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CagePotato.com Presents: The 2014 Potato Awards

Insanity

CagePotato PSA: So About That Last “CagePotato PSA”…

Free Cage Potato dog
(It’s more “Save” than “Free” now, but the message is still relevant.)

By Jared Jones

Good morning, Nation.

If you’ve visited CagePotato within the past few days, you’ve likely read my inspiring and totally original war speech which triumphantly declared that we will not be be going quietly into the night, nor will we be vanishing without a fight, and so on and so forth. You were likely moved to tears by this heartrending and undeniably epic rally cry, and most certainly hugged your loved ones a little tighter before tucking them into bed, reminding them to never, ever take anything in life for granted.

And while I wasn’t technically wrong in declaring that CP’s flame will forever burn, it turns out that my soaring call to arms might have been a bit, presumptuous…

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Ten Unrelated Thoughts About Running a Mid-Level MMA Blog — A Goodbye Letter From BG


(Author’s note: Please listen to this song while reading the column below. When it ends, listen to it again.)

By Ben Goldstein

1. I was 26, I had just gotten fired for the first time, and I was scared about making rent in New York without a job. A guy I sort of knew hired me to launch a blog about MMA for a media company based in Los Angeles. It was more money that I was making as a low-level editor for a low-level men’s magazine, and I could do it from home. Seemed like a better plan than unemployment.

2. My God, that was over seven years ago. George W. Bush was president. MMA was “the world’s fastest growing sport.” Everything seemed possible.

3. Running CagePotato was the greatest job I ever had because I could write what I wanted without being edited or censored. Developing a roster of like-minded outlaw-writers was a blast (see list of thank-yous, below), and the job helped me discover talents I didn’t even know I possessed. Plus, working from home meant I never had to use an office bathroom stall next to a co-worker after lunch. Some of you don’t understand what a luxury that is.

4. Running CagePotato was the hardest job I ever had because it was the first time I had genuine responsibility in my professional life. I was judged for my site’s performance, and people depended on me showing up every day. Sometimes, I got yelled at.

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Yep, Mirko Cro Cop Is Coming Back to the UFC. Seriously.


(Mirko, good to see you again, old buddy!! Uh….Mirko?)

Well, it’s official: We have entered the era of the UFC signing UFC washouts.

As first reported by BloodyElbow last night and confirmed by the UFC shortly thereafter, Mirko Cro Cop has once again signed with the UFC. As in 40-year old Mirko Cro Cop. As in 0-3 in his past 3 UFC fights and 3-4 in his past 7 overall Mirko Cro Cop. There aren’t enough TheRockeyeroll gifs on the Internet to do this news justice.

Why, OH WHY did the UFC re-sign Cro Cop, you ask? Out of spite, obviously:

The source says that Bellator MMA had been “very close” to signing Filipovic but that the UFC got wind of the deal and stepped in with a big offer. The source says this was “almost certainly” for no other reason than to keep Filipovic away from Bellator and Spike TV and to deprive Bellator frontman Scott Coker – formerly the head of Strikeforce – ammunition with which to work.

(*exhale*) Where do I begin?

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God Help Us, Kimbo Slice Signs With Bellator; Official Announcement to Be Made During Bellator 132 Broadcast


(Kimbo Slice spotted at a Bulls vs Heat playoff game on May 15th, 2013. Notice the subtle graying of his still-mighty beard. / Photo via Getty)

After nearly five years away from MMA competition — Five years! Man, time flies, doesn’t it?! — Kevin “Kimbo Slice” Ferguson will return to the sport in 2015 as a Bellator fighter. The news was first reported by CombatPress, then later confirmed by sources you’ve actually heard of.

An official announcement about the signing is expected to take place during the Bellator 132: Pitbull vs. Straus broadcast, tonight on Spike TV. The official date and opponent for Kimbo’s Bellator debut will be revealed in the coming days.

