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Six Other Seth Rogen/James Franco Films That Should’ve Been Canceled

Insanity - Page 9

Don’t Worry, You Guys, Steven Seagal Says That The Sochi Olympics Will Be Fine [VIDEO]

I think something in my brain broke, you guys.

You see, where I’d typically be filled with blood-boiling rage and simultaneous “Holier than thou” frustration with all the things wrong in the world while watching something like the above video of Steven Seagal pretending to be a security expert on the Sochi Olympics (previously: inventor of the front kickschool shooting task force specialistactormusician, etc.) I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I hated every word that Seagal said, and I really, truly wanted to hate him for saying them, but I’m just too…bewildered, I guess. Apathetic even. Seagal’s self-servicing arrogance has reached a level so unbelievably high that it almost transcends him as an individual. The portrait he has painted of himself and his standing in our society as a source of wisdom is so out of touch with reality that it borders on an Always Sunny episode. How can you make a joke about a joke, you know? You’re not going to “reach” Seagal, because if you looked behind his firing range goggles you’d probably see something like this. He’s just a vessel, a skin suit in which the entity of madness has been contained for the good of the many, until he dies and passes it on to the next generation.

You can’t get mad at Steven Seagal. It would be like screaming at a rain cloud.

The real question is: Which of these facts is makes you the saddest?
a) STEVEN SEAGAL has a better relationship with Vladimir Putin than our President
b) STEVEN SEAGAL is asked to give foreign policy advice to the President in the above video (and does), or
c) There are people out there who might actually find comfort in the words of STEVEN SEAGAL, the same guy who once threatened to “cut off the head and piss down the throat” of that chicken-shit pussy asshole Richie?

THIS GUY’S NOTHING WITHOUT THAT BADGE AND GUN.

-J. Jones

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Photo of the Day: Kaitlin Young Proves That Horrific Training Injuries Aren’t Just for the Boys


(“Photo: Kaitlin Young’s gash is a sight to behold” – actual fake headline from Jesse Holland.)

In the long history of horrific cuts suffered by MMA fighters during training, this axe wound posted by Invicta FC bantamweight Kaitlin Young might just top them all. Passed along by MiddleEasy earlier today, the above photo prompted Young to quickly dispel rumors that the injury was the result of actually being attacked with a demonically-possessed axe, stating on her Twitter, “shot under my buddy’s jab, and he kicked at the same time. Knee vs forehead.”

Sounds too convenient, if you ask me. All I’m saying is that we still leave open the possibility that a Stephen King story come to life is responsible for this.

Seriously though, that has got to be one of the worst goddamn cuts I’ve ever seen, MMA or otherwise. I give it 5 out of 5 Eastmans. I’m pretty sure I can see Kaitlin’s thoughts. I’m going to go throw up.

-J. Jones

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Torre Alert: Well-Known Jiu-Jitsu Fraud David Lang Uncovered Running McDojo in Upstate New York


(“Nah dude, check out his *original* Tapout shirt. No way this guy’s a phony.”)

Well, this is coincidental.

If you haven’t read my interview with Fighting in Plain Sight director Edward Doty yet, what the hell, brah? Also, I’d recommend that you check it out, if only to learn a little more about the fascinating story of Rafiel Torre, the former MMA reporter/”fighter” turned convicted murderer. You see, back in the early aughts, Rafiel liked to pass himself off as a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Black Belt and former Navy SEAL who retired with an unblemished fight record of 17-0. It wasn’t until he unretired in 2001 and put on a work at King of the Cage 7 that his history of deception began to reveal itself. Rafiel Torre wasn’t a Black Belt, he wasn’t a former Navy SEAL, hell, Rafiel Torre wasn’t even his real name (although I suppose it wouldn’t have been as easy to sell himself as a native Brazilian with a name like Ralph Bartel).

In any case, I threw the article together last night, and what pops up on the front page of the reddit MMA page this morning? Only a story about a notorious Jiu-Jitsu fraud and phony war hero being uncovered running a BJJ McDojo in Cortland, New York (a mere hour’s drive from my hometown). His name is David Lang, and his similarities to Torre don’t end at the false military and martial arts credentials. No, like Torre, Lang also claimed/claims to have been born in Brazil and moved to the US at a young age. Lang even fabricated a Brazilian cousin *named* Rafael in an attempt to add credence to his claims, for Christ’s sake.

But we’re getting a little ahead of ourselves. Let us first begin to understand how Lang was exposed as a fraud in the first place (via the Police Gazette, who uncovered his most recent scam):

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Martial Arts Fail of the Week: Stop a Knife Attack…WITH A TOWEL!


