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15 Moments of Instant Regret [GIFs]

Insanity - Page 9

“If Baby Boy Born, Name Hassy”: A Disturbing Pictorial of Mark Hunt’s Craziest Superfan

Us MMA fans are a weird obsessive dedicated bunch. If we’re not inciting a mob outside Cecil Peoples’ home one day, we’re probably penning heartfelt, fanboyish letters to Fedor Emelianenko the next. Maybe it’s because fighting is a much more personal, individually-focused sport than say, professional football or basketball, but the lengths at which MMA fans will go to snap a photo with, or score an autograph from, or get retweeted by their favorite fighter have become increasingly mind-boggling (creepy) as the sport has progressed.

That being said, we’re pretty sure that *nothing* any MMA fan has ever done for their favorite fighter compares to Hassy, Mark Hunt‘s biggest and therefore creepiest fan. Although not much is known about this super-obsessed “Super Samoan” fan, MiddleEasy (via Sherdog) recently unearthed a collection of illustrations Hassy has sent to Hunt over the years. They are as eerie as they are oddly inspiring, and lucky for you, we’ve compiled Hassy’s best work in the above gallery. Check it out, then try to decipher the following message Hassy posted to Hunt’s Facebook:

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Diego Brandao Admits He Threatened to Stab Dustin Poirier, Who Was “Scared” and “Lucky” at UFC 168


(“Yeah, I’d like to see you do that three more ti-THWOMP!” Photo via Getty.)

It’s such a shame that TUF 14 winner Diego Brandao is going to be forced into retirement at just 26 years of age on account of his mental illness. What’s that? You hadn’t heard that Diego Brandao is suffering from a multitude of mental illnesses? Well maybe you should check out his recent interview with MMAFighting, in which he not only confirms that he threatened to “stab Dustin Poirier with a pen” (you hear a little girl, Ace?) backstage at the UFC 168 weigh-ins, but believes that Poirier was “scared” and “got lucky” in their fight the following night:

He was there, bouncing at the weigh-ins, staring at me. I told him backstage ‘if you ever do that again, I’ll stab you with a pen.’ That’s what happened.

Every time he saw me at the hotel he kept staring at me, and I responded asked what was the problem, if he looking like that because he was hungry or what. When he got inside the cage I saw he was scared. He got lucky (to win).

“Quite honestly,” Brandao added, “I’ve never seen a fighter get lucky so many times in a 30-second period. You’d think that at least some of the punches he threw at me would have missed, but nooooooo.”

I’m kidding, of course. There’s no way that Brandao has ever started a sentence with “quite honestly.”

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Traditional Martial Arts Fail of the Week: The Awful Predecessor of Tae Bo


(Video via Break.com)

Remember Billy Blanks’ Tae Bo—the progenitor of those cardio kickboxing programs littering gyms across the country, the ones soccer moms sign up for to lose baby weight AND learn “self defense”?

Well, it turns out Mr. Blanks wasn’t the first to simultaneously bastardize aerobics and martial arts.

This week on CagePotato’s Traditional Martial Arts Fail, we’re happy to share with you the mitochondrial eve of shitty cardio kickboxing: A 1980s video merging dubious self defense techniques and Richard Simmons-like aerobics.

There’s not a whole lot of information about who’s behind this hilariously bad style of “fighting” (and it is hilarious). You won’t regret watching this, trust us. There are loads of nut shots, twerking, and they even suggest using your ass as a weapon—no joke.

If you see any video that’s good (or bad) enough to make the cut, let us know! Send it to tips@cagepotato.com.

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‘WTF?’ Video of the Day: Musangwe Fighter Gets KO’d, Is Given Furious Handjob CPR


(Props: Musangwe. Kinda NSFW)

“In Musangwe it is believed that stimulating the male sexual organs after a knockout increases their chances of surviving.”

This bit of folksy medical wisdom comes from the video description of “MUSANGWE KNOCKOUT- MOST DARING CPR!“, which just came to our attention this morning even though it’s been floating around for few days. (Apologies if you’ve already seen it; we were pretty much off the grid over New Year’s Eve/New Year’s Day. So…2014, eh? How ’bout that.)