Rumors about Kevin Ferguson’s Bellator signing have been circulating since last June. The backyard brawler turned cage-fighter turned can-smashing boxer hasn’t competed in MMA fight since his TKO loss to Matt Mitrione at UFC 113, way back in May 2010. Kimbo went on to rack up a 7-0 record in the boxing ring, but hasn’t competed in that sport since January 2013.

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The Plot Thickens: Jon Jones’ Test Results Also Reveal Abnormal T/E Ratios, Hormone Levels [UPDATED]

While there’s been a lot of hubbub (rightfully) made about Jon Jones’ positive test for cocaine and the Nevada State Athletic Commission’s subsequent bumblefucking of his case, it’s taken (some of) us a couple days to see another, perhaps greater abnormality in Jones’ sample. Also, I just used hubbub and bumblefuck in the same sentence and probably deserve some kind of award for that.

As you already know, Jones’ two tests on December 4th both came back positive for traces of cocaine metabolites, with his follow-up test on the 18th coming back clean. All three tests, however, showed significantly lower than usual levels of testosterone, which for a young athlete of Jones’ level is unusual to say the very least.

Jones’ first test (the “watery” sample) is pictured above. As you can see, Jones’ testosterone levels measured at 59ng/dL, and his epitestosterone levels measured at 170ng/dL. This raises several red flags, as the range for epitestosterone is usually similar to that of testosterone (hence the 1:1 T/E ratio that is considered normal). Jones’ second and third tests are after the jump.

Now, there are a few possible explanations as to why Jones’ T/E ratio could come back so abnormal…

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Oh, For The Love of Christ: Ken Shamrock Reportedly Facing James Quinn In a Bare Knuckle Boxing Match


(“We’re thinking of broadcasting it on PPV for the low-price of $109.95, including satellite fees … this is for the poster, right?”/ Photo via Getty)

As if the perils and inconsistent regulations of MMA weren’t cringeworthy enough, it seems like the shift to boxing is the answer to when shit really hits the fan.

UFC Hall of Famer Ken Shamrock announced through a press release on his website that he’ll be duking it out against James Quinn in a bare knuckle boxing match, scheduled to take place sometime this April in the United Kingdom.

Here is an excerpt from the statement:

“Shamrock is in great health and feels invigorated by this opportunity to continue to compete and to continue giving back to his fans. Shamrock is going back to his roots as a fighter. Knowing his body well, Shamrock knows that his decision to re-enter the ring for the love of this sport is a sound decision. Shamrock adamantly believes that age should never be a restriction to any athlete. People can do amazing feats past their prime, if it’s a priority to them.

“Shamrock knows that bare-knuckle boxing is a sport with great potential to grow well beyond where the sport is today. His involvement in this sport is to show support and help its success.”

Now, apart from the hilariousness that is Shamrock building his entire website to announce this news, complete with sections devoted to limited merchandise, “Youth Outreach,” and “Shamrock’s Businesses” (including sections like Yes. I Am Learning The Stock Trade, the Shamrock Slam: Technical Fitness Drink, and Profit 101: Self-Defense & Fitness, all under the “Get Stuff” tab, we’re hoping this does happen (because at this point, who the hell cares anymore), yet we’re not exactly holding out for our hero…

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Tim Sylvia Weighs In at 371 Pounds (?!?) for Reality Fighting 53, Declared Medically Unfit to Fight


(But you know what? He carries it well. / Props: Kirik Jenness)

Former UFC heavyweight champion Tim Sylvia was scheduled to fight Juliano “Banana” Coutinho tonight in the super-heavyweight main event of Reality Fighting 53, at the Mohegan Sun Casino in Uncasville, CT. Unfortunately, Sylvia was not cleared to fight by the Mohegan Tribe Department of Athletic Regulation — after hitting the scales yesterday at 371 goddamned pounds.

