Tokyo Five Foot Tall

Host: "Mr. Sonnon.."

Chael: "Sonnen."

Host: "...Sonnen, the results of your test have just come in..."

Chael: "...."

Host: "The results were positive."

Chael: "..."

Host: "Your DNA matched. You are the father of this broad's baby."

Audience: *gasps* (an elderly woman faints in the front row)

Chael: "............"

Host: "Chael...there's more.......you have also tested positive for P.E.D's."

Audience: (silence)

Chael: "......"

Host: "There's more..."

Chael: "...what? my Mexican double is backstage??"

Host: ".... No. You also tested positive for testicular cancer! It has spread all over your head."

Audience: *gasps* (an elderly man faints in the front row)

Chael: "..."

Host: "Your MMA career is probably over...I'm so sorry"

Chael: "..." (eyes water + lower jaw shakes)

Host: "Chael, I have some good news"

Chael: ".....?"

Host: "I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to GEICO."

Audience: (applauds)

Well listen, let me tell you something. If you vote for me, I guarantee on my father's grave that no athlete will ever get the chance to use PEDs again and that the culprits will be brought to justice, and you can quote me on that. Im looking at you Carwin, and you, Overeem. No one is above the law, is that clear enough for you guys?

I'll have a Venti Iced Mocha, an almond biscotti, 300mg of Androstenedione and 8.4oz of Clearasil acne fighting body wash.

I'll have a Venti Iced Mocha, an almond biscotti, 300mg of Androstenedione and 8.40z of Clearasil acne fighting body wash.

"Mr. Sonnen, what do you have to say for yourself as a rolemodel to all the young Republicans out there in light of your recent PED positive test results?"

"I jus' espect Jesus bro, everyday, you know?"

"..."

It seemed as though only Chael Sonnen could see the YouTube streaming symbol hovering around his fellow republicans over at F&F. As he stared into it, he left reality and consciousness for a world of fear as the symbol mocked him for his humiliating loss against Anderson. Teasing and laughing at him and then openly stating it had spiked his urine with PEDs. This symbol was pure evil, the symbol that caused endless frustration to any who wanted to view a video only to have it freeze and be mocked by the infinitely looping gray balls. Sonnen who avoided using the internet for anything but twitter was finally froze by the thing that has frozen the world of so many others...........

Suddenly, Sonnen realized that this was not an interview for the next "Bangbus" video

no, i never did an interview with fox and friends

Guy in red tie: God fucking dammit Chael. The GOP sent your ass to the UFC to try to promote us not bring bad attention to us like Palin or O'Donnell .

Guy in yellow tie: Maybe we should have sent George Bush, the mma fighter, sir?

Lady: Yeah that's right?

Guy in red tie: Shut up, can't you GOP women get it, the only reason you are here is to look good not state your opinion. Damn women's suffrage. I tell you what Chael, If you can come choke this bitch I will forgive you.

Chael: I think you are confusing me for Don Frye.

Guy in red tie: Oh, that's right, god bless him and that mustache.

"oh wow i just woke up from a terrible nightmare! I was moments away from winning the title and then Anderson....... wait a second"

Chael "Well i'm sorry guys i thought the invite said business casual, i mean come on look at that bitch dressed like a big hipped barney"


******

Chale "Look i dont know what that girl in the purple dress is telling you but my testicles are normal size thank you very much"

Argh! Dammit you dirty gear whores! I was in class ALL DAY and now I finally get home to post and there is 397 freakin' posts?!!!?!?!?

Alright, I'll give it my best shot. Come on allergy medication, time to shine....

1. In a brief and awful moment of unexpected self-realization, and much to the shock of the newsroom, Chael Sonnen accidentally tastes one of his own opinions.

2. Having bested the news crew all night with his superior "off the cuff" verbal striking, Sonnen chokes in the dying seconds of the interview.

3. When asked to give a statement on his testing positive for PED's, Chael Sonnen opts to give the news team the ol' "Helen Keller" routine.

4. For the first time captured on film, and rarely seen in its natural habitat, the male homo sapien "Sonnenicus Deceiticus Maximus" spontaneously develops a conscience.

Terrified, Sonnen realizes that Zuzu's petals are no longer in his front pocket.

The exact moment when Chael Sonnen realizes that not only will M. Night Shayamalan never make another good movie, but that Bruce Willis was in fact dead the whole time.

"I didn't take steroids, its because Belfort has Jesus on his side. I mean did you read the bible? It was hard to read... I didn’t read the whole thing, but I tried. I read the beginning and I read the end. I was having plenty of conversations during it, I’m in the same boat as the rest of the world. Who cares? Nobody cares about Jesus"

Chael- "Okay, yes it's true. I did use performance enhancing drugs....but, I did so to beat a black guy."

Fox and Friends- "Fair enough! Next on Fox and Friends, why we feel Dana White hates his own race."

PANEL: Chael, can you tell us about your alleged use of performance enhancing drugs.

CHAEL: Performance enhancing "Drugs" ?!? Look, I don't do Drugs! Drugs are for street thugs and criminals. I'm not here to use "Drugs", If I want to enhance my performance then I'll do it in the gym with hard work and determination! (mumbles) maybe a few "supplements".

Fox News: We are here live with Chael Sonnen who was running for State Representative in Oregon's House District 37.
News anchor: Is he peeing in a cup,...why is he peeing in a cup. Chael: I just want to prove it to everybody.
News anchor: Ahh... Chael, we were just asking you about the Oregon Legislative Assembly.
Chael : Oh!

Listen, I don't know who this 'Chael Sonnen' guy is but he sounds like a punk. Tell him his Hispanic friend Chaelus Sonneiro is looking to stomp a mud-hole in his juiced up, American ass.

"Look, some people consider Lance Armstong one of the best athletes on the planet Earth. I was basically trying to prove a point. Since roids got the best of Lance and gave him cancer, I did it to prove I wouldn’t. Thus making me, THE best. Period. So I don’t offer any apology, I’m never gonna change. I’m gonna go after number one, whoever it is."
-chael

Look, guys, it's like I was telling my friend Alistair a few weeks back. We were sitting around enjoying a delicious bowl of stew that he was kind enough to prepare and discussing this very issue. Real men, especially Republicans, have high levels of testosterone. That's just how we're made. If it's estrogen you're after go get that pussy Lesnar's piss.

Thit I thoulda toot outh my moufpieth.

After insulting nearly every other group of people on the planet, Sonnen finally, on live TV, makes the black joke that buries his career for good.

chael: and so the best way to escape a triangle is to stick your neck aaaaall the way in. I demonstrated how to do this perfectly against forrest, babalu, maia and anderson...

Everything. OK! I'll talk! In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max's toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog... When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I got nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out... But the worst thing I ever done - I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa - and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.

Chael Sonnen returns to Fox News to discuss the hotbutton subject of the plans by a Portland, OR area Islamic organization to build a mosque near the site of his career detonation

Chael Sonnen fights is where wings take dream!

That's right, Bob. On national TV i'll admit it. I do have Twitter.

Anderson says he can't be Paulo Filho. Filho says Anderson can't beat him. What's that guy got that I don... Hey-o!

"Look, here's what I did, I screwed myself up, and I hope people learn from my mistakes... Naw, just kindding."

Look, anyone who tells you they are not on anything is a lier.I'm just the only one with the guts to say it.

...and if you believe that, I've got a house to sell you.

Who wants to see my taint...?

Honestly, it's like 24 isn't even trying anymore. They better not give Chael a silent count...

Hansen: "Why don't you have a seat, right over there?"

umad

Dancing with the stars here i come!

"Whoa, whoa, whoa wait just one minute. Listen here you two bozos and lady trying to cover up those ginormous breasts with a turtle neck. I said I was going to go in there and completely dominate Anderson Silva and put him in positions he's never been before. I did that for 24 minutes before getting caught in the triangle. I NEVER said that I was NOT going to take some PEDs to help me with that. In fact, I told them that I might test positive for PEDs. So technically I'm right so suck it."

and the last thing I remember before tapping was the smell of his balls.

Epic Fail (on both sides)

Don't be jealous of me because I have the mind if a scientist, speed like polished steel and a cock like a Burmese Python...wait! I never said that. Did I?

456th bitches!!

Tv Show Host: So, apparently there are some allegations that you are a blatant racist, that abuses drugs and express all your political incorrectness on your twitter account. How do you respond?

Chael Sonnen: *mexican accent* si, senor...I like the drugs and hate mr. armstrong and his one testicle. Please follow me on my twitter account, you monkeys.

*Meanwhile in Chael Sonnen's house, The Real Sonnen watches on*

The Real Chael Sonnen: *jaw dropped* Sonovabitch!

"Since when is mixing steroids & politicians frowned upon in California?"

"Is that why you all have your internet machines out... where do you get your information from CagePotato.com... this is bullshit!!!"

only positive is maybe congress will call me in and i can start my political dreams again guys

...and that's how I plan to submit terrorism.

Sonnen's high testosterone levels quickly overwhelmed the remote satellite feed. As Gretchen Carlson entertained blissful visions of ground-and-pound, her conspicuous pre-op manhood snapped to attention, a spectacle which in turn caused the ever-confused Brian Kilmeade to sprout his own morning pride. Meanwhile Steve Doocy, unable to become aroused since January 20th, 2009, bitterly feigned attempts to conceal the boner he wished he had.

