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21 Humans Who Make Being Human Look Really, Really Hard

CagePotato.com Presents: The 2012 Potato Awards

The Inaugural “Okay, It’s FINALLY Safe to Call This Guy Wasted Potential” Award (a.k.a. “The Filho“): Melvin Guillard


(Photo via Tracy Lee, CombatLifestyle.com)

It’s been two days since Melvin Guillard lost to Jamie Varner on the preliminary card of UFC 155. And although there was a slight scoring controversy — don’t ask me how Varner took all three rounds of that fight — it’s safe to finally admit to ourselves that we’ve been living a lie. Melvin Guillard is a highly entertaining fighter, an inspiring story and he looks great in a pair of bikini briefs (I write this in the most heterosexual way possible, naturally). But he is not a legitimate contender to a title in any weight class, in any of the major MMA promotions.

It’s been easy to live this lie for as long as we’ve lived it. We’ve watched him absolutely demolish poor chumps making their UFC debuts and perennial midcard fighters alike with extreme prejudice for seven years now. Guillard’s stand-up has always been light-years ahead of virtually everyone he’s faced, and when combined with his good sprawl, the results have been devastating enough to create the illusion that Melvin Guillard is an elite fighter. Unfortunately, the utter hopelessness that has been his ground game has kept him miles away from the true elites, and after ages of thinking “maybe this fight he’ll develop some sort of submission defense,” his loss to Jim Miller at January’s UFC on FX proved that he’s either too far behind or too apathetic about jiu-jitsu at this point in his career to catch up with the guys at the top. Of course, the knockout loss to Donald Cerrone at UFC 150 didn’t exactly help his case, and his aforementioned loss to Jamie Varner should all but cement his midcard status in the UFC.

With some better submission defense, Guillard could have easily been a champion. He could have been one of the all-time greats. Or maybe he could have grown wings, discovered Atlantis and cured cancer if he only knew how to defend against a rear-naked choke, who knows for sure. But in 2013, I say we give The Young Assassin the Tatanka treatment — let him disembowel all of the hapless upper-preliminary/lower-main card lightweights he wants to, but keep him away from the title picture. - Seth Falvo

Honorable mentions: Welterweight BJ Penn, Middleweight Anthony Johnson, American Marius Zaromskis, Brandon Vera, and Aleksander Emelianenko (truly the Ozzie Canseco of MMA)

Greatest Hype Deflation: Junior Dos Santos and His Invincible Aura


(Photo via Tracy Lee, CombatLifestyle.com)

This award rightfully belongs to the former UFC heavyweight champion, for losing so badly to Cain Velasquez at UFC 155 that hopefully, by the grace of the Almighty, “experts” will stop declaring any heavyweight unbeatable until they’ve had a chance to surpass the divisional achievements of a professional wrestler with bad guts, a 220-pound senior citizen, and a guy who once shit his pants in the cage…literally. In the land of the big boyz, there is no such thing as a dominant champion. - Anthony Gannon

Honorable mentions: Dave Herman, Erick Silva

Greatest MMA GIFs of the Year


(Disclaimer: The UFC’s legal department has strongly encouraged us to stop uploading/embedding GIFs on CagePotato that feature UFC footage. So instead, we’ll use the bolded headlines below to link to these GIFs on other websites; let those guys take the heat for a change. And don’t worry, the above image of Tawny Kitaen will make sense very soon.)

There are no losers in this category because each and every single one of them has an element of straight-up unadulterated certifiably freakish awesomeness that happened live during one of the 2012 UFC broadcasts. I can’t even rank them because each one is so monumentally sweet-ass that I would be a floor-turd if I rated one above another. It would be like saying that I love my son more than I love my daughter, even though I’m pretty sure both of them know who Daddy loves more, but I would never come right out and say it. At least not until they are older, and I doubt my liver will hold out that long, which makes this point moot (I love you Sadie, LOL). So like today’s “participant trophy” era of youth sports, everybody in this group is a winner. Please forgive us for contributing to the pussification of Western society.

Drunk Mom at UFC 150

Check this cougar out and take a close look at those Tawny Kitaen-esque moves that she undoubtedly practiced in the mirror a million times before, just hoping/knowing that she would eventually be able to unleash them on the masses. This was her one chance to reach all of us, and she did not disappoint. “Shake Your Money Maker” does not begin to describe the sheer intoxicated vigor that produced thousands (dare I say millions?) of instantaneous rock-hard boners across the land. Sadly, I assume, she ended up as a groupie for Captain Dickswing and the SwingDicks (For the record, that last link is NSFW — in fact it’s Not Safe For Reality, and could quite possibly give you herpes and/or a meth habit just from viewing it one time — but the lyrics are something only John Lennon and GG Allin in the midst of Boitanoish relations could inspire).

The Best $50 Ever Spent . . . . Almost

It could have been the greatest DQ loss in the history of professional sports, but at the end of the day it was juuuuust a bit outside. Bummer.

Ryan Jimmo Goes “Breakin’ 2” after seven-second KO victory at UFC 149

Even if Ryan Jimmo was not a former CagePotato.com blogger, he would still make this list. In fact, this was my initial pick as the winner because mere seconds before his Electric Boogaloo began, Jimmo had just turned the face of Anothony Perosh into a wax figure of Good Ol’ JR after tasting a Guatemalan Insanity Pepper, forever frozen in time, and it was also his 16th victory in a row. War Jimmo!

