Joe Rogan introduces Michael Phelps for his first MMA match…

Vera: ” BV phone home”

Rogan: “Oh, shit he thinks he’s ET again. Dude, hand me that blanket”

After having his face broken in his last fight, Brandon Vera decided to become a spokesmodel for Nair. Joe Rogan is not a spokesmodel for Nair.

I THINK THE WAY OUT IS OVER THERE. AT LEAST, THAT AMBULANCE IS OVER THERE.

Or:
Rogan: “No, Brandon, I think you have to go in this direction”.

Or:
Rogan: “Jonny Bones, you had your moment. It’s Brandon’s turn now”.

He’s smiling on the outside, but the weigh in performance of “YMCA” has been joyless since War Machine left.

Looks like his orbital bone wasn`t the only bone getting attention.

Joe: “Brandon, I know you`re excited that the Phillipino replacement singer for Journey is at the weigh ins….. But this dude over here is ready to break your face.“

Jon Jones: “Don`t stop believing that, son.

One of you camera men is going to have to step up and get a close up of it. You there? How about you?

*10 minutes after Rogan and Vera dropped some acid backstage*

Rogan: “Dude I’m freaking out, do you see bubbles floating around in here?”
Vera: “HAHA, I just popped that one right before it got out of reach.”

Brandon Vera, once again vowing to return to his old self, slips into a pair of shorts he wore throughout the entirety of the first grade.

Suddenly Master Toddy yelling “Now Cobra” at Kerry Vera took on a whole new meaning

yo Rothwell please hook a brother up

The dude from Survivor finally has his break out fight even though he is battling cancer. First UFC event sanctioned in the third world.

Tiger Woods probably hit that too..

“Now can I get my prescription refilled here in Colorado to make the Nightmares go away? I don’t know if I can smoke enought of what I brought with me… Quick, Fatty Hogwatcher get me the double bubble and I will let you take a peek and what is behind curtain number 3.”

Brandon’s coaches knew they were in trouble when, during the Hokey Pokey, Joe Rogan said “Put your left hand in…”

Vera: “Number one big penis right here!”

Rogan: “Actually, I think Bones’ penis is much bigger than yours.”

Rogan: “How about you, sir, would you like to pull his finger?”

A failed attempt to show that speedos are not just for losers and European tourists.

Brandon Vera and Joe Rogan mess up while filming a Subway “five dollar foot long” commercial… again.

Who’s a has been fighter claiming to be back to his old ways thats about to get his face smashed in a day or so?

Joe Rogan: “Our next fighter to be auctioned…Brandon “the Truth” Vera. Bids starting at one dolla …and a one and a one…I’ve got one…I’m looking for one fiddy….one fiddy…humina humina one fiddy….. I got one fiddy…….any more bids..going once..going twice..>SOLD! to the heft lady with the chinstrap beard for one fiddy…oh wait.. that is Jon Bones Jones’ momma!!

SNEAK PEAK OF “ZOOLANDER 2:” Worried that Derek is looking a little puffy and hungover, Billy Zane decides to take his close friend’s place in the upcoming “walk-off.”

Kojak is back from the dead and he’s gonna get to the bottom of this pants stealing business that has gone out of hand at the weigh-ins!

Vera “See Joe if I suck in my gut my little dick looks bigger, Up there you see Big Country knows what I am talking about!”
Joe “Yeah but all the ring girls are fucking throwing up man.. LOOK”

Rogan: “No, I want the red one with the CHOCOLATE glaze on it… yeah, with the sprinkles…”
Vera: posture straight…check, hips out… check “Joe, shut up, you’re taking the attention away from my package…”, smiling… check, not too cocky… check

Vera: “Full effort is full victory!”
Rogan: “Hey check out the cans on that bimbo…”

Vera: “All praise Allah, who will bring me to victory!”
Rogn: “Hey Dana, can you pass me my water. I don’t think I can talk anymore until I get rid of this cotton mouth.”

Joe: “Dude, like f**k’n clock work! Every single weigh-in Dana stares at the fighter’s junk through the f**k’n mirror!”

Brandon: “Like what you see dana? I told you, Pacquaio ain’t Packin like me! Shout out to my new training partner in the back. What’s good Lights Out?!”

The correct answer is 1 ladies and gentlemen, one tube sock stuffed in those tiny little panties.

Vera: “One more…I’ll drop one more weight class, then you’ll see who’s the best!”

Rogan: “He’s over there…Anderson-Something”

Brandon, likely pointing to Kerry or a fan. Joe Rogan, likely pointing at the 4 footer bong.

How sad, Vera just hasn’t had his hand raised in victory for so long that he’s started doing it on his own these days

And Poor Joe Rogan, on yet another 3 day binge of DMT and Muscle Milk, is still trying to convince the audience that there are tiny green goblins sitting in the 3rd row

Vera: Even my fans way up there heard my face break.
Joe: Yup, and now there goes your UFC career.

Extenze works for me?!

Vera points to his one last supporter. Rogan points towards a better alternative, Jones, the guy that fan should support.

…ha ha ah ha stayin alive stayin alive

Joe and Vera pointing at the direction in which they believe they saw Puff the Magic Dragon

Seen here; Vera pointing to his one remaining fan, Rogan directing that fan to the closest exit.

