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CagePotato Ban: Asking if Something Is ‘Fair’

(Hughes has been hunting since he was in camo diapers, but never has he seen anything with a rack that nice.)

By Jason Moles

Over the past few days, there’s been a lot of talk about what is fair and what is not. ESPN’s latest Outside the Lines episode, in which they attempted to sabotage the UFC  find out whether or not the UFC holds a monopoly in mixed martial arts, was mostly focused on how much money entry-level fighters are making compared to top fighters, and how unfair that is. Over and over again we were forced to hear terms like “revenue pie” and “fair share.” And just like that, the MMA fanosphere exploded as everyone with an Internet connection shared their inebriated take on fairness and injustice.

Let me stop you in your tracks right there. Who said life was fair, or even that it should be? Need I remind you just how unfair life is?

Why is it that Chael Sonnen gets busted with elevated testosterone and pleads guilty to money laundering and not only keeps his job, but is now in a number one contender bout at UFC on FOX while Nate Marquardt gets popped for the same thing and is excommunicated from Zuffa, relegated to the unemployment line? How in the world did Michael Vick spend more time behind bars for killing dogs than OJ Simpson and Casey Anthony did combined for killing people?! Does that seem fair to you? Don’t even get me started on the number of times Kenny Florian has fought for a title.

At UFC 142 we saw featherweight champion, Jose “Where’s Waldo?” Aldo, cheat his way to victory with a perfectly executed grab of the cage, leading to the advantageous position where he promptly knocked out Team Alpha Male standout Chad Mendes. Do you remember the phantom knee that got Josh Koscheck‘s panties in a bunch? Thankfully, the point deduction was taken back after a quick check of the instant replay. Man, that thing sure would have come in handy for Erick Silva in Rio on Saturday night. Another fighter’s record blemished forever by an incompetent ref…or lapse in judgement, I’ll let you make the call.

Rape joke from fighter X = acceptable. Rape joke from fighter Y = GTFO.

When a reporter asks if it’s fair that a guy on the undercard is only making “6 and 6,” we should keep in mind that only a handful of people are paying the UFC to watch him fight, and most of them have changed his diaper at one point or another. He’s lucky to have made it this far, and to be given the opportunity to make a lot more money in the future. Would it be fair if Zuffa didn’t pay top guys Anderson Silva money? I mean, they are the primary reason we buy the PPV to begin with, right? We’ve seen the numbers drop when the main event stars get injured and the co-main event gets bumped up a week before the fight. You shell out our hard-earned money when the big dogs come out to play.

Bill Gates is said to have given a commencement speech to a group of students titled ‘Rules for Life’, and I can’t help but think it’s only appropriate to share what he said with all of you. [Ed. note: It was actually written by Charles J. Sykes, but let's not get hung up on details.]

Rule 1: Life is not fair — get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping — they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.

Potato Nation, I beseech you to help enforce this newly added CagePotato Ban. Let all those who complain or inquire about the fairness of something be reprimanded for their blatant disregard for common sense. As we’ve just discussed, life isn’t fair. Plain and simple, cut and dry. Let’s all stop questioning something so obvious and spend our time doing something a little more productive, like, say, I don’t know… maybe finding an affordable way to do random drug testing in and out of competition.

Cagepotato Comments

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nickyroose- January 21, 2012 at 12:23 am
You what else you shit suck? My grandfather called building the fucking twin towers opportunity. He thought poor people were being fucked by rich people. He figured that out while fighting the goodamn nazis while they were dropping a boat a week. Even though he had perfect valor and ability he was considered a "red" for giving a shit about human beings. So fuck your pedantic bullshit about what my grandfather thought, you stupid asshole. He was the first UNION tin-knocker to have a black aprentice and then the first female apprentice. You and intercept and your gay republican hero can go suck each other off for what is fair. Jesus
nickyroose- January 21, 2012 at 12:13 am
I haven't been on the site since I won that free shirt for being hella old ime around here. This is the worst pile of shit I have ever read. You are using a chain email quote to a guy who admitted 90% of his life was luck (bill gates) look it up.

You stupid and anyone who thinks like you is stupid. There's a king and you are his slave life is not fair.

Also that guy is a piece of shit but you quote him wihtout even knowing.

fuck you.

so ends my love affair with CP. Bad enough to erase 3 years.
whiterice- January 19, 2012 at 2:01 pm
Didn't the Koscheck knee turn out to actually be legit - like it wasn't the knee that whiffed his hair that everyone was looking at, but there was a previous illegal knee a moment before that came out on a different angle?

Either way, this article has a point; but at the same time, shouldn't we strive to be fair as much as and when we can? If the world is unfair, do we just say, ok screw it, and leave it at that? The argument here is very oversimple. People who used to work in factories 18 hours a day, should they have just said, 'well life isn't fair anyway, so let's not bother with unions'?
XENOPHON- January 19, 2012 at 11:23 am
DangadaDang gets a GRIN.
Slipweight205- January 19, 2012 at 7:38 am
CagePotato: complaining about people complaining. You are banned from my web browser
DangadaDang- January 19, 2012 at 7:12 am
Who's the fucking Nihilists here!!
Shaky- January 19, 2012 at 5:41 am
@ 12ozcurls