“Suddenly Fox and Friends realizes the look on Sonnen’s face reveals he may be getting a little too “friendly” and Sonnen reveals he is not thinking of anyone in purple, he is also a huge Jamie Varner fan.”

Sonnen " an epishot... you know for allergies. Like I could die?"
CSAC realizing all the paper is dr notes not the overeem bonus "epi whaaa??" Crumbling sounds.

Don't tell your friends or I'll say you're a slut
Plus it's your fault, you were rubbin' my butt

Listen guys for the last time....I was told by my trainers that it was a pez dispenser not a peds dispenser. What would you do if someone handed you a Ninja Turtle headed dispenser full of what they called the best kept secret in the game. Exactly! Im done here!

guys lets not spread eachother's legs on world-wide tv.......we're all republicans we dont do that homo crap!

Hey enough of this PED talk.....Im more interested in tell yall about this spacious 3 bedroom two bath house with amazing views just outside of city limits!

"Did I read the book George W Bush 101 ways for Rebulicans to win, I would have to say yes".

"So not one of you know who the fuck i am?"

Chael was trying his best to show them what it was like being trapped in Anderson's triangle.

"So it's just not his popularity that's been shrinking. Chael Sonnen Ladies and Gentlemen"

That's a look at all three of Sonnen's split personalities: "Serious Face", "Unfounded Conspiracy Theories", and the one on the end is "I've Just Seen A Spider!"

When asked about his positive drug test results Chael decided the best thing to do was play dead.

Chael took his legal adviser's advice to play dumb to any PED related questions a bit too literally.

`So Chael, do you really wanna be a f*cking fighter?`

Chael Sonnen has just been informed that he had been misled and that taking PEDs do not in fact prevent triangles.

......after his failed appeal, things continued downhill for Chael Sonnen. An attempt to restart his political ambitions was quickly crushed when Chael was turned over to a panel of three important and critical constituents. When confronted by three of anything, as had become commonplace now, nightmares of triangles welled up fear in the former NCAA champion's eyes and he lost all comprehension of what was going on......

"Listen guys, before we start this interview, I have to be honest with you--I may have been stealing my nephew's adderall to get up for my promos."

Chael: The crowd loves it when two men Bang. I'll tell you one thing, though, he's going to be on bottom for 25 minutes unless the referee tells us to advance position.

Come out of the closet Kilmeade, I saw you do jew-jitsoo with BJ when he was on the show. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go get a hot serum injected into my ass so that I don't need to take as long of breaks between sessions of grinding on dudes.

Buenos Noches homos.

Chael- "I actually didn't know that I injected PED's. I woke up and Josh Rosenthal was explaining to me that I was now going to piss postive... So yeah, I took them but I didn't know that I took them.

News team- ....that sounds made up Mr. Sonnen

Chael- It is. But I have never heard of this Sonnen character everyone keeps talking about.

Chael, in the words of Kenny Powers.... "your fuckin' out!"

I tested posivtive after one test doesn't mean I did it but you suck one d**k and people call you gay.

"Come again?"

"Yup. And then I pissed hot. What did they expect?"

What the F*ck do you mean we are live?? I haven't even had a chance to put on my make-up and bow tie!! I'm sorry, I "ve been having a problem with uncontrolled bouts of anger from my cough medicine. But seriously...WTF??

Kenny Florian discusses with Fox News trials and tribulations of overcoming an eating disorder.

"Now that I have your attention, let me inform you on something that you wouldn't know unless you were in the locker room with me listening to some Jimmie Logsdon. Silvas' teamate lyoco Mexi-chida was hawking his purple south american beaner berry to everyone around telling them of its thaumaturgic might of upsetting ineluctable triangles and had the cojones to try to convert me to his communist fruit. I'm an american, not some fence vaulting, no habla English, orange dealer. Im a real American great state of Oregon maverick that is smarter than Sophocles, and faster than Ben Johnson. If I can't beat "el ateles negra" with my god given superior white genetics, than I need to hang up my cauliflower ear and call it a day. Since I am the greatest wrestle to ever Shiranui, I don't have to listen to some pecker checker immigrant commissioner, and I certainly don't have to milk any free publicity for my only viable future career choice as a natural silver tonged politician from your crappy regis knock off. If you want any more info, check out my doppleganger's twitter acount at twiter.com/#1TerryConklin_fan."

Huh uhhhh!!!!

"Look guys, like one of my idols once said, 'I'm not here to talk about the past.' And, if you guys keep pressing this steroid and Lance Armstrong nonsense...well, like another of my idols once said, 'Go fuck yourself.'"

Didn't you guys read CP's article about how good I did on ESPN????? I can do TV, I just need a chance!!!

Reporter: " ...and thank you Chael for joining us...Stacy, bacne to you."

*mental picture* this is what it looks like when the loud mouth of the century is lost for words.

Fox and Friends: "Chael, we have heard reports from Ed Soares's Twitter account that you 'have taken more shots in the ass than a pornstar with a mortgage.' Do you have any response?"
Sonnen: "umm..."

@RWilsonR

Fixed it. I even added a fourth, which is ironically, stronger than the second IMO. ;P

Hopefully nobody beat me to the punch of any of these, there is NO WAY I am going to go through and read them to find out, lol. 400+ posts is craziness I tell you, craziness.

I'll just go ahead and assume yours were good though.

Also, do you have twitter? @steampunk22

:)

" How else was I going to beat him..."

I beleive Lyoto Machida's father was in charge of the urine samples, I have no further comment to make

good lord. there is 9 pages of comments. CP's gunna have to start forkin out a few more tshirts

"look what I can do!"

I will be training with Shane Carwin during my 1 year suspension.

we have been watching your fights very closely and honestly........Mr florian you kick ass!!!!

Okay, you got me... Matt Lindland is sucking my cock right now.

"And now on to other news UFC fighter Chael Sonnen was named as the new face or should we say back of Proactiv Acne Products."

According to Chael, "Proactiv was really able to help take the acne away so people could start to see me as a person and not my bacne. My only regret is I wish I had started using it sooner."

In conclusion, this is why drug testing should be run more like the Republican Party... with less oversight. I mean, if you want "Big Government" style testing in your face like Brock Lesnars' chest dong...then frankly, you're a wimp.

or

They all watched as Team Quest's legitimacy as a respected fight club burned to the ground.

"It wasn't Chael Sonnen that did the testing. It's not even Chael Sonnen doing this interview. Can't you hear my hispanic accent?"

Chael attempts to prove his innocence by submitting a clean sample on air while the news team watches.

Sonnen: OK OK it was birth control i took, i didnt want to have anyone else's baby but Jeremy Horn's.

@ steampunk - what happened to 2? I was looking forward to it after your first 1, and thought it was probably going to be the best of the 3.

Chael, son, I don't know which one of these two men is your dad. He talks shit, and the other is addicted to cough medicine.

"Uhh, Mr Sonnen... did you just refer to that UFC ring card holder as, 'that colored girl I'd like to f**k?'"

Gretchen Carlson: Cold medicine abuse a problem in sports? With us now is our expert, Chael Sonnen. Thanks for coming on Chael.

----------------------
Chael Sonnen weighs in on the illegal immigration epidemic in America...

With only 2 minutes left in the interview, Sonnen begins to choke...

The news anchors watched in disbelief as Chael Sonnen simultaneously injected steroids into his penis and told a "your mama" joke.

Chael - "...And that is why Val Kilmer was a better Batman than Christian Bale..."

Guy on right - "Thanks Chael but the question i asked you was about your steroid use..."

Hey it was the only way I could get a Stridex Pad sponsorship

"Next on Fox and Friends, the Tea Party candidate for Senate from Oregon, Chael Sonnen.

"On September 19th, Chael Sonnen's 15 minutes of fame will come to an abrupt halt."

Yeah, look, I'm a Republican, I won't have sex with Sheryl Crow

Chael Sonnen being interviewed by Lewis, Mimi, & Oswald from "The Drew Carey Show". I love this episode.

…I have one final thing I want you to consider. Ladies and gentlemen, Bob Sapp is a giant from America. But Bob Sapp fights in Japan. Now think about it; that does not make sense! Why would a giant, a 350 pound giant, want to fight in Japan, with a bunch of five-foot tall spectators? That does not make sense! But more important, you have to ask yourself: What does this have to do with this case? Nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case! It does not make sense! Look at me. I'm a politician defending my fighting career, and I'm talkin' about Bob Sapp! Does that make sense? Ladies and gentlemen, I am not making any sense! None of this makes sense! And so you have to remember, when you're in that news room investigatin' and conjugatin' the Emancipation Proclamation, does it make sense? No! Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed broadcast, it does not make sense! If Bob Sapp fights in Japan, you must acquit!

It was at this moment that the fox news crew seen the full screen shot of Chael and he was naked from the waist down.

"... and as a result, im loosing a nut"

No honestly the needles don't even hurt. See, now I've just injected myself in my groin for shits and giggles.

[Brian Kilmeade - just realized he could have had Goldberg's job and would have been so much happier if he hadn't left the UFC]

Win

Steve Doocy: Chael, your MMA career just went from an all time high to an all time low, how do you feel?

Chael Sonnnen: Y'all need to hide yo kids, hide yo wife, an' hideyahusban cause they rapin' everyone out here!

Hey guys, we don't need to center the entire conversation around my positive PED test after UFC 117. How about we talk about my successful real esta...or we could discuss my triumphant run for Oregon Congre....ok back to the PED issue.

No, it wasn't the drugs. My balls have always been tiny.