Brandon, the Thunder From Down Under auditions are being held in Vegas this year, about 800 miles THAT-A-WAY.

Most fans believe Brandon Vera’s tattoos hold religious significance, but the only thing The Truth does religiously is frequent his body waxer.

Brandon Vera and Joe Rogan solicit oil maidens from the crowd in homage to the late, great “Ravishing” Rick Rude.

Little is known about Michael Phelp’s sex change as Joe Rogan pleads to the crowd to stop pointing at Michael’s failed genitalia…wait…

“See mom, i told you i bought a speedo”

Two men pointing in three different directions.

“SOLD… to Strikeforce for $1! Cris Cyborg, watch out! The truth shall make you free!”

Pull my finger.

Rogan: Brandon look! It’s that fucking kid from the locker room I told you about!

Vera: “I want THE TRUTH!”

Rogan: “Ok….. YOU SUCK!”

Vera: “Did you order the code red??? Did you order the code red?!!”

Rogan: “YOU’RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DIIIIID!!!”

After just watching Der Untergang in his undies, Brandon shows Jon Jones his best Heil Hitler

Brandon Vera and Joe Rogan’s first and last day at the UFC cheer squad tryouts.

Joe Rogan is the world greatest wingman. You can almost hear him saying, “Yeah, Brandon, you take that one; I’ll hit the fat chick.”

Joe Rogan auctions off the UFC’s most eligible bachelor to the highest bidder.

The last photograph taken of Greg Louganis before he fatefully attempted the dive, fell short, and landed orbital first on the sharp edge of Bones’ elbow…

“Let me tell you something about these tattoos, okay. That is Buddhist, that is Nordic, that is Hindu, that’s just gibberish. They are completely conflicting ideologies, and that does not make you a citizen of the world, it makes you full of shit”

Never again would Dana White let Joe Rogan drive a fighter to the weigh-ins.

As it turns out, Vera should’ve spent more time training, and less time working on his Michael Phelps impersonation.

According to the Vera-Rogan dial, it’s about 12:15.

Next up on the high dive…

“To The Left To The Left, Everything You Own In A Box To The Left”.

@rex13 FTW! Nice one man, beat me to the punch!

Rogan uses Vera to catch his infamous hog watcher in the act. He then points him out in the crowd to publicly humiliate him for staring at Vera’s man meat. Vera felt flattered by the whole incident.

Actually Vera vs Rogan is probably a fair fight

I’m not reading 6 pages of this bullshit. I’m just going to assume that like the first page there is about 2 funny comments per page, the rest are unfunny to the point that they are painful to read, and 80% of them have something to do with an auction or a clock.

Rogan: “hey security please remove Jake Rossen from the media section, he don’t have credentials to be down here.

Vera: “well Loretta Hunt and TJ De Santis are sitting over there”

Sometimes “The Truth” hurts, but today “The Truth” got hurt and this was only the weigh-ins……

Vera joins Rogan in a poorly choreographed yet highly ironic rendition of “Stayin’ Alive”.

Yo Rogan look it’s Ben Fowlkes!
Rogan “who cares Ben Goldstein is over here!”

Rogan: Ladies and Gentlemen…please welcome to the stage…The Truth!!!

Vera: Is my music all queued up?! No, no not that song…it should be “Cherry Pie” by Warrant!

Vera reveals his new career as the local beach creeper. Rogan:”And there’s the end of The Truth’s career ladies and gentlemen, goodnight!”

Vera and Rogan take their Second Shooter routine, a vaudevillian take on the Kennedy assassination conspiracies, on the road.

Vera: ” oh hoho…I heard you up there…very funny..yes I know I’m wearing a speedo..and my opponent’s nickname is “bones”…I see where your going with this.”
Rogan: “Ok Brandon..the witty banter with the crowd is cute..but you need to get your grape-smuggling, primadonna ass off the stage now.”

At the UFC washout auction:

Brandon Vera, “I see you playing coy up there Coker.”

Joe Rogan,”Going once, going twice, SOLD; to the Blue Collar Brawlin’ Promotion.”

Brandon flaunts his swimmers build to the crowd while Joe Rogan agrees with the audience that sock stuffing is entirely appropriate for certain occasions.

One More Time, You Sure You Want to Be a F*cking Fighter?
You have to wear a speedo

Vera: “Shonie, you were right man, this shit really breathes! I really like the way the fabric…”
Rogan: “SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET OVER THERE”

Shortly after, Jon Jones reminded Brandon Vera why real men do not wear Speedos.

“3, 3, 3…. gimme 4, 4, 4, do i hear 4, 4, 4? Going once, going twice, sold! …. to the young Philippino boy stage left for $3.”

On Saturday, Joe Rogan presented a 30 minute arguement to the UFC governing body as to why the “12 to 6″ elbow strike should not be illegal. This included a detailed comparison between all of the other clock positions. Here we see Joe discussing the “12 to 3″ position with the help of his assistant, Brandon Vera.

“There he is!”

With Brandon Vera’s help, Joe Rogan catches the creepy kid from the locker room scoping out dudes again.

Or

Your partner’s camera is enabled
You disconnected. Searching for a new partner…

Proving once again Chatroulette is nothing but cocks.

Once again proving the Asian stereotype…

What do these two have in common besides pointing? They are both bald and think their jiu jitsu is alot better than it actually is.