As Gawker explains, Musangwe “is a form of bare-knuckle fist fighting traditionally practiced by the Venda people of South Africa.” And apparently, the rough, frantic handjob that the knockout-victim receives in the video isn’t punishment for losing — they’re trying to save his life. Still, once you add in the water-bucket it starts to look like an especially brutal fraternity hazing. I don’t know, man. There’s got to be an easier way.

My theory: At a certain point, that dude was just pretending to be asleep.

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The Official “What In the Hell Were You Thinking, Miesha Tate?” Article


(“YOU’VE GOT HER RIGHT WHERE YOU WANT HER, MIESH! SHE’S BREAKING!!” Photo via Getty.)

In the wake of Anderson Silva‘s (likely) career-ending leg break at UFC 168, it seems that many of us have glossed over the absolute nadir of game-planning that took place in the evening’s co-main event. I’m talking, of course, about Miesha Tate‘s insistence on repeatedly initiating the takedown against Ronda Rousey: Judo Savant. It was quite possibly the worst strategy ever attempted in a UFC title fight, and one that frustrated and confused us to our wit’s end.

I don’t know if it was ego, terrible corner advice, plain stupidity, or some combination of the three — although the fact that Tate changed her nickname from “Takedown” to “Cupcake” following her previous loss to Rousey suggests that ego surely played a part — but there is simply no excusing Tate’s baffling gameplan last Saturday. For someone who said she “fantasized” about KO’ing Rousey, Tate seemed all but against engaging Rousey in a straight up battle on the feet. For someone who said she would “shoot herself in the face” if she lost via armbar again, Tate seemed all too willing to play Russian Roulette with the Olympic judoka (#nailedit), diving in on takedowns only to be reversed, flipped, slammed, tossed, and bamboozled by Rousey on all but one occasion.

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This Bizarre UFC 168 Trailer Is So Over the Top It’s Amazing


(Video via Taiwanese Animators)

MMA trailers have become woefully formulaic these days. Throw some highlight reel clips alongside a catchy (or not so catchy) pop song and boom, instant commercial.

The UFC will air said trailer on TV tens of thousands of times (in just one broadcast), use it for video ads on the MMA websites it advertises on/secretly controls, and after a few weeks we’ll all have the dreadfully cliched piece of marketing memorized.

Today we found something more refreshing.

We’d like to present to you an incredible UFC 168 trailer from Internet famous video makers Next Media Animation—a Taiwanese media studio known for its humorous, nigh absurdist take on current events.

Instead of generic, “bad ass” rock music and B-roll footage, this trailer offers us over-the-top visuals like Anderson Silva bench-pressing minivans and literally turning into a spider—all in the polygonal splendor of 1990s computer graphics.

We don’t want to spoil it for you, so just take our word for it; watching this is worth the one minute 30 seconds.

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Traditional Martial Arts Fail of the Week: Finnish Jedi Knight Looks Like a Tool


(Video via Break.com)

Ready to see some bullshit “martial arts” get exposed in hilarious fashion?

Good! Because that’s just what we have in store for you with our new somewhat-regular feature: Traditional Martial Arts Fail of the Week.

From now on, on each weekend that doesn’t host a UFC event we’ll be posting the most laughably atrocious foibles, gaffes, and mishaps from traditional styles (and other Bullshido like Dim Mak).

For the inaugural video, our friends at Break.com have uncovered a Finnish Jedi by the name of Jukka Lampila. Lampila claims mastery of the “Empty Force”—a mysterious power that can control an attacker that requires no physical prowess or martial proficiency. Though, according to the official website, we’re not doing this formless art justice in our description.

“There is a multitude of descriptions for the term but none of them might reveal its meaning in all aspects,” is how the site describes Empty force or “Efo” for short.

But get this, they even advertise that there’s zero technique involved and that you can skip classes without missing out on learning:

With Efo, there are no specific forms or technics [sic] and each trainee applies it the way it best fits oneself. In Efo there are no “courses” that would start and end somewhere.  Instead, the fundamental principles (relaxation, mind and breathing) are exercised during every session. Thus, anyone can join and train any time. And if you can’t join each and every session, you won’t miss anything irreplaceable.

Judging from the video, the Efo website is telling the truth; you won’t miss anything at all from ditching this guys classes.

