Oct. 24th Study Shows Sense of Style Directly Correlated with Fighting Ability, Scientists Say

Say hello to my secret weapon: cornerman Ronnie James Dio!

“Don’t concentrate on the head or you will miss all that heavenly glory.”

still quite unfamiliar with western culture Lyoto failed to realize that you need to take you pants off for the goat to be successful.

Anderson quick get your lighter i cant hold it in much longer

“You win. That was the biggest fart I’ve heard in my entire life”

“In honor of Bruce Lee, I shall use Jeet Kune Do to overcome Machida karate. To prepare, I have left Chute Boxe Academy and started a new camp. Please meet the team that will help me to defeat you: hxxp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dS9_7owef8w.”

May I have this dance?

“I got you you bastard lets see ya try to hop around now”

“choose the sword and you fight me, choose the ball and you join my mother in the casinos.”

This is what “I’m never washing this hand again” looks like on a grown man.

Blowers cramp… Get it?

Title fight in the UFC: $100,000

Bad Boy logo on your t-shirt: 10,000

Disguising your “give him syphillis” gameplan as a 3 cow wife and having him buy it… Priceless.

There are some things money can’t buy, for everything else there’s Mixed Martial Arts.

This guy drinks his own what?! Oh, pee? I thought you said something else.

Upon closer inspection, Lyoto realized he was wearing loafers.

Shogun: hahaha good one sweet heart, that was a total facial.

Machida: GOD DAMNIT SHOGUN! Did Dana White put you up to this hand buzzer prank.

Shogun: he he he, I am so fucking smooth.

*

Dodge the right, counter with a left.
Dodge the left, counter with a right.
Dodge his line of sight, counter with a formal gesture of greeting.
…untouchable!

It was apparent at the presser that Lyoto’s new “Eat Shit” Diet was not agreeing with him.

I live two counties away from a DVD player. Can make the drive if I have to.

Trip to Mens Warehouse- $199

Little boys Haircut $11

Opponent that prolly doesn’t deserve a title shot but has a good enough name to make you look like god himself come fight-night….Priceless

“Mauricio! I drink your urine straight from source!”

LR: What size is this jacket? I want to get it in plaid.

Shogun: Why didn’t you tell me?
lyoto: Tell what?
Shogun: That you knew karate.
lyoto: You not ask.
shogun: Well, where’d you learn it?
lyoto: Father.
Shogun: But I thought he was a Engineer built briges or something.
Lyoto: In Salvador, all lyoto know two things: bridges and karate.

I am piss!
And you are piss!
And caves are piss!
The sky is piss!
And lights are piss!
And cars are piss!
And books are piss!
And every single thing in the universe is piss!

Plannet Piss!
Plannet Piss.

The plannet’s piss!
And everything-
And everything-
And everything is piss!
And every single thing in the universe is piss!

Piss
IS PISS!
PLANET PISS!
Plannet Piss.

It was a bad time for the Machida Era. he wasn’t scared of the Shogun but the Shogun was scared of him maybe that was the problem.

shogun sent a hooker spy to his house, she was supposed to steal Lyotos pee, that was the day everything changed. forever.

“Pleased to meet you…Hope you guess my name.

But what’s puzzling you is the nature of my game. Woo-hoo.”

“thank you I will take her and show her the way of the samurai.”

Shogun: See, how he buckles under the strength of the Shogun. Shogun!
Woman: You forgot to put a quarter in the slot.
Woman puts coin in slot. Shogun puts poop in pants.

Take a good look, because this is the only time you’ll see the back of my head and I won’t be doing a spinning backfist.

Possible side effects of urine therapy: vomiting, itching, fever, soreness in the body, and extreme humility.

please, we’d like a seat near the back if that’s…oh, you don’t work here? my apologies, but i’m gonna need that ten spot back if you don’t mind.

lyoto machida, setting up the old Anderson Silva humble pie handshake followed by a swift punch to the face, Mauricio never even saw it coming

Girl in background: “Is Machida the baddest?” Crowd: “Sho’nuff!”
“Is he the meanest?” “Sho’nuff!”
“Is he gonna whup shogun’s ass?” “Sho’nuff”

Although both men come from Brazil, Machida speaks an elusive form of Portuguese that requires its own translator.

Lyoto bowed with respect, knowing that his opponent had bested him with his only known weakness: a joy buzzer.

“Oh, I seem to have caused a puddle. It happens occasionally when you piss piss.”

“Ha! Try to evade me with your karate when I refuse to let go of your hand!”

“The hands aren’t as big as I expected, and we’ll have to get another outfit. Nonetheless, it is a fine specimen overall.