Like Babe Ruth, Vera calls his shot. Joe frantically searches for a bat to give Vera before Vera decides to improvise… again.

What guys?!!! Black makes it look slimmer.

With the assistance of Joe Rogan, Brandon Vera frantically searches for a penis smaller than his.

Vera: I see you baby

Rogan: Shakin that ass..
Shakin that ass..

Vera: Look at the little tweety birds…………

Rogan: screw that, DID YOU SEE THE SIZE OF THAT CHICKEN!!

always the gentleman, Bas takes his jacket off before punching you in the liver

Rogan: “How many broken bones in the face? Your answer Brandon? ..And the survey says….”

Humpty Dumpty indicating how many pieces his head is currently in..
and Joe Rogan pointing to the man who will be the cause for all the king’s horses and all the king’s men not being able to put Humpty together again.

Rogan: Get back in there! You’re not done! There’s ice all over the floor! ..There’s 100 pieces of ice still on the floor and these guys just scrambled out because of the pressure.

Already well known for his ruthless backlash towards hecklers, Joe Rogan finally hears “He must have been in the pool” one too many times.

Vera: and i’m telling you, i’m not goin,
even though the rough times are showin,
im staying, im staying,
AND U, AND U, AND U, ur gonna love me..

Rogan: Don’t forget that guy..

why it’s grease lightning!

Which way to the bathroom?

Banana hammock: 45$
Egyptian hieroglyph tattoos: 500$
Newly polished cheeckbones: 15$
To see all of the above get smashed to pieces along with his facial structure?

..Priceless

3 o`clock people !Its weight-in time!

How many elbows does it take to make an ironic picture?

Joe and Brandon reenacted the Boondock Saints for several hours before finally remembering that it’s a pretty bad movie.

Rogan: hey bones! you know who got the fattest asses, and the best pussy? Midgets nigga!

Vera: shieeeeeeettttt! my wife is better, joe. what’s up baby? yeah….

In retrospect, Barrack decided that his first mistake was blazing with Joe Rogan. His second mistake was allowing Joe Rogan talk his stoned ass into letting him and Brandon Vera handle the State of the Union address.

At long last Vera let the world know what the move would be that topples “bones Jones.” It was Dim-mak the death touch, or just a mean wet willie, but you’ll have to watch the fight to know.

The tragic guessing game of where Vera’s missing pants are continues.

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson slimming down to play Mr. Lee in the newest, “Harold & Kumar” movie.

Rogan is simply helping Vera make the ‘L’ shape(for loser), because that’s the truth!

vera: I’m gonna be thiiiiiiis high after the fight!

rogan: quick, my bag of hallucinogenic pcp laced weed is over there! hook a brotha up!

Holy balls, I just got home from work and there is all ready 250+ responses on this one. I think I’ll pass.

My vote goes to @Rex13 !!! Gotta support the homeys!

Rogan points at Don Frye’s clean shaven face….Vera points and smiles at the crowd, not realizing that he is in fact wearing Don Frye’s mustache.

It only takes one elbow shot to destroy my face!

Vera: That Couture guy touched me !
Rogan: No you got molested by that guy (Jones)!

Rogan: Vera, you’re just a wannabe. if you look at that thing.. Jones is a real black man.

Rogan: ladies and gentlemen, the first olympic gold medalist in the UFC making his UFC debut! APOLO OHNO!!

*Ohno points randomly in the crowd so their attention isn’t all to his ‘asian’ side of his speedos.

After successfully completing a Buffer 360, Joe Rogan calls out Vera’s opponent — an unpaid mortgage and a wife who knows six ways to submit a man using his testicles.

As vera poses, Rogan spots the same creepy kid staring at his penis.

Vera: that guy stole my pants
Rogan: that guy kicked your a$$!

Vera: I wore this banana hammock for all my homosexuals in the top row

Rogan: Goldbergs got a boner!!!

Joe calls strike two as Vera calls his shot that he plans on hitting with his dong.

Both men attempted to distract the other with the age-old “Look over there” trick. Unfortunately, their plans backfired and they both ended up distracting themselves.

Believe it or not, both of these men are pointing at James Toney’s delusion, which easily spanned the length of the venue.

Despite their best efforts, Brandon Vera and Joe Rogan still both couldn’t accurately measure the size of Tito Ortiz’s skull.

the truth is he cant hit a home run with that wood!!

Rogan: “Accepting offers for a special night on the town with BRANDON VERA! Any offers ladies? any at all? really? seriously… anything. Alright, sold to the lady in the front for a nickel you found on the floor.”

Vera: “A new personal best! Back to my former self! Sky is the limit, baby!”

Now, you look out for that left elbow!

The one over there?

No No Noooooo.

Look Brandon the Truth is over there!

No Rogan its over here, i know what the Truth looks like!

BOOM HEADSHOT

Look, Dana! I can see my seat for the next UFC from here!

In the year 2012 Brandon Vera finally found true happiness . Being the first guest on “Joe Rogan’s : Hog watchers Live” Brandon knew that all of his childhood dreams had indeed come true.

This picture isn’t funny.

Despite their efforts, the recreation of Chaim Zins’ “The Supernatural” was a complete failure.

Nice, bro, but you ever try pointing at the sky… on weeeeed?

L is for “Length” as in “The length of your weigh-in shorts should not by any means be under 3 inches.”

