General

(And, yes, Dana has unblocked us on Twitter…Baby steps, right?)

UFC president Dana White announced this afternoon that a middleweight bout between Rousimar “The Kneejerk“ Palhares and Alan “The Talent” Belcher has been signed for the May 5 UFC on Fox 3 card.

The event, which will take place at the IZOD Center in East Rutherford, New Jersey, will also feature Jim Miller versus Nate Diaz and Josh Koscheck versus Johny Hendricks on the main card.

Coaches and fighters from Jackson’s MMA say they were stunned last week to find out that an up-and-coming amateur fighter who had been training at the gym in Albuquerque since last summer was a wanted man who was on the run from kidnapping and domestic abuse charges in Colorado.

According to the complaint filed last July, Tyron Wright allegedly kidnapped an ex-girlfriend who he handcuffed and tortured. Besides assaulting her, White is also accused of heating up a knife on his stove and burning the victim with it.

Thompson looks to stay undefeated against Matt Brown at UFC 145

We’re barely one week removed from UFC 143, yet two welterweights who were victorious on the card have been signed to fight at UFC 145. The UFC has announced that TUF 7 veteran Matt Brown has agreed to a bout with Stephen “Wonderboy” Thompson.

Matt Brown managed to buy himself more time in the UFC with a second round TKO over Chris Cope at UFC 143, improving the UFC record of “The Immortal” to 6-5. On the other end of the spectrum, Stephen Thompson made an impressive first impression on viewers with his first round head kick knockout over Dan Stittgen. The victory improved his record to 6-0, and also earned him Knockout of the Night honors.

Felipe Enomoto vs. Ole Laursen. All videos in this post props to IronForgesIron.com

It would be a real shame if you only remembered ONE FC 2 for the freak show that was Bob Sapp vs. Rolles Gracie. As is too often the case when events only get remembered for the freak show fight(s) that they hosted, the rest of the card had some legitimately entertaining fights. Four out of five of the main card’s bouts ended in submission, with Felipe Enomoto, Bae Young Kwon and Gustavo Falciroli all securing rear-naked chokes against their opponents. While Enomoto vs. Laursen may have been the most entertaining of the three, Bae Young Kwon’s victory came the earliest, securing the choke only fifty six seconds into the fight. Likewise, Gustavo Falciroli picked up a quick submission against Soo Chul Kim, who curiously enough seemed hesitant to stand up with the BJJ blackbelt.

Bae Young Kwon vs. Honorio Banario

Strikforce’s paper-thin light-heavyweight division just lost another one.

As GRACIEMAG first reported yesterday, Strikeforce light-heavyweight Roger Gracie has been called up to the UFC. While a date and an opponent have yet to be named for his UFC debut, Roger Gracie has hinted that he may enlist Anderson Silva to help him train for the bout. Roger Gracie is currently 4-1 in his career, with his last fight being a first round knockout loss to King Mo at Strikeforce: Barnett vs. Kharitonov.

On paper, it’s pretty strange to call up a guy with five professional fights who just lost to the big leagues. But it makes a little more sense when you actually look over Strikeforce’s light-heavyweight division. With King Mo on the shelves for a while, there really isn’t much to offer Gracie in Strikeforce. As the age old saying goes: If Gracie fights Ovince St. Preux or Gegard Mousasi in Strikeforce and no one watches, does the fight even matter? At least I think that’s how that one went.

(Dumbass paediatric cancer patients are the new rape.)

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(“Like Miesha, Poirier will get to have his cake and eat it too.”)

It looks like the best way to get the UFC’s attention these days is to call out an opponent on Twitter.

Dustin Poirier mentioned via Twitter two days ago that he would like a fight with “The Korean Zombie.” Today UFC officials announced that the pair will square off in the main event of UFC on Fuel 3 May 15 at the Patriot Center in Fairfax, Virginia.

(Hey Tito, do you mind taking a look at this fungus I’ve got growing on my foot? I figured if anyone could spot a bizarre infection, it would be you.) 

It’s looking like Tito Ortiz will be getting his wish to go out on a hotly contested decision like he’s always wanted. Though the event or location has yet to be determined, Lorenzo Fertitta announced to the Twittersphere last night that the rubber match between Ortiz and Forrest Griffin will in fact be happening, and, just like Ortiz requested, could transpire on Fourth of July weekend.

After saving his Zuffa career by submitting Ryan Bader at UFC 132, Ortiz has dropped two straight to Rashad Evans and Antonio Rogerio Nogueria, both coming by way of TKO. Griffin is also coming off a first round TKO loss, which he suffered in his rematch with fellow former Light Heavyweight champ Mauricio Rua at UFC 134.

Ortiz and Griffin first met way back at UFC 59 in the spring of 2006. At the time, Griffin was on a four fight win streak including his TUF 1 Finale victory over Stephan Bonnar. Ortiz had scored two straight after being knocked out by Chuck Liddell at UFC 47, and would follow his split decision victory over Griffin by beating the piss out of poor Ken Shamrock twice in a row. Their second meeting, which went down at UFC 106, saw Griffin emerge victorious by an equally controversial split decision.

Speaking of trilogies…

(“I’ll be there in a minute, mom. First I need to go pwn these noobs on CagePotato.”)

After reading through the entries for this week’s caption contest, we have one thing to say: “Damn we miss our old kids. Those fuckers were funny and they didn’t bitch a quarter as much as you little bastards.”

But like any good parent, we just smile and lie through our teeth when we tell everyone how smart and great you ugly neanderthals are. We’re stuck with you, so we might as well make the best of it, right…*cough….Xeno…cough*?

Anyway, since we had to pick a winner, we chose the three that sucked the least. Seriously. We gave you guys three chances to knock it out of the park and the best you did was the equivalent LOL-wise of a Family Circus comic? Son, I am disappoint.

Check them out below, and remember that it ain’t easy to be funny, as you can tell by most of the entries we received.

*drops mic and walks away like Andrew Dice Clay*

By Aaron Powers (Jawbreaker_46)
(What the hell is ‘Rampage’ doing in this photo?)

I have been a correctional officer for five years now, and it would be an understatement to say that I’ve seen some crazy shit.

The institution I work at, which shall remain nameless, specializes in mental health. Think half psych-ward, half prison. There are inmates and patients who eat their shit, throw their shit, and smear their shit. Once an inmate shoved a pencil in his pee hole and about half way down the shaft, poked it out through the top and ripped it out, slitting his unit up the middle so it looked like a micro-waved hot dog.  There is a patient who, every month or so will bash his head on the wall to get Satan to stop talking to him. His forehead looks like that old In Living Color skit where the family had asses on their heads… and they couldn’t figure out where the whistling was coming from on the roller coaster…. You don’t remember that one? Trust me it happened. So yeah like I said, crazy shit.