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BREAKING: Every UFC Title Fight Will Now Determine #1 Pound-for-Pound Fighter in the World

(Fan-made poster by graphzilla)

See, this is exactly why we put a ban on asking Dana White’s opinion about every little goddamned thing. The last time we saw the UFC’s hyperbolic carnival barker, he was making the absurd claim that bantamweight champion Renan Barao would probably become the #1 pound-for-pound fighter in the world if he stops Urijah Faber — a dude who Barao already beat before.

That win would represent Barao’s first defense of his brand-new unified title. Meanwhile, Jon Jones has defended his light-heavyweight belt six times so far, a tally that includes wins against four former LHW champs. But for the purposes of desperately hyping up a mid-level pay-per-view that could end up competing with the Super Bowl, we’ll just pretend that Jones doesn’t exist.

One week later, Dana White is pulling the same transparent bullshit for a different fight altogether:

“[If Weidman beats Belfort] he’s the best. He’s No. 1. How is he not No. 1 pound-for-pound in the world if he beats Vitor Belfort?” White exclaimed. “It’s impossible not to call him the No. 1 pound-for-pound guy.”

You hear that? IMPOSSIBLE! Don’t even try it, ya dummy! When a reporter pointed out that White recently made the same proclamation about Renan Barao, White made a very cogent argument in support of his new stance. Just kidding:

“If [Weidman] beats Vitor, Barão’s [expletive] No. 2!”

You hear that? You’re DOGSHIT, Barao! The potential coronation of Chris Weidman as New P4P King is ridiculous for the same reasons that White’s hype of Barao was ridiculous: 1) Jon Jones still exists, you guys, and 2) What exactly would Weidman prove by beating Belfort, that he hasn’t already proven with his two wins against the greatest MMA fighter who ever lived? And don’t forget, if Belfort’s application for a TRT exemption is rejected, Weidman will be beating up on an old, sick man who lacks fully-functioning testicles due to previous steroid abuse. That doesn’t even seem fair.

So I guess this is what we’re doing from now on, huh? If Ronda Rousey whoops Sara McMann next month, she’s the #1 pound-for-pound fighter in the world? And if Jones beats Teixeira in April (if!), maybe he’ll reclaim his rightful spot at the top? The stakes are high, people! Buy the pay-per-view today, drink your Ovaltine, and watch the money card at all times

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