"Why, yes, I did say that Lance Armstrong gave himself cancer by using PEDS, but that was just my elevated levels of testosterone talking."

You, alright! I learned it from watching you!

Cheal Sonnen explains
A. the theory of relativity to people who have never read Einstein
B. his hypothesis on perpetual motion to a committee that are googling Perpetual as we speak.
C. MMA to people who do not have Cable since their show is not on cable, nor have they watched a sporting event that a producer has not specifically required them to watch, like ever.
D. Proclaiming his innocence to a panel upset they could not get OJ for the same proclamation.
E. All of the Above.

Oh damm, I just burnt a hole in my underwear when I did a little peepee

You see the real reason that i went about everything the way that i did, is that i already made sure that i owned the intellectual property if anyone should try to make a movie out of the whole Silva vs Sonnen saga. Think about it. Have a not been the ultimate antagonist since i started this whole thing? The slander, the cheap shots i took,-the almost defeating him, and giving him the ultimate come from behind victory only to have it later come out that i had cheated all along?

That's going to make a hell of a movie, and when it does, they producers will be paying me royalties like I'm a porn star with mortgag. Only i wont even have to lift a finger. You couldn't make this stuff up, this story beats the hell out of "Rocky" "Cinderella Man" "Sonnengate" is the perfect vehicle for a "based on a true story" sports blockbuster.

I am responsible for the greatest epic in combat sport history.

Your welcome

"In all honesty, I think in the fight before I fought Anderson, Nate Marquardt said he came out hot and slippery, and a lot of his steroid ridden sweat got into my system. I just don't undertand cheaters like that."

Please, please, for the love of god, put your pants back on Anderson. There are children watching.

Going into standard T-Rex avoidance mode, Chael is hoping against hope that the reporters vision is movement based.

"Turns out it was just chickenpox! I never had it as a child."

"I don't know what the big deal is? I piss hot all the time, because I'm practically oozing testosterone. Hell, I'm pissing right now. I'm pissing lots of testosterone as we speak. Yeah... that's right... pan that camera down there and watch some of that manliness trickle out right now. Am I supposed to apologize for that?"

Listen B12 Shots don't cut it for me!! If I want to knock Anderson on His prissy little Ass I need the Real Juice, or my Ass Doesn't Stand a Chance, and I approve of this Message.

We are now joined with the ultimate fighting championships middleweight contender chael sonnen, after a recent performance enhancing drug test proved positive against him. Chael, can you give us your thoughts on when you were rape choked by brazillan spider?

"Theres is no way that is my urine! No way! I dont know, but I think it kind of smelled like mexican urine!"

"Excuse me, I'm in the middle of my urinalysis"

Fox and Friends finally convinced a hispanic Republican to come on the show. Then he disappeared for a year.

"Future plans? Well, for a start I'm going to stare you fucking muppets in the face and lie my ass off on world wide tv. Some guys don't subscribe to that theory but I'm a Republican....and we tend to do that"

"Hey guys! That blonde in the middle gives the term, "pissing hot" a whole new meaning!"

Even the folks at Fox News were put off by Chael's abhorrent personality.

In a last ditch effort to redeem himself Chael sings "Por ti Volare" with Matt Lindland playing the drums and muttering "boats and hoes". As the last note fades the now humbled television anchors are brought to tears.

(Por ti Volare being the song Brennan sings at the end of step brothers)

Fox and Friends: So what you are telling us is that Republican politicians are so manly, tough, and not gay that their bodies naturally create 10 times more testosterone than the average man and 20 times more than those liberal softies the Democrats?
Chael: Exactly and I'm the toughest, manliest, not gayest Republican there is. I mean I won't even do Jui-Jitsu even though all of my most embarrassing loses have been by submission because I'd have to lay between another guys legs.
F and F: That makes perfect sense! I bet thats the real reason why you failed that drug test.
Chael: Yea pretty much that liberal idiot George Dodd forgot to consider the fact that I am a full 110% republican when he was viewing the results of my test.
F and F: Well thank you so much for clearing that up for us Chael, that wrap up another day of fair and balanced news thanks for watching Fox and Friends

Coming up after the break, Chael will demonstrate a triangle choke on himself attempting to perform fellatio on himself before he taps out. He's never successfully reached his dick for unknown reasons but today might be the day so stick around!

Like Brock said, I have never tested positive during any of my drug tests...excluding the last one

No, I never said anything about a hammer. What I said was, “this is going to be a one sided beatdown and I'm the one stabbing the needle.”

Two guys a girl and a pizza back.

...Welcome back to Fox. Well our next guest has done it all, Real Estate Agent, Politician, but he's most well-known for being a top-ranked middleweight in a blood sport sometimes called "Human Cock-Fighting". He's Charles So-nan, and he's here to talk to us about public perceptions of his beloved sport of Ultimate Fighting, or, UFC. So, Charles, where do you think the public get these negative views on no-rules cage fighting?

The panel reacts with shock after Chael said he "would totally bone the chick in the purple." Despite being on television Chael immediately denied saying it, claiming instead it was someone with a hispanic accent.

What? Lance Armstrong said it was cool!

First, let's get the facts straight. I wasn't trying to cheat my way to a victory. I was trying to give myself cancer.

Uh uh uhhh uh uh ehhh ehh I sincerely consider that, .... eh THIS time I must restrain myself from any racist comments against any ethnic group (and that I should've either tap out earlier to that triangle or quit Theraflu) Too little, too late!

Don't trust whitey

Apologize, what? My urine is super charged naturally, unlike other fighter's urine, my urine would be undrinkable, in fact two drops of my urine once traveled back in time and destroyed two cities in Japan. Did I just say Japan? No I never said Japan, I do not even believe in time travel or eating rice. When the truth comes out FOX news, Dana White and Ed Soares will come to realize that I have never even urinated and if I did urinate, I would not recall said urination, also I'm such a badass if did urinate which I'm only speaking hypothetically, my urine would be pure testosterone.

Man in red tie: "Can you please stop staring at Angela, and just answer why the CSAC allowed you to fight even though you admitted to using steroids?"
Chael Sonnen (using a robot voice): "Please sit on my face".
Angela crosses her legs tighter.

Brock Lesnar appears in the studio audience and asks...

"You will slap who?"

This picture was taken as Sonnen attempted to reply.

"testing positive for steroids in the ufc is like getting a free toy with your happy meal"

"Oh yeah? Rules? Well rules were made to be broken. AND YOUR NECK COULD BE BROKEN!"

I swear! I'm a real "stand-up" guy! Excuse me while I go lay and pray about this America.

"In my final meeting with the gods from the heavens above, as they spoke to me and hit me with the power, they told me 'Exit stage left! Exit stage right! There is no place to run; all the fuses in the exit signs have been burned out!"

After talking shit about how no one wanted to sponsor Anderson, Sonnen humbled himself by going on Fox News to promote "Oops I Crapped My Pants".

Chael Sonnen : "How is it that I'm still eligible, even favored to be the governor of this flaccid state yet I can't compete as a professional athlete?"

I'm in the same boat as the rest of the world. Who cares? Nobody cares about Brown-haired guy who isn't Steve Doocy.

He talked about reitiring and nobody cared. He talked about going up against Bill O'Reilly and nobody cared. Now he talks about going up against Keith Olbermann and nobody cares!

I did an autograph signing with him. You could have heard a rat piss on cotton in his room! Nobody cares about Brown-haired guy who isn't Steve Doocy.

Chael, you just tested positive. What do you have to say? Chael: I had nothing to do w those hookers in Vegas, I swear. Reporters: That's not the test we were talking about... Chael: Oh......

That wasn't my urine sample, it was a fake... i've never fought anderson silva before, i've never even met the guy

Chael: 'You guys are focusing so much on these steroid allegations when there are guys like Lance Armstrong out there giving themselves cancer, jeeeeeez'

(Pictured above) PED - Politician Entering Denial

I'm not sure if it's my connection, but the guy that just pissed hot sure doesn't look like me

Chael Sonnen : "It's my understanding that sodomy is a safe and legal form of testosterone injections".

Chael: When you live hard and you play hard and burn the candle at both ends... in this life, you can lose everything you love, everything that loves you. Alot of people tell me now I'm not gonna fight Anderson Silva again, they say "he's a roider", "he's riding the needle like his decisions" , "he's got no balls (anymore)", "he's spiked worse than his coffee", "this is his last roideo", "I think he doesn't even speak portugese". You know what? The only ones gonna tell me when I'm through doing my thing, is you people here. You people here... you people here. You're my family.

Actually Tom, its quite ironic.... the sores on my back are a type of skin cancer resulting exclusively from my excessive steroid usage.

"Yes, I was quoted correctly when I said 'Queering don't make the world work.' That's my campaign slogan for 2012. What do you guys think?"

"Chael, as reporters we don't know what to do with our hands so we cup them together when we are nervous.....with that said, we don't need another juicing politician."

News team: "Your test results are in. What do you have to say for yourself??"

Sonnen: "I think I just shat myself."

Three people in this picture know what a Republican's cock tastes like.

Discuss......

"Yeah I fucked Chandella. So what?"

Sorry if that one has been used, but I don't have time to read through 300 posts.

It came back positive because of witchcraft.... what? witchcraft is acceptable now? then it must have been the jews..

"Apologize, what? I want you guys DESTROYED. Torn to pieces, laid on an altar in front of a statue of me w/golden fangs, and set on fire."

It was obvious and plain to see, that the CSAC was a bunch of democrats

Man on Right: "Chael, are you still with us, you ok???"