(They’re wearing camo so the technique must work.)

By Eric Linderman

Hey, everybody. I don’t know you, and you don’t know me. Frankly, I don’t care that you don’t care. But I’ve done this stuff for at least a decade, so I hope that adds some credibility to my destruction of bullshit martial arts techniques. I could go and list and all my belts and experiences, but really you don’t care. You just want to know this week’s Martial Arts Fail.

So what do you do in a knife attack? What is my defense? Do I stay out of range? Obviously not, because that would actually make sense. Do I get in really close? Yup, and not only do you get in really close but you also block and strip your attacker of his weapon.

I have seen a number of movies, YouTube videos and martial art seminar that come with a blistering array of stupid “katas” and series of moves to disarm a knife attack. As a result, it spawns all kind of stupidity.

Remember that movie Jason Bourne with Matt Damon? Yeah the one where he fights that foreign guy who has a knife and Matt Damon prevents being stabbed by stopping the knife wielder’s attacks with a towel? Yeah? Good. Sounds dumb when I spell it out don’t it?


Jump to the 1:10 mark to remind yourself.

In my time, I’ve had many good teachers and I’ve seen lots of crap. My problem with “cool moves” in action movies is that it spawns kids to go and find out what martial art style will teach them to fight “like that” or a martial art instructor who will teach them “crap” because it is what kids want to learn. So here, we go with stupidity demonstration number 1:

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Anderson Silva Wants A Third Crack at Chris Weidman, Who Won By ‘Accident’ at UFC 168


(Now cast-free, the Spider will reportedly be walking without crutches by next month. / Photo via Instagram.com/UFC)

I’m not sure if this is good news or bad news, but Anderson Silva has no plans to retire following his sickening leg break at UFC 168, and the former middleweight champ is looking for a third fight against Chris Weidman as soon as he recovers. In fact, Silva is already trying to build heat for a re-rematch, crapping all over Weidman’s latest win in a new interview with Globo. As MMAFighting’s Guilherme Cruz translates:

“I believe that, if you pay attention to these technical details, you will see that (Weidman checking the kick) was instinct, not something that he trained to do,” Silva said. “No, I don’t think (Weidman should consider it a win). It was an accident. And I’m pretty sure I would have won the fight…

To land the perfect kick, I needed to distract him by punching him in the face so he wouldn’t pay attention to the kick. He was protecting the upper part of his body, and the raised leg instinctively. The kick was so strong he lost balance…I saw my mistake, and now I’m only worried about my comeback. If the UFC thinks I deserve another opportunity (against Weidman) or if I need to earn it. I just want to do what I do, it doesn’t matter if it’s for the title or not. I want to do what I do well.”

Yes, Anderson, he raised his leg instinctively — almost as if he’d been drilling the defensive technique for months and was doing it on muscle-memory alone. Since the fight, Weidman has repeatedly stated that checking leg-kicks was a specific part of his gameplan going into his second meeting with Silva, so to imply that the checked kick was in any way “accidental” is absurd, and kind of disrespectful. Plus, Silva is “pretty sure [he] would have won the fight” if his leg didn’t snap in half? Congrats, Andy — you have officially entered the loss-justification leaderboard, somewhere between “the Japanese poisoned my food” and “I had a cracked skull, bro.”

Anderson’s desire to return to action is even crazier when you consider how agonizing his recovery has been to this point:

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Traditional Martial Arts Fail of the Week: Five Ways to DESTROY BJJ


(Video via CombatantDVD)

Are you ready for this? Are you sure? Are you really sure?

For this week’s Traditional Martial Arts Fail, we have the five definitive ways to defeat a BJJ guy. It’s as easy as using basic movements against a compliant partner. Imagine that!

Checking out their website, it seems like these guys are the “too deadly” sort who want to believe in their mysticism and bogus street cred. Their experiences range in arts like the esteemed Pekiti-Tirsia Kali system (it’s right up at the top of the martial arts pyramid with Kapu Kuialua, we assure you) and Krav Maga (because that style is so effective). One of “the masters” practices a style that is “concept based rather than technique-based.” You know, because it’s bad to base a martial art on having good technique.

Needless to say, if the dude in the video tried any of this compliant crap on a legit BJJ fighter or any other sort of grappler, he’d wind up with a broken arm. Just goes to show you that even though the UFC is a little more than 20 years old, there are still people who haven’t gotten the message about what works in a fight and what doesn’t!

If you see any video that’s good (or bad) enough to make the cut, let us know! Send it to tips@cagepotato.com.