The Girl In The White Dress

It was the bounce that launched a thousand calluses and chafed shafts among the Tater Nation. The thing that struck me about TGITWG (after I stopped looking at her dynamic, glorious bounty) was her two cohorts, and I am not talking about her bosom. Namely, the short-haired punker chick and the hipster/douche in the Hot Topic-bought hat trying to steal Boobzilla’s glory. Thankfully they did not. But after view number 200 or 2000, I noticed something else: Check out the dude right behind the star of this repeated loop who is sort of lurking in the shadows holding a cup of what I can only assume is human blood or infant tears or a mixture of both. Something tells me that his favorite song is THIS (thanks JJ) and he would make “a cap out of your right buttocks cheek” just before Chris Hansen asks him to have a seat.

For the record, though I have written things for CagePotato that have been more newsworthy, more topical and even more thought-provoking, this little GIF-roundup — buried on the last page of a feature that most of you will be too drunk to read today — may be my favorite contribution yet when you factor in all the goofy-ass links I included.  Don’t forget to follow @cagepotatomma and all your CP writers on Twitter, because our follower counts make us feel a little less shitty about our mundane existences, even though we all know the comment section Sleestak are going to call us twat-waffles. Happy New Year, beloved Taters, and thank you for letting all of us entertain and infuriate you all year long! - Nathan Smith

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Spaceman- January 2, 2013 at 5:42 pm
2013 prediction...Ryan Jimmo gets destroyed by any Top 10 fighter.
XENOPHON- January 1, 2013 at 1:50 pm
@ Clyde - Hah, I think Chael is practicing for he rubber guard just in case his ass crosses paths with Anderson Silva one last time.
XENOPHON- January 1, 2013 at 1:47 pm
@ SethF - Yeah, here too CP. Eskimo Kisses for all. GRIN

You could say I was in the north-forties - day and night keeping the zombies in check for quite a while. Reveille was at 03:00 (3 a.m.), not hitting the rack until taps at 23:00 (11 p.m.) every fucking day.

Sadly, the geography and terrain was not conducive to any fruitful strain of potatoes. The one's who were nearest me, have for now been caged by the house of ill repute they sprang from and ultimately caged by their own doing.
crappiefloper- January 1, 2013 at 11:26 am
Just woke up next to dancing mom and capt dickswing...I really need a shower
SethF- January 1, 2013 at 11:14 am
@XENOPHON & @FightZen

First, welcome back, XENO. Second, you're both welcome.
Clyde- January 1, 2013 at 10:33 am
http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2012/12/weirdest-photos-ever-16.jpg

Looks like Chael has his sights set on submission of the year. Not sure if it counts when it's on yourself...
XENOPHON- January 1, 2013 at 7:35 am
SethF... Tatanka, really? Don't feel bad FightZen, I found myself in the same trap just a few minutes ago. Fucking Seth! GRIN

The Best 2012 Year Award goes to Nathan Smith. Why you ask? Greenskeeper - Lotion. BIG GRIN

"It rubs the lotion on the skin, or it gets the hose again!" Well in fairness Jared Jones must get some of the credit for this find too.

Which one of you crazy fucks grew up listening to Barret Eugene Hansen (aka. Dr. Demento?)
FightZen- December 31, 2012 at 9:43 pm
I just spent my New Year's eve reading about Tatanka. Fuck you guys.
fatbellyfrank- December 31, 2012 at 8:02 pm
The drunken mom caused millions of boners instantaneously!!!
Pardon me gents, coming from a man who would tap Kim Winslow in a heartbeat drunken mom was nothin special
Deadpanda- December 31, 2012 at 3:55 pm
This list needs more Steve Mazzagatti stash.
Mr_Misanthropy- December 31, 2012 at 3:32 pm
"CagePotato’s crackpipe team of writers spent all morning cutting and pasting old articles in 27 different categories, which we've haphazardly vomited in no conceivable order."

There, I fixed it. No no, thank you.

PS- You forgot "New Female Up and Cummers 6".
PPS- Post more links to Edith's tits.
Mr_Misanthropy- December 31, 2012 at 3:34 pm
I thought it was entertaining but I just couldn't resist...
crappiefloper- December 31, 2012 at 3:23 pm
LOL! Done and DONE! Also included a," get back to me if you identify yourself or relative in video"'clause. I honestly give it about 15 more min before I hear from someone
boober- December 31, 2012 at 3:05 pm
Am I the only one who really enjoyed the Guida/Maynard fight?
crappiefloper- December 31, 2012 at 3:04 pm
Fuck me dude I clicked on the dickswing link. I feel like i need a televised beheading video for a palet cleanser.
The12ozCurls- December 31, 2012 at 3:11 pm
I warned you.
I even included a long-winded disclaimer just in case. But still, you and I both know that you are going to forward that link to most of your friends and all of your enemies.
crappiefloper- December 31, 2012 at 2:23 pm
CP has a lobby? By,"lobby" I can only assume you refer to whichever of yours grandmothers basement this thing is run out of.
peacexxl- December 31, 2012 at 12:29 pm
FUCK YOU CP!!! No matter how many times you say it it will never be true. There is no concensus among anyone who knows anything about MMA that FE won the 2nd fight. Yes it was close,much closer than the first one,but Henderson still won. You need to take Edgar's balls out of your mouth long enought to give Bendo his due.
El Guapo- December 31, 2012 at 11:45 am
Nog Dog shivers while he shits... FTW!!
Fried Taco- December 31, 2012 at 10:49 am
Tawny makes me brawny.
Mr_Misanthropy- December 31, 2012 at 3:36 pm
You mean you need Brawny paper towels?
Sho Nuff- December 31, 2012 at 10:09 am
"For the record, though I have written things for CagePotato that have been more newsworthy, more topical and even more thought-provoking"... Really? When is CP going to publish those? Bazinga!
The12ozCurls- December 31, 2012 at 10:34 am
They are linked asshole - LOL!
BTW, that was freaking hilarious.
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