Have it stuffed and mounted.”

Shogun thinks to himself, “Please, please, oh I hope he washed his hand after he drank his urine this morning…. fake smile, cameras…. He’s still touuuuuching me.” *speaks through his smile* “Diann, make him stop!!”

Lyoto thinks to himself, “hehehe, I wonder if he knows I use my right hand to shank it after I fill my cup.”

” befriend your enemies “

remember lyoto the “bad boy” eyes are always watching even if im on the canvas!!! just ask damiean maia

She’s disgusted by Lyoto’s urine breath.

Lyoto: Is this how far you had to bend over to get this title shot?
Shogun: (laughs)…a little lower

Hey… Shogun… don’t look now, but I think i see CAPS LOCK HAL.

Shogun: Im going to drink the piss out of you

and El Famous Burrito, you`re like zero for thirty, give it up

Edith: “Damn you, Lyoto. I thought you said drinking urine was supposed to make me look YOUNGER!”

“Heyyyy! Shogun! Good to see you ag…..hey is that pee on the ground?”

After Edith was fired from the UFC, she let her looks go and was reduced to watersport videos with Machida.

Or

Shogun “Deal. The loser calls Brock Lesnar a homo.”

Or

Chick- “Ewww look at those lice. Sombody get Clay Guida the fuck out of here!”

In keeping with deep-rooted Samurai warrior tradition, Lyoto clasped Mauricio’s right hand with both of his own, bowed deeply, and squeezed out one violently stentorian fart that shook the very core of Shogun’s soul.

Lyoto: “I don’t think we’re doing it right…”

(Hint: img136.imageshack.us/img136/3913/91279953.jpg)

So do you like my new shoes? The “L” stands for Lugz but I tell everyone its for “Lyoto”!

“Oh, look! A lucky penny!”

Rua knew that the “your shoes are untied” gag was his only chance of beating Machida.

“I am sorry for bending over. Sometimes the urine smoothies give me terrible cramps.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you…and your mother.”

“Thank you for complimenting me. I agree that pinstripes are very slimming.”

“Look down there! It’s the midget from the last caption contest!”

“I appreciate you offering me the world’s oldest prostitute, but I’m afraid I must still kick your ass.”

“Oops, I dropped my copy of the Book of Five Rings.”

Embarrassed over the misunderstanding, Machida was unable to look his opponent in the eye. Still, he was certain that the invitation had stated formal attire.

Bad Boy sponsored Rua. Al Capone sponsored Machida.

To avoid a scene, Machida whispered to Rua, “What is Jenna doing on the stage?”

Shogun: bow your head in shame for what your about to do…..now, get on your knees…yea you know what to do. What’s up girl? You want a little Machida Bobble Head action too? unhhhh get some!

Girl: *disgusted, yet satisfied face*

thank god im fighting someone brazilian, what say after im done removing your nuts through your mouth we eat steak, wear speedos and pronounce our Rs with H sounds

Machida is just informing Shogun that on Saturday night he is to bend over like this prior to his ass raping, and to grasp his cock firmly with both hands.

Your lifeline seems to terminate right around midnight, October the 24th. Also, your beloved bicycle is at The Alamo, in the basement.

So whatta you think..? Would Rogaine help? Or is it too late to grow back my bald spot..?

@winklepicker lol thats a good one man

“I know your japanese and all but it”s just a nickname dude chill out.”

Lyoto Machida : “Thank you for a sample of your fine tasting urine, my immune system is surely running stronger!”.

Shogun: “No worries, I’ve giving my manly juices to many guys”

Random girl: “I told you he was gay…!”

Shogun: “Huh, Huh, funny little man. Me make you go thump.”
Random Woman in background: (SCREAM) “I’ll choke the chinaman with his tie Sho-nuf”
Machida: “I will respect you as I feed you my foot and eat your soul to replenish my strength.”
We arreee the lasssttt draagggon, dragon, dragon…

CB

“Just by looking here at the lines on your hand I see an embarrasing defeat in your future”

You so not deserve a shot at me good sir, but nevertheless I will bow and make a good pic… Oh hey what’s this, you got one of those urine dispensing baristas with you at all times too?? That’s so cool!!

Uhm.. No she’s my gynocologist since I’ve uhm.. that crazy guy Mayhem told me he showed you the vaginahead-move.. and I have no idea why I just admitted that but let’s just laugh it off, what do you say? He-heh… heh.. oh forget it I’m so screwed..

Shogun could only laugh as Lyoto introduced himself as Bruce Leeroy.

“Sho Nuff”

Seriously, if you’re that worried about your breath stop drinking your own piss yea?

