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Brock Lesnar Re-Signs With the WWE, Immediately F-5′s Vince McMahon [BECAUSE STONE COLD SAID SO]

(“Brock, I want to trust you, I really do. But I’ve seen The Jeffersons before and I’m pretty sure this isn’t how you fix my bad back.”)

I might not follow professional wrestling anymore, but I’ve started to notice a pattern of sorts in regards to Brock Lesnar’s relationship with the WWE, which has to be the easiest job that anyone could ever ask for. Seriously, Lesnar shows up once every year or so, says less than a sentence, F-5′s whoever the hell is standing across the ring from him, and then stands menacingly over the victim’s body until they cut to commercial. He’s like the Mongo of the WWE, only instead of punching horses, Lesnar takes out his frustrations on genetically-enhanced geriatrics like Vince McMahon, who the announcers hilariously reminded us was in fact a grandfather while Lesnar was tossing him through the air like a bag of garbage during last night’s Monday Night Raw as the dude from Hardcore Pawn stared on in horror. Pretty sweet gig if you ask me.

We probably should’ve seen something like this coming when it was reported that Lesnar had signed a two year extension with the wrestling promotion, but the exact same routine, down to the sleeveless black tee and breakaway pants? Methinks the WWE is running out of ideas. I mean, they could’ve at least gone the Shooter route and had Lesnar show up sporting some camo pants and an unkempt beard before declaring that McMahon had double-crossed/left him for dead at last year’s SummerSlam. Seriously, Vince, if you’re looking for a writer with a penchant for abortion jokes and hyperbole, I’m your guy.

Video below.

(Skip to the 4:30 mark for the action.) 

Adding to the embarrassment of Lesnar’s return was the fact that Erik Koch had apparently stolen most of the former heavyweight champ’s spray tan before he could complete his transformation into Cinderella’s pumpkin carriage like he always wanted, resulting in the disconcerting hue of red-orange that took center stage last night. Truly a sad day in the world of fantasy fiction, and it’s a shame what happened to Cinderella as well. BA-DUM-TSH!

-J. Jones

Cagepotato Comments

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Dagnut- January 31, 2013 at 5:08 am
I don't know a lot about wrestling,but that Vince McMahon must be near 70 years old...he must be some tough cunt getting launched around like that
crappiefloper- January 30, 2013 at 8:19 am
Did you put a lesner post on here for the sole purpose of infuriating me? Cause if so, we'll done.
Daddy_jeffy- January 30, 2013 at 5:58 am
Lesnar just a pawn in game of life.
boober- January 29, 2013 at 11:14 pm
"the user has made this video not available in your country"
Seems like every fucking youtube video you guys put up on this has this message, fuck you, assholes.
Mr_Misanthropy- January 29, 2013 at 7:58 pm
Tell wrestling to go find its own cesspit of trolls.
Mr_Misanthropy- January 29, 2013 at 9:12 pm
On the internet aside from all the trolls that fill its stadiums and put it on their televisions.
El Guapo- January 29, 2013 at 3:12 pm
Danga, Danga, Danga. What can be said about you that can't be said about Afghanistan?
Alan K- January 29, 2013 at 2:53 pm
Stay classy, MMA fans.
amsterdamheavy- January 29, 2013 at 2:43 pm
"I might not follow professional wrestling anymore..."

You fucking liar. Stop putting stories about this faggotry on my MMA "News" outlet.
J.Jones- January 29, 2013 at 2:09 pm
@PELF - Because watching a 67 year-old man get powerbomed by a silverback gorilla transcends all sports, that's why.
teep- January 29, 2013 at 2:00 pm
Thanks for the skip advice Jones! If I had to watch all of that I would have had to harm myself afterward! Two questions: Is Brock jogging or dancing? And why does the announcer say "what is he doing here?" The answer is that Brock has mouths to feed and no where else to go! And I kind of hate my self for watching that now.
PELF- January 29, 2013 at 1:55 pm
why on earth are you covering wwe now?
NomadRip- January 29, 2013 at 1:54 pm
Geezus, pro wrassling is stupid.
Brickman- January 29, 2013 at 1:32 pm
Jizz uuurrgg
Brickman- January 29, 2013 at 1:33 pm