Funny Shit

(This face describes the situation better than any words truly can.) 

We guess when you are able to knockout a guy in the most devastating fashion possible in front of millions of people, you can pretty much call him whatever you want to afterward. If you don’t believe us, just ask Chuck Liddell, or for that matter, UFC middleweight kingpin Anderson Silva. After front kicking Vitor Belfort into hyper-sleep in the first round of their highly anticipated grudge match at UFC  126 and subsequently trouncing Yushin Okami at UFC 134, “The Spider” spent most of 2011 rehabbing his injured shoulder and judging nude body-painting contests like the boss that he truly is. When word got out that he would in fact be rematching world-renowned shit talker Chael Sonnen at UFC 148, the war of words began once again. And per usual, 99.9% of it came from the challenger.

But don’t let the completely falsified percentages fool you, the champ can talk trash with the best of them. Just check out the clip below, in which Anderson offers Wanderlei Silva a little bit of advice on “The Axe Murderer’s” opposing coach/upcoming opponent, Vitor Belfort, after Wanderlei brings it up. Apparently unaware that he still has a microphone on, Silva makes a mistake of Frank Drebian proportions, calling the Phenom “a coward” before realizing what he has done.

Nathan “The12ozCurls” Smith

With recent events involving a UFC fighter and alcohol grabbing the spotlight, we at CP figured we’d lighten the mood a tad with this new Budweiser commercial. From a stare down between Anderson Silva and Steven Seagal to Lyoto Machida making a cameo as he flees the scene, this commercial has it all. When I say it has it all, I mean they also mixed in a midget little person as well as Bruce Buffer and Dan Miragliotta. Much to the surprise of Chael Sonnen (because, we assume, he was unaware that the country has such technological advances like television), it has been rumored that the commercial will only air in Brazil.

(Hey, a win’s a win. / Image via Brett Rogers’s wiki page.)

For chaos-loving MMA fans, getting one over on Wikipedia is a mark of honor. This UG thread reminded us of the hilarious tradition of Wikipedia-page vandalism, so we decided to scour the Internet for some of our favorite MMA-related examples; thanks to all the anonymous men and women who quickly screen-capped these gems before they were fixed. Check out our full gallery of MMA wiki edits after the jump, and if we’ve left out any good ones, shoot us some links in the comments section.

(Oh, come on, Vinny. You know that a belt is worthless once it has been in the bathroom! Photo courtesy of @VinnyMMA) 

Although we feel like we didn’t really get to know Vinny Magalhaes that well during his run on TUF 8 that took him all the way to the show’s finals, watching how he’s responded to his whole M-1 contract debacle has only endeared us to the guy all the more.

If you’re not familiar with the story, we’ll give you the gist: After winning the M-1 Light Heavyweight title back in October of 2011, Magalhaes got fed up with the promotion after they failed to offer him a single title defense under his contract, opting to attempt and resign him under a new one instead. M-1 Global Director of Operations Evgeni Kogan began a “he said/she said” contract dispute with Magalhaes that left the ADCC champion on the shelf for the rest of 2011 and all of 2012 to this point. After finally being told that he has been released from his contract, Vinny decided to put his belt up for sale on Ebay, figuring that it would at least sell for the 20 dollars worth of scrap metal it was composed of.

The bidding officially began on May 13th, and at a steal of just nine cents. It now stands at 14,600 dollars. 

What. The. Shit.

(How ignorant we were.) 

Chances are, if Chael Sonnen is not training for an upcoming fight or doing battle inside the octagon itself, he is sitting down in front of a camera and ranting about whatever is on his mind, be it Anderson Silva or the irresponsibility of Canadian reporters. As far as he’s concerned, these rants are meant to provide his audience with a higher understanding of the world around them, and are in the general public’s better interest. Thankfully, Sonnen was able to fight off the schizophrenia that will inevitably overtake his brain for long enough to jot down a collection of these rants into a “self help” book subtly titled “The Voice of Reason.” To say that it is the greatest collection of words and sentences ever committed to paper would be an understatement, so Sonnen opts to call it “A V.I.P pass to enlightenment” instead.