Chael: (in pain) Yeeeeah, sorrrrry... Sherk missed my ass cheek and sent it straight through my right testie...

but seriously,.. who is this CSAC wanna-be? Someone needs to stand up to this bully, and that person is ME.

somehow, someway... everything was obama's fault

Chael was able to dominantly control the entire interview, until the last minute when the panel threw a Hail Mary question that made Chael choke... Hi-YO!!!

The combination of an inflated ego and 'roids makes it difficult for Chael's head to fit in the standard "third of the screen" window that guests get.

Listen, Fox and Friends is a great show, but The Today Show is the BEST.

Hosts: " and now we have Chael Sonnen with us. Chael.....uh are you crying?"

Chael: " I'm sorry I just can't keep up the lies anymore. I'm the fraud not Anderson. I started taking the PED's so I could win fights. All I ever wanted was to get to Anderson. I watched him dance with all those other guys and I knew I had to have him on me."
Hosts" Chael are you saying you are attracted to Anderson?"
Chael:" Yes, yes I am. I just can't hide it anymore. All I wanted was to get sweaty with him in the octagon and lay together in front of millions to prove my love for him."

Host:" so your saying all the trash talking and being in the media was so you could prove your man love for him in the ring?"
Chael:" I didn't see any other way to get to him. That damn Ed Soares. I kept telling him to translate it to Anderson but he kept getting it wrong and would make Anderson mad at me. I knew if I got him in the cage I could show him up close and personal. I tried to kiss him several times but he didn't understand. I even north/southed him to let him know my intentions but it didn't work. Finally at the end of the last round I just gave in to him."
Host:" .…uh…"
Chael:" I'm sorry I can't take the emotional stress anymore. I have to go. Thank you for letting me tell Anderson and the world I love him and that I was another in the closet politician".

I am the best. I will satisfy all three of you at once.

The California State Athletic Commission sitting Chael down and expressing how disappointed they are in him.

Chael Sonnen claimed that the man pictured on the left is a bad Chael Sonnen impersonator, since he is clearly too small, and missing the rest of his body. Chael said, "I am over 6 feet, that guy isn't even 6 inches tall."

In response to both Chael Sonnens Anderson Silva rants and political views.

Mr. Sonnen, what you have just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Yeah, I know I said that getting a black belt under the Nogueira brothers is like saying I got a free toy in my happy meal. But what I meant was, everything except triangles.

And our next guest....Chael Sonnen who is of course white and republican

wtf is up dude? i added two captions and they are both gone. couldn't have been any less funny than some of this crap im seeing

Cheal was doing everything right in this interview until the last question, when he shockingly got caught in the dreaded "Gotcha Question Triangle".

Brian Kilmeade: ............ So Cheal is there any truth to the rumors that you have been closing the door of a microwave oven on your scrotum to aid in contracting Testicular Cancer?......and what about reports that you are doing this in a last ditch effort to win back some fans for your new cancer awareness campaign reported to be entitled "The Scrotal Rewards Charity?"....care to comment about those allegations?

Cheal Sonnen:......Well the answer to those Questions is,....Uhm,....Yes and Yes!....We are looking for a hook along the same vein as Lance Armstrong's charity, but instead of using a yellow wristband to raise awareness and funds we are looking at using something more identifiable with myself,....we are tossing around the idea of using a Purple Helmet!

The CSAC lied, Chael was not informed he tested positive for PEDs before it went public.......this is where he found out.

Mr. Sonnen, was that a fart?

"..and if things go well, I'll be showing that blonde from 'Fox and Friends" my O-face..you know what I'm talking about...O ooooo Ooo...we're live?"

Deeerrp......

Have any of you 3 ever been in a fist fight??? EXACTLY!!! THAT'S how you know these are just malicious rumors.

"Did you say your face was in a black man's crotch when you lost?"

“I would like to say I am not a crook, I mean roider. I tried roids once but I did not inject. Hey, it worked for the others.”

"No, no, no. When I said I was going to piss hot, I just meant the actual tempature of my piss was going to be hot."

No, you're wrong! My name is NOT Chael Sonnen, and I'm not on your show right now. How much more clear can I make that?

Sonnen: The CSAC has it all wrong. I'll tell you what SHOULD be illegal... the weapon of mass destruction I just dropped in my underwear....... Too soon?

F&F: ........

My evil twin is on Telemundo!

-Are you surprised at my tears, sir?
-Dude, fuckin' A...
-Strong men also cry... strong men also cry.

Chael Sonnen's announcement he has cancer came much sooner and was a much more somber event than any of us could have anticipated.

Chael: Did one of you guys just touch my a$$??!
News Crew: ...

I'm a monkey and I just shat on the keyboard.

There, THAT'S how to win one of these stupid contests. Now quote that in the top five!

These "contests" are nothing but lame commercials for shit that no-one would actually BUY.

Now a CP lackey will randomly pull up 5 pathetic entries and be done with it.

Brian Kilmeade: "Now now Chael, did you say you like pro wrestling or that you were a pro wrestler"?....

That is the face Chael gave when he looked at Gretchen and busted a nut.

Excuse me while I go pinch one off!

Sonnen: "Yes I took illegal performance enhancers but it was not for my fight against Anderson Silva. I found out the weekend before the fight that the Mexicans were planning an invasion of Oregon and I am bulking up to stave off the invasion, which happens in three weeks."

Ooohhhh that commission guy asked about PED's. I thought he said Pez. Of course I took Pez you get to use those cool holders that you can act like your ripped the head almost off. Hell yeah I took PEZ.

...and that's how I plan to submit terrorism.

Jon Lane Steve Doocy: The story opened with an oath you made to your dying father to become a world champion. You had the chance, you were in the main event of UFC 117, the organization’s debut in Oakland, and all you had to do was defeat someone considered one of the top if not the best pound-for-pound fighter in the world. By some stroke of divine intervention, you made yourself look like an asshole by calling out Lance Armstrong and his history of PED’s, only to test positive one month later. What do you have to say for yourself?

Chael : You ask pretty long questions pal, I lost you about half way through.

Sonnen: And before I knew that my UFC career would be tarnished, the last words I heard were, "turn your head and cough."

"Uhh could you please define 'enhancing?'"

Listen here, brown-haired guy who isn't Steve Doocy...I'm not laying underneath a grown man with my legs spread on world wide TV. Some guys subscribe to that theory but I'm a Republican and we don't do that.

Chael: "I know Christine O Donnell couldn't make it in tonight, but one right-wing republican liar is just as good as another, right?"

So what you can't say f*ck on national television... Hello... Is this thing on...? You guys look like statues... Wake up already... I said my name is Chael Sonnen.

"..my advice for the nerds on how to get girls?
Do steroids, lift heavy weights, get contacts, run for office. If you got money, floss. Whatever you do, don't be yourself."

Reporters: "Chael, if Tito Ortiz is your hero, why would you take PED's?"

Chael: "Well I got the whole loud mouthed jackass thing down...I just wanted his forehead."

What you guys need to understand is.....I never pissed in that cup. I always give my campaign manager the cup and he pisses in it....so i guess hes on steroids....MY BAD

Chael is asked about Christine O'Donnell's history of witchcraft since he has experience fighting pagan, idol-worshipers.

I didn't exhale?

Chael: "I only took PED's to get first hand knowledge of them, for when I'm grilling other athletes in Congress."

Fox News: "Sorry, not even we can buy that...."

Fox News is amazed at how good Chael's Kenny Florian impression is.

"No need to touch your crotches ladies and gentlemen... mine are the ones that shrank..."

Steroids give people nut cancer. Fox News gives people eye cancer.

Chael's trainers had him on so many PEDs, they couldn't even wait until after the interview to stick him in the ass with the syringe....

'Roider? I just met her!

Hold on, I'll show you the pose I do for my real estate signs.

"Being a druggie was a hard road.! But not as hard as the next speed bump (cancer). It was hard giving it to myself I am sure I'll get rid of it. I started a ChaelCancerCure fund for those interested in supporting thank those who have."

Im 99% sure that I didnt take anything banned. If I tested positive for PEDs I blame it on the genetically engineered McDonalds Big Mac I ate prior to my fight. Vote Chael for Mayor!...

All the triangles have left Chael with a phobia about things around his neck e.g. A tie.

"So about this positive PED test. Uhhhh, Chael....did you just shit yourself?"

"Chael Sonnen took steroids, to give himself cancer, so that he can play the victim, and you know, be the fan favorite on his road back"

"Mr. Sonnen?"

"Thats not my name"

"Apologize, what? I want you guys DESTROYED. Torn to pieces, laid on an altar in front of a statue of me w/golden fangs, and set on fire."

Reporters: "So Chael, you say you've been training with Jose Canseco for your fight with Silva. What could he possibly add to your gameplan?"

Chael: "Well...um....yeah...you see....."

I`m telling you, get your money into Lehman Brothers stock now!

I am sick and tired of hearing these baseless allegations! I was cleared of all charges in Thailand and I will not sit here and be labeled a peda- (sound of rat pissing on cotton) - oh I'm sorry I misunderstood the question.

Since when does taking PEDs give you an edge over your political opposition?

Reporters - So Mr. Sonnen let me get this straight you have been busted for using PEDS?

