(‘Rampage, I’m not saying that you’ve turned into a little Spencer Pratt-acting, Hollywood punk bitch. But your actions and your statements lately have been very Spencer Pratt, Hollywood punk bitch-esque.’)

It’s been a while since old CP had to lay the ban hammer down on something.  Ever since people stopped comparing Kimbo Slice to Mike Tyson, it just hasn’t seemed quite as necessary.  But when we read both Rashad Evans and “Rampage” Jackson insisting, on separate days and in separate venues, that they would fight one another for free, we felt that we had no choice.  It stops here, gentlemen.  No more offering to fight for free.  

Here’s why:

You won’t actually do it.  We all know this.  None of us really believes that ‘Page might literally go over to Evans’ house and fight him in the front yard, though that would be an awesomely contrived ending to an action movie.  But this is real life, and in real life even Jackson knows enough to realize how stupid it would be to fight for zero money.  That’s his job.  He risks injury and great bodily harm because there’s money in it.  

It’s the same with Evans, though at least he had the sense to qualify his remarks by saying he’d “almost” do it for free.  That’s like when you say you’re so hungry you’d almost eat at Applebee’s.  You won’t really go through with it.  Not unless there are no other options and the vending machine is all out of Cheez-Its.

You’re trying to make a point.  We get that.  But particularly in Jackson’s case, when you won’t fight a guy on an agreed upon date in your hometown, for a bunch of guaranteed money, why would we believe that you’ll fight the same guy for nothing?  

It’s not going to happen, so stop talking about.  Instead, come up with a new phrase that accurately conveys how much you want this fight.  Like, for instance, ‘I want to whip his ass so bad I’d turn down a movie role to do it.’