Starting off tonight’s auction we have this fine young man with fine bone structure and delicate cheek bones, shall we start the bidding at five dollars?

Vera “Theres been a lot of talk about death in the octogan latley, Up there is where the warriors…Rogan “THERES STILL ICE ON THE FLOOR!!!! Its right there!!”

In an impressive display of teamwork and a unique use of positioning, Joe and Brandon simultaneously point out the direction the fight ending blow will come from

brandon, from one to ten, how much pain will your right eye be in after the fight?

Later the next day, Vera showed us another patented Lloyd Earvin Money Move, the “Cab Fare Out of the Spotlight”

reddemon3 Says:
Mon, 03/22/2010 – 17:35

Cecils__Pupil’s 2nd comment is biting off Provrorsbarn. =)
Provrorsbarn comment made me LOL.

Honestly wasn’t biting. My first comment was 13:40 my second was 13:48 – that whole time I was tryin’ to think of something clever. Yes, it took me that long. His comment was 13:43. Also, it’s not like the concept of finger and dick size is a huge stretch of the imagination.

When I say OVER you say RATED!

OVER!

RATED!

OVER!

RATED!

Brandon Vera: ‘Gonna have a shitty day at work today people’
Joe Rogan: ‘Shitty day at work dudes are that way Brandon>>>’

And for their next Song, The Village people will Preform “Macho Man”.

Following a string of recent losses, Brandon Vera vowed to start over at square one – wardrobe included.

Few fans realize that Brandon Vera is one of the leading art connoisseurs in MMA. Here he attempts to replicate Michaelangelo’s Creation of Adam while dressed as his Statue of David.

Vera: Ratemypoo.com Rogan:Shitty Day

Rogan: say whatever you want son. i’m betting on that guy

Without hesitation, Rogan moves in to complete the two-man, free standting ‘L’ formation… For loser. Obviously.

Speedo: $30
Tribal tats: $800
Facial Reconstruction: $3,000
That smirk being wiped off “The Truth’s” face: Priceless

For s’s and g’s Joe gets a kick out of MC’ing bachelor auctions sometimes. Plus, Colorado’s comedy scene is always asking for too many “getting high” puns. Joe’s above that.

Don’t point to the stars. Joe Rogan thinks the other guy is better anyway…

And this is the last known picture of Brandon Vera where the right side of his face isn’t mangled

American Apparel to replace Tapout as event sponsor. No word on whether Arianny and Chandella will be coaches on “TUF 13: Do you want to be a ****ing model?!”.

vera: Goodnight Colorado, you’ve been a great crowd. Can someone bring the car around?
rogan: uh, Brandon, the subway is down there. Good luck, and boxers might be a better strategy/wardrobe move.

Nobody quite understood exactly why Brandon Vera wore a cup to the weigh-ins.
As pictured above… Moments before Joe Roagans wallet went missing.

Joe: “Tell the Truth! Who wants to do a body shot?”
Brandon: “Yo Snookie! Come on down!”

There was Confusion at the Weigh-ins Today, when a guest said “Theres no Toilet Paper in the Bathroom, Where can i find something to wipe my Ass with?”

Cecils__Pupil’s 2nd comment is biting off Provrorsbarn. =)
Provrorsbarn comment made me LOL.

Wonder Twins Activate, Form the Shape of L for Loser.

Definitely, the poster of “Xmen 5 : What The Fuck ?” is intriguing, featuring Professor X without his heelchair but in a G string facing a wolverine on drugs in a hip hop battle.
Can’t wait for the trailer…

Brandon Vera points and smiles to his single fan in attendance. While Joe Rogan searches for the person smoking the joint.

“My name’s the Truuth
I got a pimped out gucci swimsuuit
I won’t have a jooob
But I’ll stay shaaarp
Kerry will pay the rennt
Cuz all my money’ll be spent
On fixing my faaace
lada dadaaaa dadaaa dadaaaaa”

While Vera was pointing to his fans, Rogan was pointing out that Jones was going to plow Vera’s wifey

What comes after the letter “L”?….. BOW!!!!

Vera: The Truth is #1.
Rogan: The truth is that man over there will slam you at will and punish you with elbows.

Interestingly enough, Joe and Brandon thought they saw the easter bunny at the exact same moment

JR-” Mike, touch my California wraps again and i’ll choke your pudgy ass out again or get Vera to sleep with you!”

Vera thanks his new sponsor Calvin Klein

brandon indicates the length of his penis in inches, joe indicates a place for him to put it(not pictured Stephan Bonar)

Passes to a MMA weigh-in $50 online
A chance to see if your favorite fighter is circumcised…Priceless

Both men try in vain to divert the publics eyes away from Brandon’s junk, however their efforts are in vain as everyone in America wants to see the Truth (his penis).

Joe and brandon point out the people in the crowd that Vera might actually beat in an MMA match

Vera: Damn right I have a bigger penis than Jones!!
Rogan: Umm Im actually about to touch the tip of Mr Jones penis and im not even close to him…

Vera show’s off his Stink-finger
or
Joe and Brandon point out the reporters they would most like to Prison rape
or
The biggest loser celebrity edition champ thanks everyone for helping him lose all that weight.

Rogan: $250 from the lady in purple to put his clothes back on!
Vera: I like the $5 from the gentleman in the tuxedo shirt for me to take it all off!