Rockologist

Hilarioulsy weird, man. Awesome.

So THIS is the hand I will dodge during the fight. Thanks for the heads up!

Only after closer inspection could Lyoto know for sure that this was the hand that was rubbing his thigh while he slept on the plane.

Lady — Machida, you are suppose to hold my hand, not Rua’s. What is wrong with you. Please hold my hand, I am very lonely here without Dana White.

“You don’t deserve the title fight. But thank you for letting me kick your ass and finally eating some awesome white rice that your wife will cook for me. Thank you again for letting me do that.”

“Fight him for a handjob? Throw a pitcher of pee on top of it, and you’ve got a deal”

Now you’ve seen what happens when you pull the finger, see what happes when you pull the whole hand…

Hold on a sec… these bright lights are making me parched

Well, you seem like a nice guy and all… but I’m still going to hit you so hard the eyes on that shirt will roll back into your head.

We are all witnessing the only time Shogun will touch Lyoto.

Bruce Lee Spins so Hard in Grave He Accidentally Defeats Brock Lesnar

“My sincerest apologies in advance for smashing you into the career anonymity known as Adrenaline MMA. When you arrive, please teach my old modeling buddy Houston some ground game. Most importantly, be wary of the inevitable fresh mustard stains on Monte Cox….would not want you to ruin your best suit, er a horribly wrinkled Bad Boy t-shirt”

Everybody Laughing at Lyoto Machida but Trying Not to Show It

*Staredown*
*Hand shake*
ZAP!

Rua: GOTCHA! lol

Machida: AHhaaaggh, god damnit, I didnt know they still made those things!

In the presence of greatness, Dana White is literally reduced to a bitch (apologies to the woman in the picture for referring to her as such, I’m sure she’s quite lovely).

“Seeing as I drink my own pee, I find no reason to wash my hands after…….Good day, sir!”

Machida: *snif* “Still smells like Chuck Liddell!”

Taking a cue from Sean Salmon, Rua gives up his hand in the hopes of returning to Brazil unharmed.

Smiling Man Excited to Have Body Shattered Next Month

“ok Shogun, in order to make this fight fair…I’ll keep my head down the whole fight – like this”

this picture is actually taken in the future where lyoto deeply apologizes to ninja for his brothers death in the ocatgon, ironically ninja was quite happy since he will no longer live in his twin brothers shadow

Shogun: “Lyoto, how taste my pee pee pee?”.

Lyoto: “I shall only taste your pee pee”.

No Danielsan! Always rook eye! Always rook eye!

Lyoto Machida seen here, thanking Shogun for his Impending KO of the night bonus.

Machida: You have lovely hands. Do you moisturize?

Utilizing clicking noises made with her mouth, Helen is able to navigate a world that long ago went dark for her. Akin to how a bat sees with sonar. Unfortunately this leads to many uncomfortable social situations as she wanders into places she is not suppose to be. Perhaps it is time to get a dog.

Showing off is the fool’s idea of glory.

Shogun could only muster an uncomfortable grin as the nurse announced “no rolling until his head lice is cleared up”.

And at the end of the fight, I’ll be standing over you and looking at you like this.

Shogun: Alright Lyota, who’s the one and only Master?!
Lyoto: I AM!

You flush your urine down the drain? That is Rooney Tunes!

And the deal is done. In exchange for going Easy on him, Rua must give Lyoto one woman a day until they fight. Only later did Machida realize he had been slipped a horse while he was bowing.

Shogun: Afterwards we have a few beers and piss for distance.
Machida: For us, it’s flavor.

A quick temper will make a fool of you soon enough.

Unfortunately for Shogun the old,

Me Chinese
Me play joke
Me go pee-pee in your Coke

failed to psych-out his opponent.

“A foolish Shogun fell right into Lyoto’s setup for the effective but underutilized Indian Burn technique”

No, no, no, I said no Machida. I’m not gonna start pissing on my hands and neither are you.

Machida bows down as Mrs. Shogun Rua demonstrates Brazilian girth that has not been mixed with Japanese.

You must defeat Sheng Long to stand a chance!

lyoto: Just touch it shogun! touch it!!!

Lyoto respectfully understood why a proper stare-down was impossible with fresh Pee-Pee on his breath.

woman: oh my god, its big even for a softy!
shogun: do i make you horny mr.machida?ahehaheeehaahahahe.ha.
machida:no…uhhh well kind of. you see mr.shoguns, this is my MURDER BONER!!!!AHAHAHAHAHA…i must now drink my own piss.

