Funny Shit

(I may not know how to buy a house, but if you give me fifteen minutes I WILL make a four percolator bong out of this.) 

Man, the UFC marketing department intern in charge of Lorenzo Fertitta’s Twitter account must be working overtime these past few days. Aside from announcing the Mir/Velasquez, Griffin/Ortiz, and Overeem/JDS fights last night, “Lorenzo” recently held a Twitter Q & A session to set the record straight on this whole Nick Diaz/Puff the Magic Dragon thing. And even if Diaz is planning to retire, his contract with the UFC will remain. You know, just in case he gets the sudden desire to fight B.J. Penn, Karo Parisyan, or Joe Riggs again in some small promotion somewhere.

When asked about Diaz’s Zuffa future, Fertitta was quick to respond, “[I] really like the kid [he] just needs to get it together. I’m a sap for real fighters.” We know, Lorenzo.

We don’t want you to argue about whether or not marijuana should be considered a banned substance, or illegal for that matter, because we already have. Needless to say, if anyone out there actually thinks weed enhances anything but zombie mode on Call of Duty and the enjoyment of Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives, then they are clearly unfamiliar with the term “enhance.” What we are interested in is what kind of punishment you think Diaz should receive for violating a rule, as silly as it may be. Three months? Six months? A year? Well, barring a successful appeal, which, come on, it’s looking like it will be a year or more before we see Diaz in the octagon, if at all.

Perhaps even more hilarious than the predicament Diaz has put himself in was how the MMA community responded to his failed drug test. Check out some of the best tweets, compiled by MMAFighting.com, after the jump.

Remember when we posted that photo of Frankie Edgar getting his BMW M5 “towed” away by repo men? Well, it turns out that the mastermind behind the prank, TUF 14′s Akira Corassani, even went as far as to hire actors hooked up with some Mission Impossible-esque camera glasses to capture the whole thing on video. The man is like the Swedish Ashton Kutcher. But although he’s come a long way from shaving castmates hair in their sleep, he will never match the whip-it gag Kelso managed to pull on Demi Moore a couple weeks ago. That was like the Thomas Crown Affair of modern day pranks.

(Exhibit ‘A’ in Alistair’s NYE face-pushing trial.)

Sometimes words don’t do a video the justice a slightly sped-up looped graphics interchanged format photo mash-up does, so why even bother?

Instead we’ve thrown together a few random GIFs of Alistair Overeem breaking out his sweet dance moves in a shoe store with a Justin Bieber and a “Kid” Yamamoto lookalike. Nothing bizarre about that, right? Pretty much every MMA champ has done it.

Check out the awesomeness after the jump.

We’re big fans of Masato Toys’ MMA action figure series, so when we saw his latest work on the first issue of MMAtional Enquirer, we knew our readers would dig it too.

Besides Roger Huerta and Tito on TMZ, we haven’t really had any MMA luminaries who have gotten much attention from the tabloids. Not sure that’s a bad thing, but it’s likely to change as the sport grows and gets more mainstream.

We had our suspicions about Roy, but the Arianny-Ariel affair surprised the hell out of us us since you’ve got to fight to love her.

Check out the inside of the rag after the jump.

Here at CP, we have covered damn near every type of knockout that has occurred in the MMA world, and in fact, we pride ourselves on our devotion to the topic. And although we’ve seen both the double KO and the even more rare no contest due to both fighters falling out of the cage, little did we know that over the weekend, these two would meet at a shady hotel, do the nasty, forget to wear protection, and give birth to the above knockout.

The event was Hardrock MMA 43, which went down on Saturday night. The place was Sheperdsville, Kentucky. In the co-main event of the evening, lightweight fighters Brandon Bishop and Braedon Ward squared off in what started as a relatively even match that saw both men struggle for superior position in the clinch. After Ward managed to toss Bishop to the mat but was unable to complete the takedown, he bull rushed ahead with a double leg, eventually slamming into to cage door, which burst open and sent both fighters crashing to the ground.

As team members rushed to their aid, it quickly became apparent that both parties had been knocked unconscious in the fall, and the bout was subsequently ruled a no contest. Fortunately, both men were able to walk away on their own power after a few minutes. According to Gary Thomas of ProMMAnow.com, who was in attendance for the entire event, a hinge in the cage had been damaged in an earlier fight, but was believed to have been fixed. However, when both fighters hit the door, the pin was knocked loose, causing one of the more bizarre fight endings we have seen in quite some time.

And as it turns out, this was not the only bit of controversy that went down at Hardrock MMA 43. Join us after the jump for an illegal KO from the same event that is as brutal as it is hilarious.