You sir, are a g
Thank you for brightening up my day with lyrics from the greatest sing-a-long punk album ever made
RwilsonR- January 18, 2012 at 8:40 pm
The majority of that article was good when I first read it on my first AOL email account from mass-forwarded email in 1997. Still, the points are very good. For a more modern version watch this Adam Carolla rant.. Good stuff.
SethF- January 18, 2012 at 8:30 pm
“As for fairness, it’s a bitch with pale white skin, and pink nipples to match a pink twat. Fair?”
Never leave us, bro. Never. Ever. Leave us.
doomrider7- January 18, 2012 at 6:54 pm
Stopped reading at the Aldo comment.
XENOPHON- January 18, 2012 at 6:31 pm
@El Guapo Says:
Customer service is a tough gig. Hats off to you as I know trying to please everyone around here is fucked up too.
On the flip side old boy, maybe the new chick likes to give head?
Never know, things might start looking up sooner than your expected.
Ricardo Guitardo- January 18, 2012 at 4:35 pm
Ok the next time I kidnap and torture someone if they start crying i'll remind them of rule # 1 and tell 'em to shut up.
XENOPHON- January 18, 2012 at 3:47 pm
@Kicktothegroin Says:
Your boss is alright in my book, Cage Potato needs to send the both of you some of their free bullshit...
@Rsparrow - GRIN
LukeTheDuke- January 18, 2012 at 3:33 pm
You gotta be shitting me: Yea Aldo grabbed the cage....but it didnt lead to him getting that position. It led to him letting go, Mendes executing the same takedown as intended and Aldo getting up almost instantly. Cage Grab:50sec left. Failed takedown:48sec left. Knockout: 1sec left. Right before the knockout he briefly braces himself on the cage for less than one second(which is legal...the first one should have been a point deduction). Ultimately get your eyes checked, read a rule book, and get those sour grapes taken care of.
XENOPHON- January 18, 2012 at 3:29 pm
@The12ozCurls - and I thought you had busted out the beep-box on us dog! Until I too read the last lines.

A nation of god-fearing pregnant nationalists. Not quite. Not god-fearing, not knocked up, and but could be a nationalist.
This is just an excerpt of some interesting charts and graphs. Point is, this is why being an nationalist in terms of your native countries is not a bad thing all the time.
El Guapo- January 18, 2012 at 3:20 pm
Before The Binge, it's not fair I have to work with this chick* just because she's a friend of my boss' son. Nevermind the fact that she's replacing the coolest, sharpest, 10 years in-the-game secretary EVAH! Or the fact new chick has never worked in customer service, let alone a fast paced office. Thankfully Doomsday is here.
*I swear this is thee last Tommy Boy reference, what with end of days and all. Unless, of course... Naaaaaa.
El Guapo- January 18, 2012 at 3:11 pm
" I surely don't know all of them."
Ah ha! The Mayans didn't know shit! The end of the world is midnight tonight. Stupid Flanders. Anyhoo, I bid you adieu, Tater Nation. It's been real(except when Xero speaks). I'm off to the bank, tittie bar, nearest motel, and lastly, Church. See most of you in hell.
Get Off Me- January 18, 2012 at 2:45 pm
The Chapelle Show going away was not fair.
skeletor- January 18, 2012 at 2:43 pm
Is it fair that I have to click through a fucking political message to read about MMA? Higher ups do shitty stuff at my work all the time but when clients need something from me I can't bitch about to them before I help them with there problem.
Kicktothegroin- January 18, 2012 at 2:38 pm

My boss has this posted on the wall by my desk
intercept440- January 18, 2012 at 2:17 pm
^ i guess im going to have to go fuck me some fairness then....
anyone got her digits???
RSparrow- January 18, 2012 at 2:09 pm
"As for fairness, it's a bitch with pale white skin, and pink nipples to match a pink twat. Fair?"
And there you have it folks.
My god dude, I think I just shit myself. What in THE FUCK ...
remeadial- January 18, 2012 at 1:45 pm
A brilliant diatribe on entitlement and whining. Your point about leaving college and making $60k is a perfect one. Do you make a comparison to what other athletes make in $16 Billion sports or to other jobs? A fighter who makes it into the UFC at age 22 (college grad age) can make $60-100k in a year doing what they love to do. I myself graduated college, made $26K for an entry level job and worked my way up over time. Comparison's to the NFL and the NBA are worthless. Why aren't we having a monopoly discussion about these organizations? Because a basketball player can play in Europe? It makes no sense to me. The ESPN piece was a disgrace. Why even air something that only has Ken Shamrock and Ricco Rodriguez, two fighters that hate the UFC? What a dumb pile of shit.
R955- January 18, 2012 at 1:35 pm
I have mixed feelings on the PED issue, we want our sports figures to be superhuman, but with some taking PED's and some not, how would anyone know if its the athletes or the PED's? Obviously some fighters/athletes will have better genes, some will just be more talented, buth there is always the question mark....I thought Uriah Faber could not be stopped...until he was, several times. I think Cyborg is just a freak of nature, she may or may not have taken drugs to get her that way, no denying her being out of the equation is better for women's mma. Now for the conspiracy theory, what if these accusations come from a source that has an agenda? And that agenda is based on a personal vendetta?
MediumRare- January 18, 2012 at 1:23 pm
@Sloppyspray: Holy fuck you called it.
Excellent article right up until that last sentence.
It's not fair to the zebra for the lion to bit its neck and rip its guts out. Just like its not fair for one fighter to get mauled by another that takes 'roids.
Is it fair for him to get surgery to open up his airway? Or sleep in a hyperbaric chamber? Or train at high altitude? Or have better genes?
Or maybe we should actually just honor the CP ban and let 'em fight it out regardless. MMA rules should be governed by what is entertaining and what the public can stomach. Not what is fair.