Chael - NO MATTER WHAT I'M STILL THE NUMBER 1 MIDDLE WEIGHT IN THE WORLD, HAS FOUGHT BETTER COMPETITION THAN ANDERSON SILVA HAS IN HIS ENTIRE LIFE, AND I WILL ALWAYS BE SLAMMING THE HAMMER!!!! NOW THATS THE TRUTH!!!!

Reporter - Mr. Sonnen your a fucking idiot!

Here to talk about his new book "Doping, Cheating, and Success in Politics" is the Author and newly elected State Representative of Oregon, Chael Sonnen; Chael, tell us how you turned it around from disgraced fighter to elected official...

So I'm at a GNC when a guy in a Japanese wrestling costume walk up and says he fighting me next.

I said 'dude I'm a real fighter, not a fake wrestler.

He laughs and in a booming Yoda-ish tone says, 'you will be, yes, you will be'

Never trust a politician... never.

So, what is it like to have fellow MMA fighter Jose Canseco penetrate your ass with a needle?

"I've got the balls to put my balls in the balls Hall of Fame for biggest balls had by the man with the smallest balls, and I'm looking forward to nailing Anderson's balls to the wall of the balls Hall...................... testicles"

Chael: Yeah, it actually turns out I was too busy writing jokes and not paying attention to the damn calendar. I should have stopped juicing a week earlier.

Dumb looking guy on the left: You must be a F#%$ing Retard!

Si, si, no hablo Ingles Senor Gringo

"Saying you take steroids is like admitting you're afraid of the dark. It may be true but saying it makes you a real wimp!"

I'll take "Extreme Cases of Career Ending Failure" for 1000, Alex.

"I don't know why this is suddenly big news. I've been been a PEDophile for a while. Asian boys. I let them stay in Yushin's room."

Chael " I had to share the locker room with machida. I thought he had brought me an apple juice but it wasn't. I downed it before I noticed it was odd tasting urine. My theory is it was a Brazilian conspiracy set up by Anderson. I'm positive it was laced with PED's. That why I suggested to the commission that I had taken something. I couldn't tell by the taste what brand it was so I could not elaborate on the specifics. I will be hiring my own investigation team to collect a 1 gallon same of urine from Machida. We will then do a panel taste testing to determine the brand of PED's. I will get to the bottom of this.

Chael: I don't know why we are talking about my PED use so much when in fact, the lady sitting in between you guys is about as average as the state of Delaware.

As the 2010 "Hypocrites Against Hypocrisy" Summit began, the attendees awaited speaker Chael Sonnen's keynote address entitled "The Importance of Respecting One's Opponent." When it was all over Chael knew by Gretchen Carlson's vacant and almost lifeless stare that it went over well.

If I am elected I will make it legal for every man women and child to be able to ingest steroids to give them selves cancer

Excuse me while I spit these PEDs out of my mouth!!!!

Just seconds previous to the picture:

Chael: OK, I guess I'll fight the lady in purple. She looks like she could use a good lay and pray, if you know what I mean. What, this is fox, right? And that leaves the two guys. I'll just fuck them both and marry myself, am I right?

Producer: You know we're live right? And that they heard you?

Chael: *fart*

So Chael, did Barack Hussein Obama just spike your Gatorade with cold medicine or was he also disguised as Anderson Silva?

(some rediculous not understandable mumbling sounding like an albino bill cosby)

musta been the jello

Yeah! You heard right, I just gave my balls cancer.

In addition to pissing hot, Chael also seemed to be coping with Anderson Silva's foot, still firmly lodged in his ass.

If I could draw your attention to page 3, paragraph 5, you can clearly see, and I quote `Chael Sonnen shall not be held responsible or liable for anything Chael Sonnen says or does.`Now I`m outta here suckas.

Matt Serra is huge in Tokyo.

"I'm as natural as Holly Madison's breasts"

You may have your own TV show, but I'M THE BEST...

Sonnen: I have never used steroids. Period. I don't know how to say it any more clearly than that. Never

Fox: Orly?

Sonnen: I have never intentionally used steroids. Never. Ever. Period.

Fox: So... any plans after the UFC and mixed martial arts?

Sonnen: Major leauge baseball.

I'm so unoriginal I can't even think of anything to copy and paste...

Women: So Chael how does it feel to shit on your career and political Aspirations.

Chael: Oh, I ugh think that my Options are endless and that I'll have time to train as a full time fighter finally. I can even try and make some cash on the failing housing market, Dammit I think I just shit myself.

Man on the right: Chael now that you have a mouth full of feet and pants full of shit what are you going to do next?

Man on the left: Yeah, Chael whats next for the man who can't beat a triangle choke to save his career even with the help of Performance enhancing drugs?

Chael: I'm Going to Disney LAND! I sure do hope Hannah Montana is there playing live I want her autograph, She turns eighteen in november *giggle* *giggle* *hehe*

For the first time in his life Chael was lost for words after taking an on air prison rape from Brockroids and Sir Lancealot.
Meanwhile the Fox crew is speechless after witnessing what just took place and are dum founded as to what to do as they never prepared any material for the interview as they figured Chael would run with it on his own.....

Sonnen: No really the I'm a member of the Westboro Baptist Church and Jesus made me do it.
Fox News: What's that Mr. Sonnen hate gays or use PED's

I am going to have to respectfully disagree with all of you, I think Steve Mazzagatti looked better with his moustache.

For your crimes against the CSAC, you shall be imprisoned with us in The Phantom Zone.

"Now Chael, tell us more about the grand opening of your new gym, Team Quest-osterone."

CS: "Let me tell you, this is all a mishap. I actually went through an extensive study and it was determined that I have Over Trained Athlete Syndrome. To prove this, you may take a sample from this cholonic I am having right now."

SD: "Funny you should say that, my colonoscopy came back clean yesterday."

Hosts: "...says here that you lost your last UFC fight by submission?"

Chael: "UFC? I've never said anything about the UFC..not until right now"

"Its all BS, I told the CSAC I was taking Immodium before I gave my test sample, how else did they expect me to deal with my severe case of oral diarehia?"

Sonnen: Sorry for not wearing a tie, gentlemen. I'm tired of having things around my neck strangling me.

Chael: Lesnar? Here? Now? What did you have to call him for?

TV crew: Something about sticking a polished boot up your ass, Chael.

Chael: " The real estate market is booming right now in Oregon. I'm selling huge parcels of land to Mexican nationals who use it for agricultural purposes...and if I can't be #1 in the Octagon it's time for me to move on. Now I would be open to explore my options in Strikeforce perhaps possibly getting triangled by Jacare...if he feels lucky enough"

When it comes to spewing crazy nonsense, FOX News is the champion, but I'm the best!

"Look, here's the thing... as a Republican, I naturally produce testosterone at levels much higher than those prissy ass Democrats."

Fox: For your stunning performance at UFC 117, Chael, we're going to reward you with a trophy of ours.

Sonnen: Thanks, I really do appre... Hey, what the hell is this next to my name?!

Fox: an asterisk.

Wait...check out my O face.

"Why am I not wearing a tie? Well, I was getting dressed this morning, really dominating my outfit. The shirt, the pants, the shoes, the jacket: perfect. Just like I practiced. But when it came to the last couple minutes and putting on my tie, I made a rookie mistake. It tightened up, and I woke up on my bedroom floor without a belt."

Steve Doocy: "So we have to ask you about these recent steroid accusations..."
Chael Sonnen: "Wha... what are you talking about? What steroid accusations?"
SD: "The recent ones made by the CSAC saying that you took steroids in your figh..."
CS: "I'm sorry. I don't know what your talking about. I don't know about any steroid accusations."
SD: "Well... you know, the accusations that just came out about your testing positive for a banned..."
CS: "I have no idea what you're talking..."
Brian Kilmeade: "Well, Mr. Sonnen, don't you think it is a little hypocritical after what you said about Lance Armstrong, and now..."
CS: "Who's Lance Armstrong? I don't know what you're saying about accusations and steroids.... I'm just here to talk about my race for the Oregon senate."
Gretchen Carlson: "Ummm... Mr. Sonnen, I believe you dropped out of that race."
CS: "Dropped out? Steroids? Lance Armstrong? Would you try to focus over there and make some sense. I am here to tell you that my opponent in this race has no respect for his constituents..."
SD: "Uh, Mr. Sonnen, you are no longer in- ..."
CS: "And furthermore, I'm going to do everyone in Oregon a favor and drop this Democrat on his prissy little ass, and pound a hole in his face for 25 minutes."
GC: "Uh, Mr. Sonnen, you are making it sound like this is one of your Ultimate Fighting matches."
CS: "Look. I'm trying to give the people of Oregon an idea what I'm going to do for them, and on November 9, I'm going to send that loser packing and walk home with a belt around my waist."
SD: "Mr. Sonnen, Mr. Sonnen... now you know there isn't an actual belt you win in a Senate race, and I don't believe you are even in that race anymore."
CS: "You know... everyone keeps talking like my opponent is invincible, but I've got two national championship plaques on my wall that say Chael Sonnen is going to do what Chael Sonnen says he is going to do. And I have never in my career lost to another middleweight opponent in a Senate election."
SD: "I don't even know anymore if you are talking about fighting, or a political race, or-..."
CS: "And you know what, considering the campaign he has run, my opponent is probably gonna get ball cancer, like that cheater Lance Armstrong."
SD: "I thought you said you didn't know who Lance... aww, fuck it!!! What are people gonna do... change the channel and watch Matt-fucking-Lauer!"

Mr. Sonnen.....When we asked if you would submit to further testing, we didn't mean at this moment. Could you please stop pissing on air.