Vera is the minute hand, while Rogan is the hour hand

Rogan “Get That Cock gazer out of here!”

Vera “Hey Is that Scott Coker! Hey Scott I may need your contact info after tomorrow!”

Rogan – Did Vera just drop his pants…NOW it’s a party!
Vera – PBR me!

hey joe did you here japan joined the space race? Yup theres a little nip in the air!

“To obscurity, and beyond!!!!”

oh man Brandon cover up the cock gazer is seated right over there by Seth Petruzelli

Gay porn is number one!!!

“Ok, now just try to imagine that everyone else is in their underwear about to get their face broken on national TV, and Joe Rogan is pointing out the guy that’s gonna do it.”

Vera, in an effort to break into the male modeling industry, used his weigh ins as an audition to the world. He proudly points to is modeling coach Ashton Kutcher.

Vera – “Not now chief, Im in the fucking zone.”
Rogan – “Me too, I’m so high I can’t take my eyes off Dana’s turkey club over there!”

E.T phone home

Oral- B: protects your teeth better then a mouth guard.

Dana White announces the official UFC crossing guards.

Joe and Vera sing Karaoke at the after ours party. They picked “Staying Alive”. Maybe Phish’s “Punch You In The Eye” would have been a more suitable song.

Vera: I love you long time for 1 dolla! make you holla!
Rogan: I see we have a taker, Mr. Irvin claim your prize, and Vera, watch his eyes…he’s sensitive.

Vera: Look its a bird no its a plane no its Sup…..
Rogan: (butts in and says) Its Jon Jones.

Vera declares he will bring back his old self. Rogan proceeds to point out the wheelchair section.

Brandon Vera’s sexual fantasies include Joe Rogan, Speedos, and winning a fight over a decent opponent.

Vin Diesel after staph

As a tribute to the legendary Babe Ruth, Brandon believes his career after this fight will be as far from the UFC as possible

Vera and Joe Rogan do their best Bones Jones snitching impersonation.

Im coming to take your title’s too, Michael Phelps! but first i need to go throw my career in jeopordy!!!!!

Vera: Don’t believe the hype, just believe what you see!

Rogan: Yea yea, that’s enough Brandon, trust me, the hype is long over, just go sit over there.

Krillin gives his final finger-in-the-air pose, exposing his vagina shaped armpit, before being knocked out to the sound of Mike Goldberg’s “IT IS AAAAALL OVER!!!…WOW”

michael phelps eat your heart out

Look! Its a bird, no its a plane, no its jon jones elbow about to cave my face in

Dont worry Vera, I think the crowd already knows you have 1 inch

Brandon Vera points out the shooting star he put his hopes on. Joe Rogan points out the TRUTH.

Vera – “That’s right, who here is a professional manscaper?” “Can I get a witness”
Rogan – “Okay, that’s it I’m done with this jackass! You, over there get up here and and waste this dude.”

Vera : I’m going straight to the top!
Rogan: Take a seat. Why don’t you have a seat over there?

Rogan: Dude, why does the bottom of your rib cage look like James Irvin’s cheekbones? Oh shit there’s the hogwatcher!

Joe Rogan tries to redirect attention while Brandon Vera makes celibratory gestures after suckering Rogan into making a “fist pose” in public

Vera is pointing out the starting point of his next victory….a 12-6 elbow to the face from Jones.

Bas just hasn’t been the same since the operation

Rogan: And here is Brandon “The Truth” VERAAAA!!! Looking marvelous in his black satin banana hammock, made by Jaco. Let’s see what his opponent Johnny “Bones” Jones will be wearing for tomorrow’s show!

Brandon Vera acknowledging the one fan that pointed out that while Vera may not be the favorite to win against Jon Jones, “The Truth” is that he still has the winningest smile in all of MMA

I coming to see you momma.

Which is better than my Evan Tanner I am on my way baby. Comment. Too soon?

brandon vera pointing towards the direction on how overrated he has become, while joe rogan points towards the direction of his ‘legacy’

Brandon: See that Joe? This is where my career was at in 2006!
Joe: Yeah, but now it’s over there. In the corner. And it looks…well…you know, at least you still have a hot wife, Brandon.

Your getting a car! Annnd your getting a car! and you! and you!

This is how many fights I have left before I get cut

“It only takes ONE elbow to beat me. Call it a day baby, get my check…”

Hi mom! Thanks for washing my speedo’s… good lookin’ out!

Shaved head, speedo, since fighting isn’t quite working at least he can still enter the 500 meter butterfly.

Vera: “I’m going to be number one!”

Rogan: “Good luck with that ’cause my money is on this guy over here…”

someone grab his rib before it gets away!

Joe Rogen-”Holy Sh*t Look out Vera Hog Watch Boy is coming.
Brandon Vera- “why did I wear a spedo I knew he’d be following Joe around”

Next on Fear Factor the contestants have to play what’s in my speedo

Delirium and confusion are only two consequences of severe weight cutting.

The scale to weigh your junk is over there. We need to make sure you and Jones are in the same weight class. Not sure why you’re in such a rush to get your pants off, the circus already left town and the one-eyed monster joke is getting old.

Dana White To Brandon…Brandon, you my good sir, are a complete wash out and we no longer need your services as a fighter.