Class vs. Ass

Lyoto: “I must break you”

And this was the last time Rua touched Lyoto.

Using heavy concentration and dragon powers Lyoto sharted Shogun’s soul all across the stage. A familiar sight for Shogun, not so much for the lady.

ah damn terminator beat me to it

“Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like piss. If you piss into a cup, it becomes the cup. You piss into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. Piss into my mouth, it becomes my breakfast.”

Little did Lyoto know, the fight had already begun.

Lyoto: “Ugghh, Shogun you wouldn’t happen to have any Tums on you, would you? I knew my pee tea tasted funny this morning…”

Shogun: (“Turbo Lax. One hefty spoonful for fast, effective, relief.”)

Still haunted by his traumatic early career, Machida grimaced and braced himself to be slapped repeatedly and for no good reason. Trembling with fear, he grasped Shogun’s hand, kowtowed deeply and waited.

And waited.

Shogun, far too polite to extricate himself from Machida’s grasp out of fear of causing a scene, began to sweat profusely.

The situation became highly awkward, but no one dared to move a muscle.

Eventually, after several hours, Machida came to the conclusion that Inoki was an arsehole.

shogun “would you tap that over there?’

Machida “I definitely wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating crackers!”
looks down at crotch and says ” would I crackers”

Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like pee. If you put pee into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put pee into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot it becomes the teapot. Now, pee can flow or it can crash. Be pee my friend.

Greetings Shogun. My advice to you when we fight is be like the nature of Sean Salmon.

The always-evasive Machida slips Rua’s eye contact and counters with a handshake.

great documentary but you’d think they’re were doing some tribute to 2pac with all the rappers and black actors they had chime in. Not a single freaken MMA fighter but damn if RZA from Wu-Tang and LL Cool J didn’t have opinions on what Bruce Lee meant. In that regard, a major missed opportunity

yes lady that is the penis with the magical urine

Rua – “Whats your Style?”
Machida – ” My style? You can call it the art of fighting without fighting.”

tee hee, Machida always falls for the “your fly is open” routine, now if only he would fall for that in the cage…

“It’s an honor to meet you Mr. Machida”
“The name is betty, you son of a pig, BETTY!
Mmmhhhhh

shogun : i’m going to beat the piss out of you

machida : why, are you thirsty?

The Samurai and the Shogun, a done deal.
“I’m so honored you agreed this : I keep the belt, you take the lady”.

Thank you, Shogun. Only a warlord such as yourself could have ever even hoped to steal GSP’s jacket and deliver it to me.

shogun : what do you say we go out and have a drink

lyoto : sounds good, this one’s on me

Machida: I don’t usually bow like this, but your girlfriend is so ugly I can’t stand to look at her.

“Whasssup, Wasabi”

shogun: its an honor to fight such a champion.

machida: zzzZZZZZZ

shogun: are you asleep?!?!

machida:zzzZZZZ

roughed up chick: is your last name really machete….like the knife…thats so, i dont know….dangerous.

machida: zzzZZZZ

Paralysis gripped Lyoto as he realized that he’d accidentally stepped on his good luck cricket. But the look on Shogun’s face leaves one to wonder if this was an accident at all.

I would look you in the eye, but my breath smells like I’ve been drinking urine all morning.

What do you get when you put a half-Japanese half-Brazilian on screen with a Brazilian with a Japanese nickname?

You get millions of people who are excited over people who drink their own pee and beating the piss out of each other.

Are you saying that there’s a party in your pants and that I’m invited?

“The thought manifests as the word. The word manifests as the deed. The deed develops into habit and the habit hardens into character. So watch the thought and its ways with care and let it spring from love, born out of concern for all beings.” BUDDHA (c.563-c.483 BC). However, this suit is an Armani and your in the way of a paycheck homey.

Shogun: Shoooot, you gonna fuck me up. (nervous laughing) You so crazy. You be jokin and shit.

Chick: Eewwwww, he drinks it from there???

Blissfully unaware that Machida jerks off every morning twice with each hand and rubs the splooge vigorously into his palms to give his fists their legendary speed and accuracy, Rua mistakenly accepts Lyoto’s long lingering double handshake as a sign of ultimate respect for his mad skeeeelz.

He did sort of wonder what Machida was snickering about though…

Machidas strange prefight ritual of requesting to see the bottoms of his opponents feet, was determined to be the killswitch of his rage in the cage, illegally programmed in his mind by a brazilian hypnotist.

Lady: All Hail! Bow before the almighty Shogun!
Shogun (gay accent lisp): hehe Itsss oookay no need to bow for’d whittle ol’ meee
Lyoto: I…… AM VERY HUMBLE. TO DISPLAY MY FOOT… ACROSS YOUR FACE.