When confront by students cult-like true believers, Jukka Lampila—a man who has “trained in budo since 1985″—comes across as a modern-day Luke Skywalker, disposing of foes with Force-powered strikes.

But when skeptics step up to the plate, things change. We don’t want to spoil it for you, so check out the video and enjoy watching this fraud eat crow.

If you see any video that’s good (or bad) enough to make the cut, let us know! Send it to tips@cagepotato.com.

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Last-Second Christmas Present Ideas: War Machine Launched a Clothing Line, Y’all.


(MICROSOFT PAINT IS ALPHA MALE SHIT! Photo courtesy of Alpha-Male-Shit.myshopify.com. Of course we aren’t joking.)

Do you have some last-second Christmas gifts to buy for the MMA fans in your life? Do said fans often find themselves looking at MMA t-shirts and thinking “Yeah, this assortment of glitter, botched Hanzi and skulls is fantastic, but I need something a little more ridiculous.” Do you have no problems with dropping twenty-five bucks on a shirt that was blatantly designed in Microsoft Paint, and probably in under twenty seconds?

Then do I have some excellent news for you: War Machine has launched a clothing line – subtly called “Alpha Male Shit” – and it is exactly what you’re assuming it is.

Alpha Male Shit solves the dilemma that apparently alpha males face all the time: How does one demonstrate how badass he (or she!) is while doing everyday things like grocery shopping, visiting the zoo or mowing the lawn? The answer, obviously, is to wear a shirt proclaiming that you do Alpha Male Shit; this way, even the alpha male getting his teeth cleaned can remind his dentist that he’s usually more awesome than this. If you think I’m joking, then take a look at what appears to be the brand’s signature design (I base this squarely off the fact that there are four variations – including a female version! – of it in the shop right now):

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‘TUF: China’ Cast Includes 0-0 Yoga Instructor Who Doesn’t Know How to Fight


(The soon-to-be-forgotten and/or fired TUF China cast. Photo via the Global Times.)

That The Ultimate Fighter: China features the powerhouse *coaching* duo of Tiequan Zhang (currently riding a 3-fight losing streak with his sole UFC win coming over Jason Reinhardt) and Hailin Ao (retired) should say more about the talent level of its contestants than we ever could, but you guys have got to read this.

The premiere episode of TUF: China transpired last Saturday. While most of us here in the states failed to take notice of this, f4wonline‘s Mark Harris recently published a recap of the episode and offered some insight. You should check out the entire summary here, but the following paragraphs truly emphasize how fucked this season is going to be (emphasis mine):

The fighters on this season are a mixed bag of promising talent and hapless newbies…The quirkiest character this season is Li Jin Ying (0-0, welterweight), who admitted to having no MMA experience before sparring in front of the cameras. His appearance on the show is so bizarre I have to wonder if he’s only on to illustrate to viewers the level of training and experience that’s needed to succeed in MMA.

Li is a spiritualist yoga instructor “eager to be Asia’s biggest MMA star”. Yes, a yoga instructor. He has a photogenic face, the kind of face UFC would probably want to put on advertisements in China, but he apparently has no MMA experience and describes himself as shy.

I never dreamed that there would come a day when TUF and American Idol adopted the same criteria for selecting contestants. I was wrong.

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[VIDEO] Vitor Belfort Is a ‘Values Enforcer’ in This Super Creepy Church-Promo


Vitor Belfort: The Values Enforcer from Elevation Church on Vimeo.

As we all know, UFC moneyweight Vitor Belfort is down with Jesus. We’re cool with that. Whatever gets you through the night and helps you be kind to people during the day, is our motto (oh, you didn’t know that about Cagepotato?). Plus, it’s fun to laugh at Michael Bisping getting Bible-thumped by Belfort after mocking the Brazilian’s faith.

That said, a new promotional video for a North Carolina mega-church that features Vitor Belfort is pretty damn creepy. In the video, the church abducts parishioners who are not paying enough attention during church services, blindfolds them, sticks them in a van (cultish enough for you, yet?) only to drop them off in the center of a cage with the Phenom himself.

Belfort is dubbed a “values enforcer,” which is the type of term we all should be a little wary of, even in jest, especially coming out of the deep South. In any case, Vitor treats us all to some amazing acting and those spiritually deficient church-goers are scared straight and are presumably returned to their church more obedient than ever before.

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