Brandon: sniff sniff

Dana W.: However to cover for your ridiculously f#cking stupid contract we will need to “auction” you to the highest bidder along with Gabe Gonzaga,Paul Buentello & James Irvin(thinking-”I doubt I will get anything with those poor (sh it face) cheeks but what the hell”) . oh yeah and we kindly ask that you wear your black undies to the auction you know why.. Capiche?(that’s Italian for comprende?)…

Brandon:(tears rolling down) But he elbowed my face!! and it was hurting!!

Dana W.: Yeah, we don’t care… You wanted to be a F#cking fighter?

Brandon: Well I wanted to quit either way because MTV offered me a reality show, I’m not saying what type of show but there will be a lot of GTL involved..

Dana W.: Well fcuk MTV, and Fcuk strikeforce and Scott C, and $kala too!!

this is the fruit of this conversation!!!^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Joe: Hey Brandon, you know you can purchase some fine Tokyo Five clothing right over there.

Brandon: I thought I saw some over there.

Joe: It’s there too. Tokyo Five clothing is available wherever fine MMA gear is sold.

I think UFC the musical would have been better if they had casted Roy Nelson in the starring role.

“Point if you’re no longer relevant.”

Vera- “Joe I was able to see that huge-ass vein forehead from way over there.”

Joe- “Get on the scale shit for brains.”

Knowing that he has no chance of winning the fight with actual skill, Brandon practices his eye poke skills.

“Hey honey, this is how many fights I have left till we have to rely on you winning fights to pay the mortgage”

Knowing that he has no chance of winning the fight with skill, Brandon practices his eye poke skills.

Seeing Brandon in a Man-kini makes me want to get hit so hard in the face with an elbow that I can no longer see…

Just one day before his defeat by Jon Jones, Vera was humiliated by Joe Rogan during a game of “I Spy.”

“Strikeforce is that way!!!”

There’s Waldo!

Vera- “Is the scale this way?”
Joe- “Nope over there, near arianny’s poon.”
Vera- (BIG SMILE)

Vera and Rogan team up to show us the next letter we’ll see on Vera’s record.

The faux-pas of ripping off Michael Phelps AND Babe Ruth in one pose was totally deserving of a coconut crunch elbow of doom.

As he stepped onto the scale, amidst the forced smile and the evaporating self confidence, Brandon Vera was elated to see visions of brutal strikes and broken orbital bones in his future. If only he knew “The Truth” in these omens…

Y.M.C.A!.. its fun to stay at the Y…

If there’s one thing Harley Davidson supports, it’s shirtless young men with shaved chests.

Vera- “Look joe, no pants.”
Joe- “Yeah but, wheres my fucking weed dummy!”

Brandon Vera & Joe Rogan can’t agree on The Truth’s career trajectory.

My orbital bone is going to get launched way over there later!!!

“YOU CANT HANDLE ‘THE TRUTH!’”
“yeah…you…..top row”

Brandon Vera and Joe Rogan point to their modesty and objectivity, both of which remained a good distance away.

Brandon Vera showing off his new Power Balance bracelet…
Brandon… It doesn’t work!!!! I can’t believe you were depending on it to win.

You know what they say about pointing, “For every finger you point, three more point back at the naked Filipino dude.”

Classic one upper: Jones see this, then goes for the double arm twirl. And donkey punches a security peon, ya know, to really drive the point home.

You’re really not dancing to a Village People song unless your shirt comes off in the process. Y-M-C-A!!!

Both Vera and Rogan agree on ‘The Truth’s’ strike total for the upcoming fight. Sadly both guesses were higher than the end result.

“Ha, look at that dumbass on the big screen. Tight speedos and no dick.”

speedo, the official undergarment of potato smugglers world wide.

Team Rogan-Vera took a disappointing 5th at this year’s synchronized pointing contest. Things got off to a terrible start when the suitcase containing the duo’s costume was lost at Denver International Airport.

In an increasingly awkward game of “Simon Says”, Joe Rogan catches Dana pointing North instead of South.

Varying pre-fight predictions:

Vera-Top of the world, ma.

Rogan-Down and to the left.

They screwed up the reenactment of the Sistine Chapel.

No, No Brandon the pool is that way! How hard did he hit you again?

It’s been over 20 years but this photo still reminds me of Greg Louganis. Say what you will about the man, but he left an indelible mark on the sporting world.

Vera is following Warmachine’s footsteps. He was actually promoting his new movie “In Dianna Jones and the Temple of Poon”.

dwayne “the rock” johnson starring in a new movie based on a true story of olympic gold medalist, micheal phelps.

Quick, pretend you’re blocking an elbow shot. Go!

A young cartoon boy in the crowd asks vera how many licks it takes to get to the soft gooey center of a skull.

Then a cartoon owl with a lollipop asks Rogan from who? who? (get it? it’s a fucking owl.)

Well Brandon, I’ve never done bong rips with a Filipino in a banana hammock, but you know what they say, “What happens in Broomfield, stays in Broomfield.” Which way to Guida’s RV?

Rogan: Representing Greg Louganis MMA Brandon Vera Everyone!!!

As Vera calls out top 5 competition, Rogan quickly asks for security to take this crazy person off the stage.

Harley Davidson can’t be happy about this.