If you move his hands a bit and photoshop in a stream of urine, you can recreate what Lyoto looks like every morning.

See? We pump the arm like this, pee come out down here, and then we drink.

“This battle will be more epic than Bruce Lee Vs. Chuck Norris”

Only too late did Lyoto realize it was casual friday. Oh, the shame…!

My fly’s down …?

-”HHHHHHHHHHAAAAaaaaaaa … plizzz stop squeezing my hand so hard.”

girl on the side: -”Pussy!”

ROR! Thank you, Mr. Shogun. That Horse-Faced Woman Holding Invisible Pee-Pee Cup bit cracks me up every time.

No, she wasn’t hurt at all that Loyoto greeted Shogun first…..But her face tells a different story.

Sorry about your shoulder, Mauricio. If you hold still I can pop it back in.

Woman in Background: Umm, yeah, Lee-yo-to, this is a “family place.” Would you mind putting “The Dragon” back in your pants?

Please forgive me, I didn’t know it was casual Friday.

Shogun: “Obviously this guy has never seen Karate Kid. “Always look eye!” Duh!”

“Ok she’s your baggage…you fall behind, your on your own!”

After finding out they both nailed ediths mom and some argument she is brought on stage and Lyoto concedes the size contest.

Woman: “Um…Shogun? I think the pee-drinker has a boner.”

Some say the real reason Edith was fired was the whole her mom stumbling onto stage drunk incident.

You’re wondering who I am
(Secret, secret, I’ve got a secret)
Machine or mannequin
(Secret, secret, I’ve got a secret)
With parts made in Japan
(Secret, secret, I’ve got a secret)
I am the modren man
Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto
Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto

way in? yeah right if ya wanna call that much way in.

Chick: Hey don’t bow too far you’re gonna rip the suit!!!!…….Oh great, WARDROBE!!!

Thanks for helping me up, my fleshlight really wore me out this morning.

yes, i know Rua’s not american, at least Lyoto’s part Japanese

Did you know you have a tiny fauxhawk growing on this hand?

You are not kwilow so we shall be friends…..only until fight though.

When it comes to moderately priced hookers who are willing to drink pee, Shogun found Lyoto the cream of the crop.

Wow! You Americans, penis SOOO big!

Lyoto: “I am so glad I dont have to wear stupid shirts with my sponsors names anymore like you.”

Girl: “Shutup asshole he’s getting my teeth fixed with that money!”

Mr. Miyagi had taught Shogun well. . . “Never take eye off opponent.” Unfortunately, Mr. Lee had also taught Machida how to “become like tea pot.”

Well, I thought you looked familiar. Sorry, I didn’t recognize you without crap in your pants!

“Having your opponents girl friend notice your Un-Cicumsized penis is hanging out at a press conference….” Priceless!

At that moment, Mauricio didn’t saw that Yoda was sitting just behind Lyoto, preparing an urine mix for his protege. As you can see, that lady was…

Lyoto Machida is so pro, he can take his eyes off his opponent when he bows.

today i shake it, tomorrow i break it.

Lyoto thanks Shogun for the fabled hooker with permanent strokers cramp.

what is this nutrabolics you speak of? I no longer have to drink my own pee thank you kind sir thank you.

You see Shogun…this is how Shang Tsung steals your soul…FINISH HIM!!

Herro Mr. Rua! (dead man woking… dead man woking…)

“Although one of the most “elusive” fighters ever, Lyoto Machida could not escape the ugly bitch ruining his photo op”

“It looks benign to me, but just to be safe I am going to freeze it off.”

Machida: “You see the port in the rear of my skull where I take in urine intraveiniously?”
Shogun: “NO SHIT!!?”
Girl: “Eeww, Dandruff!

After only shaking his hand Lyoto knew every move shogun would make during the fight

“You and this broad tag-teamed Edith?! I must shake your hand, sir!”

“Head lice inspection now requires two nurses to confirm infestation”

Hey lady. What are you pointing at? Oh, my fly is open.

“I knew i shouldn’t have wore sandals with a suit”

Please forgive me for what I’m about to do to you.

“Let him go! Stop it, you’re hurting him!”

Not exactly funny, but that’s what it looks like to me.

“I’d like to take this opportunity to thank the UFC and Mauricio, and my sponsors, Bony Acai and Fleshlight.”

You will need to keep your chin down, like this.

Relcome an whatchu wan to dwink roundeye?

“Really, you can break 9 boards with just your forehead? That’s awesome… hey wait, let go of my wrist…”