#5 - Eric “Butterbean” Esch

It’s actually pretty fitting that Eric Esch is named after a food. I know Eric “Double Bacon Cheese Thickburger” Esch doesn’t quite have the same ring to it, but can you at least name yourself after a food you actually eat?

#4 - Tom “Kong” Watson

If being a 6’1” middleweight makes you comparable to King Kong, then I’m going to start calling myself “Six Cthulhus and a Charizard.”

#3 - Quinton “Rampage” Jackson

We’ll let the evidence speak for itself on this one.

#2 - Scott “Lionheart” Blevins

In 1990, Jean Claude Van Damme starred in arguably the greatest underground street fighting movie ever made, Lionheart. In it, he fought dudes three to four times his size in abandoned swimming pools, filthy underpasses, and parking garages surrounded by Cadillacs. Twenty years later, an accused child molester by the name of Scott Blevins compiled an 0-17 record, including at least four submissions to punches and a 37 second submission to elbows. Not one of his pathetic excuses for a fight lasted beyond the 2:10 mark of round 1, yet he somehow had the intestinal fortitude to imply that he not only had a heart, but one the size of an in-his-prime JCVD. Or a lion. In either case, he was dead wrong, and we would suggest he chooses a nickname more in the vein of Ian “Uncle Creepy” McCall. Then again, considering what he had to do to get out of jail, perhaps Scott “The Snitch” Blevins would be a little more telling.

#1 - Bob “The Beast” Sapp

Only in America can a man on a nine fight losing streak (and that’s just in MMA) still claim to be a “beast.” We’re talking about a man who has openly admitted to throwing his fights, who has submitted to a takedown, and who has given up so many times that his name has been equated to surrender itself. The ONLY thing that Sapp could ever claim to be a beast at would be the consumption of hot dogs and candied yams that are stocked in his dressing room before each fight to fulfill his contractual demands. Considering how many promoters he has swindled out of money over the years (and continues to), a nickname along the lines of “The Snake Oil Salesman” would be much more fitting for a worthless tub of crap like Sapp. Actually, Bob “Tub of Crap” Sapp has a nice ring to it now that we think about it.

But maybe we’re rushing to judgement on Sapp; he made it all the way to the second round of his last fight, and even attempted a submission of his own before inevitably getting TKO’d. That may not be all the impressive to the average MMA fan, but as Dr. Leo Marvin once wrote in his groundbreaking novel, Baby Steps, “Set small, reasonable goals for yourself, one day at a time. One tiny step at a time.” On this front, Sapp has succeeded for the time being.

So who did we forget, Potato Nation? Give us your thoughts in the comment section. 

-J. Jones

-Seth Falvo 

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