Here you can see Rogan and Vera playing a game of “Guess where bits of my face will end up!”

Or how about:

“…And this douchebag is the reason I did horrible in my pools this week”

When did Nicole Ritchie’s hair fall out?

What time is it? It’s 3 o’clock and 25 seconds.

Vera “Haters to the right”
Rogan “Ladies to the Left”

The UFC’s inaugural bachelor auction took a turn for the bizarre when Brandon Vera stripped down to his skivvies in an attempt to one-up Roy Nelson’s exposed breasts.

This picture was taken seconds after Dana White told everyone to point to a real fuckin’ fighter.

Joe Rogan, “His is bigger.”

Unfortunately Vera’s “After” photo will not get as much sympathy as Pulver’s, but the “Before” looks pretty good.

Brandon Vera sallutes the crowd after listening to Joe Rogan explain that Vera is a Grower not a Show’r ladies and gentlemen

I’m not sure what’s worse: Brandon Vera VS Joe Rogan, Bud Light VS Harley Davidson or Speedo VS Tapout

Yes, his Babe Ruth impression is corny, but at least it’s not as creepy as his Edvard Munch Scream impression.

Joe Rogan found Brandon Vera’s choice to signal for the triple lendy a bit curious after he revealed he didn’t care how his fight against Jon Jones turned out this weekend– as first thing Monday morning he would announce he’d concentrate on his real love: synchronized diving.

The Truth is… I just farted.

“FUCKIN YAYGA-BOMBS.”

Vera: “One pound under! Who’s feelin’ the banana hammick?”
Rogan:”He is Brandon, that’s the kid who keeps staring at my hog in the locker room, over there, he’s got that look on his face again”

Vera’s body is about all he has got going for him after Jones destroyed his face and credibility.

Brandon unknowingly gives his last regular smile, before having his face reconstructed by an elbow.

“Hey, there’s my boy James Irvin! James, save me some ice…and ask Guida if we can get a ride in his RV!”

Weigh-ins is like Chatroulette. You will always see a guy without a shirt and a dick.

The UFC talking wall clock says, “three o’clock, bitches.”

Hey!! When did that dude get out of that wheelchair, and quit as the boss of the Xmen?

Journalist: “You seem to have a great attitude going into this fight, do you anticipate getting your face broken and if so, from what direction will the Bones Jones elbow be coming from?”

Vera: “Uhm, yes on the broken face question but it’ll come via illegal elbow from somewhere up there, hence my joy”

Rogan: “No, it’ll come from over there, Bones Jones doesn’t make the same mistake twice.”

Rogan: “Is there anyone in the crowd Brandon Vera can beat in a fight? Anyone at all?”
Vera: “Is that…yep, Stephan Bonnar, right up there!”

Babe Ruth celebrated his called shot by eating a finely marbled steak in the company of a couple of busty broads. Brandon Vera celebrated his called shot by drinking steak mush through a straw surrounded by Colorado’s finest facial surgeons.

Someone call customs! Another fighter is trying to smuggle a small banana & grapes into the UFC.

Vera raises his finger, on which he plans to wear the ring of Mighty Hercules, vanquishing his foe with power, skill, and authority. He is confident, even aloof. His Black Trunks of Despair foreshadow, in his mind, the darkness of his opponent’s soul after defeat.

Rogan, ignoring fables and myth, points out the fella who’ll break Vera’s face apart in seventeen hours. Reality, FTW!

Brandon: “Look at all these mens up there”
Joe: “The gay section is over there”

A great example of point-counterpoint.

Joe is calling over the guy who stares at his penis to gaze at Brandons

Vera: “All my nuthuggers went that way and they took my pants with them”

El Guapo Says there are 5 Principles
1. Brainstorm
2. Sanitize
3. Prepare
4. Execute
5. Everything in the kitchen is a weapon

I like it so fresh I want to take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant.

Hey Joe, Simon said, “put the bong down and raise your other right hand”

Opening scene from Brandon’s new movie ‘Diary of a Wimpy Kid’.

Brandon Vera came straight from the swimming portion of the Colorado triathalon, just in time to make the weigh in.

Hey Brandon, where’d you get the sweet leg tattoo and banana hammock? Over there?

No, over there.

Vera basks in the glory of finally achieving #1 status … on John Jones’s highlight reel. Go Vra!!!

World’s worst shadow puppet routine, ever!

Vera baskes in the glory of finally achieving #1 status … on John Jones’s highlight reel. Go Vra!!!

Vera baskes in the glory of finally achieving #1 status … on John Jones’s highlight reel. Go Vera!!!

The WORST BJ Penn impression I have ever seen!!!!

Joe Rogan introduces Bas Ruttens and Ariannys son.

Brandon Vera would rather go naked than wear Tapout.

Yes, to the gentleman in the back…..I wear the speedo to show why I talk like a black man.

hey look its my former self quick somebody help me get him back

Joe Rogan and Brandon Vera demonstrate the difference between a weather vane and a wind sock.

It’s nice to know that Brandon has found a new career as an on-stage prop for Joe Rogan’s Comedy Tour “Pull My Finger”.

“thats where i’m gonna be sitting next ufc event.”

Joe Rogan feverishly tries to get a production assistants attention, so they can retrieve a sharpie from his “European Shoulder Bag.” Joe has sent countless fan letters and left a ticket at will call for the last 5 years…he simply can not believe that Billy Zane actually showed up.

