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Insanity - Page 9

‘WTF?’ Video of the Day: Musangwe Fighter Gets KO’d, Is Given Furious Handjob CPR


(Props: Musangwe. Kinda NSFW)

“In Musangwe it is believed that stimulating the male sexual organs after a knockout increases their chances of surviving.”

This bit of folksy medical wisdom comes from the video description of “MUSANGWE KNOCKOUT- MOST DARING CPR!“, which just came to our attention this morning even though it’s been floating around for few days. (Apologies if you’ve already seen it; we were pretty much off the grid over New Year’s Eve/New Year’s Day. So…2014, eh? How ’bout that.)

As Gawker explains, Musangwe “is a form of bare-knuckle fist fighting traditionally practiced by the Venda people of South Africa.” And apparently, the rough, frantic handjob that the knockout-victim receives in the video isn’t punishment for losing — they’re trying to save his life. Still, once you add in the water-bucket it starts to look like an especially brutal fraternity hazing. I don’t know, man. There’s got to be an easier way.

My theory: At a certain point, that dude was just pretending to be asleep.

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The Official “What In the Hell Were You Thinking, Miesha Tate?” Article


(“YOU’VE GOT HER RIGHT WHERE YOU WANT HER, MIESH! SHE’S BREAKING!!” Photo via Getty.)

In the wake of Anderson Silva‘s (likely) career-ending leg break at UFC 168, it seems that many of us have glossed over the absolute nadir of game-planning that took place in the evening’s co-main event. I’m talking, of course, about Miesha Tate‘s insistence on repeatedly initiating the takedown against Ronda Rousey: Judo Savant. It was quite possibly the worst strategy ever attempted in a UFC title fight, and one that frustrated and confused us to our wit’s end.

I don’t know if it was ego, terrible corner advice, plain stupidity, or some combination of the three — although the fact that Tate changed her nickname from “Takedown” to “Cupcake” following her previous loss to Rousey suggests that ego surely played a part — but there is simply no excusing Tate’s baffling gameplan last Saturday. For someone who said she “fantasized” about KO’ing Rousey, Tate seemed all but against engaging Rousey in a straight up battle on the feet. For someone who said she would “shoot herself in the face” if she lost via armbar again, Tate seemed all too willing to play Russian Roulette with the Olympic judoka (#nailedit), diving in on takedowns only to be reversed, flipped, slammed, tossed, and bamboozled by Rousey on all but one occasion.

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This Bizarre UFC 168 Trailer Is So Over the Top It’s Amazing


(Video via Taiwanese Animators)

MMA trailers have become woefully formulaic these days. Throw some highlight reel clips alongside a catchy (or not so catchy) pop song and boom, instant commercial.

The UFC will air said trailer on TV tens of thousands of times (in just one broadcast), use it for video ads on the MMA websites it advertises on/secretly controls, and after a few weeks we’ll all have the dreadfully cliched piece of marketing memorized.

Today we found something more refreshing.

We’d like to present to you an incredible UFC 168 trailer from Internet famous video makers Next Media Animation—a Taiwanese media studio known for its humorous, nigh absurdist take on current events.

Instead of generic, “bad ass” rock music and B-roll footage, this trailer offers us over-the-top visuals like Anderson Silva bench-pressing minivans and literally turning into a spider—all in the polygonal splendor of 1990s computer graphics.

We don’t want to spoil it for you, so just take our word for it; watching this is worth the one minute 30 seconds.

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Traditional Martial Arts Fail of the Week: Finnish Jedi Knight Looks Like a Tool


(Video via Break.com)

Ready to see some bullshit “martial arts” get exposed in hilarious fashion?

Good! Because that’s just what we have in store for you with our new somewhat-regular feature: Traditional Martial Arts Fail of the Week.

From now on, on each weekend that doesn’t host a UFC event we’ll be posting the most laughably atrocious foibles, gaffes, and mishaps from traditional styles (and other Bullshido like Dim Mak).

For the inaugural video, our friends at Break.com have uncovered a Finnish Jedi by the name of Jukka Lampila. Lampila claims mastery of the “Empty Force”—a mysterious power that can control an attacker that requires no physical prowess or martial proficiency. Though, according to the official website, we’re not doing this formless art justice in our description.

“There is a multitude of descriptions for the term but none of them might reveal its meaning in all aspects,” is how the site describes Empty force or “Efo” for short.

