, and Sakara pounds him on the head until Lee fades out and Miraglotta stops it. Might have been a bit early, but Lee wasn’t really defending himself. TKO at 1:31 of the first for Sakara.
5:52: Lee blew out his back during a takedown attempt, which may explain his odd technique…you’ll have to see it, and I’ll try to post the vid soon.
5:54: They just called BJ Penn’s victory “Submission of the Night,” which means at least one of my bonus predictions was right. Goldberg and Rogan run down the night. And that’s pretty much it. Thanks for stopping by. More on UFC 80 to come…