Three. Seven. One. That’s sixty pounds heavier than Sylvia was when he lost to Ray Mercer, and we thought that was rock-bottom for him. This is the same guy who was begging for another shot in the UFC back in May. At this point, he would have to lose 106 pounds to hit the heavyweight division’s 265-pound limit.

But there might be more to the Department of Athletic Regulation’s decision to bar Timmy from fighting than his weight. Sources close to the event have indicated to CagePotato that there was actually a problem with an MRI that Sylvia was required to take before the match. Sylvia’s manager Monte Cox confirmed that Sylvia was required to undergo additional medical tests at the last minute due to his age. At any rate, concern for his brain health may have played a bigger role than the number on the scale.

We’ll update you when we know more. In the meantime, good Lord, Tim, please get on The Biggest Loser or something.

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The UFC Signs CM Punk. Holy Shit. [UPDATED]


(Photo via Getty)

UPDATE: Watch videos of Punk’s UFC 181 interview and post-event press conference highlights after the jump.

CM Punk has just signed with the UFC.

This isn’t the usual page-view mongering scheme MMA sites run during lulls just to drum up traffic. This is legit. We will be seeing CM Punk (whose real name is Phil Brooks) in the Octagon in the future.

Punk was present at UFC 181 to make the announcement in an interview with Joe Rogan. He said he’d fight at middleweight or welterweight, though he didn’t reveal what camp he’d train out of. He currently trains with Rener and Ryon Gracie. He will make his Octagon debut in 2015.

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So Mickey Rourke *May* Have Beaten Up a Mentally Unstable Homeless Man Last Weekend [UPDATE]


(Rourke vs. Elliot Seymour, Round 2. Come for the funny accents, stay for the SAVAGE body shots.)

While you were pausing to check your phone in between trips to the Golden Corral buffet line this Thanksgiving weekend, you might have heard that 62 year-old actor Mickey Rourke returned to the boxing ring after a 20 year absence to face off against 29 year-old Elliot Seymour in Moscow. You might also have heard that star of The Wrestler not only survived the encounter, but actually walked away the victor via a second round TKO.

What you might not have heard (or seen) was the fight itself, which played out in the kind of cringeworthy fashion you would expect of a Russian freakshow fight between a 62 year-old and a 1-9 journeyman. Rourke repeatedly dropped Seymour with body shots that looked…let’s say “less than devastating”, leading many fans to cry foul mere moments after the fight was waved off. (“A Hollywood actor playing make believe? I for one am flabbergasted!” — Nobody)

And unfortunately, today brings an even more depressing insight into the story of Rourke’s glorious absolute victory. We’ll let The Daily Mail explain:

In an exclusive interview, a source close to Seymour’s family, said: ‘It was clearly a fixed fight. The whole bouncing off the ropes, hands down, punches were not landing and they were intentionally hitting each other’s gloves.

There are people at Wild Card gym who know that Elliot’s in a really terrible situation and pretty much living on the streets, these are Mickey Rourke’s people who Elliot’s been around and known for some time.

All these headlines Mickey Rourke beat someone half his age… yeah he did but you’re not telling them the real story, the real story is he’s homeless and desperate and he will probably go back to living on the streets when he gets back. People have no clue about that.

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MMA is Horrible: Jon Jones Defends Disgraced Bill Cosby

This week on MMA is Horrible, we have UFC light heavyweight champ Jon Jones defending Bill Cosby — a man 13 women have accused of rape.

TMZ found Jon Jones in Los Angeles and asked for his thoughts on the matter:

What’d he do? He raped somebody, right? Nah. I don’t think Bill Cosby would do that. I’ve never met him but from what I’ve seen, he seems to be a class act. I kinda grew up admiring him as a black actor and I really hope that’s not true. I mean, he’s Bill Cosby, he shouldn’t have to take it. They should be [does a gesture insinuating women should throw themselves at him].

Umm…yeah. Not exactly the most graceful or appropriate response from Jones.

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