(Damn. As if the "Having to Fight GSP" curse wasn’t bad enough… / Image courtesy of fightmagazine.com)
By Jim "jimbonics" Isaacs
So there I was, minding my own business, creating a masterpiece through MSPaint in honor of ReX13’s first Bellator article for the ‘Tater. Later that afternoon, after a WILD week in the comments section across all articles, I was honored with a “Comment of the Week” award and subsequently a subscription to FIGHT! Magazine. Sweet! It was the first thing I had won since a pinball contest in Nineteen Dickety-Two.
After a month of salivating and daily mailbox-checking, I had received no magazine. I was convinced I would not actually receive a prize, as hundreds of comments at CP over the past year alluded to. Then it happened. My mailbox was stuffed with bills I would never open, offers I would never respond to, and an extremely thick and glossy FIGHT! Magazine.
There is King Mo, in all his
glory bling, staring at me. The first thought in my head was how he got his ass thoroughly beaten by Mousasi yet still won the belt based solely on takedowns. (Though he snared 11 of his 14 takedown attempts, if there was ever a fight to argue against the weight of takedowns in MMA scoring, it was that fight, but I digress). The second thought in my head was that he wouldn’t hold the belt very long, especially with the ultra-quick striker and BJJ black belt Feijão looming. I’m not saying, I’m just saying.
A month later the next magazine had wrestling specialist Kenny Florian on it. He went on to get Gray Maynarded. This got the wheels turning, and I decided to do a little investigating: Does the long-rumored FIGHT! Magazine Cover Curse actually exist?
Let’s start at the beginning, shall we?
FIGHT! Magazine inaugural issue, Aug/Sept-2007
Coverboy: Matt Serra, wearing the belt he raped from Grease St. Pierre
His Next Fight: GSP raped the belt right back from him
Score: Curse-1, Coverboy-0
At this point you’re thinking, “Hey, I thought this was about a jinx? WTF you smokin’?”
a) Bear with me
After only three issues, FIGHT! Magazine thinks they have what it takes to go monthly. This is likely because over half the magazine is advertisements and they can now afford it. Seriously, it’s Cosmo for dudes.
Feb 2008 Coverboy: Brock “I’ve got a dick dripping bloody semen on my chest” Lesnar
His Next Fight: Kneebar by Frank Mur
Score: Curse-2, Coverboy-2
Mar 2008 Coverboy: Dan “One of the worst nicknames in MMA” Henderson
His Next Fight: After filling us all with false hope in the first round, Anderson Silva choked him the fuck out in the second. Lunatic Fringe, my ass.
Score: Curse-3, Coverboy-2
Apr 2008 Coverboy: Georges “Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy” St. Pierre
His Next Fight: The aforementioned raping of Matt Serra’s ribs
Score: Curse-3, Coverboy-3
May 2008 Coverboy: Forrest Griffin
His Next Fight: Lost his belt to Stanky Leg
Score: Curse-4, Coverboy-3
Aug 2008 Coverboy: Roger “El Smack-a-Whore” (and I’ll Whup Your Ass) Huerta
His Next Fight: No stranger to magazine covers, Huerta suffered back-to-back losses to Florian and Maynard, and left the UFC (on his own recognizance)
Score: Curse-7, Coverboy-3
Sept 2008 Coverboy: The Iceman
His Next Fight: KTFO by Stanky “Suga” Leg. This was not only a jinx, but also a curse, as it introduced the world to the Shrieking Shrew. What has been heard cannot be unheard.
Score: Curse-8, Coverboy-3
Oct 2008 Coverboy: Josh “The Steroid Assassin” Barnett
His Next Fight: Beat up Gilbert Yvel. In theory, he hasn’t lost a fight since, but we all know what really happened to the guy, so the FIGHT! Magazine curse gets half of a point for this one.