Fox news confronting the spanish Chael Sonnen imposter.

Well, I think the UFC should give me a bonus, actually. I intentionally gave myself cancer just to beat up Anderson for them.

Don't be scared... it just my face!

I cheated so what? The difference between me and Lance Armstrong is I am a fighter. I have balls of steel. He rides a bike.

Fox & Friends: Can you please explain your positive steroid test Mr. Sonnen?

Chael: All I know is I went out drinking with Sean Sherk and Josh Barnett, and the next thing I know Carina Damm is stripping and I'm eating goat tacos with "Pequeno" Nogueira.

"No, I definitely have no syringe in my hand, that is the truth. Whoever claims they saw a syringe in my hand is a lazy, disco dancing, greasy democrat."

"It takes big balls to sling all that bullshit, but I didn't realize that by talking so much shit I would actually give myself big balls. A side effect of big balls, as you all know, is lots of testosterone in my system. It's that simple."

It's pronounced ''Son-nen''....not ''Sun In''...Hey O'Reily, Portugese is a step up from translating ''Cam'ron and Ludacris''.

When I get elected to congress I plan to tackle the tough issues like unsolicited attacks from Brazilian terrorists and the dangerous use of PEDs and steroids in professional sports. The actions taken by athletes like Lance Armstrong are not only reprehensible, they also lead to really annoying rashes on your back sometimes.

These accusations are ridiculous. I don't need steroids. As a matter of fact, steroids inject my blood when they need a boost.

"Even the Fox News crew can smell Sonnen's bullshit."

Chael Sonnen had woke that morning to great expectations. Today would be his day, the morning show he had always wanted to be on, always wanted to be interviewed by, was finally having him on the show. The immense pressure Chael imposed on himself as a result of his overwhelming excitement had given him the worst case of constipation Mr. Sonnen had ever experienced.

Everything Chael had been waiting for culminated in his appearance on the morning show. Little did he know that once he finally had his shot at the big time, he would be the master of his own demise.

Just as his interviewed finished and his worry dissipated. Did he shit himself.

I learned how to cycle from an Iphone app!

Right after Chael realized his joke about Sarah Palin and the moose was not sitting well with the Conservative Fox News panel

Even if all 4 of them vomited for the entire span of this interview, it still wouldnt produce as much waste as the 4 of them actually conducting the interview.

"Now we go to UFC middleweight contender Chael Sonnen, live via satellite from his bathroom..."

Well guys...the thing is I'm a Republican, I mean I've got (R) tattooed on my silver tongue, so I'm just going to say a bunch of stuff and you can just go ahead and take things out of context like you usually do....and you just make me look good. I mean...Anderson Silva may have beaten me while I was taking roids, but the guy's a militant, Kenyan muslim, intellectual elitist who eats fancy salads and asparagus....I did what I had to do.....for America

Chael: Great interview, now if you don't mind I was going to Feng shui Yushin's room.

Chael: It was actually easy to call out GSP, Shogun and Lesnar. Unless those guys end up wrestling in Japan I'm pretty safe. I almost slipped up and called out Josh Barnett...close call.

Chael: I know I was shocked too when I found out they speak Mexican in Brazil.

Chael Sonnen pays a visit to the only people more delusional than him.

Look guys, if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck then it probably IS a duck. I'm the greatest urinator in all of MMA and that's really all this test proves. QUACK!

"Did Ed Soares put you up to this? I'll kick all three of your asses right now...wait, nobody knows Jiu Jitsu, they?"

Fox News and Friends: Can you please explain how you tested positive for PEDs?

Chael: I told you I was a pro wrestling fan.

Sonnen nervously waits backstage in sequester moments before Gretchen has the results of the paternity test revealed.

How silly is that, I mean I know im supposed to lead by example, I know that, but we talkin bout training man, what are we talkin about? TRAINING!! Man we talkin bout training.. Not the fight, but training.

Admitting that you took PED's is like admitting a leg-kick hurt which is like admitting that you're afraid of the dark.

Let me finish...... Ahhhhhhh.........

Where were we? Oh yes, My MMA career is done, I'm running for president. Hell, if Obama can lie to everyone, I'm a shoe in!

Eu não falam Inglês

And when Sonnen realized that his web of lies and trash talk were ineffective against Fox News reporters, the sudden onset of fear caused him to shart his pants.

Chael may have been putting the cart before the horse as he announced his intention to run for President of the United States and some of his choices for cabinet members.

Department of State- Dana White
Department of the Treasury-Wes Sims
Department of Defense-Brian Stann
Department of Justice-War Machine
Department of the Interior- Matt Hughes
Department of Agriculture-Nick Diaz
Department of Commerce-The Tapout crew
Department of Labor-Scott Coker
Department of Health and Human Services-Dan Quinn
Department of Housing and Urban Development-Kimbo Slice
Department of Transportation-Quinton Jackson
Department of Energy-Shane Carwin
Department of Education-Tito Ortiz
Department of Homeland Security-Randy Couture
Office of the Vice President- Arianny Celeste

Damn, War Machine is never around ...
Im Sure he could give me some solid advice on who to answer your question..

Look, you guys may be fine with awkwardly staring at a guy who may or may not have done steroids on live TV, but I'm a republican and we don't do that.

Next up on Fox and Friends Hitler, Satan and Karl Rove.

Fox News Panel: So Chael, can you explain why you tested positive for steroids?

Chael: Honestly, I'm such a blue-collar mans-man that I generate more testosterone than 3 average men put together. It must have chemically reacted with the hot sauce from the carne asada breakfast burrito I ate that morning resulting is a false positive.

In his first interview after his alleged use of PED's, Chael rushed to the one news source he wouldn't have to use "plants" to get asked the right questions.

Apparently PED makes your tongue swell and balls shrink.

sorry guys.. i didnt here your question? i was trying to come up with a clever caption on cagepotato.com, so i can win some new fight gear cause im going to be broke once i am release from the UFC

"Fuck, marry, kill... in that order. What? I'm a Republican."

"Yes you heard me correctly, Lance Armstrong's cancer gave me steroids"

"I thought I could distract the pre-fight examiners by running my mouth in a peculiar fashion as well."

Chael: Yes i did indeed use PEDs.
Fox: People are saying your use of PEDs will tarnish the perception of the Republican Party
Chael: I did it to beat up a colored!
Fox: Oh OK, Well thanks Chael for calling in. We wish you nothing but future success. In other news...

my captions arnet being posted wtf

For chrissakes, it's 9:15am PST and already 143 comments.

**waves hand and air taps a la Dan Evensen**

Wait a minute everybody. That's not Chael, thats his Hispanic doppelgänger thats been impersonating him.

"I also wanked before the fight but nobody is asking about that!"

"they took errrr jobs!"

hold on i think i can hear a rat pissing on cotton

The guy on the left looks like he has a Mexican accent.

no no no... its pronounced chael not fai... oh.. fail!

.

[re: Serra Photo (yeah I know it's the wrong one)]

Tokyo Five.....





... feet tall

Chael discussing the merits of being fair and balanced.

"Listen...taking PED's is like eating chinese food, im going to want to do it again 20 minutes later, hence my UFC 109 and 117 fight. Vote for me"

Don't know about you two, but I'd fill her with testosterone.

Fairly Unbalanced

Chucks sniffing paint, Karos snorting powder, Diaz & Co smoke an inhuman amount of weed, and now Chaels robotripping! Whats next? Lyoto starts cheesing?

The only losers in this battle of wits are us, the viewers.

"You three guys are the last people I need to explain my actions to"

The hosts are confused as to who this guy is. When they were told todays guest would be a republican fighter with a drug problem, they just assumed it would be Rush Limbaugh.

"If I truly believed Lance was juicing I would not have swallowed his load the morning of the fight."

"I just gave my balls cancer from taking those steroids"

Chael: Ohh wait, I thought you said testicular cancer!!

Fox News: We did.

Chael: Oh.....

(The only one who was laughing was Karma)

"Do any of your guys have Karl Rove's number? This Damage Control Situation may be a little out of Matt Lindland's league."

Elephant in the room...

This is gonna be a one sided beating and the comish is swining the hammer!!!

"Well bob, I dont know much about these alleged PED accusations, but can I offer you a warm cup of shut the fuck up ..."

I can cheat any man God ever made.

Don't talk to me in that tone!!! You obviously didn't see my last fight or my back.....I grounded and pounded the crap out of a spider and I'm on roids. Now what?!?!?!? UH, if I admit I'm on roids, does that put me in the clear?

Apparently Butterbean's already working hard on his next event's promotional poster...

"Ok CSAC guys I just want you to know I took some PED's, and I will probably piss hot tonight after the fight"

"uhhhhh MR. Sonnen this is Fox& friends, we aren't going to test your urine."

"O shit, I think I just felt my nut cancer grow."

"My manager tells me the guy who hacked my twitter account also peed in that cup. Oh, did i tell you i wrote a poem about the California state athletic commission?"

These four people make ridiculous money saying ludicrous things, 75% of which even they don't believe.

First off, the steroids had nothing to do with my fighting career. I could whoop Anderson Silva's roody-pooh candy ass any day of the week and twice on Saturday. I was using them for my political career. I figured if I was ever going to be able to run the great state of Oregon, I might need a little boost. It worked for Arnold.

What I told the CSAC was that I have been using Old Spice, in case any PED's show up in my sample. That's why I'm so manly.

sometimes these things happen in the right wing

"My excuse? Minorities. Next question fool."

