Funny Shit - Page 5

A million arigatos to our friends at TerezOwens for sending us actual footage of the rap concert that Quinton Jackson did in Tokyo immediately following his loss to Ryan Bader at UFC 144. We can’t tell if this clip is an excerpt from Rampage’s new “doggy style” tribute, but either way, the lyrics are $kala-caliber. FYI, the performance went down at a club called Vanity in Tokyo’s Roppongi district. (As in, “vanity project.” As in, “My God this vanity project.”) Allow us to half-assedly transcribe:

Rampage:
Get on sowaggichain
Get down with Rampage
We party like we paid
Move! Yo ass, like you wanna get laid
Now shake it, *you* shake it
I wanna see that ass butt-naked

Rampage’s Asian hype-man:
Yo, whassup?
Everybody get down on the floor wuhsay
HALT! Sup?
New York [Ed. note: You're in Tokyo, idiot.]

The video was uploaded to the YouTube account ShuHirata1968; Hirata is like the Ed Soares of Japan, and he always seems to have his video camera with him. For example, here’s another recent clip from Shu’s account that made us even more uncomfortable than Rampage’s rap show…

(It was like this, but smellier.) 

Whether you are a man of religion or a man of science, there are those few urban legends out there that, despite their lack of physical evidence or confirmation, are universally accepted as truth. So goes the story of illustrious judo champion Gene Lebell’s confrontation with the true Godfather of mixed martial arts, Sensei Steven Seagal.

The story goes like this: while on the set of Out for Justice, Seagal happened to mention that, as a result of his Aikido training and extensive blues guitar playing, his Senseiness was impervious to chokes. LeBell, who at 58, happened to be a stunt coordinator on set at the time, opted to take Seagal up on his boisterous claim. Seagal accepted, was choked out, and proceeded to pee and/or poop his pants. Due to an alleged gag order placed on everyone from LeBell to the cast and crew who happened to witness the event, no one has come forth in the time since to confirm or deny this story. John Leguizamo brought it up once, and was promptly beaten to a pulp.

Well let today, March 12th, forever be known as a triumph for the human race, as LeBell has finally broken his silence. And according to him, even if Seagal did in fact poop himself, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Join us after the jump for the full video interview, complements of MMAFighting, along with a transcription of some of the highlights. 

Spoiler alert: It was a better punch than this one, and twice as effective. Props: Getty Images via MMAFighting.com

I guess it goes without saying, but today has been a pretty slow news day. But even if it wasn’t, I like to imagine we’d still give this our attention. When something as rare as Bob Sapp being involved in a competitive fight happens, it’s worth a few cheap laughs seconds.

Sapp headlined Super Fight League 1, which was live on Youtube earlier this morning, against robbery victim James Thompson. While weighing in for his fight against “The Colossus”, Bob Sapp landed one of the most beautiful backfists I’ve ever seen. His technique was flawless, like it was a something he had actually been practicing. Even Phil Baroni, who was on hand to introduce fighters, seemed shocked at the technique on display from “The Beast”.

Of course, it would have been far more impressive if it actually landed on James Thompson. Or if it, you know, was intentional. But it’s probably for the best that the move was an accident. If he had been trying to do that, he probably would have missed, taken a dive and immediately started tapping.

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(“Tweet this mofo to Dana and get me a fight with Sean McCorkle.”)

After watching Tim Sylvia’s overwhelmingly unimpressive “berserker” workout today from his unlikely (read, hopeless) guerilla campaign to get back in the UFC, we were reminded of the fact that some guys (and girls), no matter how passionate they are about the sport of mixed martial arts, just aren’t cut out to be fighters. Before you shoot the messengers, Tim admits himself that he was never the best athlete or fighter, but in today’s climate, he may not even be able to be more than an undercard heavyweight in the UFC.

Whether it be physical limitations or a deficiency in the skill set department, unfortunately for even the most passionate fighters sometimes heart and size aren’t enough to carry a career.

Just ask Butterbean and Zuzulinho.

In honor of those stubborn buggers in the sport, we’ve compiled 10 videos of other people who likely won’t be inking a contract with a notable MMA organization any time soon.

Check them out after the jump.

Dana, the ball is officially in your court.

After weeks of pleading, Twitter bombing, and viral videoing, all of which yielded no results, it appears that former UFC Heavyweight champion Tim Sylvia has run out of options. We’re not even going to question whether you were ready for this; we know you’re not. His back against the proverbial wall, Sylvia decided that the only way to prove that he was truly ready for another UFC run was to release the above video, in which he unleashes the collective power of Maine-iacs worldwide in just over two minutes. I simply cannot come up with the words to describe it, so instead will rely on those of MRuss, who, after witnessing those two minutes of pure, unadulterated athleticism, set to a haunting Evanescence melody, said the following:

My wife lifts more weight than Tim. He does girl push-ups for Christ’s sake. 

Like we said. Your move, Dana.

-J. Jones

(And if enough of you follow him on Twitter, he will fight this dog to the death on live television.) 