I wish I would get that excited whenever I was in my underwear.

Gimmee a gadang t-shirt, gadang it!

Rogan: “Sold!!! You sir are the winner of our Night on the Town with Vera for $100!!

Vera: “I’m gonna rock your world”

(Rob Schneider off stage): “You can do it all night looooong!”

That’s 250, do I hear 300…300 thanks Master Lloyd.

Okay, do I have 1 dolla 1 dolla 1 dollaarrrr?
going once, going twice…..
ONE Dollar! I have One dollar. SOLD! to the lady in the back.

Rogan: Hah! Caught him looking! 2 for flinching! Its only gay if you make eye contact!

“Can somebody please get the Asian guy from Hot Rod off the stage?”

Joe Rogan: “Put your pants on Brandon, here comes Fatty Hogwatcher!”

or

as hard as Rogan and Vera tried, they weren’t gonna get 10,000 people to fall for the “hey, what’s that over there?” technique at the same time.

Brandon was all smiles until Rogan noticed the “Hog Watcher” off to the side staring intensely at Vera’s tightly wrapped package.

“Jaegerbombs, Jaegerbombs, Jaegerbombs…”

Rogan: A night with Brandon Vera… going once…
Vera: I think we have a bidder in the back.
Bones: Nah. Not a bid. I’ll just rape you for free later.

BENDY STRAWS! WHO WANTS BENDY STRAWS?

“To the window!!! To the wall!” Never before has the words of Lil Jon so aptly described an individual’s career trajectory.

Rogan: “Brandon, please give the ladies an idea of the size of your penis using only hand gestures…”

Brandon vera throwing a fight everybody!!! i got $550 from the older gentleman up front.

edit nevermind he broke his face…

Fuck you Carlos Mencia!!!!!

Joe Rogan:”Damnit Brandon, I said ‘The Truth’, not Babe Ruth….now go sit in the corner”

Anticipating an epic 4:20, Joe checks the time with his pal Eddie on the eve of Michael Phelps UFC debut.

In a stunning turn of events, Brandon Vera Babe Ruth’s Jon Jones’ next shot, pointing out how far his brains will travel post elbows.

“Way over there son!”

“Brandon you just lost another fight in the UFC and broke your face, what are your plans now?”

“I’m going to the Jersey Shore Joe!”

After “The Truth” turned out not be the best nickname for him at this point in his career Vera needed a change. Finally the world was ready for “The Plum Smuggler”.

I’m going to delay the launch of Jone Jones…for One round….Okay maybe 3 minutes. Truth.

Rogan: “Look, thats where your going to get your face bashed in tomorrow night!”

Vera: “Yah and there’s where I’ll watch the next weigh-ins…”

Brandon Vera, lost in the moment, trying to figure out if he can leg kick Rogan with his dick.

“Look!! my finger is bigger then my dick”

The UFC attempts to break Mickey Mouse’s strangehold on the novelty wrist watch market.

Look, up there in the last row, that’s where I dropped my career.

Vera: E.T. phone home, bitches!
Rogan: I knew it! Jones come here! Fuck his orbital bone up that’s the only way to kill these fuckin’ spacemen!
Rogan: Of course I’m sure, me and Eddie have developed all kinds of techniques incase earth is invaded by these fuckers!

And here we see Joe Rogan and Brandon Vera at UFC’s quarterly fight roster clean-up auction.

Rogan: “YES!… we finally have a bid of one dollar from the gentleman representing Strikeforce in the front row. One dollar… Going once. Going Twice. SOLD to Strikeforce for one dollar”.

And that’s The Truth ladies and gentlemen.

Vera calls his shot, then gets knocked out of the park.

We want to go to the Y! M! C! A!

Vera – “It goes from the tip of Rogan’s finger to righttt…abouuuuttt…hhhere. Since i can’t fight well anymore, Joe will tell you about it to save my ego…”

Joan Rogan and Brendan Vera take a moment to teach the fans how to tell time. “When the big hand points to the 3 and the little hand points to the 12, it’s 12:15!”

Joe: “Ok, now let’s bring out the REAL Techno Viking for a dance off!”

I WAS IN THE POOL!

And SOLD! To the fine young gentleman in the third row. Yes, you sir, with the shark tooth necklace and ed hardy t-shirt.

Vera: “Look the midget ran over there!”
Rogan: “Dude his brother is humping bruce buffers leg!”

rogan says “phelps my weed is over there”

Michael Phelps makes his MMA debut

One illegal blow for all my fans!

Ebay’s first live auction for filipino mail order brides

Quick! Everyone point to Brandon’s career trajectory!

Brandon thinks he’s pointing at his near future, Joe Rogan corrects him by pointing out Jon Jones elbows

As Vera acknowledges his wife starting the bidding at $500, Joe Rogan works the crowd in an effort to recoup some of the UFC’s investment in “The Truth”.

…in his freetime, our bachelor enjoys Meg Ryan movies, taking in Asian cooking classes, and competing in mixed martial arts karate matches. We’ll start the bidding for an evening with Brandon at $45. Ladies, do I have any takers?

Vera: “I’m going to the top!!”

Rogan: “Ok little man, go sit over there now.”

Using this photo as evidence, it is clear that only losers wear speedo.