But just in case you didn’t pick up “The Voice of Reason” at your nearest bookstore (or in today’s society, on your Kindle), Sonnen recently locked himself in a dark and dreary basement to elaborate on everything from John McCain’s attempt to crush MMA before it got its sea legs to the conspiracies behind Area 51 and professional wrestling. Are these three things somehow related? Is Chael Sonnen some rogue government agent who has access to this kind of information? Is the Oregonian truly the UFC middleweight champion of the world, and we just don’t know it yet? To put it simply; no, maybe, and DUH.

Join us after the jump for the videos. 

(It turns out Miguel was actually making grape jokes, which I have no problem with whatsoever.) 

By Nathan “The 12ozCurls” Smith

Here at CP, I see “us” as a bunch of cynical, condescending, annoyed class-clowns that have a genuine love for the sport of MMA. We love great fights and enigmatic fighters, it’s really that simple. Whether it is a fighter’s personality or in-ring performance, we try our best not to be “nut-huggers,” but sometimes these things happen in MMA (Damn you Georges!). Because I wanted to curb any bias towards fighters that I might have, I tried my best to not be like a 14 year-old girl, so I avoided Twitter like an invitation to a Mike Whitehead BBQ – but I have given in. Not to the invite, but to my status as a new member of Twitter, and I must admit, there are some pretty damn compelling, comical, and surprisingly elegant MMA fighters that can wax poetic in 140 characters or less.

“Opinions are like assholes. Everybody has one and they think everyone else’s stinks.”  I believe that phrase was coined by Sigmund Freud or the Dalai Lama…or George Carlin. Whoever came up with the analogy was clearly a genius with a tremendous affinity for “Dirty” Harry Callahan. So take a big whiff because these are the MMA fighters that I think you should be following on Twitter with a few examples from their recent timelines.

Kenny Florian - twitter/@kennyflorian

We were all introduced to KenFlo on TUF 1. Although he was somewhat overshadowed by more flamboyant participants and in-house scuffles, he’s elevated himself within the UFC as one of its most versatile members. Whether as a fighter or broadcaster, he displays his wit and charisma like a true pro, but on Twitter he mixes in self-deprecation with an almost narcissistic vibe.

“When I’m being threatened, I will start doing splits to let ppl know what’s up. I always get mistaken for a talented dancer or gymnast.”

“Is a bow tie & no shirt too formal for a charity event I’m going to next week?”

“Guys, stop putting high expectations on fighters. @rory_macdonald didn’t steal my hairdo, he borrowed it. #Respect”

“If you’ve never taken a man’s shoe & beaten him with it then you’ve never been in a street fight. #KenFloFacts”

(Is there anyway we could get the guy on the far right to…what’s the word I’m looking for….leave?) 

Since the UFC has made its conversion to a major network, they’ve had their fair share of ups and downs. Their first event, though featuring a match that could headline any pay-per-view, was little more than an hour long infomercial for the sport, topped off by the shortest title fight this side of Andrei Arlovski’s flash knockout of Paul Buentello back at UFC 55. Their second event was forced to shuffle around its main card participants as a result of Mark Munoz’s grisly injury, resulting in two mediocre bouts and a tepid main event. And don’t even get us started on Jon Jones’ commentary.

However, not all is lost (unless we’re talking about last week’s TUF ratings. Bazinga!), for this Saturday’s card promises to deliver the kind of head-to-toe action that mainstream and hardcore audiences alike have been waiting for. It’s got a Diaz, a Miller, a cartoon character, and a mythical swamp beast on its main card alone, so what could possibly go wrong? But just in case the Zuffa brass are looking for a few extra pointers from a fan’s perspective, we’ve compiled the following list of five things that would surely elevate UFC on FOX 3 above that of its predecessors. Enjoy, and let us know what other improvements could be made to the UFC on FOX in the comments section.