Score: Curse-8.5, Coverboy-3.5
Nov 2008 Coverboy: Miggy Torres
His Next Fight: Defeated Manny Tapia by strikes in the 2nd
Score: Curse-8.5, Coverboy-4.5
Feb 2009 Coverboy: Anderson “I No Speaka de English” Silva
His Next Fight: Although not a loss, this fight may have very well marked the downfall of the Spider’s popularity. People wanted badly to forget the Patrick Côté disaster with a Spider-like performance against Thales Lietes. Instead, they got 25 minutes of bullshit and fagassery. FIGHT! gets another half point for this one. Deal with it.
Score: Curse-10, Coverboy-6
June 2009 Coverboy: Diego “YES! YES! Oh God, YES!!!” Sanchez
His Next Fight: A close decision over the Cavemanpenter
Score: Curse-10, Coverboy-10
Sidenote: He lost his next two, and is contemplating incorporating the Mexican equivalent of “Yes!”, whatever that is.
Oh shit, maybe there isn’t a jinx after all. It’s all tied up, and only because of biased bullshit by yours truly…
July 2009 Coverboy: Thiago “Ruh-Roh” Alves
His Next Fight: Got his brain thoroughly pummeled upon by GSP
Score: Curse-11, Coverboy-10
Sept 2009 Coverboy: Mike “Goldberg gave me my nickname” Swick
His Next Fight: A decision loss to Foghorn Leghorn
Score: Curse-12, Coverboy-11
Oct 2009 Coverboy: Fedor “I am a Motherfucker” Emelianenko
His Next Fight: Weathered an early storm to put Brett “My career is looking Grimm” Rogers on his ass
Score: Curse-12, Coverboy-12
Nov 2009 Coverboy: Bobble Head aka He Who Shall Not Be Named
His Next Fight: The Revenge of Forest Griffin
Score: Curse-13, Coverboy-12
Jan 2010 Coverboy: Gegard “Sweet Sassy” Mousasi
His Next Fight: Thoroughly beat the shit out of King Mo, but couldn’t stop a takedown, and therefore lost.
Score: Curse-15, Coverboy-12
Feb 2010 Coverboy: Jose Aldo
His Next Fight: Urijah Faber. Moving on. (Don’t worry, this one evens itself out)
Score: Curse-15, Coverboy-13
Mar 2010 Coverboy: Dan “Rhode Island Red” Hardy
His Next Fight: The latest victim of the GSP Pimp Train. All Aboard!
Score: Curse-16, Coverboy-13
Apr 2010 Coverboy: Urijah Faber, not trying as hard to hide his ass-chin
His Next Fight: 25 minutes of pain at the hands and feet of Jose Aldo (The ‘even-ing out’ I alluded to)
Score: Curse-17, Coverboy-13
May 2010 Coverboy: Chael “I am not Imprezz with your Performans Enhancing Drugs” Sonnen
His Next Fight: In a battle that should have been billed as “Shithead vs Shitheel”, Sonnen almost came away with a victory. Instead, he got choked the fuck out by the spider’s limbs which he didn’t get to take home with him.
Score: Curse-18, Coverboy-13
June 2010 Coverboy: Frankie “The Answer to a Question No One Asked” Edgar
His Next Fight: Holy Shit he beat BJ again? Fuck Yeah!
Score: Curse-18, Coverboy-14
July 2010 Coverboy: Muhammad “I REALLY like this energy drank” Lawal
His Next Fight: Feijão exposed him for what he is — all bling and no ring.
Score: Curse-19, Coverboy-14
Sept 2010 Coverboy: Josh “OG TUF Scrub” Koscheck
His Next Fight: It won’t go down until December, but there is a good chance we can put this one in the books for GSP.
Score: Curse-21?, Coverboy-14?
So there you have it folks. If you are a fighter that aspires to be on the cover of FIGHT! Magazine, there is a 66.6% chance you will lose your next fight. It’s proven by
science shit made up by me.
Coming up: Is there a 7-11 Slurpee Curse?