But get this, they even advertise that there’s zero technique involved and that you can skip classes without missing out on learning:

With Efo, there are no specific forms or technics [sic] and each trainee applies it the way it best fits oneself. In Efo there are no “courses” that would start and end somewhere.  Instead, the fundamental principles (relaxation, mind and breathing) are exercised during every session. Thus, anyone can join and train any time. And if you can’t join each and every session, you won’t miss anything irreplaceable.

Judging from the video, the Efo website is telling the truth; you won’t miss anything at all from ditching this guys classes.

When confront by students cult-like true believers, Jukka Lampila—a man who has “trained in budo since 1985″—comes across as a modern-day Luke Skywalker, disposing of foes with Force-powered strikes.

But when skeptics step up to the plate, things change. We don’t want to spoil it for you, so check out the video and enjoy watching this fraud eat crow.

If you see any video that’s good (or bad) enough to make the cut, let us know! Send it to tips@cagepotato.com.

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Last-Second Christmas Present Ideas: War Machine Launched a Clothing Line, Y’all.


(MICROSOFT PAINT IS ALPHA MALE SHIT! Photo courtesy of Alpha-Male-Shit.myshopify.com. Of course we aren’t joking.)

Do you have some last-second Christmas gifts to buy for the MMA fans in your life? Do said fans often find themselves looking at MMA t-shirts and thinking “Yeah, this assortment of glitter, botched Hanzi and skulls is fantastic, but I need something a little more ridiculous.” Do you have no problems with dropping twenty-five bucks on a shirt that was blatantly designed in Microsoft Paint, and probably in under twenty seconds?

Then do I have some excellent news for you: War Machine has launched a clothing line – subtly called “Alpha Male Shit” – and it is exactly what you’re assuming it is.

Alpha Male Shit solves the dilemma that apparently alpha males face all the time: How does one demonstrate how badass he (or she!) is while doing everyday things like grocery shopping, visiting the zoo or mowing the lawn? The answer, obviously, is to wear a shirt proclaiming that you do Alpha Male Shit; this way, even the alpha male getting his teeth cleaned can remind his dentist that he’s usually more awesome than this. If you think I’m joking, then take a look at what appears to be the brand’s signature design (I base this squarely off the fact that there are four variations – including a female version! – of it in the shop right now):

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‘TUF: China’ Cast Includes 0-0 Yoga Instructor Who Doesn’t Know How to Fight


(The soon-to-be-forgotten and/or fired TUF China cast. Photo via the Global Times.)

That The Ultimate Fighter: China features the powerhouse *coaching* duo of Tiequan Zhang (currently riding a 3-fight losing streak with his sole UFC win coming over Jason Reinhardt) and Hailin Ao (retired) should say more about the talent level of its contestants than we ever could, but you guys have got to read this.

The premiere episode of TUF: China transpired last Saturday. While most of us here in the states failed to take notice of this, f4wonline‘s Mark Harris recently published a recap of the episode and offered some insight. You should check out the entire summary here, but the following paragraphs truly emphasize how fucked this season is going to be (emphasis mine):

The fighters on this season are a mixed bag of promising talent and hapless newbies…The quirkiest character this season is Li Jin Ying (0-0, welterweight), who admitted to having no MMA experience before sparring in front of the cameras. His appearance on the show is so bizarre I have to wonder if he’s only on to illustrate to viewers the level of training and experience that’s needed to succeed in MMA.

Li is a spiritualist yoga instructor “eager to be Asia’s biggest MMA star”. Yes, a yoga instructor. He has a photogenic face, the kind of face UFC would probably want to put on advertisements in China, but he apparently has no MMA experience and describes himself as shy.

I never dreamed that there would come a day when TUF and American Idol adopted the same criteria for selecting contestants. I was wrong.

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[VIDEO] Vitor Belfort Is a ‘Values Enforcer’ in This Super Creepy Church-Promo


Vitor Belfort: The Values Enforcer from Elevation Church on Vimeo.

As we all know, UFC moneyweight Vitor Belfort is down with Jesus. We’re cool with that. Whatever gets you through the night and helps you be kind to people during the day, is our motto (oh, you didn’t know that about Cagepotato?). Plus, it’s fun to laugh at Michael Bisping getting Bible-thumped by Belfort after mocking the Brazilian’s faith.

That said, a new promotional video for a North Carolina mega-church that features Vitor Belfort is pretty damn creepy. In the video, the church abducts parishioners who are not paying enough attention during church services, blindfolds them, sticks them in a van (cultish enough for you, yet?) only to drop them off in the center of a cage with the Phenom himself.