(“Hey, my eyes are up here, asshole.”)

Discussing MMA is a lot like discussing politics; what starts off as a friendly difference of opinion more than often spirals into an alcohol-fueled debate, rife with personal insults and name calling, before ending in a sloppy wrestling match that gets both parties banned from their boss’s wine tasting parties for life. Luckily, we have Doug “ReX13″ Richardson and Jared Jones here to dispute all things UFC 143, because frankly, we can’t make heads or tails outta this card.

Let’s kick things off how we normally do, with a completely offhand topic. Who wins the Super Bowl?

RX: Me, if the commercials are good and Bane blows up the stadium.  Let me guess, you’re a-

JJ: GO GIANTS!

RX: I hate you so hard, man.

JJ: First off, I’m not your buddy.

RX: But I never-

JJ: Eli Manning is to the Patriots what Dylan Klebold was to Columbine High School; he cannot be defeated, unless by that of his own doing. Giants 35-27.

RX: Wow…this has gotten off to a rough start. Can we just move on?

(Our boy Chucky shows up around the 1 minute mark.)

Between you, me, and the wall, I had a doozy of a dream last night, Potato Nation. Get this: a corn fed harvest mouse, a hooker, a nun, a Flemish peasant woman, whips, chains, whistles, yo-yo’s, a circus midget, my grandmother riding by on a bicycle giving me the finger, and a duck.

You think that’s crazy? Well it pales in comparison to the Super Bowl ad Kia managed to dream up, which features supermodel Adriana Lima, former UFC Light Heavyweight champion Chuck Liddell, Motley Crue performing “Kickstart My Heart,” a legion of bikini-clad women, a magical dwarf (so close!!), and a cowboy riding a giant rhinoceros. Check out the video above, even if it isn’t related to MMA whatsoever. Did we mention it has Adriana Lima in a skimpy outfit? Yeah, that’s what we thought.

-J. Jones

(“Medium rare? What the f*ck is that supposed to mean and why is that your answer to every one of my questions?”)

With all of his WWE-esque posturing the past few years it’s been tough to discern who the real “Chael P. Sonnen” is. Thankfully we have Dr. Phil to get to the bottom of things.

Check out Chael in his most candid interview like you’ve never seen him before being open and honest with Oprah’s BFF after the jump.

(If anyone can explain what is going on in this photo, we’ll give you Carmen Valentina’s digits.) 

After Edson Barboza’s spinning heel kick KO over Terry Etim gave birth to the phrase “falling tree” knockout here on CP, we got to thinking, what other classifications of devastation existed in the MMA highlight-o-sphere? Debates got heated, egos got crushed, and limbs got mangled, but we were eventually able to agree that the next category of KO’s in need of appreciation was that of the “lawn chair.”

What is a “lawn chair” knockout, you ask? Well, it’s that special kind of knockout, perhaps the complete opposite of a “falling tree,” in which the victim’s legs give out from underneath them almost instantaneously after the lethal blow is delivered, often forcing their body to collapse into itself like that of a common lawn chair. And to add insult to injury, the poor son of a bitch often receives an unnecessary strike courtesy of his own knee on the way down. Here are nine of the finest examples, in no particular order.

Chuck Liddell v. Guy Mezger

Ricardo Lamas v. Bendy Casimir

Check out seven more beautiful examples of this phenomena after the jump.

Today is truly a sad day for the MMA world, one that no amount of Office Space parodies or Korean television can resolve. For today, a great man has died, and therefore has taken a piece of us all with him. We’re talking, of course, about none other than the unacknowledged gladiator who’s trials and tribulations were once synonymous with the beginning of every UFC event. We’re talking about the nameless, faceless warrior who could grind sand into…well, sand, in the palm of his hand whilst an epic chorus sang in the background. Though we never knew what lied beyond the blinding white he so courageously stepped into night after night, it seems now that the mysterious abyss was in fact the UFC vault. The Underground was the first to break the story:

Tonight, UFC President Dana White revealed exclusively to the Underground that the opening sequence for its PPV broadcast has been redone and the new introduction will be revealed this Saturday for UFC 143. The event will feature Nick Diaz fighting Carlos Condit for the interim welterweight championship in the main event.

The opening sequence, which has shown a Roman gladiator preparing for battle has often been critiqued by fans and although the sequence hasn’t been used by the UFC on its FOX and Fuel TV broadcasts, it had been present as most recent as this past UFC 142.

To quote the UFC President directly: “He’s been cut.”

We know what you’re thinking, what does this mean for Stemm?