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“If Baby Boy Born, Name Hassy”: A Disturbing Pictorial of Mark Hunt’s Craziest Superfan

Us MMA fans are a weird obsessive dedicated bunch. If we’re not inciting a mob outside Cecil Peoples’ home one day, we’re probably penning heartfelt, fanboyish letters to Fedor Emelianenko the next. Maybe it’s because fighting is a much more personal, individually-focused sport than say, professional football or basketball, but the lengths at which MMA fans will go to snap a photo with, or score an autograph from, or get retweeted by their favorite fighter have become increasingly mind-boggling (creepy) as the sport has progressed.

That being said, we’re pretty sure that *nothing* any MMA fan has ever done for their favorite fighter compares to Hassy, Mark Hunt‘s biggest and therefore creepiest fan. Although not much is known about this super-obsessed “Super Samoan” fan, MiddleEasy (via Sherdog) recently unearthed a collection of illustrations Hassy has sent to Hunt over the years. They are as eerie as they are oddly inspiring, and lucky for you, we’ve compiled Hassy’s best work in the above gallery. Check it out, then try to decipher the following message Hassy posted to Hunt’s Facebook:

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Diego Brandao Admits He Threatened to Stab Dustin Poirier, Who Was “Scared” and “Lucky” at UFC 168


(“Yeah, I’d like to see you do that three more ti-THWOMP!” Photo via Getty.)

It’s such a shame that TUF 14 winner Diego Brandao is going to be forced into retirement at just 26 years of age on account of his mental illness. What’s that? You hadn’t heard that Diego Brandao is suffering from a multitude of mental illnesses? Well maybe you should check out his recent interview with MMAFighting, in which he not only confirms that he threatened to “stab Dustin Poirier with a pen” (you hear a little girl, Ace?) backstage at the UFC 168 weigh-ins, but believes that Poirier was “scared” and “got lucky” in their fight the following night:

He was there, bouncing at the weigh-ins, staring at me. I told him backstage ‘if you ever do that again, I’ll stab you with a pen.’ That’s what happened.

Every time he saw me at the hotel he kept staring at me, and I responded asked what was the problem, if he looking like that because he was hungry or what. When he got inside the cage I saw he was scared. He got lucky (to win).

“Quite honestly,” Brandao added, “I’ve never seen a fighter get lucky so many times in a 30-second period. You’d think that at least some of the punches he threw at me would have missed, but nooooooo.”

I’m kidding, of course. There’s no way that Brandao has ever started a sentence with “quite honestly.”

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Traditional Martial Arts Fail of the Week: The Awful Predecessor of Tae Bo


(Video via Break.com)

Remember Billy Blanks’ Tae Bo—the progenitor of those cardio kickboxing programs littering gyms across the country, the ones soccer moms sign up for to lose baby weight AND learn “self defense”?

Well, it turns out Mr. Blanks wasn’t the first to simultaneously bastardize aerobics and martial arts.

This week on CagePotato’s Traditional Martial Arts Fail, we’re happy to share with you the mitochondrial eve of shitty cardio kickboxing: A 1980s video merging dubious self defense techniques and Richard Simmons-like aerobics.

There’s not a whole lot of information about who’s behind this hilariously bad style of “fighting” (and it is hilarious). You won’t regret watching this, trust us. There are loads of nut shots, twerking, and they even suggest using your ass as a weapon—no joke.

If you see any video that’s good (or bad) enough to make the cut, let us know! Send it to tips@cagepotato.com.

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‘WTF?’ Video of the Day: Musangwe Fighter Gets KO’d, Is Given Furious Handjob CPR


(Props: Musangwe. Kinda NSFW)

“In Musangwe it is believed that stimulating the male sexual organs after a knockout increases their chances of surviving.”

This bit of folksy medical wisdom comes from the video description of “MUSANGWE KNOCKOUT- MOST DARING CPR!“, which just came to our attention this morning even though it’s been floating around for few days. (Apologies if you’ve already seen it; we were pretty much off the grid over New Year’s Eve/New Year’s Day. So…2014, eh? How ’bout that.)

As Gawker explains, Musangwe “is a form of bare-knuckle fist fighting traditionally practiced by the Venda people of South Africa.” And apparently, the rough, frantic handjob that the knockout-victim receives in the video isn’t punishment for losing — they’re trying to save his life. Still, once you add in the water-bucket it starts to look like an especially brutal fraternity hazing. I don’t know, man. There’s got to be an easier way.

My theory: At a certain point, that dude was just pretending to be asleep.

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