Belfort is dubbed a “values enforcer,” which is the type of term we all should be a little wary of, even in jest, especially coming out of the deep South. In any case, Vitor treats us all to some amazing acting and those spiritually deficient church-goers are scared straight and are presumably returned to their church more obedient than ever before.

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On This Day in MMA History: War Machine Ruins a Porn Star’s Birthday Party


(Photo via emmreport.com, obviously.)

On This Day in MMA History” pays tribute to some of the more bizarre and infamous news stories of MMA’s past. The fiasco described below took place on November 28th, 2009, exactly four years ago today; the following post was published two days later. Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

*********

So did you guys do anything crazy this weekend? Like, maybe beat the shit out of half the guest-list at a porn star’s birthday party? No? Well, you’ll never believe this, but that’s exactly what MMA tabloid hero War Machine did on Saturday night. Multiple reports are coming in, so we’ll try to piece this together from what we have…

— On Saturday night, Machine heads out to a b-day party for adult film actress Brooke Haven, held at a porn studio in Van Nuys. He appears to be in good spirits, though he was reportedly pissed off that his agent, Derek Hay (aka “Ben English”), wasn’t getting him enough work.

— Things quickly turn south when War allegedly punches his girlfriend, Alanah Rae, then drags her outside. This part of the story is hazy because although Terez Owens reports that Rae personally confirmed with him that War Machine decked her, she later went on Twitter to deny it. Still, there seems to be no difference in opinion over what happened next…

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Quote of the Day: Georges St. Pierre Will Never Fight Again Unless Freddie Roach Is in His Corner


(Hey, it could be worse. / Photo via Sherdog)

We’re not sure if you’ve heard about this yet but UFC welterweight champion Georges St. Pierre hung onto his belt this past Saturday at UFC 167 with a controversial split decision win over Johny Hendricks and then kinda, sorta announced a retirement, of sorts. The story hasn’t got much attention so first off, we wanted to make sure you knew about that.

In any case, UFC president Dana White is intent on bringing GSP back to fight Hendricks again and, according to a new report from Yahoo! Sports’ Kevin Iole, who is in Macau to cover the Manny Pacquiao/Brandon Rios boxing match this week, “Rush” told “PacMan” trainer Freddie Roach that he’ll never fight again if he doesn’t have him in his corner.

Roach said he has yet to speak to St-Pierre on the telephone, but said the champion texted him.

“He said, ‘I’m not going to fight again unless you are in my corner,’” Roach said. Asked to clarify if that meant on fight night, as well, Roach said, “Absolutely.” To this point, Roach has never been in a UFC fighter’s corner on the night of a fight.

Roach, always eager to promote himself, also said that he “pretty much came up with the game plan” for St. Pierre against Hendricks. So…good job?

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Lucky/Brave S.O.B. Subdues Armed Robber at Gas Station Via Triangle Choke [VIDEO]

Philadelphia News, Weather and Sports from WTXF FOX 29

Props to R/MMA for passing along the wildest bit of gas station footage since Maiquel Falcao slapped that girl and got KO’d with a 2×4. Early Saturday morning in Norwood, PA, a 20-year-old local kid named CJ Gostynski decided to throw on a mask and rob a gas station at gunpoint. Unfortunately, he ran into a tough/brave/crazy son-of-a-bitch named John McGowan, who had just lost his car and was in no mood for the bullshit.

When Gostynski demands money, McGowan tells him “You’re fuckin’ with the wrong guy,” and proceeds to walk up on the would-be robber, who is pointing a gun directly at his face. [Ed. note: This is the point where I would be fishing my wallet out of my urine soaked slacks.] McGowan tackles Gostynski — “right into the racka potata chips,” says the regionally-accented news anchor — and locks him down with a triangle choke. McGowan then proceeds to beat Gostynski with his own gun (!) and holds him in place until the cops arrive. Renzo would be proud. The Gracie Brothers are masturbating furiously.

During the fracas, the gun went off twice, and McGowan’s shoe was grazed with a bullet. Gostynski, who has no criminal history, is facing 33 charges including robbery and assault. As MyFoxPhilly reports, an AR-15 rifle with 60 rounds of ammunition was found in Gostynski’s truck, but honestly, everything’s an AR-15 these days. Anyway, kudos to John McGowan, whose balls are way, way bigger than ours.

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