"Wait, let me get this straight. They DON'T test for office and they DO test for fights?!? Ummmm, might have a problem here guys."

Due to the recent popularity of the Nogueira series of black belt happy meal toys, Sonnen announces on Fox&Friends his very own Happy Meal series of Hannah Montana themed Performance Enhancing Drugs.

Chael: I am announcing the formation of my new charitable organization "The LiveFake Foundation" - who wants a wristband??

The CSAC misremembered my not giving a medical reason for taking a banned substance. I needed it to increase my sperm count after I shot my load each time I was in front of a camera or crowd. I'm a family man, an American, and an American, and America needs more Sonnens. Sonnen for State Representative. Thank you.

Eye reeelly do not like zuh cheeters like Lanch Armstrong who are alweez takeen zuh cheeting drugs. Eye wood neveh do zat. No way Jose.

And hey, Gretchen, this steroid thing doesn't mean my dick ain't still big.

"--and then, in the fifth round, i was beating him up, and he told me that if he lost the Brazilian mafia would send rabid ninja monkeys armed with chainsaws after his children, his family. I felt bad for him, and i patted him, gently, like so. And the ref called the fight!"

"Right, and any comment on the reports that you tested positive for a banned substance?"

"What?"

"The California State Athletic Commission has reported that you failed a drug screen after your fight with Anderson Silva."

"Who? I've never fought Anderson Silva. Listen, i have a beautiful Ardmore Classic. Possible short sale with motivated seller, bring all offers."

Chael is now unable to wear ties as the tightness around his neck brings memories of the triangles flooding back.

The FOX News crew looked on in confusion as Chael actually tried to convince them that he was not actually on FOX News right now, nor had he ever been on FOX News, and that they were wasting their time interviewing him because the Chael they were seeking does not actually exist.

Luckily the confusion quickly dissipated when Chael blamed his rant on bleeding-heart-liberal-illegal-aliens who were controlling his body remotely from the welfare offices. This explanation made perfect sense to the FOX News crew and they applauded Chael for his continued service in the war on terror.

chat roulette takes an interesting turn

"Look, I have NEVER done steroids, or any form of performance enhancing substance. I have NEVER peed in a cup. In fact, I have NEVER fought Anderson Silva. Next question please."

You don't have to come confess, we gonna find you, we gonna find you, Cheal is so dumb, so dumb, so dumb, so you can run and tell that homeboy.

"I thought he said they were PEZ"

I am not a steroid user! I may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a steroid user, but I am NOT a porn star!

Can't a country boy just have too much fun?

Chael Sonnen: Making Sarah Palin more credible by the minute.

"I think I just got Testicular Cancer"

Chael: Guys go out and they pick their fights and they take easy fights, fighting math teachers from Ohio and one-legged guys from Canada. There is going to be a tremendous difference when he gets in there with a juice head from Portland, Oregon.

Host: **confused** What was that?

Chael: I said there is going to be a tremendous difference when he gets in there with an All-American from Portland, Oregon.

Host: Actually, Chael, I think you said "with a juice head from Portland, Oregon."

Chael: **pause** ¿Qué usted está hablando?

"Listen Fox and Friends I don't do camps I don't sleep in tents and I don't roast marshmellows!! I train while keeping a full time job and use the the ocassional steroid. All these guys that cry about training full time and don't even have a job need to shut it and get some otc performance enhancing drugs and quit being whiney little liberal bitches!!! "

How can you say you didn't when we just seen you take them Chael?

In a way, each of us has an Anderson Silva to face. For some, shyness might be their Anderson Silva. For others, a lack of jiu-jitsu defense might be their Anderson Silva. For me, Anderson Silva is big, dangerous Brazilian who wants to kill me. But as sure as my name is Chael Sonnem, the people of Team Quest can conquer their own personal Anderson Silva, who also happens to be *the actual* Anderson Silva!

In a strange turn of events, Sonnen actually starts to put other people to sleep...

Its not what it looks like. See what had happened was... I was coming out of the shower when I tripped, fell and landed on the needle

Chapel: Excuse me. May I go to the bathroom first?

Panel: Of course you may.

Chapel: ............................... Thank you.

Ah, Chael, why aren't you wearing any pants? And my God, those are really small.

Panel: Mr Sonnen would you like to comment on the accusations that you are or have taken PED's?

Chael: I sure would. Ladies and gentlemen of the supposed panel, ... I have one final thing I want you to consider. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookiee from the planet Kashyyyk. But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about it; that does not make sense! Why would a Wookiee, an eight-foot tall Wookiee, want to live on Endor, with a bunch of two-foot tall Ewoks? That does not make sense! But more important, you have to ask yourself: What does this have to do with this case? Nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case! It does not make sense! Look at me. I'm a fighter defending a major rules violation, and I'm talkin' about Chewbacca! Does that make sense? Ladies and gentlemen, I am not making any sense! None of this makes sense! And so you have to remember, when you're in that jury room deliberatin' and conjugatin' the Emancipation Proclamation, does it make sense? No! Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, it does not make sense! If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must acquit! The defense rests.

Because people have got to know whether or not their no.1 contender is a crook, Well I am not a crook...
Nor do I sound like a latino... andale andale ariba ariba!!!!

So, Chael - in light of your recent positive test for PEDs, would you like to reconsider your position on Lance Armstrong and Michael Phelps? Or are you going to launch a so-called "feel-sorry-for-me" campaign and make millions as a fraud?

Well I decided to try Machidas piss drinking technique. I thought it would be better to drink piss from the source. The source being Josh Barnett.

After the show, Chael tested positive for being a douchebag

Steve Douchey and friends look on in shock and bewilderment as Chael Sonnen rambles on with quotes like, "Yeah, Barack Obama is my homeboy" and "Of course I think Dick Cheney gave himself heart disease to become Vice President."

=================================================

The new cast of 'Sonnen': The Republican "Seinfeld"

=================================================

Chael thinking to himself "Where the fuck is Megyn Kelly?" Unfortunately, Sonnen reflexively says whatever is on his mind at any given moment.

=================================================

Doocy and the gang continue staring confusingly at the monitor while trying to figure out Sonnen's first name.

Very funny everyone, good luck to all!

Screencap or not, it's nice to Sonnen's mouth not moving.

I was under the impression that it was literally "Jesus Juice", and as a member of the conservative party I would be ashamed not to partake in such a substance

@librarian

+1 for Steven Colbert's description of "guy who isn't Steve Doocy."

"After pad practice or right before the fight, Matt (Lindland) and I would duck into a stall in the men's room, load up our syringes, and inject ourselves. I always injected myself, because I had practiced enough to know just what I was doing, but often I would inject Matt as well."

"Sonnen says look straight ahead."
"Sonnen says fold your hands."
"Uncross you legs. Red tie guy you are out Sonnen didn't say."

Or

"What? I thought you guys called yourselves conservatives."

I told you I would be champ.. i couldn't beat silva.. but i will beat this cancer i gave myself
I won't stop until I have that BELT

Their icy stares continued, and then all at once it hit him.
The shame and overwhelming embarrassment in that moment of realization at what he had done & what the repercussions of his actions might be was almost more than poor Chael Sonnen's heart could bare.

But it was true & there was no denying it, he had slipped up somewhere along the way & had foolishly allowed himself to forget the #1 rule of show business!

Always keep your hands folded in front of you...

Yushin Okami told me to do it. As a republican I was appaled...but at the end of the day, there is a limit to the amount of ancient Japanese medicine a guy can ingest. The Dolphin just wasn't working.

CHAEL SONNEN
"MEXICANS STOLE MY PISS"

poll: wanderlei silva "still awesome"....scurvy #1 concern of pirate voters...

Chael made several demands before he would appear on Fox and Friends. Here we find proof that the hosts did in fact "Cover their triangles" to keep Chael from passing out.

Pardon me I was up all night drinking lemon chellos with George Clooney.

"...and furthermore, if you call me "Kale" Sonnen again, I will come to that studio and manhandle you like BJ Penn did, brunette guy who is not Steve Doocy. I've seen your wrestling, and it would be an easy matter to take you down and punch you until you get a personal 1 on 1 with Jesus."

"..."

"I at no point said that I would beat up Brian Kilmeade."

Okay. It was never easy for me. I was born a poor black child. I remember the days, sittin' on the porch with my family, singin' and dancin' down in Mississippi...

Fox News: Chael, I don't get it. You're a Republican...So his balls were in your face when you were "submitted"...

Chael: Wow...when you hear it put it that way from Fox News..yeah this sport is pretty gay

"After taking that much Sudafed, how could I do anything BUT lay on top of him for 20 minutes?"

"What don't you people understand? Testosterone is clearly not a banned substance. Have you ever heard of the Allman Brothers getting caught backstage with testosterone? How about Creedence? Pink Flloyd? Those are some of this countries greatest bands, and they've probably never even heard of the stuff. To call it a banned substance is just silly, and frankly, I for one am slightly insulted you would make that accusation. That's all I have to say about the matter; next question."

chirp....chirp...

This is why we need more laws like SB1070 in Arizona. In addition to be-headings, terrorist-anchor babies and stealing our jobs these illegals are stealing our Twitter accounts, giving fake PR interviews and pissing hot in our name all over this nation and frankly it has to be stopped. If we could keep out these fancy pants Brazilians with their magic triangles that would be great too.

PED's are bad mmmkay.

And what's your reaction to all of Turd Furgeson's comments being flagged as spam?