5. Tito Ortiz Return to his Role as a Ringside Commentator

FOX is a network that prides itself on being the voice of the simple, common man. And there is perhaps no man simpler than that of Tito Ortiz. Let’s be real here; Ortiz’s night of commentary at Affliction: Day of Reckoning was easily the funniest Goddamn moment in the history of MMA, bar none. Brian Fantana could not muster one-tenth of its hilarity if he were to report on every Panda birth from here to Chongqing, and we should give “The People’s Champ” another go-around for comedic purposes only. Besides, when was the last time ringside commentary really blew your mind? We love Joe Rogan and all, but we’d be much more inclined to stick around after the fight if there was a possibility that the announcer in question would suffer an aneurysm whilst trying to determine his next word.

(Just don’t expect a chance to offer him advice in between rounds.) 

As you surely know by this point, Potato Nation, we are not the biggest fans of Bob Sapp. The man known as “The Beast” manages to somehow set the bar lower each time he steps into the ring, to the point that, if you don’t offer him a way out of the fight, he will simply collapse like he was hit with a stray bullet and roll around on the ground until the referee steps in. In fact, it’s safe to say that when all is said and done, Bob Sapp will probably go down as the worst fighter in the sport’s history (though from a technical standpoint, he is still leagues beyond Robert Burneika). And apparently we aren’t the only ones who share this sentiment.

But let today, May 2nd, 2012, forever be known as the day that Sapp redeemed at least part of his sham of a career, if not all of it. Fed up with all the “keyboard warrior” criticisms he has received in the past…ten years (many of which find their way to his Wikipedia page), Sapp is giving all you haters the chance to nut up or shut up. After Bob takes on Mariusz Pudzianowski at KSW 19 on May 12th, he will square off against UFC veteran Soa Palelei at CFC 21 in Australia just six days later. To help promote the event, Sapp is not only giving one lucky “fan” a chance to corner him for the fight, but he will also give said fan $300, a round trip ticket to Australia, hotel accommodations, and VIP access to the event.

And what do you have to enter this contest, you ask? The answer is simple: Create a video demonstrating your admiration or hatred of Bob Sapp and why you’d like to be in his corner, and post it on your Youtube account. We know, right? This contest is practically designed for you angst-ridden SOB’s.

Check out the video, along with the full contest details, after the jump. 

It’s the Ultimate Fighting Championship, not the Ultimate Friendship Championship. Nobody understands that better than UFC welterweight Josh Koscheck. In the Octagon, he’s an aggressive beast whose heavy hands and wrestling prowess have made him a perennial top-5 contender. In daily life, he’s kind of a dick. (Those are Dana White, Brian Ebersole, and Paul Daley‘s words, not ours.) In honor of Koscheck’s co-headlining fight against Johny Hendricks at this Saturday’s UFC on FOX 3: Diaz vs. Miller event, we’ve collected 12 of the most Kostastic gifs we could find on the Internet. Enjoy…

(Urijah’s lowest moment as an MMA fan? One can only ponder…)

This weekend, the UFC will make its glorious return to the only network that can bash gay rights and advertise Glee within the same half hour. We’re talking about FOX, of course. Featuring Jim Miller vs. Nate Diaz in a probable number one lightweight contender bout, a grudge match between Josh Koscheck and Johny Hendricks (because every fight with Kos is inherently a grudge match), a fight that will more than likely require the use of a stretcher, and a heavyweight sure-to-be-slugfest between Pat Barry and Lavar Johnson, it’s looking like UFC on FOX 3 has the potential to erase the memories of a rather forgettable second event and a rather brief first one. Not that we were complaining, because free fights are free fights.

And to get us hyped for the event, Dana White recently released one of his patented Danavlogs in which he catches Urijah Faber ogling over himself while on the set of TUF 15. It makes TOTAL SENSE if you don’t think about it. We gotta admit though, watching The Baldfather giggle like a school girl at Urijah’s expense makes us long for the days of his shock pen pranks that we came to know and love. [*looks over shoulder nostalgically and sighs*] 

Check out the video after the jump.