Talk about an odd method of motivation. UFC President Dana White has long lamented over the extra baggage UFC heavyweight Roy Nelson has been carrying around over the course of his career, and it appeared to have some impact, as Nelson showed up at a slim and trim 246 pounds for his most recent UFC 143 battle with Fabricio Werdum. Though the results were less than successful, it seemed as if “Big Country” had actually begun to make a commitment to shedding the unnecessary pounds that were holding him back from being a truly elite fighter. After his loss to Werdum, many were calling for the rotund Burger King enthusiast to consider a drop to light heavyweight, regardless of how long it took. Though it would undoubtedly be a mountainous task, it would ultimately benefit Nelson, who is a mere 3-3 as a heavyweight in his UFC career.

Well according to Roy, we won’t be seeing him even attempt the cut unless he gets a few more people to “like” him on Facebook. In a recent interview with BloodyElbow, Nelson managed to set aside his order of baby back ribs long enough to make a pledge to transform his body, but if and only if he added 100,000 friends/likes/whogivesafucks to his profile:

The reason is my friend and I had a discussion about what was better? I think twitter just because of use and for fans interaction, but Facebook is 20x bigger. So we decided to bet. I said if it so easy and great I should be able add 100K fans in 2 weeks because I have that on twitter. Facebook is bigger and better so this should be easy. Right?

Bet is I will try to get to 205 if I can add 100k to Facebook.com/RoyNelsonUFC in two weeks. I love to win bets. Plus he will have to give me a part in his next movie.

(This is what he means by “off-the-chain doggy-style.”)

I’m sorry, but there are times when you have to break your own ban. This is one of those times. In a new interview with Fighters Only, Quinton Jackson discusses how testosterone replacement therapy turned his life around, though it caused him to gain a bunch of water weight that contributed to his UFC 144 scale-fail. And then he dropped this bit of info (via Fightlinker):

“I’m in a studio — you know I make music as a hobby — I am in the studio right now with my friend who produced all my tracks. We made a big hit actually, people will be really surprised when I release this because I have been making music for like six or seven years but never released anything. Now I am finally comfortable to actually release something. I was depressed yesterday but then we made this hit last night and it immediately cheered me up because normally I make music just for a hobby, I never release it, its just for me to enjoy. But this song cheered me up in my hard times right now and I think my fans can get some enjoyment out of it. It cheered me up if they don’t like it I don’t give a fuck. I’m the king of doggy style.”

No arguments there. But how does hormone replacement therapy figure into this story? Well…

Tim Sylvia is a desperate man, ladies and gentlemen. A couple of weeks ago, he released a video in which he claimed he could beat eighty percent of the heavyweights in the UFC. He went on to blame the UFC’s need to fill cards as the reason guys like Joey Beltran, Chrisitan Morecraft, and Stefan Struve were still employed. Because, as we all know, Abe Wagner, Ray Mercer, and Mariusz Pudzianowski are the heavyweight contenders the UFC is missing out on. To no one’s surprise, Dana White did not take the bait.

Then, “The Maine-iac” caught part of The Shawshank Redemption on TBS one night and came up with a plan: continue to release videos week after week until he received his metaphorical library full of books. It’s gotten bad, folks. So bad, in fact, that Sylvia is now enlisting the help of The UG (hey, it works for some people), offering to let one of his followers corner him in his UFC return match, whenever that may come. DW caught wind of all this, and proceeded to crush Sylvia’s dreams outright before they ever gained any steam, stating the following:

I have no beef with Tim Sylvia whatsoever, I have nothing against the guy, but I say it all the time: that was when the division was the weakest, when he was champion. And for him to make a statement like he could come back and beat 80-percent of the fighters in the UFC? The last time I saw him, he got knocked out by a 50-year-old boxer in like 10 seconds. Him and Arlovski were knocking each other out every weekend.

By Shawshank terms, Tim Sylvia just received another month in the hole. Or are we being too obtuse?

In either case, the former UFC Heavyweight Champ and Depend’s spokesperson inevitably heard The Baldfather’s criticisms, and was quick to retort. Well, probably not too quick:

(Then again, when you’re married to this chick, every day is kind of a celebration.) 

Residents of Albuquerque, rejoice! It seems Albuquerque Mayor Richard Berry has officially declared this day to be “Carlos Condit Day” in honor of the newly crowned interim Welterweight Champion. Condit was presented a special ceremony at Greg Jackson’s MMA Gym this afternoon, which consisted of re-watching the Condit/Diaz fight on a 4 hour loop and playing a real life version of Wooly Willy using Greg Jackson and some pencil shavings. A great day indeed.

Since we don’t really need an excuse to celebrate (re: drink) around here, we’d like to spread word of this holiday until we are eventually allowed to use it as an excuse for missing work. You know, like we’re trying to do with Steak and Blowjob Day, Festivus, and Leif Erikson Day. Anyway, join us after the jump for a look back at some of “The Natural Born Killer’s” greatest moments, brought to you in the ever convenient forms of GIF and video. We won’t be able to celebrate this day again until 2016, so get you party hats on.