A horrified look came over Chael's face as he realized he was yet again about to be trapped by a deadly triangle.

'In a moment of madness and desperation due to his current situation, Chael decided the only way to prove his innocence was to give a urine sample live on air much to the dispeasure of the Fox and Friends breakfast show team'

You ain't got shit on me!

I didn't know Tokyo Five had a line of children's clothing.

oh wait, wrong pic.

"Fox and Friends, ya this seems about right."

"Chael insista to Fox News that the WMGD (weapons of mass gainer destruction) where from Brazil and Ed Soares was the culprit."

"It is time for everyone's new favorite game, white devil four square"

I'd like to assure my constituents and the "Fair and Balanced" folks at Fox News that the PED's I did in fact take, were merely to enhance my real estate prowess, and in no way added to my jiu jitsu game.

well, enough about that phony Lance Armstrong giving himself cancer. I'm here to tell you all that I think homosexuality is an abomination! As congressman I will fight to keep same sex marriage illegal, I will wipe out prostitution in Oregon, I'll vote for mandatory life sentences for drug users and I will outlaw all forms of gambling in the state. Now, is this interview over? I have to go blow a guy for crack because I lost all my money betting on myself to beat anderson silva.

You see, this is just proof that I am the toughest, smartest, prettiest fighter in all of MMA. I can handle my PED's, I dont even call them drugs, they are Republifuel for me. I use them to take belts from Pig Latin speaking day laborers, and blond Reich'ers as well..I can beat anyone from Aldo to Esch!

"Well, bachelor #3, I have in fact been caught in several triangles that did leave me jaded. I thought I needed something to help me, you know, 'perform', but that only seemed to make things worse..."

And Chael, how do you feel about athletes who stoop so low that they use performance enhancing drugs?

Reporter: Well Chael, it sounds like urine trouble now!

Chael: Shut the fuck up.

Chael " and that was the last time I went to brazil....... wait what was the question?"

Live via satellite we have Juan Valdez Ramos Rodriguez, a CSAC representative who claims that the reports of Chael Sonnen failing their drug test are false and "a homosexual democratic conspiracy."

"Did you say...EVEN TAX CUTS are banned in the UFC?!?"

Fair vs. Unblanaced...

Some people have accused me of having back acne due to steroid use. However; I came on your show today to prove I'm innocent and to tell you that it is just bedbugs I got by staying overnight at the Diaz household.

Shrunken balls, meet shrunken brains.

My balls were too big, what else are you gonna do?

I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to all my fans and specifically Rex13. The pressure was just to much to handle...If I could take it back I wouldn't. I may have lost everyones respect but at least i am not drinking through a straw! Anyone want to buy a house?

"This is obviously an attempt by the BJJ-Industrial Complex to discredit my total domination of their golden boy. I have never taken ANY performance enhancing drugs, EVER, in my life...Except milk...I'm actually high as a kite, right now."

"Listen....I've got 2 national championship plaques on my wall that says I may or may not have won them while using PED's"

*************************************************

"This isn't going to be a war. This is going to be a one sided pounding and I am swinging the syringe."

Hold on Tito is calling....

Son, we live in a world that has cages, and within those cages, it must be occupied by men with guns (Chael flexes his biceps). Whose gonna do it? You? You, California Athletic Commision? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for Lance Armstrong, and you curse the juicers. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know *cough-Brock-Lesnar-cough*… And I know a lot. That Anderson Silva's near defeat, while tragic to me, Chael Sonnen, probably saved the lives of the many gamblers who bet their mortgages on The Spider’s victory. And my existence, while grotesque, mind-boggling, sometimes funny, and utterly incomprehensible to you, saves lives! You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at Pay-Per View parties, you want me in that Cage, you need me in that cage. We use words like honor, sportsmanship, natural athleticism. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent sitting on our couches watching TUF. You use them as a punchline… Pun-intended. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man *cough-Dana-White-cough*who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I, Chael Sonnen the Fastest White Man Alive, provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way… Otherwise, I suggest you pick up some HGH, and stand in your corner. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to.

I’m Chael Sonnen and I approve this message.

Thanks for talking with us Cha...wait, what did you just say about Lance Armstrong?

Well, this is Fox and Friends so chances are the craziest comments won't be coming out of Chael's mouth.

I'm sorry to interrupt you Chael, but did you just fart?

Don't worry guys I didn't drop out of the congressional race, it was some imposter with a Hispanic accent.

It's weird, even the woman reacted instinctively to Chael's story of what it felt like to receive a low blow in a fight.

Right about now Chael is wishing he hadn't forgotten his spinning bow-tie.

No, I'm not sorry. You did this to yourself, you are the one who started this caption contests. Go pray to whatever demon effigy you dance in front of, and maybe all of the comments wont be this retarded.

Chael: "I swear to the almighty dollar and on my prestigous real estate licence that I have never done any performance enhancing drugs and that I don't have a drug problem. I might have caught something off Josh Barnett because we shared needles when we were shooting up cough medicine the day before.Either that or the mansex we shared.Hey,it's not gay,we're wrestlers,it's part of the training."

No, this won't affect my upcoming rematch. Few people know this, but Anderson Silva is actually Mayan, NOT Brazilian, and has been campaigning to get our rematch postponed until new years 2012 in hopes the world no longer exists.

Sonnen, explaining the idea of fighting black people to America's #1 News Source.

Fox - " so the needle is actually still in your, pardon my language, ass ?! "
Chael - "......... I mean you got to understand. I could drag Anderson Silva outside the hotel and beat him up any time I want, but this shit is extremly uncomfortable"

Now they're still Twitter accounts? Hispanics really will take anything.

Chael, do farts have lumps in them?

Listen, That urine didn't even look like my urine, It must have been Yushin's urine, it did have an Asian accent!

Well if I do get kicked out of the UFC for steroid use atleast I know that I have my prominent political career to fall back on...what?

cheer up Chael there are FAR worst things on chat roulette

"Guys, listen. There is more than one way to get bacne, and I do not appreciate the negative connotations that I may have ingested a banned substance. At no point did I tell the CSAC that I would likely piss hot. This is all a smear campaign by the liberal left. A white man can't have any fun in this country anymore. And let me tell you another thing... Anderson Silva understands English just fine. THAT'S what you should be reporting on. Not some non-issue like this."

"I don't understand what all the fuzz is about, since when is Spyder pesticide a performance enhancing drug?"

"I don't see what the problem is. I mean I use steroids all the time and I nev--GRRRRRAAAAAGGGHHHHH!!!"

And the anchors of Fox News were never seen again...for 24 minutes until they threw a triangle choke in the air.

For the last time, my name is Chael Sonnen, not Anne Coulter. I only want to hurt one Brazilian guy.

For some reason Chael cannot concentrate on this interview. He's having flashbacks of the movie "Basic Instinct".

Ever see Scanners where that dude's head blew up?

For the last time, stop calling in. We can't help you file unemployement!

It only took moments for Chael to realize the people at the Fox News channel had turned against him...he knew he should have worn his Scrappy Doo tie.

Before we start this interview, I want to let you know I just took a bunch of Stevia.

I believe there was a mix up with my tests and that mexican guy, Chaelito Sonnchez

Dude, I know we work with Glen Beck, but you are clearly just saying stuff to get attention.

and "I JIZZED IN MY PANTS!!"

Sonnen: And look, you guys can sit there all day with those dopey looks on your face, but I never said anything about Lance Armstrong, I never took steroids in my life, and I have never once fought in a cage. I'm a humble real estate agent from Oregon, and I don't understand why you're even talking to me unless you want to buy a piece of a timeshare on the coast for a nice summer home.

Steve Doocy: More on how Barack Obama's mother in law may actually be a vampire Muslim Satan Communist, after this message from Wilford Brimley's diabeetus.

Brian Kilmeade: Duuuuuh.

Gretchen Carlson: (farts)

Sorry that I look uncomfortable, but right now it's just hard to sit. Josh Barnett just stopped by the house.

Sonnen: "No this won't hurt my political career. Arnold Schwarzenegger abused steroids too, and he's still governor of California."

"Listen, if you can't be a lying, cheating Republican on Fox News, where can you be one? Excuse me, I have to take this call from the CSAC.................. apparently, you can lie and cheat in California."

Chael Sonnon, the only man to crawl through a half mile of shit and with 10 feet left to go get caught in a triangle and taken right back to prison.

Luckily for the internet the exact moment the "brown note" was broadcast worldwide. This crappy morning show was live with some guy that ran in some election.

I did not take steroids. I also didnt have that radio interview and i also do not have a twitter account

what are you looking at? at least i dont drink my own piss!

"so..Chael, your telling me that you have no pants on right now?"

Space Ghost conducts interviews for the new Jan, Jace and Blip the Monkey.

If I win a cp shirt I will wear it for the entrance to EVERY fight I do. I am just that much of a freebie whore. Fuck the caption send me a free shirt. Srsly.

the world watched in amazement as Chael took a dump on live TV just to prove the he could talk shit and actually shit at the same time.

I did not have injectable relations with that PED

Hey, If it's good enough for Lance Armstrong, it's good enough for me.

I thought to defeat the virus known as the spyder I needed a whole lot of cold medicine in my system.

Excuse me Sir, yes you on the right. May I have your undivided attention, please? You don't want to make me angry.

Yea i did it and your show sucks & thats why i didnt come in person! now what?

Excuse me, but several zits on my back just popped.

Can you please tell me the definition of "is"?